Stand a Little Taller

Much easier said then done... especially for someone who stands at a mere 5'2" on a "tall" day. However, it's something I have been told to do my whole life. When you are standing in line as a kindergartner learning how to "follow the leader" you are propositioned to "straighten up." When you are a teenager learning how to wear heels for the first time to a big even you are told to "stop hunching over." In college when you are making a huge presentation to the board of your division you are told to "Stop Slouching." When you are finally a big girl living in a big girl world doing the job of a very big girl you are told to "Stand tall. If you see yourself as small, so will everyone else." So here I stand, miniature and all, trying to figure out exactly how to make my munchkin self feel taller.

A lot can happen in a year. At least this is something that my boss reminds me of almost every single day. And every day I stop what I'm doing, reflect for a minute and silently agree with her. A lot can happen in a year. A lot DID happen in a year. I have made some decisions that I know have forever altered the course of my journey. At this moment I am not going to cast my vote as to whether I "made the right choice" or not... simply because I don't know yet. I have officially decided to step away from theatre for a bit. I don't know for how long, but I do know that it is something that must be done for myself. Don't get me wrong it will always have a special place in my heart, but sometimes when you grow up, your dreams change a little bit. And that is exactly what has happened to me. My dreams have changed, and I don't see anything wrong with that at all.

So in light of this profound movement in my life, I have had to make many many MANY adjustments. First I had to get a job. Which oddly enough was I think the easiest part. And even MORE odd is that I am so crazy in love with what I do. I work for a wonderful company owned by a very independent, very eccentric woman who one minute makes you want to cry, and the next minute has you wanting to be just like her. I am putting my servant's heart to good use as my main objective every single day is to find work for those who have trouble finding work for themselves. I deal with hundreds of people on a daily basis and simply have to remember that I am actually making a noticeable difference. My position is a little unique as I do a little bit of everything, and really kind of have my finger in every single aspect of the place. Because of this, I carry a lot of weight with the company. I am needed. I am necessary. I deal with people two to three times my age in the form of a supervisor. And that is terrifying to me. The little girl that lives inside of me is freaking out over this. I'm not sure if I am ready for this, but as life doesn't usually wait for you I've got to catch up. Stand up. Shoulders back and head held high.

Also since I am now a part of "corporate America" I now keep a normal person's schedule. I work during the day! I never thought it would happen lol. But because of this I have begun to be able to expand my horizons a little bit. I have been able to spend more much needed time with my family. I have been able to see my friend. I have also been able to date. And to fall in love. Yes ladies and gentlemen the impossible has occurred. I am no longer on the market. This cynical little brat has discovered that in fact chivalry isn't dead... it's just endangered. I have got myself a fella that just makes everything so much better. Honestly though, besides all the I love you's and they Oh my goodness they are so cute I want to puke moments, I have really learned something. I do have value. I am worth being loved. I can stand up straight because not only do I do something to be proud of, I AM someone to be proud of... and that is something entirely new for me.

Every morning I wake up and the first thing I do is walk to the bathroom counter and brush my teeth. For years I never looked in the mirror while I did this. I didn't want to see myself at least until after I had showered, but usually after my hair was blow dried. However, today when I was getting ready, I looked in the mirror. For the first time in my whole entire life I didn't shrink away from what I saw. I didn't think about how I need a hair cut or that I have a bad break out or that I'm fat or that I wish I were someone different. I looked in the mirror and actually thought that I was pretty. That I was worth something. And maybe, just maybe, I looked a little taller. Not by much, but just a little bit. This crazy life of mine has taken me to places I never dreamed I would go, and I can't say that I mind it. I am beyond blessed with a joy that I never had a year ago. Yes I have some flaws, but those flaws are what allow me to shine in other ways that I never thought I would be able to. So every day I am going to continue to wear my platform heels, but know in my heart that I can now and always feel six feet tall.

Secrets Secrets Are No Fun

Today I have been totally lazy and I am not afraid to admit it. I am still in my pajamas from last night. I have only left my room to eat. Since my bathroom in in the master suite I have so lovely bestowed upon the name of the Courtney Cave, I didn't even have to leave for that. Even the USA network promoted my day of slothy behaviour by airing an all day "scare-a-thon" marathon of the best episodes of Law and Order SVU. So any hope of actually accomplishing anything was lost on me today. Especially when all of these factors were coupled with the fact that the cooler weather has made it much harder for me to get out from underneath my oasty toasty fresh laundry scented blankets. Hey, even the Lord deems Sunday as "the day of rest." So who am I to argue with that?

So while I was enjoying my day of absolute waste, I also was encountered by boundless time to think, which is I suppose is the trade off to being an absolute bum. I just began to think. And think. And think about every little possible thing that could possibly be thought about until I was suddenly lost in the recesses of my mind. I thought about silly things. Like why my favorite color is red. Because when I was younger every other little girl's favorite color was pink. Or purple. Or if they were like the anti little girl that hated pink then they liked black. But I was neither. I knew that I liked lady bugs. And cardinals. And roses. And Orchids that were such a dark purple they were almost red. So I decided that my favorite color was red and I stuck with it ever since. But I also thought about the important things. The things that I bury myself in work so that I don't have to think about them. About the tough times my family has been going through. About the things I am seeing now that I am older. About the things that I am now having to realize now that I'm a "grown up". About the lies that I've told. About the lies I have been told. About how selfishness runs this world, and not love like I thought it did. That no relationship is perfect, because how could it be when the people that comprise the relationship have no home of even seeing that kind of purity. That life, just like everyone always says is not easy and not fair. But it's one thing to say that, and an entirely different thing to actually accept it.

While I was lost in the vortex of these thoughts a commercial came on for a run of the mill cable drama that is trying to procure viewers for the upcoming season. A line that was used to draw in ratings in this commercials caught my attention, because it asked a question of all of the questions that seemed to be berating me. The sexy spy character of the thrilling CSI drama said to her superior, " I would just like to know how dirty I am going to get." Well life, I ask the same question of you. How dirty am I going to get?

If I have learned anything over the last few months it is that I am much too much of an eternal optimist. I see the potential in people, not what they are actually scheming of at the moment. I see the happy in relationships, because that's what I want to see. I see the best of every situation, because if I don't then there is the potential that I will fall apart, and if I fall apart, who will help me put myself back together again? I mean if all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't fix Humpty Dumpty, then what hope do I have for myself? So I just saw what I chose to see. Until what I was choosing to see wasn't even there anymore. Selfish nature and hurtful intentions are all that was left, and while I may be a cock-eyed optimist I am no fool. If you splay disgust in front of me then that's exactly the same kind of filth that I am going to see. And you bet your bottom dollar that I will walk away from that.

Everyone has secrets. Everyone. I don't care who you are. Even the saints of this world have something hiding in the shadows. I have my secrets. So do you. The question is, will they change you? Will they turn you into this negative, horrible, selfish person in the end?. I have my secrets. And I plan to keep them, purely by the standard that I need to keep some portion of this life for myself and for the ones that are truly involved, not for the well meaning morons. Everyone also lies. All the time. About little things and about the most important things in the world. We lie about whether or not someone looks pretty in a dress or about whether or not we mean what we say when it comes to the moments when we aren't just talking face to face, but heart to heart. I will not throw the first stone because I know that I am not blameless. I have lied. But I hope that I have never lied so fiercely and without remorse that it has forever damaged the life of another. I want to know how dirty I am, and how much more dirty this life is going to get. I want to know if my rose colored glasses will ever have the same vibrant hughe they once had. Blatant viciousness is not uncommon. Silent viciousness is commonplace. Secrets are no fun.

If It Seems Too Good To Be True...

I hate pessimists. I hate the glass half empty. I hate what ifs. I hate I wonder why's. I hate why me's. I hate black and white. And it seems to be that this is what the world has been reduced to. To cynicism. To negativity. To entitlement. Things are never good enough. The grass is always greener on the other side. We always have to keep up with the Jones'. We always want what's bigger, better, faster and stronger. And when we achieve what we thought was going to bring us that contentment that only these goals can bring, we already have our eyes fixed on something better.

