Fingerprints

My brain won't shut up. Seriously. And it's not like there is just one train of thought that my mind keeps going on and re-working to try and find a different solution to. It's like my brain is Grand Central Station, and there are tons of trains all leaving at once, and since I am not run by lots of very intelligent people and am flying solo, I'm not able to keep track of all the trains leaving the station. It's basically a free for all. Thoughts are coming and going just as they please. I'm starting to feel like a spectator in this new sport I have stumbled upon except I'm still unsure of all the rules. As the saying goes if you can't beat them, join them, so that is exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to make the rules.

I am experiencing some growing pains. I have felt some here and there recently, but have taken some metaphorical Tylenol in hopes that they would just get better an leave me alone. Well now it seems that they are collectively rioting to get my attention. Well OK aches and pains of life, I see you, but that doesn't mean that you win. Yet.

The funniest thing that I find about these annoying growing pains is that none of them are bad, they actually all collectively point to a greater good, to a girl more successful than you would think for her age, and honestly I think I am scared of that. I have to opportunity to excel at a lot of different things, and in the madness of it all I think I have forgotten that I am allowed to be a little bit afraid of who I have the potential to be.

I don't like telling people how old I am. For whatever reason, life crept up on me faster than it did for others, and I learned some very hard, very real yet very simple lessons very early on in my teenage years. Life is what you make it, and this life is so extremely precious. There isn't a day that should go by when you shouldn't fight tooth and nail to get absolutely everything you can out of every single day, because unlike little orphan Annie, I don't always count on tomorrow. In the midst of coming to grips with all of this in my late teens, I think I got the free gift with purchase by promising myself I would be somebody today, not wait until I was the proper age for someone to believe I was the someone I said I was. While I do believe that I have achieved a menial amount of success with many new open doors, I think I have forgotten that it is OK to be daunted by the future you want. It' s OK for a second to be afraid of who you have the potential to be.

I have accepted a lot on my plate and all of it is wonderful, but I find myself being more hesitant than normal. I finally think now that it's because I don't want to fail at any of it. But honestly, who determines failure or success? Is there some sort of handbook that I haven't read that shows the qualifications for failure and success? What I deem as failure may be seen as a win to someone else. Life is about perspective, not rules and regulations. There is no such thing as win or lose, it truly is all about how you play the game.

There are many things about life that are unclear. How do you open yourself up to someone and let them really see who you are, instead of pushing them to see what you want them to see. We can't control someone else's perspective, so we try and sweeten the deal by manipulations and re directions. It's hard to be an open book, even when that's all we want to be. We become so aware of the fact that someone may not like what they see, that we try and manipulate just what they see. At least I do. I am not innocent of playing the game of I'll show you what you want to see, instead of let me show you who I am, but I don't really think that many of us are.

I guess what I am trying to say in too many words is that it's all OK. It's OK to be afraid, to take a break, to re-evaluate, to take a second and re-work what you think you are doing. All that I know is, I love that I have been given the chance to be Courtney Whittamore, which includes having lots of opinions and lots of questions and not very many answers. Life is more about the questions anyway, cause if we knew it all, where would the adventure be? I want to have it all, and then some. Just like everyone else I want to be king of the world in my own way... someday. Today I am happy to be sitting on my bed, knowing tomorrow I get to go to work, then to learn, then to better myself, then to be with the ones I love. And then the next day I get to do a variation of the same. And that everyday, I get to create something that only I have the chance to create. And that someday, someone will look back on this life of mine and think that they wouldn't have been the same without my fingerprint on the world. That's all I want. To leave my fingerprint on the world.

When One Door Closes...

Well, the last few days have been quite annoying, yet really positive. I know that sounds convoluted, so let me further explain.

Thereasa is rude. Thereasa is my car and she is very rude. On my way to work yesterday, she pitched a fit. It was about 3:45 in the afternoon, I had just stopped to grab some Chick-fil-a sweet tea and waffle fries, comfort food for any southern lady who wishes she was from the city and she just had enough. I was supposed to be in Punta Gorda (for those of you unfamiliar with the area that's an hour away from where I was) by 4:30 at the latest to pick up my bosses son from work because she had an important meeting to attend to. And there I was, in the turning lane on one of the busiest streets in town with my hazards on, wincing every time someone gave me the finger as they maneuvered around me. Luckily dad wasn't too far away at work, and since he likes me a little he came to save the day. I was finally able to convince my diva of a car to start up again, and managed to get myself in a parking spot to lick my wounds and eat my waffle fries.

