All You Need Is Love

THINGS I LOVE
Christ
Music
The written word
Friends... the few good ones I have
Freedom of speech (but NOT when abused by retards)
Good Movies
Solitude
Coffee
Deep Conversation
Laughter
Peace
Love... Not the word, not the feeling, the ACTION
Purple Popsicles
Texting
Family
Kissing
Thrift store shopping
Beaches
Hugs
STARS (the ones in the sky... remember those?)
Home
Coloring
Cuddling
Eating delicious food
Joy
New York City
Traveling
Independence
Exuding Life
Positivity
Good intentions
Happy Endings

Here I find myself pondering the things I love. I was going to include the things I hate, but once I got to what I love, I liked that better. There are sooooo many more things than just this, but these are the most important. I figure since we are going to be getting to know each other, what better way than to know what make me tick, and to those of you who already do, or think you do, you may be in for a surprise or two.. I know I was.

Obviously Christ tops the list. He is the reason I am alive and because of that any of the glory that could possibly come out of my life goes directly to him, however little it may be. Music and words are the language my soul speaks, and truly the only way my heart can respond. All I have ever needed was for someone to tell me how the feel about anything and I will take it directly to heart. Now adays with how often words are manipulated and tossed aside, I become a casualty, because to me, your word is truly all you have. Sure you can give money and gifts and even demonstrate your intentions through your time, but I am one of the few that still subscribe to the belief that the words are the overflow of the heart. I think our world would benefit from a revival towards that notion. Empty words only demonstrate empty hearts. Friends and Family as well are a given, they are the people who stand by you when things get rough, and I mean REALLY rough, and celebrate with you during life's successes, void of jealousy. Under that definition there are only a few people that I consider friends, because honestly there aren't many people made of that cloth anymore. Either they have a hidden agenda, or are using you to get to the next fish in the pond, or at least that's my experience. Without Freedom of speech my hear t couldn't speak without ties, and that is no way to live. HOWEVER people that use it to slander others or to assert themselves in a destructive way to themselves or others are spineless and weak, and deserve what's coming to them. Good movies demonstrate that art does still exist in the world, and that the human race isn't a lost cause. Even the poorly made, terribly written, and pointless movies bring about smiles and demonstrate humanity, which can never be a bad thing. *This does not include movies with racy content for no reason, Obscenity just for the sake of shocking people is ridiculous, and you should be ashamed of yourselves.*Solitude may just be the best invention ever, because while I love people and to be around them, being alone affords myself the opportunity to re-center myself and not get caught up in the petty things this world has become so full and obsessed with. Coffee is delicious and keeps me awake. Done. Laughter and Peace go hand in hand for me, for without laughter there is no peace, and without peace, there certainly will be no laughter. Skipping ahead on the list Joy facilitates both of these. Its almost as if Joy is the umbrella under which Laughter and Peace reside. Now here we find ourselves at LOVE. I love when you can feel to the very bottom of your toes that someone loves you just by the way someone looks at you. Kind of like the Love you see in Disney Movies, which is why I love them. They show a beautiful, pure and unadulterated love that seems to be extinct in our time. Love either has to be physical. mental, or with strings attached. If that's what love has been reduced to, I don't want it anyway. I want love like the Little Mermaid. Not Cinderella. Not Sleeping Beauty. The Little Mermaid. He loved her from the sound of her voice, and after that he was done. He knew that she was for him. Purple Popsicles are a must, and are the only flavor I like... simply because. Texting is a guilty pleasure, and an abused one at that. Kissing... well honestly... who DOESN'T like kissing? Come on now, don't lie to me. Unless it's a terrible kiss. You know, the kind where someone is trying to eat your face off like their mouth turned into a Venus fly trap? Yeah that not so much, but to quote 50 first dates "There's nothing like a first kiss." Thrift store shopping is the bomb, because you can find things you can find nowhere else. Literally. While this may be a bad thing a majority of the time, sometimes all of the digging and searching for that one jem is worth it. My N'SYNC t-shirt is a shinning example of the treasures you can find at the thrift store. Beaches, well because they are beautiful and soothing and can bring hours of entertainment. From quietly making fun of the fat people that shouldn't be there, to admiring the hot guys playing football you know you will never meet, you just can't go wrong. Hugs Cuddling and Stars... do I really have to explain? They are simply wonderful. Coloring has always been a guilty pleasure and I'm sure it will be a life long one. I am the proud owner of three different Disney Princess coloring books that I purchased for myself and am not ashamed to say i color in them quite frequently. Eating delicious food is self explanitory. It is delicious... what more could you want? New York City and Traveling hold the same place in my life. They both are the penical of endless opportunities. You can go anywhere and be anyone, and that is such a freeing thing. Even though I would never alter myself, I am able to unlock parts of me that would otherwise never be discovered with each new place I go. With each new destination, I am greeted my new discoveries, and that is priceless. Independence, Exuding life, and Positivity are all synonymous, and simply stand for the ideal that I love who I am, that i don't need or want any one's help to be who I am, and that I am going to live my life in front of you, not in the back row hoping that someday you will approve of me. If you do, thank you, but if you don't oh well. The only one I answer to is Christ, and so far he has been the one sculpting my life. So in truth if you don't like it, your quarrel is not with me, but with the man upstairs, and that is a fight I would not want to take part in. I really don't think there is anything better than good intentions when it comes to an action, accept love. During my life I have learned multiple times over that things don't ever go as plan. Actually the rarely do, however, the intent behind any action you take part in is the one thing that doesn't change. People disappoint, but if their heart was in the right place, sometimes it is easier to get over the mountains that life throws us. This brings us to a contender for a very high spot on the list, and that is Happy Endings. In this world it seems that Happy endings only exist on the silver screen or are bound in books. Endings either bring sadness, anger, loose ends or nothing at all. When we walk away from something, we have in our immediate sights something we are walking towards, even if it is out of reach. I pose the question, what if we decided to make our endings happy? When did the paradigm shift and endings took on a negative connotation? I dare you to be happy when something ends, even if its a terrible thing to have end. Happiness can be found in anything. And I know you may ask, who are you to tell me that endings are good? What have you ever had to see through to the end? Well I have seen my fair share of endings, and devastating ones at that, and while I was the farthest thing from happy, soon the rose colored glasses were lifted, and I was able to see the world again. Happy endings do exist, even if I haven't quite found mine yet.