I like to call this shinny ball syndrome. You are living your life with your head hung low wishing your life away, and then you see the pretty silver ball. So you go for that. And you run and run until your little feet can't run anymore. You keep your head down to the grind and finally one day you get your silver ball. But when you see it up close you start to notice that it's just the outside that's so pretty. The silver is cheap and flakey, and starting to peel away. Suddenly it has lost its luster. And just as fate would have it, at the precise moment you are seeing your silver ball, something that was once the object of your total affection, the reason for existence, as something cheap and pitiful, you spot a golden egg. And the cycle continues and continues and so on and so forth. Sure it's important to chase after things, but these things shouldn't be actual metaphysical things. We should be chasing after intentions. Not the end result. We shouldn't chase after that really hot guy, we should chase after finding the one that your soul was made to match, and then the Mr. Right will be given to you, as opposed to Mr. Right Now. We shouldn't be chasing after money; we should be chasing after the career that fills you with joy each day because you know that you are making a small difference in the world. You are being the change you want to see in this life. When you chase after that the money will follow.

Sadly however, we have been conditioned to believe that these intensions that breed our fairytale results in point of fact do not exist. We are told that Mr. Right only exists in Jane Austin novels; he only inhabits the fairytales we are told and implored to believe by our mothers as children, then are told to un-believe when we grow up. Our Mister has joined the leagues of Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. One day your mom has to pull you aside and tell you that in fact these were just stories, something happy to believe in for a time, but they don't exist in the "real world." As is the idea of happiness. When we are kids we dream that we can be the President of the United States, or an astronaut, or a movie star. But when we get older we realize that we hate politics, are terrible at psychics, and just aren't pretty or skinny enough to grace the silver screen. So we begin to settle for the 9 to 5 routine, and some of us live our lives there. From their rut they seethe with resentment and marindae in feelings of entitlement and pessimism. Because when we were told that "happily ever after" was to stay confined in the pages of our books, we lost faith in the entirety of the tale.

The sad part of all of this is that we don't even realize that this is what happened to us. We as a generation have for the most part lost the courage to dream big. We have become lazy. We would rather turn down work so that we can still get our unemployment checks and qualify for food stamps. And the majority of us are not only ok with living this way; they don't see anything wrong with it. Because after all, happily ever after doesn’t exist. This is reality. Well I simply refuse to accept that. I deserve everything. Yes. I do feel entitled, but rightly so. Because I'm not just wishing on the North Star every night and then yelling and cursing at it when I don't hold up my end of the bargain. And what is my end of the bargain you ask? Action. I am taking every single action that I can to make my happy ending not just my happy ending, but also my happy existence.

What sparked all of this you ask? Well tonight I broke my mother AND my father's heart and hopped on the back of a motorcycle for a ride. A friend of mine has been incredibly gracious during a rough spot for my family and me and has been driving me to and from the hospital. My superman Poppy is there and I have been going up to see him as much as I can. This was the first time he brought his bike, and I was terrified. Why? Because my mom conditioned me from birth to believe that as soon as I got on one I would be killed before I ever left the driveway. Of course just like anything your parents tell you you can't do, as soon as you do it you love it. Even when the the skies opened and poured down on us leaving us soaked and freezing, I simply had one of the best times I had had in a very long time.

The ride home however was the absolute best. I could see the stars. Like actually look up into the midnight black sky and see the little dots of glitter wink at me as we rode back to my apartment. I had so much on my mind that I am shocked I was even able to take a minute to appreciate something so simple as the stars at night. I think I was probably looking up to the heavens in defeat and instead was met with awe. I am facing the loss of someone who has not only loved me with every fiber of his being, but has understood me without question. He is too good to be true. My Poppy has never once failed me. Never. Not once. He has helped mold me into the person I am, and I can only hope that he is proud of me. So as I sat there riding home I could only thing of what his parting words were to me. "Baby you will survive as long as you keep being Courtney." As I choked back the tears I couldn't help thinking that I hope I am good enough to keep up the bar he has so lovingly set up for me. And then I also thought of the other people who have also set that same bar for me. The important people will want to pound into my heart that I am worth it, that I am beautiful. That what they have to offer me isn't too good to be true. That not only do I deserve happy ever after, but to also know that it exists. And that is something I hope I never forget.

So as I am sitting on the back of this bike, letting the breeze tickle my back and watch the stars wink at me in that knowing way, I knew that I am going to be ok. More than ok. I am going to have my fairy tale. Even Nicholas sparks himself couldn't write it better. I already have my silver ball. My golden egg. It's not the things of this life that make the journey. And it's also not simply the intentions that you have towards the path that you are on. You must couple that with the intensions others have concerning you. The intension of sharing their life with you, and bettering you in the process. Whether it is my family, my dear sweet beautiful friends, or someday a modern day white knight, I know without a doubt that it won't be too good to be true.

Mama I'm a Big Girl Now

Well it has been quite some time since my last post, and honestly a lot of life has happened to me since I last wrote. It's one of those times that I wish I could have taken the time to write down what I was feeling during this transition, but it was such a big one that I didn't even have the time to sit down and comment on it. You know what I take that back. I did have the time. But I think I know deep down that if I let myself sit down and dwell on my life that was shifting in totality and even changing axles, I may not be able to handle it. And we all know what happens when I reach my ropes end... for those of you that don't; keep it that way.

So to summarize my ever changing life. I am now in a new show (Annie at the Broadway Palm Dinner Theatre) which is always such a blessing. I have been blessed yet again to not only do what I love doing, but I have met some beautiful souls along the way that I probably wouldn't have met otherwise, and are really aiding in getting me through this time in life. I have also moved. Yes kids I broke my mother's heart and I moved out. I have a FANTASTIC roomie that I love spending time with, and over all it has been a fairly peaceful adjustment. I miss the kids with my whole heart, and I hate not having my nightly chats with mom, but we all knew it was time to go. Things may be different, but different is not synonymous with bad. I think my relationship with my parents has grown for the better, because now they know the times I do call and come over that I genuinely want to be there, not because I want to appease the hand that feeds me.

So needless to say I kinda feel like I'm living a totally different life than I was a month ago, and to be honest I actually am. I have a different job and a different house, but more so than that I have different priorities, and I am beginning to see that priorities are a core tell in what makes someone tick. If I have the priority to say, pay my bills, then I am going to do everything I possibly can to be smart with my money, and be the best me I can be at my job. I cant for example just party and go out all the time and put that job that allows me to pay my bills in jeopardy. So if I have been keeping company with someone who doesn't have these kinds of responsibility they may have the pre disposition to do whatever they want when they want and not worry about the consequences.

It's funny that when you are fending for yourself how very particular you become about the company you keep. When I was growing up and someone hurt my feelings or I was in a fight with a girlfriend or something, my daddy would always say to me "it's not the quantity of the friends you have, but the quality." I have never found that to be more true. I have begun to look at my recent company and wondering if I should keep it. Now if you are reading this and are a friend of mine, do not fear a sudden blow off or anything like that. No housecleaning is going to be done, it's just an observation. The great thing is I have been so proud of the ones I have chosen to spend my time with. While I am being frugal with my money, I can be generous with my time, (what little of it I have) with those that I have been blessed to cross paths with. I have never felt more uplifted and protected by not only my family, but such special friends as well, and that is truly a miracle.

In everything I do, I do it with all of my heart, and this time in my life is no different. I have thrown myself into this jolt of adulthood with everything I've got, and I can't say that I've come out clean. I've garnered a few bruises here and there by realizing that maybe everything needs to change. I am now a neat freak. No joke. I clean all the time. I make lists. I check my bank account several times a DAY. And among these small adjustments I have tried to lodge the big ones. Like taking my heart a little more seriously and walking away from something that maybe wasn't the best for me. I'm learning how to make clean breaks, not just keeping people around because it's easy. I've also learned how to look into the mirror and be proud of not only the seen (which is a big deal for me) but the unseen. Because I know that when I walk outside the door and get in my car, that if my mommy ever asks me I can tell her that I really am I big girl now.

If You Just Smile

I woke up this morning fully prepared to go through the motions of my work week. You know, living in the rut I have happily created for myself, and completely satisfied to stay confined within it. I had no expectations of greatness. I knew that I would wake up, get ready, go to work, and then come home. Very simple. Very mundane. Very routine. I had no intention of having a day to write home about, but that's the fun thing about life, it finds you when you least expect it.

In fact, today was more of a down day for me. I woke up not feeling well, and ended up having to pep talk my way to work, because that's what adults do. They go to work even when they don't feel like it. Once I got to work there were piles and piles of things on my desk that needed to be done, and done today. I knew that it was going to be not only a daunting task, but probably and impossible one. I watched $210.00 go down the drain as I paid for my speeding ticket over the phone (at the VERY last minute might I add) and learned that I have to take a four hour traffic course to keep my insurance down. I stayed over time to try and attempt to finish my back logged work and still didn't even come close. I gave myself a migraine. I had to pay another bill. By the time I got home not only did I really not want to talk to anyone, I wanted to sit in my room alone and pout. For the rest of the night. But leave it to my loved ones to come to the rescue, even when they have no idea that they are doing it.