So needless to say I couldn't get to Punta Gorda at all let alone on time. I was so ticked off by that reality that I actually need some time to pout alone in my room like the four year old I sometimes am. I couldn't come to grips with the fact that I had been unreliable do to things out of my control. I also began to stress over the notion that my show stopping diva car is now in her 11th year, and as much as we love and hate each other, I may have to break it off and start fresh with a new diva that can get me to work on time.

Along with the frustrations of malfunctioning cars I have been dealing with a change in medical coverage, meaning I literally have to break some one's arm to get the medicine I need to be healthy. I have come to discover that the health care industry is a business just like any other, and that those technicians on the other line are working for minimum wage, and don't care about you at all. That is if you get a person at all. Most of the time it's that automated voice of a woman on Valium asking you to say certain words and never repeating them right back to you. Can you tell I have been put on hold a time or two in the past few days?

But like I said, there are good things happening too. Along with my wonderful day job at Lori Lane Personnel that allows me to be flexible as long as I keep a smile on my face and get the job done, I have been given the opportunity to study under my voice mentor to become a vocal mentor in her studio as well. I am so floored and happy that she really believes that I have come to a point where I can teach others what I LOVE to do. I have full access to observe her with her students any time my schedule permits and just absorb everything I possibly can. This is like my heaven. I love observing and taking notes and learning from watch just as much as learning from doing... just ask the cast of Hairspray :) Through this she has put me in touch with several of her students needing female vocalist for recording demos for bands and even live performances. Nothing is certain as of yet, but just having doors like that be halfway open is a really awesome thing.

It seems that life is evening itself out at the moment. For every frustration comes an opportunity. I just pray that as I follow God's will for my life, that I can do it all :)

Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot...

I know that I am a few days late, and the new year has already greeted us, but that doesn't mean that I can't still write about it :) To me, new years eve is just another night, so as boring and unexciting as it is, I stayed home and didn't make a big fuss. As a matter of fact, I watched Barbie's Island Princess with my seven year old sister because neither one of us could sleep in lue of all of the festive fireworks going off in our neighborhood. I spent those hours between decades with someone I love with all of my heart, and don't think I could have had a better time if I were anywhere else in the world.

The one thing that I do enjoy about New Years however, is the chance to reflect on how life has surprised you in the last 365 days and start your sentences with "if someone would have told me" and end them with "I never would have believed them." I have not only looked back on this year, I have read my thoughts on this throughout this year, and I just love every word. If I knew then what I know now, I would have hugged myself and said baby just you wait.

This year has been full of moments for me. And a lot of those moments were full of decisions. I really do believe that this is my first grown up year. I say that because I have not apologized for life, instead I have lived it for everyone to watch if they so choose, and I have never been happier. Me and my God are driving this life of an eccentric, life loving and risk taking Miss Whittamore, and I only hope that I can keep this pattern up.

I know that people usually make New Years resolutions during this time, and with the best of intentions, but I also know that they fall to the wayside when life happens. I can't say that I don't have goals for this year, because I most certainly do, but I am not going to be so narrow minded as to map them out. If I do, I am limiting myself to only my idea of this life, instead of being open to letting others have a hand in my progress. Would I like to shed a few pounds? Of course! who doesn't?! But I am also not going to set a deadline for that because I don't want to kill myself if I don't make it. The goal is instead to live a healthy lifestyle, and if a consequence of that is losing a few pounds then of course that is welcome. Do I want to keep climbing this ladder that I have found myself on? Why yes I do, but I am not going to kill myself if I don't make it up 5 more rungs by 2012. I am going to be the best me I can be, make my own opportunities, and allow people to help me, instead of thinking I can do all of this alone. There is no shame in being helped, instead there are volumes of wisdom in allowing someone of more experience to guide you.

