When It Rains It Pours

The last few weeks have been an interesting stretch. It's hot. And I mean really hot. And the fact that we wear wool clothing and layers of it in the heat doesn't make anyone any happier. We also are getting teased by the weather. One second its scorching hot and then you blink and it's hailing. We are tired. And when people get tired it's a known fact that sooner or later they get cranky. I think we bypassed cranky and went straight to grumpy and some even angry. We need space... but somehow space is the one commodity that seems to be evading us. Something we all see as a necessity has shomehow become a privalage that non of us are elevated enough to achieve. So instead we brood. Or, in my case... just stay quiet.

We had a really bad storm the other night. In hindsight I know that many people have different opinions of what the storm actually was, but if we are all honest in the midst of it, we all knew it wasn't right. There were three different storms surrounding the theatre, and each one of them was displaying their power, warning us not to contend with it. Lightning and heavy winds were the main event, and I was nervous. In talking to cast mates about it in short hurried whispers backstage I admited my anxiety, adding that I see storms all the time as I am a Florda girl through and through, and the fact that I was hesitant made my anxiety mount even further. It even got to the point where people became scared onstage. The lighting loomed directly overhead and I think we all went into hyper drive. For some people that meant speeding up... for others it meant crying. For me... it meant holding on for dear life to however happened to be near and slilently praying that it would all be over soon.

In the end the right decision was made. When the "due to incliment weather" announcement was made I don't think I could have been more relieved. I quickly grabbed my things, got out of costume and went home with my roomie to hide under the covers and block out the night that just wouldn't go away. Funny thing is, is that I thought all the opinions and harsh tones and words would have gotten out of the way at the theatre, but it turns out I was far from accurate on that one. People quickly began to unleash their frustrations, and unfortunalty on each other. It happened, it's over, and we have hopefully moved on. However, reading and hearing some of these things made me realize just how close the end of all of this really is.

We have around 20 performances left. That means I have roughly less than a month here in North Carolina. I remember before I got here how nervous I was, when I was finally here how excited I was, when I was settled in how content I was, and now that it's nearing the end how ready I am to move on. I am resolved with the fact that this will end. I will go to my next contract and experience things there just like I have here, some wonderful, and some unneccesary. I have met people here who I can honestly say that I love, and some who I probably won't speak to again after this because that's just the way life it, and that's ok. I am honored to be apart of this family, but I still recognize that things change, and I'm not going to waste opportunites by refusing to change with time.

As I get ready to leave for the theatre for my 50 something show, Im blessed to know I have a job to go to, and one that I love doing.It most certainly has its bumps, but what doesn't? I will give it everything I have until its time to pack my things and move on. Merde, and break legs to all of the cast and crew! Here we go!

Its Raining Its Pouring

Me and my roomate are crazy. Or at least this is what we have been told on more than one occasion... especially in the past few days. It is now officailly the middle of the run of our show here at the lost colony, and honestly I think that we are all going a little crazy in our own way. We live on an island... a very small island where everything closes at eleven (save for hatchels and 7 eleven... BLESS). We work and live with the same group of people, which is good and bad, and we are doing the same thing every night. We are essentailly being paid (however little it may be) to live in a rut, and I think we are all beginning to realize that.

Roomie and I have one of the easiest relationships I have ever had the fortune of maintaining. Im actually shocked that two girls get along as well as we do... much less two girls that have the same profession, same job, and same BEDROOM. We are just similar enough to understand where each other is comming from, but still different enough that we don't kill each other. Of course we have gotten fed up with each other, and probably at times angry, but there have never been harsh words or blow up (knock on wood) just silence and space, which is exactly what should happen. The one thing that I think makes our friendship what it is, is that we are both just about the same amount of insane... and when one is in desperate need of an adventure, a laugh, deep conversation, and yes at times even a good cry, the other one isnt afraid to jump on board and come along for the ride. No one wants to take the swells of life alone, and I think we both understand that.