My Shannon decided that tonight we would be having a movie night. I recently found her a job through the employment agency I work for and we are both already worn out from work this week. So we decided that along with just enjoying each other's company, we could relax and just watch a Disney movie. These plans were made when I wasn't jaded by life, so by the time I had become completely sour I wanted so desperately to just stay home, but I couldn't day no to Shan. So after procrastinating as much as humanly possible I hopped in my car and drove to her house, armed with Aladdin and a not so great attitude. I figured I would cheer up when I got there somehow, but if I didn't she would understand.

When I got to her house I was surprised to see that Dawn was already there, another "new" fun friend in my life. They were just chillin out in her room watching youtube videos. So I just joined in. Soon I was hearing myself laugh. Cackle even. Then I felt that pain in my stomach that is only caused when you can't catch your breathe because you are laughing so hard. Tears stung my eyes. And it wasn't really anything spectacular that we were laughing at. We were all just bent over in a fit of giggles, and it was the best cure for a poor attitude ever. That and donuts. You can't forget about the donuts.

Soon there were several more people that joined us at Shannon's house... she's a popular gal and we all like to get together when we can. More of my new and favorite people came, and there were even some people there I hadn't met yet. As the group grew, so did the laughter. Soon it was way past my bedtime, and I wasn't even concerned. I was laughing. A lot. And with the people I most want to share laughter with... and I was even making more friends. I soon realized that I had been without my phone the entire night (which is a HUGE thing for me) because all of the people I would be begging my phone to tell me that they had called were already sitting next to me. For those few hours the only concern I had was making sure that I breathed in between fits of laughter.

However, at some point I had to be responsible and go home because tomorrow is a work day. After saying goodbye to everyone, I jumped in my car and began the easy drive home. While sitting there in silence I marveled at how simple it was to turn my day around. Life is too short to just get by. Each day is precious, why settle for routine? Find some way to surprise yourself. Life shouldn't just live in the middle, and every day you should find the excuse to just smile, and if at all possible share that smile with someone else.

I've Got The Joy

So last night after spilling my proverbial guts out onto this blog in the most thoughtful way I know how, I felt a peace that has eluded me for quite some time. I am really a huge fan of peace, in really every setting that it can make an appearance. I like peaceful nights at home alone, I like peaceful conversations, I like peaceful politics and peaceful hearts. However, I think often time that peace can be confused with contentment, and contentment is often misconstrude as complacent. I never want to make such a vital mistake. To be content in the sense that I see it, is to give up and almost quit. I never want to feel that I have it all and can slow up. That's the day I know that I need to start over.

So I felt this peace. And of course it wasn't enough to just feel the peace, I had to understand it. So I took out my stethescope and blood pressure cuff and began taking the vital signs of my emotional state. As I began asking questions I shocked myself with several of the answers I found. I began to realize just how deep this river has flown.

I have been uneasy for quite some time about several of my major life choices. There comes a time in each and every one of our lives when we find ourselves getting ready to tackle a day in this life that we created and we catch ourselves looking at our reflection a second too long. We see a shadow fall across our eyes that the florecent beams in the bathroom could not have created, and we entertain the fleetin thought of "is what I'm doing enough?" I often wonder this. Am I doing enough? And then I do the worst possible thing I could do. I compare. But the best part is I don't compare myself to someone else. I compare myself to myself. I begin to think "am I as valuable as I was when I was at school or when I lived out of town? Have a settled by coming back here? Am I enough?" And then I throw a metaphorical martini in my face to jump back to reality and keep going with my day.

I know this is a jump but it will come full circle. I am a facebook junkie. I think my favorite part of it is getting tagged in pictures. Well I have been getting tagged in bountiful images recently due to Beehive and now that it's over, it is so comforting to see the images that were taken in the moment. In each frame without fail, I have been shocked by my apperance. My smile is so real in every single picture. Every single one. This goes from promotional pictures for the press, to the silly picture of Megan and I in our wig caps before the show. And it's not just happy. It's joy. And I have always been told by my wise mother that happy is a feeling. Joy is a lifestyle. I have found joy again.

So as I was taking count of my new discoveries I began to smile at myself. I have been living what I have been preaching to so many of my friends that are also watching themselves shape shift in the mirror. Everything I have done until this moment has made me who I am. And not a moment too soon. Now is always on time, and I am precicely on time to be who I am destined to be. And this goes for everything. From my day job, to my show schedules, to my family, to my car situation, to the possibility of moving out, to whom I choose to go on dates with, to who chooses to ask me out on more than one date. It's all fine. I am not in control, even though I want so desperatly to be. The first step is admitting the problem, and letting go. The second is grabbing onto something else. Well I have a grip on joy. I've got the Joy joy joy joy down in my heart. Down in my heart. Down in my heart to stay.

Saved By The Bell

Words are a freeing thing. At least for me they are. Especially when you can write them down. There is something about seeing exactly what you are thinking being typed out in front of you. It makes my thoughts real ya know? They may mean something to me, but they can't have any impact until I get them out of my head and into the world. That is certainly something I need to work on. Getting out of my own head. It's not only important to do for Courtney the actor, but its necessary for Courtney the person. I think the thing I need to wrap my head around and prioritize and maybe sift through better are the words of others. Which ones are important and which ones are true and which ones are necessary and which ones are meaningless? If you have the answer please... let me know. I'm tired of looking!

I am an analyzer, which I find rather amusing. For some absurd reason I must know everything about meaning and tone or I drive myself mad trying to figure it out. I become this obsessive little detective that isn't properly trained in the slightest and try and figure out what every little detail means. I not only drive myself crazy, but I become an annoyance to EVERYONE I can possibly get to talk to me about the situation. I become the energizer bunny. I don't quit. And the funny thing is, I have never, not once, figured any of it out.

I started this insane process tonight. I saw something in print that I didn't really care for that included me, and I began the ridiculous cycle of turning into Harriet the Spy. I whipped out my over sized magnifying glass ignoring the fact that I am an armature. I began to worry, fret, and even sweat over something that most likely (and always usually does when I go into this sort of tirade) means less than absolutely nothing. I then began phase two of blowing it WAY out of proportion. I began to see these words as another language and started interpreting them into what I think is universal English when really its the exclusive "Courtney is silly" speak. I began to postulate that something terrible had been unearthed about me and that somehow some intimate detail of my life had been discovered and that now this person could possibly hold the key to my undoing. Hi. My name is Courtney and I really hope that I am not the only one that does this. In the likely event that I am, I would like to take out the custom made shade of humiliation and color my entire being with it. If not, well. This sucks right?

So this went on for... well... too long. I ranted to a friend about it. Felt a touch better. Then, while sitting at my computer staring at my news feed on facebook... someone held a mirror up to my face. A piece of my past, made themselves apart of my today, and just at the right time. An old middle school friend of mine had found me on facebook... on of those friends you share secrets with and inside jokes with and just get to be a kid with. Well somehow she had heard about what I have been doing with my life and in the midst of her post to me she said "are you living those dreams you've always had?! I'm so happy and proud of you! You always were so talented!" Well... color me humbled. It wasn't what she said about me being talented or anything like that that brought me back to sanity... it was the fact that I looked at myself in the mirror she just held up to me, and I saw that I had placed myself back in middle school. Who cares if even the very worst possible scenario that I could think up IS true. I have had these dreams of mine for a very long time, that much is clear. They are the very first thing that are mentioned by a friend I haven't seen in YEARS. There have been scenes that actually played out that I made it through just fine, so why can't I get passed these imaginary ones? I need to take pride in the grown up that I am becoming, and leave my over sized magnifying glass to the next middle schooler that comes along. Words are such a freeing thing. They allow you to look at yourself in the mirror, hear the bell, pack up your bags and get back to life.

I Love You. You Love Me.

There are a lot of things I don't understand. I don't understand why I had to learn algebra in high school under the pretense I would use it in my adult life. I don't understand why almost everything that tastes good, makes you fat. I don't understand why it's so easy to make your house dirty, yet so hard to make it clean. I most certainly don't understand why money is the object of most people's affection. I don't understand why selfishness is an acceptable trait in people. But the one thing that I really don't understand is love.