Once again, I find myself at a crossroad, but I have decided there are very few times when life doesn't leave you without options. Many of the things I have shared my hopes for have indeed come true. So far in the new year I have Beehive down in Naples to look forward to, several contracted vocal gigs, some prospects with the theatre comapnies I hav put my foot in the door of this year, the opportunity to be a voice mentor in training with the goal of teaching a wonderful voice curriculum, a few recording opportunities, as well as the opportunity to advance in my day job at the staffing agency. I am blessed beyond measure that on day 2 of the new year I already have so much to look forward to, but I am also excited that the way I see things happening right now is certainly not the way they will look months down the line. Life is more manageable when looked at as a scavenger hunt as opposed to a surprise party, and I can't wait to find some more clues that lead me to the prize.

Nothing about me is original, I am a compilation of everyone I have ever met. I look forward and challenge those in my future, to keep me on my toes.

Happy New Year to you all. How do you measure a year in the life? How about love.

You Can't Take It With You

I'm really glad that I threw my plan for my life out the window a long time ago. Most people would follow that sentence with "because this is so much better than anything that I could have thought up"... and while that is a beautiful sentiment that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside and that you have finally arrived somewhere, I can't honestly say that. How can I know if something is better than a scenario that I haven't experienced anywhere besides my wondering of what ifs? However, I will follow that sentence with "because I am amazed with how positive things have turned out." I almost said "amazed with where I have ended up." I even typed it out, looked at it and deleted it. twice. Because i have realized I am SO far from the end.

Since we have entered the holiday season, and in addition I am currently involved with a holiday show, my mind has been in a very thankful, holly jolly (yes that is a show title plug :)) mindset, I have actually been in the place to live in the holiday spirit, not just watch it pass me by while I keep my head down and keep to the never ending grind. This is what I have discovered. In spite of myself, my life has become something. In spite of my sometimes thoughtless and spontaneous choices, my life has continued to surprise me. I am continuously trying to follow my heart, and sometimes to others that appears flippant and flighty, but I have never been more happy that I went with my heart, as opposed to letting my analytical side take over and mandating I stay where I am and continue to convince myself that my heart is wrong.

One of the most ironic things I think I have experienced in the last year is, that while I left school, I have most certainly not stopped learning. As a matter of fact, I have been thrown into the school of life, and you can't fail at that. There are no A's or F's anymore, there's just do it, or lose your job. One of the many things I have learned is to not only keep an open mind, but to keep an open heart. I have been so incredibly blessed to have been apart of three different cast families within the last almost 7 months, and each member of all three has impacted me in several ways. Some, by expressing their dislike for me and things of that nature, have inspired me to continue to be who I am, and not try and please everyone. Not everyone is going to like you, and I think that I am one step closer to understanding that. Others by sharing a super special bond that only takes a smile to create, and only distance can dim it, simply because you have both dedicated your life to creating art. And then there are the ones that while it takes a little more than a smile, maybe it's a shared joke or a simple touching moment that you both noticed that everyone else missed which brings you together but not even distance can make you forget how it felt to be with them. Just breathing the same air with them made you feel like you wanted to be a better person. I can honestly say I have been blessed to know such people, learn from them, and better yet call them my friends.

In the last year, I have moved four times... and not just small moves, I mean cross country moves, and this is just the beginning. I have been called to a life of a gypsy, and even though it's what makes me get up in the morning, it comes with a lot of bumps. Luckily I now have a place that I can call my home base for now, and can begin to make a life for myself, but who knows where it will take me. Like I said, I threw out my plans alooooong time ago. I decided to actually live what my mom has told me since I could remember and "let go, and let God." and I have never felt so fulfilled and happy, and trust me, not everything that happened or will happen has been happy. My road has been littered with let downs and hardships and goodbyes and health malfunctions and many other such things, but those are the things that make me who I am, not the happy time things. I may not be able to take everything with me, but I can keep the love that I have been shown, the lessons I have learned, the memories that we share, and the never ending song in my heart that will keep me going until I can't go anymore. My song is my life, and for all of those that have chosen and offered to harmonize with me.