Last night was a semi normal semi akward night. I had some personal issues that I had to deal with that I honestly just wanted to go away, and sarah had a meeting to go to. After my lovely extravaganza was through I wasn't in the best of moods. I don't like to deal with things that I think are silly and by that I mean that I just wished didn't exist. I guess that is just the child in me but hey, everyone has their flaws. So being slightly annoyed I began my trudge back to my apartment to sulk, when I discovered Sarah had embarked on her laundry journey without me. I quickly grabbed my own clothes and went to the laundry mat with Matthew and met her there. I can honestly say that I have never had more fun doing laundry in my life. We were the olny ones there, it was airconditioned.. YAY and it was with people that I don't have to put a show on for. At this point on a personal level our entire company is just tired... so it was nice to escape for a while and just be.

After our laundry was finished, Sarah decided she was hungry, so being us we decided to go on a "vacation" across the bridge to the 24 hour drive through McDonalds in Kill Devil Hills. Matt was already rather tired... and I don't bame him, he had had much more of a day than either one of us had, so we dropped him back off in the grove and set out on our escapade. Before he got out of my car though, he said "You girls are crazy." And I couldn't agree more with him.

We had a beautiful vacation. Per our usual drive through experiance we encountered someone we couldn't understand at the window, and insued in imperssionations the entire way home. Amidst our fits of laughter it began to rain really hard. The rain didn't really become a problem until we reached the parking lot of the grove and had to go inside. Now it was 5am in the morning... most people if they were up at that hour would have just sucked it up and just gone inside so they could sleep. Not us. We decided to lay the seats back in my car and watch the lightning and listen to the rain. At first it was purely because we didnt want to get wet... but then it became peaceful. We were able to just sit there... no words were needed. It was the first time in a long time that I felt that I could just breathe and that was enough.

Living with actors is hard. You always have to prove why you belong.. whether its because you are the funniest, the prettiest or the most well liked, you have to be the best at something. I've gotten really tired of playing that game... I think we all have. I don't know what I'm the best at... and honestly I don't know if I ever will know. But what I do know is that I am crazy. Everyone else knows it too. I am crazy enought to just sit in a car in the pouring rain and exist... and know that that is enough. Pouring

This is All

You know when you have those days when you have a whole bunch of feelings and thoughts swimming around in your head but you can't pinpoint exactly what any of them are so you end up just being stoic? If you don't that's OK. Actually it's probably better if you haven't... I certainly wouldn't call it a great feeling. I'm there right now. I just got back from a great gathering with my company for the fourth thrown for us by our executive producer, and yeah I had a great time, but for some reason I felt out of place. I'm now sitting on my couch in the dark because I couldn't be bothered to turn on the lights listening to Hide and Seek, and I just want this feeling out of my stomach... so I'm going to try and sort it all out here.

I went to a play reading this past friday night at midnight. It's sort of a tradition that we have started here. We jokingly call it artistic Friday's, but essentially that is what it is. Any member of the cast that has anything original that they would like to share can do so on one of our cast member's porches and we can provide feedback. Thus far we have been reading plays written by members of our cast and are cast and read by other members of the cast. This week's play was a bit more intense than the others; it was based on the life and events surrounding the scandle of Fredrico Garcia Lorca's dissapearence/death. I walked into this reading blind... I didn't know a THING about any of what was being dicussed... including who Lorca even was. As the play was being read however, I learned that he was a revolutionary writer and person, bringing to light subject matter that others were scared to even discuss, much less put it on the stage. There was one line in the play that sailed straight into my heart... "I am Fredrico Garcia Lorca. That is all I can ever be."

I am insecure. I can be socially awkward sometimes and can become easily introverted if I'm not comfortable. I'm a walking condradiciton. I can be the funny girl who makes the whole room laugh, and the next minute I am wishing I were in someone elses skin. I'm an actor who loves to sit at home and be alone from time to time. I can't compete with people who are "on" all the time , and to be truthful I won't. It would be a waste to change the person I am just so someone else will look my way. I wish sometimes I were as confident as my words, and I know that I can be, I think it just takes time. Now by no means am I a sad little girl crying in a corner, this is just what has been swimming through my head. I like who I am, I have worked hard to be this person. I am all I can ever be.