Love is a four letter word. It means so many different things that sometimes it doesn't mean anything at all. It's easy to say I love ice cream or I love that movie or when someone is talking about a friend they can say "oh I just love them" but when it's time to actually fill that word with power again, you go blank. You develop a catch in your throat. Your stomach begins to gurgle and you hope you don't throw up. Your palms start to sweat. You're eyes turn into slits and you begin formulating your escape route. And if by some act of God you can manage to get the "I" out of your now closed throat, you find some other phrase to follow it other than "Love you". Maybe you manage something like, "I need to go to the bathroom" or "I think you look beautiful tonight". And the even braver who can choke out that four letter word follow it with "this song" or "that dress". Anything to avoid telling someone you love them, and actually meaning it.

The reason I am suddenly on the subject of love is not my fault. I claim the childish excuse of "the media drove me to it". We are but two days away from the Hallmark holiday of Valentines day, and I've become cynical. To make myself feel better I have conned my baby brother into being my Valentine after he told me no the first three times. I finally wore him down with the bribe of a tootsie pop, but by then I just felt silly. So I started to wonder... why is love so tricky?

Dating is like this really awkward dance. The tempo is always changing and you don't always know what to do with yourself and your partner isn't always moving in the same direction as you. I know what love feels like, but I've always been afraid to actually say it. It's a rare moment that I am at a loss for words, but when that feeling creeps up on me and renders me an idiot for a moment, I crack under the pressure. I try and show it with my actions without actually having to say it, hoping that they will figure it out on their own. Well, that obviously hasn't worked, but at least I am learning.

I am surrounded by this four letter word every day. I think what makes it so complex is that it is a noun and a verb. It's a feeling and an action. It is a lifestyle. My grandparents just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. My aunt is getting married next month to the love of her life. My parents have been together for ages and love each other more today than they did yesterday. And all of these people love me. And I love them. I have a best friend that tells me everyday he loves me, saying things like "You carry a lot of my love in you" to help me get through the hard times. I call him for no reason and sing the barney I love you song on his voicemail. Love is reserved for the ones that deserve it. It's the search for those candidates that make it the hardest. I have loved people that didn't deserve it, and treated it like it was nothing. Love is certainly not nothing, and it's sad that some people believe that it is. Loving another person is the bravest thing that any one person could ever do.

So I guess what I am getting at is that if you are blessed enough to know what love feels like, don't be afraid of it. Talk about it as much as you possibly can. Scream it if you have to. This is one four letter word that you don't have to spell out in front of the kids. Certainly don't cheapen it by only celebrating it one bogus holiday a year. Be secure enough in yourself to sing about it, even if it's off key. I love you. You love me. We're a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won't you say you love me to. See. It's that simple.

Line?!

I don't like lines. Any of them. I don't like to color inside them, wait in them, read between them, memorize them, or get hit on with them. Well I wouldn't mind the getting hit on with them one as much but you get my point. I feel like recently that's all there has been. Lines. Lines that I need to memorize for my next show. Lines I have to wait in to get seen at the doctors office. The lines I have to hear people give me that they think will make me feel better but in truth it only makes you look silly for not telling the truth, and the lines that I have to read between to understand what all of it means.

The last couple weeks have been rough. It's not so much that things were bad, even though some people might say they were, it was more that I was annoyed and discouraged. It's no secret that I have some issues with my health that creep up from time to time without my permission and usually at the worst time. It's like when your stomach growls really loud at a funeral. That's how I feel about my health sometimes. It growls at the worst possible moment and people stop to stare.

I was having a really rough time getting over a case of strep throat, so I frequented the doctor's office pretty regularly over the past three weeks. Doctor speak is always hard but when everyone is trying to be the hero and fix the unfixable, lines start to get crossed. It was a very hard thing for me to fight with them for the care I thought I needed seeing as they have the degree and I don't, but I'm the one that lives in this body, not them.

After many hours spread throughout the last several weeks of just battle after battle and hearing line after line I was discussing my care with one of the many nurses I had seen over the course of time. I was ready for her to hand me yet another line when she took my hand and said "You know what young lady, I admire you for fighting for yourself. I don't know many people who would to that." I kinda looked around the room for a second and realized that this complete stranger who had absolutely no obligation to encourage me had not fed me a line. My tear ducts of steel were momentarily breached, and I sent a little thank you up to God for the unexpected kindness.

As always, I have bounced back to normal, or whatever my normal is and things are just as they were. I take that back. They aren't the same, because with every situation you change, so things are what they should be for now. During this time, I have learned that you shouldn't really focus on your limitations, the lines you can't cross but rather at what God has given me that's in between. To see just how lucky I am, and just how much life I've been given the chance to live. Sure limitations are hard, especially when they taunt you, but in fact those lines make up the person that you are. It gives you shape and character and that special something that makes you the only you there will ever be. So I guess lines aren't all that bad after all.

Fingerprints

My brain won't shut up. Seriously. And it's not like there is just one train of thought that my mind keeps going on and re-working to try and find a different solution to. It's like my brain is Grand Central Station, and there are tons of trains all leaving at once, and since I am not run by lots of very intelligent people and am flying solo, I'm not able to keep track of all the trains leaving the station. It's basically a free for all. Thoughts are coming and going just as they please. I'm starting to feel like a spectator in this new sport I have stumbled upon except I'm still unsure of all the rules. As the saying goes if you can't beat them, join them, so that is exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to make the rules.

I am experiencing some growing pains. I have felt some here and there recently, but have taken some metaphorical Tylenol in hopes that they would just get better an leave me alone. Well now it seems that they are collectively rioting to get my attention. Well OK aches and pains of life, I see you, but that doesn't mean that you win. Yet.

The funniest thing that I find about these annoying growing pains is that none of them are bad, they actually all collectively point to a greater good, to a girl more successful than you would think for her age, and honestly I think I am scared of that. I have to opportunity to excel at a lot of different things, and in the madness of it all I think I have forgotten that I am allowed to be a little bit afraid of who I have the potential to be.

I don't like telling people how old I am. For whatever reason, life crept up on me faster than it did for others, and I learned some very hard, very real yet very simple lessons very early on in my teenage years. Life is what you make it, and this life is so extremely precious. There isn't a day that should go by when you shouldn't fight tooth and nail to get absolutely everything you can out of every single day, because unlike little orphan Annie, I don't always count on tomorrow. In the midst of coming to grips with all of this in my late teens, I think I got the free gift with purchase by promising myself I would be somebody today, not wait until I was the proper age for someone to believe I was the someone I said I was. While I do believe that I have achieved a menial amount of success with many new open doors, I think I have forgotten that it is OK to be daunted by the future you want. It' s OK for a second to be afraid of who you have the potential to be.

I have accepted a lot on my plate and all of it is wonderful, but I find myself being more hesitant than normal. I finally think now that it's because I don't want to fail at any of it. But honestly, who determines failure or success? Is there some sort of handbook that I haven't read that shows the qualifications for failure and success? What I deem as failure may be seen as a win to someone else. Life is about perspective, not rules and regulations. There is no such thing as win or lose, it truly is all about how you play the game.

There are many things about life that are unclear. How do you open yourself up to someone and let them really see who you are, instead of pushing them to see what you want them to see. We can't control someone else's perspective, so we try and sweeten the deal by manipulations and re directions. It's hard to be an open book, even when that's all we want to be. We become so aware of the fact that someone may not like what they see, that we try and manipulate just what they see. At least I do. I am not innocent of playing the game of I'll show you what you want to see, instead of let me show you who I am, but I don't really think that many of us are.

I guess what I am trying to say in too many words is that it's all OK. It's OK to be afraid, to take a break, to re-evaluate, to take a second and re-work what you think you are doing. All that I know is, I love that I have been given the chance to be Courtney Whittamore, which includes having lots of opinions and lots of questions and not very many answers. Life is more about the questions anyway, cause if we knew it all, where would the adventure be? I want to have it all, and then some. Just like everyone else I want to be king of the world in my own way... someday. Today I am happy to be sitting on my bed, knowing tomorrow I get to go to work, then to learn, then to better myself, then to be with the ones I love. And then the next day I get to do a variation of the same. And that everyday, I get to create something that only I have the chance to create. And that someday, someone will look back on this life of mine and think that they wouldn't have been the same without my fingerprint on the world. That's all I want. To leave my fingerprint on the world.

When One Door Closes...

Well, the last few days have been quite annoying, yet really positive. I know that sounds convoluted, so let me further explain.