All my love to the recently closed cast of Hairspray. You inspired most of this post. Much love to my Lost Colony babies and my CCM friends as well. Nothing about me is original. I am a compilation of everyone I have ever met. Thank you all so much!! Here's to many more!!! Long live the arts!! lol

Good Morning Baltimore!!

So kids... It HAPPENED!!!

In case you haven't been frequenting my facebook page, my mom's page, my GRANDMA's page and didn't hear the news... I went on as Tracy Turnblad in Hairspray this weekend at Broadway Palm. And let me just tell you, the first emotion I experienced was not joy...

To those of you that know me, know that I am NOT a morning person. I'm not even a mid-morning person. I'm BARELY a noon girl, and even then I still need to not talk for about a half an hour after I wake up. So normally, people don't call me. They know better. But Saturday morning was different.

I had gotten a text the night before from our stage manager which simply stated "(Tracy) has a soar throat. She is performing tonight but be ready to go on this weekend just is case." To say I panicked is an understatement. I was shopping with Emily, and I'm pretty sure if you asked her she would tell you that all the color drained from my face. We were shoe shopping, and all the sudden all I could think is I HAVE to go home and watch the video I had taken of the choreo and run lines. Through all the madness I had the brilliant idea to actually GO to the show and stand in the wings to make sure I knew the entire track, including all the backstage goings ons.

After the show I felt much better. I knew that I had everything in line and that if pigs sprouted wings and hell froze over, I would be fine. I ran a few extra things with Michael (Link) just to be safe, said goodnight to the stage manager Adam, and headed for home. He had said in our parting words that it was still unclear whether or not I would be going on, but that he would give me a call in the morning if I was going on. What we figured the scenario would be is that I would watch the matinee, have a put in rehearsal with the cast (which would be my first rehearsal as Tracy) and then go on for the evening show and the possibly on Sunday.

At 10:00 I was wide awake. And it's a good thing too because that's when I got the call. "It's you." All day?? "Yep. Get down here as soon as you can, we need to fit you for the costumes." I went and threw up.

Mom packed me all up with some snacks which we both knew I wouldn't eat, some smart water (to make me smarter of course) and a whole bunch of prayers and love. On the way to the theatre I may or may not have had to make a pit stop to throw up again, but all things considered I think that is just OK. You probably would have too don't lie.

The funniest thing is that my concerns weren't what you would have thought they would have been, but that's what makes me me. For example, I am smaller than our Tracy, and I didn't know until I walked in at 11 that I had a fat suit so the costumes would fit me properly. YAY. I was having visions of costumes falling off of me and being all exposed on stage (however my shirt did fly open during one of the numbers, but it wasn't terribly noticeable and it was my fault, I didn't fasten it well enough). I also knew that I am almost 4 inches shorter than our Tracy, and that concerned me. I was afraid that when I had to kiss Link, I would only make it to his sternum... I didn't take into account that he could help me lol.

When I got to the theatre and backstage the whole cast was there waiting for me, brimming with encouraging hearts and loving spirits. Since they had a promotional event that was previously planned, there was no time for me to have a put in rehearsal. So Adam put on his actor hat and played every role in the show while I ran around the stage like a mad woman making sure I had my blocking down.

Showtime was quickly approaching and I was finally excited. I had done my work. I had said my prayers and this is where God had brought me for a reason, not to mention I was surrounded by a cast that wanted nothing more than for me to succeed. Chuck (Edna) "tucked me in" into the signature stand up bed for the top of the show and just told me that when it comes down to it, it's all about air and water. Make sure I have my water on both sides of the stage, and get deep enough breaths to keep going. After that each member of the cast made their way to me, each giving me a little bit more strength by wishing me the best, and actually meaning it. Then they made the announcement. "Today the role of Tracy Turnblad will be played by Courtney Whittamore." I smiled so big I got a cramp in my cheeks.