Unexpected Surprises

Well the last twelve hours for me have been full of things that I thought would never happen. To start, once again I couldn't sleep, so like any other person I was fooling around on facebook, and maybe even doing a bit of facebook stalking, but I will never tell ;)
When I had finally decided that enough was enough and that as a normal member of society I had to stop this terrible sleep cycle I was in so that I could wake up before after noon, I got up, turned down the volume of my TV, flipped off my light and crawled into bed. Even though I was still not tired, I knew that in order to function the next day that this was right thing to do.

Being the jumpy paranoid little girl I am however, I continued to hear all the things that go bump in the night. Seeing as it was extremely late, (or early) I felt justified in my fear, and decided it wouldn't hurt anyone if I turned up my TV a bit louder so that I could ignore the imaginary intruders.

When I turned around to lay back down however, I saw a pair of eyes staring at me through the crack in the door!!

Before I let my panic rise up withing me, I took a brief assessment of the situation, and was greeted with the notion that these eyes are shorter than me, and that this may in fact not be an intruder. When my eyes adjusted, I saw those eyes were attached to a cute nose and short blonde hair. Then I heard it. A sweet little girl's whisper. "Nana?"

My little sister had had a nightmare, and just wanted a hug. Soon she had weaseled her way under my covers and in my arms, and of course I had no idea how she had gotten there. Resigned that this little planner wasn't going anywhere, I pulled out the trundle from my bed, popped it up and told her to scoot over. I wasn't bothered by the fact she was here, but I knew that all hope was lost for a good night's slumber for she is a loud sleeper.

Just as I was mourning the loss of any shot at rest, my sister reached over, grabbed my hand and whispered "Nana, you are the best sister in the world. When I grow up, I want to be just like you. I love you." And with that, she closed her eyes and fell right asleep, still holding my hand.

I'm not one to cry normally, but this brought tears to my eyes. For years I had questioned my caliber as a sister, as I have feel I just walk in and out of my siblings lives because I move all over the place. This however, showed me that my love for them has not gone unnoticed, and is indeed enough. I may not be perfect, but my love for them is.

Several hours later when I woke up, it wasn't my sister that was next to me, but my precious brother. He was content to just eat his cookies and drink his milk while he watched Niho Kilan on my TV. When I rolled over and he saw I was awake, he didn't get excited or anything but that is his nature. He just looked at me and said "Hey Nana, I'm glad you're up now."

After playing some Mario Kart with him... and ashamedly getting my butt kicked by a four year old... I went to check my phone, for it hadn't gone off al day which was shocking. I by no means consider myself popular, but I do get regular calls from my best friend Katie. When I got to it, I noticed that it was dead, so I promptly went to go plug it in. Once I had turned it back on, I saw that I had two voicemail. Feeling slightly out of character I decided to check them. I never check my voicemail... EVER. But today I felt that I should.

The first message was from my friend Taylor (HEY TAY) out in Cali, and it totally made me smile, his voicemails always do. When he had finished rambling and singing and rapping the next message clicked on. I could barely understand it, and almost dismissed it as a wrong number. However, I heard my name at the end so I took the phone off speaker, pressed re-play and listened again. When I figured out who it was I was SHOCKED. It was my dear friend Timothy in Nigeria, whom I had worked with for several weeks when I went to his country. It has been four years since I had heard his voice, and this was the first phone call I had ever received from him. Once again I was brought to tears by the message. He told me that him and his family are praying for me, and they hope to catch me on the phone sometime next week.