Thereasa is rude. Thereasa is my car and she is very rude. On my way to work yesterday, she pitched a fit. It was about 3:45 in the afternoon, I had just stopped to grab some Chick-fil-a sweet tea and waffle fries, comfort food for any southern lady who wishes she was from the city and she just had enough. I was supposed to be in Punta Gorda (for those of you unfamiliar with the area that's an hour away from where I was) by 4:30 at the latest to pick up my bosses son from work because she had an important meeting to attend to. And there I was, in the turning lane on one of the busiest streets in town with my hazards on, wincing every time someone gave me the finger as they maneuvered around me. Luckily dad wasn't too far away at work, and since he likes me a little he came to save the day. I was finally able to convince my diva of a car to start up again, and managed to get myself in a parking spot to lick my wounds and eat my waffle fries.

So needless to say I couldn't get to Punta Gorda at all let alone on time. I was so ticked off by that reality that I actually need some time to pout alone in my room like the four year old I sometimes am. I couldn't come to grips with the fact that I had been unreliable do to things out of my control. I also began to stress over the notion that my show stopping diva car is now in her 11th year, and as much as we love and hate each other, I may have to break it off and start fresh with a new diva that can get me to work on time.

Along with the frustrations of malfunctioning cars I have been dealing with a change in medical coverage, meaning I literally have to break some one's arm to get the medicine I need to be healthy. I have come to discover that the health care industry is a business just like any other, and that those technicians on the other line are working for minimum wage, and don't care about you at all. That is if you get a person at all. Most of the time it's that automated voice of a woman on Valium asking you to say certain words and never repeating them right back to you. Can you tell I have been put on hold a time or two in the past few days?

But like I said, there are good things happening too. Along with my wonderful day job at Lori Lane Personnel that allows me to be flexible as long as I keep a smile on my face and get the job done, I have been given the opportunity to study under my voice mentor to become a vocal mentor in her studio as well. I am so floored and happy that she really believes that I have come to a point where I can teach others what I LOVE to do. I have full access to observe her with her students any time my schedule permits and just absorb everything I possibly can. This is like my heaven. I love observing and taking notes and learning from watch just as much as learning from doing... just ask the cast of Hairspray :) Through this she has put me in touch with several of her students needing female vocalist for recording demos for bands and even live performances. Nothing is certain as of yet, but just having doors like that be halfway open is a really awesome thing.

It seems that life is evening itself out at the moment. For every frustration comes an opportunity. I just pray that as I follow God's will for my life, that I can do it all :)

You Can't Take It With You

I'm really glad that I threw my plan for my life out the window a long time ago. Most people would follow that sentence with "because this is so much better than anything that I could have thought up"... and while that is a beautiful sentiment that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside and that you have finally arrived somewhere, I can't honestly say that. How can I know if something is better than a scenario that I haven't experienced anywhere besides my wondering of what ifs? However, I will follow that sentence with "because I am amazed with how positive things have turned out." I almost said "amazed with where I have ended up." I even typed it out, looked at it and deleted it. twice. Because i have realized I am SO far from the end.

Since we have entered the holiday season, and in addition I am currently involved with a holiday show, my mind has been in a very thankful, holly jolly (yes that is a show title plug :)) mindset, I have actually been in the place to live in the holiday spirit, not just watch it pass me by while I keep my head down and keep to the never ending grind. This is what I have discovered. In spite of myself, my life has become something. In spite of my sometimes thoughtless and spontaneous choices, my life has continued to surprise me. I am continuously trying to follow my heart, and sometimes to others that appears flippant and flighty, but I have never been more happy that I went with my heart, as opposed to letting my analytical side take over and mandating I stay where I am and continue to convince myself that my heart is wrong.

One of the most ironic things I think I have experienced in the last year is, that while I left school, I have most certainly not stopped learning. As a matter of fact, I have been thrown into the school of life, and you can't fail at that. There are no A's or F's anymore, there's just do it, or lose your job. One of the many things I have learned is to not only keep an open mind, but to keep an open heart. I have been so incredibly blessed to have been apart of three different cast families within the last almost 7 months, and each member of all three has impacted me in several ways. Some, by expressing their dislike for me and things of that nature, have inspired me to continue to be who I am, and not try and please everyone. Not everyone is going to like you, and I think that I am one step closer to understanding that. Others by sharing a super special bond that only takes a smile to create, and only distance can dim it, simply because you have both dedicated your life to creating art. And then there are the ones that while it takes a little more than a smile, maybe it's a shared joke or a simple touching moment that you both noticed that everyone else missed which brings you together but not even distance can make you forget how it felt to be with them. Just breathing the same air with them made you feel like you wanted to be a better person. I can honestly say I have been blessed to know such people, learn from them, and better yet call them my friends.

In the last year, I have moved four times... and not just small moves, I mean cross country moves, and this is just the beginning. I have been called to a life of a gypsy, and even though it's what makes me get up in the morning, it comes with a lot of bumps. Luckily I now have a place that I can call my home base for now, and can begin to make a life for myself, but who knows where it will take me. Like I said, I threw out my plans alooooong time ago. I decided to actually live what my mom has told me since I could remember and "let go, and let God." and I have never felt so fulfilled and happy, and trust me, not everything that happened or will happen has been happy. My road has been littered with let downs and hardships and goodbyes and health malfunctions and many other such things, but those are the things that make me who I am, not the happy time things. I may not be able to take everything with me, but I can keep the love that I have been shown, the lessons I have learned, the memories that we share, and the never ending song in my heart that will keep me going until I can't go anymore. My song is my life, and for all of those that have chosen and offered to harmonize with me.

All my love to the recently closed cast of Hairspray. You inspired most of this post. Much love to my Lost Colony babies and my CCM friends as well. Nothing about me is original. I am a compilation of everyone I have ever met. Thank you all so much!! Here's to many more!!! Long live the arts!! lol

Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep

So several things have happened since my last blog post. Firstly my contract has ended with The Lost Colony and I am back at home. However, seven days before my contract ended my body had decided that enough was enough and I had a nice 5 day stay at the Outer banks Hospital where I received heavy, draining, yet effective treatment for my Crohn's disease. I was released from the hospital two days before I was to move out and I was panicked. A fun fact about hospital trips is that you don't always get released when you are better, rather they discharge you when there is nothing more they can do for you and the rest is up to God. I left better than I was before, but depleted of any kind of energy source. The treatment I was given was potent, and caused my body to use any strength it had to heal itself. I was glad to be back in my own space, but I was plagued by the reality that I had four months worth of my life to pack up and I could barely stand on my own.

The power of prayer is something that I have never debated and have only been amazed by as I grow older. I called my grandparents completely broken, wishing away not only the packing process but the 4 hour drive to Raleigh by myself to pick up my dad so he could drive me the rest of the way home. Even though hundreds of miles apart they prayed over me, for someone to be kind enough to help me and that my strength would return quickly.

In enters two beautiful souls: Jimmy and Grace, two of my dear friends that I met doing the show. Jimmy is a gifted dancer and Grace can pretty much do it all. They came in just when I needed them, packed my life in my car, let me boss them around from my bed, and re-assured me that everything was going to be OK. In the end it really didn't take all that much time to do, and wasn't as big of a task as I was picturing it to be, but needless to say it was a few hours given to me as a great gift, and they know how grateful I am to them for their love and support. The drive was manageable but not desirable. Whoever designed the route from the Outer Banks to Raleigh clearly did not have Crohn's disease, for there was an hour and a half stretch without any bathrooms. I was in the middle of farm land for over 70 miles, and I was panicking all the way. Finally I reached some semblance of civilization and not too long afterwards I was driving aimlessly around the Raleigh airport unable to find the cell phone lot that was hiding from me and just parked in short term parking per my mom's advice. Dad came and found me, kicked me out of the driver's seat and set out to get me home, because that's where we both knew I needed to be.

In between uncomfortable naps I thought about my last few weeks in North Carolina. My health took a really fast downward spiral, because that's what health does sometimes, and always without your consent. Several people had things to say about it whether it was amongst themselves or directly to my face, either way alot of it got back to me. At first I was hurt that people would assume I allowed this to happen to myself, but I soon dismissed that as ignorance. Whoever thinks that someone wants to look weak and admit they have a problem they can't control is delusional. I settled on the idea that these people were not worth the time I spent thinking about their opinions, and left it at that. At least be educated when you mud sling, it's alot more attractive and much more effective.

I have been home a week now and I have been so blessed. My recovery is going well and I am so thankful for that. I have been spending time with family, and those friends you wish were family and have been so happy. My parents and grandparents have been so loving and understanding, and Amber and Jenna and Spencer (even though he is in Cinci) have been uplifting and caring in the ways that remind me why they are so important to me. I love you all.