By the grace of God, the shows went so so SO well. I had more fun than I have ever had in my whole entire life. Yes I dropped a line here and there, or maybe didn't do this move exactly perfect, but I did it. It was my show. Being the perfectionist I am, I was saying this to my dear friend Clinton when I said "I know everything I did wrong." to which he responded "But do you know everything you did right?" Yeah. He got me on that one. I received many compliments from my cast mates and family, all of which deeply touched my heart. I am not a one woman show. I know I did not do this on my own. I have a fantastic cast, the best family and an Amazing savior to thank for this. And I am also taking some credit for myself. I am proud of myself. Proud and pleased. :)

From this weekend I have a months worth of happy, hilarious and touching memories. Jennie giving me her time and her servant's heart to make sure I was ready, dressed, calm and confident. Making that Welcome to the 60's twenty second quick change with Amy and Scott, having never rehearsed it and rewarding myself with my very own Jersey Shore fist pump at the end. Clinton smiling a proud friend's smile at me every chance I got to look at him. Walter telling me how happy he was to work with me. Ayana looking me in the eye, taking me by the hand and telling me that she loved me and that I would do great. Trevor being a complete goof and just making me smile. Being on the receiving end of Negdra bringing down the with I know where I've been and bringing me to tears. Literally belting Michael's face off in I Can Hear The Bells, and acting along side of him for the duration of the show. Dancing like a crazy person with Lisa and laughing at our own little jokes. Getting to play with Chuck and Paul, learning and absorbing anything and everything I could from my stage mama. Adam playing every role before curtain for me to make sure I had my lines and trying not to laugh/throw up from anxiety. Actually being scared of Amy when she towered over me in Baltimore crabs, then later learning she actually had a hard time being mean to me. Watching Lara do her thing up close and personal, and respecting her all the more for what she does. Getting HUGE hugs from Courtney Love in the wings. Watching Ford twirl his fanny off. Getting encouraging glances from Nina, Cameron, and Kierstan whenever I could look at them. Standing alone on the stage singing the Good Morning Baltimore Reprise. Taking my first final bow. Seeing my mom's proud face in the audience. And these are just a FEW of my lovely memories!! Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who was involved... This is just the beginning guys!!

A Moment of Weakness.

I have had this blog post sitting in my draft pile for about 6 months now, just waiting for the appropriate time to post it. Normally when I write a post I am an eager beaver and can't wait to publish it and see if anyone actually reads what little old me has to say... but with this one it was different. I think because it shows just how vulnerable I feel sometimes... and I really hate admitting that. So I bet you are wondering; why is she posting it now? Its Jesus O'clock in the morning and no one is going to read it until tomorrow anyways so why now. Well because I don't believe in coincidence. That's why.

I have been having a less than desirable time with my body as of late as most of you know. I am angry that the healing process is going so slow and sometimes I even just want to throw in the towel with this fight because I know someday I will be going through the same song and dance all over again so why prolong the inevitable? So as I am at the height of this self destructive hissy fit I awake from yet another nightmare caused by medicine I have to take to an excruciating headache. I drag myself into the kitchen to get some Tylenol and water I am greeted by a bible verse on the refrigerator door that I have somehow missed for the last week. I'm not sure how I missed it as it was in at least 28 font and took up and entire sheet of computer paper... but there it was, the very bible verse I had so passionately written about months before... so I figure, maybe I need this now more than ever... and maybe you do to. So here it is. I hope and pray it speaks to you.


"There are many times that I feel less than acceptable. My limitations from time to time take over, and I simply become a passenger on a road that I don't wish to be on. Weakness is a scary thing for me. My whole existence is centered around independence and freedom, because without them I know what could become of me. So this post as much as I want it to minister to you, is also a constant reminder to me. What this world sees as pitiful, my God sees as perfect. What the world deems a burden, my Lord calls it beautiful.

I had grown up on this scripture, but when you are young you only cling to the part that sounds pretty. For years I have carried the promise "My grace is sufficient for you" in my heart, but was amiss as to what followed it. A few weeks ago when a friend of mine needed encouraging I looked up a few scriptures for her, hoping that it would help. This particular one was laid on my heart. In an attempt to impart healing words to another, my soul was the one that was soothed.

