Sunday, May 2, 2010
Today is the day. My stuff is all crammed into Theressa... and by stuff I mean WAYY too much stuff, but hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Per usual to my traveling M.O. I still have a few things here and there that I need to pack up because I needed them to get ready this morning or I was just too tired from packing all the big stuff that I just left it to do thins morning. Even with the small amount still left to pack, I am sitting in the room I have grown up in, looking around wondering where all the time has gone.
This is not my first time leaving home, not by any stretch of the imagination. I have traveled all over the country and have had stints of living in many places, all by myself. I started this trend at the age of 16, so this is most certainly not a new sensation to me. This leaving home thing. For a while I didn't even acknowledge anywhere as home, but I think that everyone goes through that stage, however this trip home, this most unexpected time home, helped me rediscover my heart, and my love, and I think that may be why its so hard to break away this time.
I have spent the last three days saying goodbyes, and they all seem to be progressing in their intensity. I had to say Peace out to my lovely Ambie Bambi... Who I will miss terribly and love SO MUCH its retarded. She is one of the few friends that I have that supports me without jealousy and is my biggest fan all the way. I love you PHPA :) you better keep in touch while in Germany! I also said goodbye to my grandparents on Thursday, which while difficult because of how precious they are to me, it is a little easier to bid them farewell. A lot of our relationship is over the phone because of the distances I have traveled through the years, and this trip won't change that pattern. I know that they will always be here for me and the fact I have a job far away will not change that. I also said goodbye to the little boy I have been nannying for and his sweet mother. I will miss them terribly and I feel like I have become a part of their little family. I can't wait to come back and start working for them again. They are truly blessings in my life.
Then I had to say bye to my munchkins. This is the most horrible invention of all time. I can't type too much about it or the tears that involuntarily flow when I think about their beautiful hearts and sweet innocents will begin to flow. I sometimes feel like I am a bad sister, for coming and going out of their lives all the time to pursue this crazy dream of mine. I just have to remind myself that I am doing this for them too. I am setting the example for what it is to follow your heart and the will of Christ, not matter how hard it is and no matter how far away it may take you. I am so blessed to have them in my life, and I know that these tears are silly, because they would much rather me go away and be happy doing what I am made to do than stay here and waste my gifts.
Then there is Mommy. Man oh man. Over the years we have had our differences, and they have been big ones. However during my time home God did something miraculous. He wiped away the past and let us start over. We have both been striving to better ourselves on our own terms, and I think that we were both of the same mind that we need to improve the quality of life. I did that by leaving a toxic environment, she did that by getting healthy. I found my best friend again, and I really don't want to leave her. So in North Carolina you will all see me sitting anywhere there is free Internet skyping with my Ma and the kids. I love you all so very much, and I will see you soon.
I don't know why I am so nostalgic!! This is so very unlike me. I am violently independent, so I try not to get attached, but I've learned its OK to let people in your heart. I never and I mean NEVER get this way before a trip. So this is silly. I think it may be a combination of nerves, fear, and contentment. I can predict everything that happens here, yet I have NO idea what I am getting into. I am super excited, yet it's hard to know how to be excited because I don't know what's going to happen. I guess we are all going to find out rather quickly!! (I am going to post as MUCH as I can while I am down there, but they may be a bit more sparse :( not sure what the Internet situation will be or what my schedule looks like. I'll keep you posted!)
So. Off to North Carolina I go!! I am ready, and soon I will grab the keys to my car, pick up Dad, and hit the open road. One more adventure to add to my wonderful life, and I am so stoked to see what my life is going to blossom into because of this. So to all of you I am leaving for a while, I love you very much, and will see you later :)
"May the Lord keep watch between you and me while we are away from each other." Gen. 31:49