Even though one adventure has ended, there are several more coming up for me! I have an audition with a theatre company in Naples soon that is really promising. I also am going to be teaching a master class titled "What's this Business about Show Business" on the 10th to high school students to help them be better prepared for the business side of theatre. I will be starting an office job at a temp agency helping them with marketing as well as nannying for a very sweet family. I will of course continue writing my book and sharing on here... but perhaps the biggest undertaking of them all, is that I am going to be in an upcoming production of Hairspray as the cover for Tracy with Prather Entertainment! If things go well with this show there may be other opportunities with this company that could lead to some really big things. SO EXCITING!

I may have Crohn's disease, but my God is bigger than any disease. I am going to continue to follow his will for my life and I know that I will be just fine. Actually I will be more than fine, I will be blessed, and that's exactly what it should be.

When It Rains It Pours

The last few weeks have been an interesting stretch. It's hot. And I mean really hot. And the fact that we wear wool clothing and layers of it in the heat doesn't make anyone any happier. We also are getting teased by the weather. One second its scorching hot and then you blink and it's hailing. We are tired. And when people get tired it's a known fact that sooner or later they get cranky. I think we bypassed cranky and went straight to grumpy and some even angry. We need space... but somehow space is the one commodity that seems to be evading us. Something we all see as a necessity has shomehow become a privalage that non of us are elevated enough to achieve. So instead we brood. Or, in my case... just stay quiet.

We had a really bad storm the other night. In hindsight I know that many people have different opinions of what the storm actually was, but if we are all honest in the midst of it, we all knew it wasn't right. There were three different storms surrounding the theatre, and each one of them was displaying their power, warning us not to contend with it. Lightning and heavy winds were the main event, and I was nervous. In talking to cast mates about it in short hurried whispers backstage I admited my anxiety, adding that I see storms all the time as I am a Florda girl through and through, and the fact that I was hesitant made my anxiety mount even further. It even got to the point where people became scared onstage. The lighting loomed directly overhead and I think we all went into hyper drive. For some people that meant speeding up... for others it meant crying. For me... it meant holding on for dear life to however happened to be near and slilently praying that it would all be over soon.

In the end the right decision was made. When the "due to incliment weather" announcement was made I don't think I could have been more relieved. I quickly grabbed my things, got out of costume and went home with my roomie to hide under the covers and block out the night that just wouldn't go away. Funny thing is, is that I thought all the opinions and harsh tones and words would have gotten out of the way at the theatre, but it turns out I was far from accurate on that one. People quickly began to unleash their frustrations, and unfortunalty on each other. It happened, it's over, and we have hopefully moved on. However, reading and hearing some of these things made me realize just how close the end of all of this really is.

We have around 20 performances left. That means I have roughly less than a month here in North Carolina. I remember before I got here how nervous I was, when I was finally here how excited I was, when I was settled in how content I was, and now that it's nearing the end how ready I am to move on. I am resolved with the fact that this will end. I will go to my next contract and experience things there just like I have here, some wonderful, and some unneccesary. I have met people here who I can honestly say that I love, and some who I probably won't speak to again after this because that's just the way life it, and that's ok. I am honored to be apart of this family, but I still recognize that things change, and I'm not going to waste opportunites by refusing to change with time.

As I get ready to leave for the theatre for my 50 something show, Im blessed to know I have a job to go to, and one that I love doing.It most certainly has its bumps, but what doesn't? I will give it everything I have until its time to pack my things and move on. Merde, and break legs to all of the cast and crew! Here we go!

Hello Again

Well hey!! I am so so SO happy to finally be able to write to you again! I hope you haven't lost interest in my little life, but I am back now :) Me and my roomie who I ADORE have found a way to catch some Internet, so I should be able to write as much as I want!! YAY!

So to catch up, I obviously made it here safely.. praise the Lord! Dad drove most of the way but the last few hours I was left to my own devices which included lots of caffeine, my GPS, and yes even a minor fender bender... I mean I have to keep things lively!

The first week I was here was wonderful. The company hadn't arrived yet so The Grove (slang for Morrison Grove where ALL of the company lives.. yeah crazy...) was completely empty, accept for a dear friend of mine that actually told me about the job. We had stayed in contact from the last gig we did together, but had actually not seen each other in over 2 years. It was nice to get to know each other again, and at the same time was very eye opening. Me and my rose colored glasses tend to like to keep people in time capsule, but that just isn't the case in the real world. People change, including myself, however that does not mean that I always recognize it.

Soon enough the first week of settling in and getting acclimated to my new life here was over, and my roomie arrived. Oddly enough, Sarah and I had met at the local auditions in the ladies room, where I am now convinced all good friendships start. After a few pleasantries we decided that we were going to be audition buddies, meaning that we wouldn't leave each other throughout the day. For those of you not in the business, auditions breed strange situations, because auditions themselves are anything but normal. You are selling your package to important people in a glimpse of time, and hoping that you are what they are looking for. This is so stressful that you immediately bond with those who are standing next to you doing the same thing. Well as life would have it we went our separate ways after the process and went on with our lives. I didn't even know she had gotten the job until we received our housing assignments and I was stalking my room mates. We got in touch and decided to share a room, seeing as there are two other ladies that share our place with us. It was the best decision I have ever made. She is not only a wonderful room mate, but a beautiful person and a priceless friend. I wouldn't be able to do this without her, and I am so glad she is here. I LOVE YOU!!

The first three weeks after the contract started, I'm not gonna lie, were obnoxious. 9am work calls which were over at 5pm, the bled into rehearsal that finished at 11pm. It was an efficient way to get such a massive show up in three weeks, however it nearly kills you. I didn't know coming into this how big of a show this was, but it truly is a massive undertaking. With costumes by William Ivy long and a script by Pulitzer prize winning Paul Green I should have known better, but during the run down of the show I was blown away. We have live gunshots, fireworks, fire, huge set changes, costumes that cost more than cars, a house that seats 1,500 that is filled at least half most nights, but still that isn't the most important thing. Each person Character in this show existed, and went through something like what we are portraying.

I am so blessed to be doing a show that means so much to so many people! It is only the beginning of the run, yet I still know that this will change my life, because I can already see that the change has begun. Not only has the show itself started this process, but its also the new family of actors and dreamers and lovers that have given me this gift. When our executive producer Carl Curnutte first addressed this year's cast, he told us that this summer would change our lives. He is so right. I have found a new home that my broken little heart can mend itself in. There was one night here, where all the alumni gathered together to initiate those of us who are new, and it changed my life forever. Ken Clifton, the musical director of the show and now one of my dear friends said a few words that summed up what this time means. He was explaining how in portraying the Colony of people that came before us, we ourselves have become our own colony of people, who are striving and working towards a momentous goal. "We have gotten ourselves into more than we expected, but became more than we ever expected to be."

See What I Wanna See

I recently had to get glasses.To my dismay my perfect eyesight of 20/15 has dwindled but not too drastically. However when driving, I have a hard time seeing the road signs until I am right on top of them. Not being the most skilled driver of them all... OK I'm terrible.. but knowing this of myself I decided to do what I could to preserve the safety of myself and of those who have the misfortune of sharing the road with me. Surprisingly I like wearing glasses. It may be because I don't have to wear them all the time, but I now use them as somewhat of an accessory. They make me look smart, and anything that can aid in the outward hinting at my intelligence I am all for. However, the thing I like most about them is that they draw your eyes toward mine, which I consider my best feature. Green eyes are rare, so I want to flaunt them, but more than that, you can see my heart through them.

My friends and family tease me from time to time about the things I do. I am a unique person with funny quirks. I name everything, and have from the time I was a little girl. Last night while spending the night at my grandparent's house, I asked my Poppy the first thing he remembered me nicknaming. Pondered it for a moment, and then told me that it was his big blue farming tractor, aptly named "Blue Box Blue" after my favorite lunchtime meal, Kraft Mac and Cheese. However he quickly let me know that I was nick naming people far before I had moved onto things. As I thought about it, it was true. All the members of my family are called something different than anything I have ever heard in any other family, but that was just the way I saw them. For instance, My uncle is Bubby instead of his name proceeded by Uncle, and my Aunt is Appy instead of her name proceeded by Aunt.