"But He said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more glady about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. This is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I also really love the way the Message paraphrase puts it when paralleled with the NIV

My grace is enough; it is all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations is stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size- abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Now, I know that Christianity and the viewpoint of Christ are not the most popular these days, but no matter where you stand with him, you must admit that these words are so powerful. That someone could love you so much, that they would pour out grace for you at the precise moment that you need it. I am not perfect, nor am I the perfect Christian and I have never claimed to be. I question God and my faith daily. I am human. However, I hold these words in my heart, especially when devastation is so prevalent in today's reality. For me, this is my comfort. That in my moment of weakness, there is hope that I will be strong again."

Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep

So several things have happened since my last blog post. Firstly my contract has ended with The Lost Colony and I am back at home. However, seven days before my contract ended my body had decided that enough was enough and I had a nice 5 day stay at the Outer banks Hospital where I received heavy, draining, yet effective treatment for my Crohn's disease. I was released from the hospital two days before I was to move out and I was panicked. A fun fact about hospital trips is that you don't always get released when you are better, rather they discharge you when there is nothing more they can do for you and the rest is up to God. I left better than I was before, but depleted of any kind of energy source. The treatment I was given was potent, and caused my body to use any strength it had to heal itself. I was glad to be back in my own space, but I was plagued by the reality that I had four months worth of my life to pack up and I could barely stand on my own.

The power of prayer is something that I have never debated and have only been amazed by as I grow older. I called my grandparents completely broken, wishing away not only the packing process but the 4 hour drive to Raleigh by myself to pick up my dad so he could drive me the rest of the way home. Even though hundreds of miles apart they prayed over me, for someone to be kind enough to help me and that my strength would return quickly.

In enters two beautiful souls: Jimmy and Grace, two of my dear friends that I met doing the show. Jimmy is a gifted dancer and Grace can pretty much do it all. They came in just when I needed them, packed my life in my car, let me boss them around from my bed, and re-assured me that everything was going to be OK. In the end it really didn't take all that much time to do, and wasn't as big of a task as I was picturing it to be, but needless to say it was a few hours given to me as a great gift, and they know how grateful I am to them for their love and support. The drive was manageable but not desirable. Whoever designed the route from the Outer Banks to Raleigh clearly did not have Crohn's disease, for there was an hour and a half stretch without any bathrooms. I was in the middle of farm land for over 70 miles, and I was panicking all the way. Finally I reached some semblance of civilization and not too long afterwards I was driving aimlessly around the Raleigh airport unable to find the cell phone lot that was hiding from me and just parked in short term parking per my mom's advice. Dad came and found me, kicked me out of the driver's seat and set out to get me home, because that's where we both knew I needed to be.

In between uncomfortable naps I thought about my last few weeks in North Carolina. My health took a really fast downward spiral, because that's what health does sometimes, and always without your consent. Several people had things to say about it whether it was amongst themselves or directly to my face, either way alot of it got back to me. At first I was hurt that people would assume I allowed this to happen to myself, but I soon dismissed that as ignorance. Whoever thinks that someone wants to look weak and admit they have a problem they can't control is delusional. I settled on the idea that these people were not worth the time I spent thinking about their opinions, and left it at that. At least be educated when you mud sling, it's alot more attractive and much more effective.

I have been home a week now and I have been so blessed. My recovery is going well and I am so thankful for that. I have been spending time with family, and those friends you wish were family and have been so happy. My parents and grandparents have been so loving and understanding, and Amber and Jenna and Spencer (even though he is in Cinci) have been uplifting and caring in the ways that remind me why they are so important to me. I love you all.

Even though one adventure has ended, there are several more coming up for me! I have an audition with a theatre company in Naples soon that is really promising. I also am going to be teaching a master class titled "What's this Business about Show Business" on the 10th to high school students to help them be better prepared for the business side of theatre. I will be starting an office job at a temp agency helping them with marketing as well as nannying for a very sweet family. I will of course continue writing my book and sharing on here... but perhaps the biggest undertaking of them all, is that I am going to be in an upcoming production of Hairspray as the cover for Tracy with Prather Entertainment! If things go well with this show there may be other opportunities with this company that could lead to some really big things. SO EXCITING!

I may have Crohn's disease, but my God is bigger than any disease. I am going to continue to follow his will for my life and I know that I will be just fine. Actually I will be more than fine, I will be blessed, and that's exactly what it should be.