The only thing I could think, was that they are praying for me??? I am sitting in a beautiful house, playing Wii and typing on my mac book and you wre praying for me? Images from what I had seen in his country flashed through my mind and I was ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I had lost sight of what is important. Instead of worrying about sleep, I should worry about the little girl next to me. Instead of worrying about not having enough money when I know there is plenty in my account, I should be worried about those who have none, and instead of being consumed with prayers for myself and those immediately around me, I need to remember the big picture. There's more to life then what my little mind can conceive, and realizing that was surely the most unexpected surprise of them all.

Hide and Seek

During a fit of insomnia last night, I flipped on my tv, hoping that something good was on. This past week I have had trouble sleeping for this reason and that, and all that has been on has been that stupid insanity infomercial. While I know I could be in better shape, there is nothing in the world that would make me want to do that workout in the clear light of day, however in the cloak of darkness it looks kind of fun. Knowing that if I watched the silly infomercial one more time I may be tempted to actually purchase it, I looked for something else. I was delighted when I saw that USA's show In Plain Sight was running some re-runs, and even MORE excited that it was one that I hadn't seen in a while. So there I was, lieing in my bed whatching some mindless television when all of the sudden I was hit by something very profound. Like I said before, quotes can come from anywhere and I will hold to them.

After the bad guy has been caught and all is well in the world once more, Mary Shanonn always gives a very eloquent and to the point speach, however it is mostly about nothing to do with life, and everything that has to do with being a U.S marshall. Tonight however, it seemed the the writers were inspired, and cranked out something that hit me right where I live.

"Everybody hides. Some people hide because the have to, some because they don't want to be seen. Then there are the very special people that hide because... because... because they just want someone to care enough to come find them."

One of my favorite authors and role modles Anne Bogart talks about Kenetic and Static art. Kenetic art moves you, while Static art stops you to the point you can't get past it, and demands you ask questions of yourself. These words acted like static art to me, and stopped me where I was. I turned on my light, flipped down the volume, and just sat in thought for a moment, stunned that a re-run at 3:00 am had found me.

I like to be alone. I would rather live alone than live with people. I spend the majority of my time alone in my apartment or in my room depending on what state I'm in, but that's the way I like it. I even have the tendency to turn down plans with friends, people that I actually like, and not because I dont want to spend time with them but simply because I would rather spend time with myself. My closest friends even joke that I will go into hiding for weeks at a time, and that they know once I'm ready I will re-enter the world. Recently I had begun to wonder why I am like this. I know that I am overly senstive to my surroundings, and that sometimes I can't handle anymore than what I have, but that's not always the reason I stay in. I even went to my grandparents, who know me better than anyone besides my parents, and they said that I have always been this way, and that it was just part of who I am. That I needed my time.

But sitting in my day bed in my parents house with my favorite sweat pants on I realized that I just want someone to care enough to come look for me. I have recently had my heart broken, and I think that my hiding may have gone into hyper drive because of that. Someone that would always come and look for me isn't here anymore, and I didnt even realize they were one of the ones that could always find me. I know that this person was no good for me, and I am by no means mourning their absence, but it was just shocking to realize. Even though I have been hurt a million times over, I am still that little girl my friends joke about, that will always believe in fairytales, and who's favorite game will always be hide and seek.

The Road Not Taken...

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not have traveled both
And be one travler long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other one just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Beacuse it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads onto way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

The first time I ever heard this poem, I was sitting in my room, watching the amazing and terribly missed 90's tv show Boy Meets World. It was the opening scene, and as usual all of the main characters were in Mr. Feeny's never changing classroom. Topanga was standing in front of the class, and all she recited was the tail end of the poem, "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." Immediatly something sparked off in my thirteen year old mind and I had to figure out where this poem came from and what the rest of the story preceeding that satement was. I have always been a sucker for good writing, so whether I am watching television, talking to a friend, or sitting in the middle of a lecture, if something said ignites my heart, I cling to it for a time.
It wasn't hard to find that the poem was written by Robert Frost and was indeed his most famous work. I immediatly hit the print button and ran to the printer. Once the ink had dried I snatched it from the tray, and ran back to my room, where I placed in on my bulletin board with a red thumb tack. My fit of insanity was over, and i could now relax and watch the rest of Boy Meets World in peace, knowing I had discovered something wonderful.
I have never been one to keep things, but for years that poem has stayed in the same place with the same thumb tack through it on my bulletin board right at my door. As I have grown older, I have been faced with many different challenges and choices, many of which no teenager or young twenty something should ever have to face. The choices I have made, especially in this past year have been radical ones. I chose to leave the most prestigious Theatre program in the country, on the grounds that I simply wasn't happy. A little further on my road I have had to choose between dangerous treatments, some of which could kill me, and some of them with no hope of helping me. These were all choices that I made alone. While I could turn to others for their opinion, they could no sooner make my choices than use the bathroom for me. I have become a strong person because of my life, and I wouldn't change me for the world. I know that some people may not agree with anything I do, but honestly I'm not living my life seeking approval, I'm living it in search of peace, happiness, and ultimalty the joy that only the Lord can bring me.
Through my life's journey's in the past seven years this poem has greeted me at my door, showing me in clear black and white that I have done the right thing. I took the road less traveld by, and it most certainly has made all the difference in the world.