This however is not the only thing the poke at me about. I can't keep my emotion off of my face. I do not subscribe to the famous words of Lady Gaga's hit which claim that you "can't read me poker face." I couldn't fake someone out even if I were trying. I have never been able to lie, nor have I been able to be conspicuous about my real thoughts toward any situation. Now I know that your immediate response is going to be "You're lying right now! You are an actor! You lie all the time!" If only I had a nickle for every time someone said that to me, I would throw it back at you and aim for your eye. First off, lying is not acting, nor is acting lying. If you are truly an actor, you are truly feeling the emotions in the context of the play, you just happen to be saying words that are pre written for you. You aren't pretending to feel. You are feeling. So it is possible to find a terrible liar and a working actor all contained in the same skin. In fact, you are reading about one. :)

While my face is expressive, it takes all cues from my eyes. Eyes are funny things. They can well up with physical tears and inanimate emotion. Many people say that the eyes are the window to the soul. While that may be true some of the time, a lot of the time con men and women use their eyes as their most effective tool to manipulate your soul. Such a situation presented itself in last nights episode of The Mentalist. A man was using the ever present power of they eye's ability to connect souls together to his mischievous gain. The detective responded to his feel good babble with "My eyes are not windows, doors or even keys for that matter. I use my eyes to see." While this caught my attention, and even prompted me to write it down on a loose envelope sitting on the end table next to me at the Creek House (my nick name for my grandparent's house since 1995) it didn't make me think about anything in particular. I wasn't until later when we were watching Driving Miss Daisy and I heard this, did I really begin to think. "How do you know how I can see unless you look though my eyes?"

I see things the way I want to. Call me a child, or a fool, but I look at the world though rose colored glasses sometimes. Now this doesn't mean that I am irresponsible and am oblivious to all reality, for that is the farthest thing from the truth. I am aware of what it costs to live and it costs more than money. I know what it is to push on even when you can't anymore. Sometime I lose my rose colored glasses, and the world is all black and white, facts and figures. However, when those rare moments come when I can put them on and still responsibly do what I do, you bet I'm gonna. So I am going to keep naming the things I love, leaving my poker face for someone else, and seeing what I want to see.

Just a Day, Just an Ordinary Day

You know those days where you wake up and you just want to roll back over because you know nothing special is going to happen that day? Well that's me. Today and yesterday there has been nothing that I have been excited about. I have barely been motivated to get out of my PJ's, but as it is frowned upon to run errands in flannel sheep pants I have been forced to put on real clothes. On top of my un-eventful days, I feel terrible. I have pink eye in both eyes, which makes sleeping the day away that much more appealing, so that my eyes won't hurt. I also had a check up at the doctor's where they mashed all over my stomach. Rafael (my colon) was not at all pleased by the unwanted tampering and has decided to be rude today. And so it goes...

The past day and a half have been pretty routine. Had a few errands to run so I can wrap things up down here before my job in North Carolina. My car Theresa (For those of you who don't know me I name EVERYTHING) has been acting up YET AGAIN so she was getting fixed yesterday. It's starting to become a mad dash to the finish line, and the mundane things that I continue to put off are creeping up on me, and taunting me to get them finished. This is nothing new. Every time a go from one place to the next these little tasks gang up on me and become one giant one, daring me to continue to put it off.

Thus, I have been doing the mundane things of life. Running from here to there picking things up and dropping things off. It's the kind of things that are important until they are done, then after their completion they become obsolete. I prefer to spend my time doing things that make a difference after I have finished them, but being a big girl now I have to do things that I don't particularly want to do. No more sitting in a corner and hoping that it will resolve itself. Mom always encourages me by telling me that the small things I don't particularly care for are the things that get me to where I need to be. Just because she is right doesn't mean that I like it thus the vicious cycle continues.

I also have been trying to see the few people I stay in constant touch with before I leave. I saw my dad's half of the family on Sunday at the couple's extravaganza, and I plan to see Ambie sometime this week. Another good friend of mine caught me in a moment of weakness yesterday and I agreed to go hand out with her for a bit. What was supposed to be just a relaxing stop to chat quickly turned into a trek all across fort Myers. Which included meeting her new boyfriend. He is a nice guy that I had actually known through my first boyfriend. I don't even know if the real world would count him as a boyfriend because we were so young, but it Courtney Ville, that's how the story goes.

I actually had a good time. It was nice to see my friend, and I even had a good time with her new man friend. I have no problem putting up with people, making small talk, or easing awkward conversations, but I didn't have to do any of that which was nice. Even though I was a third wheel I didn't feel like it, which is a feat.

Because I have been feeling under the weather I have been watching a lot of mindless TV. Not even good mindless TV. Crap really. However, in all of it I was able to see a common thread. Everyone is trying to fill a void. On true life: I hate my face, two girls hated their self image so much that they had to continuously exploit their bodies to distract from their face. On even said "I don't know what to do. My body is all I have." This broke my heart!! What is the world coming to when a perfectly pretty girl ignores the fact that she has a mind and intelligence in her back pocket and relies solely on her body. She was filling her need for acceptance by demeaning herself to the point where someone would look her way. Also there was an older woman that was a hoarder. She lived in a five bedroom house, however was only able to live in one of them, because all of the others were packed from floor to ceiling with meaningless junk. To the average viewer, it was all trash, but to this woman, there was meaning behind every piece that occupied her home. She was filling her need for security by having tons of stuff. Even the people I ran into in the stores and the doctor's office, they were all there looking for something to fill a need. Whether it be a medication to make them feel better about themselves, or a new dress to impress someone else. We are all in search of something. Always. We always have to have somewhere to go, or somewhere to be or someone to become. Even the little errands that we have to do contribute to a need of some kind. I wish for that one day we could all just be content. That we could stop striving for the next thing, and live in the one we have. Just for a day. An Ordinary Day.

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. ~Albert Einstein

Nothing to Fear, but Fear Itself

Looking back on some of my posts, I realized something. Recently I have been demonstrating characteristics of a scaredy cat. Now, I really hate cats, and I hate being scared even more, so looking back on the over flow of my heart, it was slightly shocking to see that I had been implying hints of fear. In most respects, my actions have demonstrated just the very opposite of fear. I have ventured out on a path that most will, and actually have called foolish. I have my sights aimed high, so high in fact, that without my faith would be too high. However I have found solace and peace in my choices. Call me a fool, but you are only insulting the one who called me to step out in faith.

However, although my actions may be bold, my spirit has slipped into a bit of timidity. I am becoming aware of my wisdom in certain areas, and my innocents in others, and let me tell you, I make for an odd concoction. I am firm in the big things, yet unsteady in the trivial. I am stunned in my fearlessness to go, yet my anxiety to stay. I find that I am weird... which isn't a surprise to anyone else but myself.

Out of coincidence, or maybe not so but to me it is, Mom had checked out Max Lucado's new book Fearless. Max Lucado is without contest my favorite christian author, so of COURSE I had to snag it and read it before I left. He speaks the way my heart thinks, and keeps me focused right where he needs to be. At first I thought that I would breeze through this book without feeling convicted of any certain circumstance within its pages, because it was encouraging others to find boldness. I thought to myself "I am a free spirit, I come an go to where the work takes me, and jump at new opportunities. I am bold enough already." Soon though I noticed that I had earmarked several pages with points that touched my heart and made me say to myself "Self, this one is for you."

I have recently become very comfortable where I am. I am home, surrounded by those I love, recovering from being bombarded in every way a person can be beaten up. From broken hearts, to shifted dreams things have just been rapidly changing, and for a while I just needed a place to take cover for a time. It has been the first time in a long time that I have been comfortable here. From the time I entered my teens, I can remember fighting tooth and nail to get out of here. Funny how the tables have turned, because now that I have no problem staying, I have to go. Now I am not saying that I'm not ECSTATIC about North Carolina, because I most certainly am, but this sense of contentment in the place is foreign to me.

In the book, there is a section where Lucado is discussing the story of Jarius, the man who came to Jesus to heal his daughter. When Jesus makes it to the house, the little girl was already pronounced dead; they had arrived too late. However, Jesus said to them, she is not dead, she is only sleeping, the proceeded to enter the house and "Took her by the hand and called saying, 'Little girl, arise'. Then her spirit returned, and she rose immediately. I know that this isn't meant to be interpreted metaphorically for it really happened, but to me it took on a symbolic meaning. My my made the connection on its own to another verse in Deuteronomy which says "Rise up and journey on, for you have been here long enough."

This got my minds wheels turning. I felt that that little girl was me when I was in circumstances that I shouldn't have been in. When I prayed long and hard about if I should go or if I should stay it was as if God was saying to me 'Little girl, arise' Since my departure my spirit had been revived and so has my confidence, but I have been complacent with it. Not only do I feel that I am to 'Rise up and journey on' from my home, but I am to move on from the hurt, and the pain and the worry I have been tossing to the side as if it didn't exist. I need to walk away, not let it sit beside me while I pretend to ignore it.

This is scary. While I am confident, my nerves still exist in the dark of night. However, I know realize that my "bold enough" isn't good enough, and I need to buckle my seat belt, because fear has another thing coming.

The reason we are told to fear nothing but fear itself is not because it is a good contender, but because it has the capability to appear bigger that what it is. It's as if we are looking at it though the side mirror of a car. Fear allows you to distort itself to its advantage, and we become the casualty. Curious about the entire address that FDR gave at his inauguration, I looked it up. I had always thought that the famous line was the conclusion to the speech, but I was quickly corrected when I saw that it was one of the very first sentences that he spoke as President, which made them even more radical in my heart than they were before. "This is preeminently the time to speak the truth, the whole truth, frankly and boldly. Nor need we shrink from honestly facing conditions in our country today. This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

Just a sensible break down... and other things

Today was one of those days when you look back on all the advice that you have given to others in such confidence, and realize you should heed it yourself. Here I have been talking about not worrying, yet today I let it get the best of me. Certain circumstances arose today that I don't want to discuss on here as they are too detailed, but just know that even in their specificity they are rooted in the general worry for survival... You know, grown up stuff.

After several phone calls today and trying to make several different attempts at possible schemes to remedy things, I began to cry. Not like the ugly cry where your face gets contorted, your breathing gets labored and your words become in-audible, just the kind of tears that make your face wet and you feel silly. In my defense, I think part of the reason the tears came was because in a violent attempt to remedy this awful sleep cycle I have been finding myself in I took an herbal sleep medication. I think it may have set my emotions on edge, because I noticed I was easily irritated and very tunnel visioned. Now that I am typing this, it may have even magnified my stress a bit, which caused the extreme emotions to make an appearance. Never the less, there I was, sitting in my Poppy's lazy boy recliner with my cell phone in my hands with tears streaming down my face.

I felt to silly and ashamed! I knew that God would take care of me, and He had even had the graciousness of showing me that through his word only a few days ago. Being the stubborn child I am however, I have just continued on my road of carrying my own burdens and suffering for it.

I now understand why the bible says that you cannot serve both God and money. It takes a lot, and I mean A LOT of energy stressing about having the money to take care of yourself. I know that there are so many people out there that have lost their jobs and have families to support as well. My heart and prayers are with you, because its driving me nuts just worrying about myself, much less a family. I cannot even fathom what that must be, and I pray to God that I never have to.

The funny thing it, most of what was causing me so much anxiety was in fact a misunderstanding. The numbers had been misconstrued and the actual amount needed was MUCH smaller than the one I had been quoted before. After a sensible talk with my mama, my Gema and Pop's I headed out to meet my Nana for some much needed retail therapy, and made out like a bandit.

When I got home I realized that the only way I could really have some peace was to go to the word. Even though I have known these verses since childhood, tonight new life was breathed into them, and they became a blanket on comfort that I could hide under for a bit.

"Do not fear for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy one of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:1b-3a

"Keep your lives free from the love of money, and be content with what you have; for he has said "I will never leave you nor forsake you" So we can say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can anyone do to me?" Hebrews 13:5-6

"Cast all your anxiety on Him, for he cares for you. Discipline yourselves, keep alert... And after you have suffered a little while, the God of grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will restore, support, straighten, and establish himself to you." 1 Peter 5:7-10

Enough of being a nervous Nelly, on to MUCH more exciting things. In just over a week I am heading to my acting job in North Carolina!!! YAY!! Even thought it isn't my first professional gig, it is my longest which I think is pretty cool. My contract is for four months, and we do six shows a week. Depending on how casting goes I may be involved with more than one show, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. I am SO crazy excited to get started and feel so blessed to be able to do one of the things I know I was created to do. I know it's going to be a lot of hard work, but really there much out there worth while that isn't. I love working obsessively on a show and then reaping the benefits once the show is on its feet. It's one of the greatest feelings there is to know that you have the capability to touch some one's life by doing what you love.

I wish that I could tell you more about what I am going to be doing, but so far I'm kinda in the dark myself. I know all of the logistical things that I need to know in order to survive there and have a brief over view of what I signed my life away to, but other that that I am amiss. I think it's part of the atmosphere of the company though. Some are like that. They want to play everything closer to the chest. That's actually the way I prefer it. You have to keep a little mystery right??

So that was my day. Full of girly ups and down and all arounds. Good things are just around the corner... so now that my little sensible break down is out of the way, we can move onto better and brighter things :)

Do Not Worry?? Oh... Ok I guess...

Lately, specifically today, I have been doing one of the very things that I strive not to do. Worry. Since I have recently become a big girl, I am now greeted by big girl choices. No more are the days of learning how to tie my shoes or having mommy wake me up in the morning with fresh baked cinnamon roles and a fond farewell off to school. Ok maybe my mommy still wakes me up from time to time but that's not the point. The point is that I willingly stepped outside of the wonderful umbrella you can stay under as a student and charged out so I could be independent. Key word being willing. WILLINGLY I jumped out from under my parents support, and happily so. Now I'm not saying that I regret my decision to no longer be a student, that's the last thing I want you to think. I have never been happier about where my life is and the possibility of where it's headed. However I am second guessing the whole grown up thing. In my head I am perpetually twelve years old, sitting in my room in my PJ's surrounded by coloring books filled with Disney princesses and watching the pixar movie cars. For me that's an ideal day. Not going to work at a nine to five, sitting in a cubicle and having someone else determine that my time is worth nine dollars an hour. Lucky for me it hasn't come to that, and I have been fortunate to have great jobs with great people that I enjoy going to every day. However, just because I am fond of my jobs, does not mean that I am fond of the idea that I am old enough to have one. And so the vicious cycle continues...

I think this all began when I started looking at my bank account... scary business I know, but it has to be done. While I have been home for the time in between when I left school and the start of my acting contract in North Carolina (which starts in a 2ish weeks. YES!!! more to come on that.) I have been doing all the work that has come my way. My dad (hey daddy, love you) set me up with a wonderful temp agency, which was the biggest help in the world. From that I worked a legit job at a chocolate factory (call me Lucy y'all) for about a week and got a pretty good sum of money after that. I have also been nannying for the owner of the temp agency every Saturday which has also really helped. Every few days I waffle in between the notion that I have enough money and I will be fine, to I am never going to survive and I will run out of money the first week I am in NC. We don't get our paychecks until about the 3rd week of employment, and while that's fair, its a huge source of anxiety for me, and I struggle with that from time to time.

Noticing my funk, my mom alerted me that my babies were singing in church tonight, and that I should come. Grateful for the distraction I got ready, and headed out to watch the kids do the one thing I love. Sing. When I got there I saw that my Pop's, Pawpa, and Nana were there, which made me even happier that I had ventured out of the house. Soon My little ones were on stage, and I was shocked by the joy that overflowed out of my heart. My little brother was on the back row, smiling, singing and waving simultaneously while my normally hyper active sister did the motions perfectly and sang every word on cue. I soon noticed that I was smiling so big that my cheeks were cramping up. It was the best thing I have been apart of in such a long time, and I am soooo glad that I went. Before they exited the stage my brother looked at me, puckered his lips, and mouthed I love you straight to me before he walked off stage. My heart literally melted. I will hold that in my heart forever.

Per usual the message followed the singing, and I sat beside my Pop's and listened to the sermon. To be transparent, my mind drifted back to my worries, and soon I was trapped in the vortex once more of anxiety and pressure. However, halfway through the sermon, Pastor Russel mentioned that God rules the nations, yet feeds the birds, and it's all the same to him. In the scheme of eternity, size doesn't matter, and nations and birds become just about the same size. Knowing my scripture, I knew that he was referencing Matthew 6, the chapter that commands of us not to worry. Knowing in my spirit that this reference was meant for me, I looked up the reference as soon as I came home.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns,(or in my case banks) and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about your clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after these things, and your heavenly father knows you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own."

Well. Hey there. That hit my right where I thought I needed it, and even harder where I thought I didn't. I worry about what I wear, my body image, where my next paycheck is coming from... and it's all new to me. Sure I had worried about things before, like my health and where the next treatment was coming from and things like that, but that is a different kind of worry. In those circumstances I felt that there were no choices, and I had to just keep going no matter the cost. The funny thing is I realize now, that my current worries are identical to the worries I had faced before. I just have to keep moving no matter the cost. It's just like Pastor said tonight, size doesn't matter when looking through the eyes of Christ. My worries are all of the same value to Him. So I am just going to keep tying my shoes and counting to ten and coloring my way through. By no means am I not going to push forward, but I am only going to push as far as my means allow, and the rest... well.. that's up to Daddy.