Monday, November 7, 2011
Once upon a time, in a not so far away land, there lived a little girl playing dress up in a grown woman's wardrobe. She wasn't a long lost princess, nor was she trapped in a tower. She was a long long lost believer trapped by the what ifs of life. Instead of singing songs and believing that her handsome prince would someday soon just show up simply because she believed he would, she got lost in the motions of life and long ago for went any premonition that a handsome prince even existed, much less would show up on her door step. The idea of needing to be saved was abhorred by this modern day girl, because she believed that she could save herself. So each day she awoke in her little home and got ready for a life that maybe in fact she really wasn't quite ready for to begin with. She put on her makeup, what little she wore with the dexterity of a woman, but somehow the eyes that she lined with ease were the opening to the soul of a little girl that so desperately wanted to believe that someday, just maybe, she would see that fairy tales really do come true.
Everyone says that when the big moments of life happen that "you just know." Well I think that this is the biggest pile of lies ever. You never "just know." anything. I think people say this because they in fact, don't know and are terrified to admit it. That when they lie awake at night and are left with too much time to think, that those little minions of doubt start to creep up and whisper in their ear. They serenade you with all the little notions you have dared never to think for fear they may actually point to the biggest truth of all. That you don't know without a shadow of a doubt that you made the right choice. Something that I am learning everyday is that not only is it OK not to know, I think it's the most honest thing that a person can admit. That they aren't sure of everything. That while they know they feel overwhelming love for another, that we never really knew what happily ever after entails.
I am still a little girl in every way shape or form when it comes to relationships. I am still searching for the correct shades of love and the proper sizes and shapes of the roles that others play in this life of mine. In all the fairy tales that I hold so near and dear to my little girl heart, there is one thing that never changes. The princess is in charge of her life. She never looks to another to live her life for her, she is simply looking for the right companion to live her life with. This is something that I think we ladies often forget. That we are not to look to the white night to come and save us, that we are simply looking to him to be the audience of one for this performance we call a life. I am the only person that is right for the role of the leading lady in my life. He should be my counter part, not my director. I am not one that is looking to be taken care of. If you know me then you know that I am capable of surviving on my own. But that's just the thing. I don't want to simply survive. I want to live.
Prince charmings are interesting characters if you think about it. There is no distinct look or prototype for one. The white night doesn't exactly have any specific criteria other than that he has some sort of noble steed with which he uses to take you off into the sunset towards the ever hovering happily ever after. Most of the time, prince charming is hiding within the hearts of a little boy, who is faces just as many struggles as the little girl that is housing the potential princess that matches that prince's heart. Without warning the little boy must learn how to become a man, for there is no in between. There rarely is ever a moment in his life where he levitates in the margin between child and grown up. Instantaneously he must know exactly how to provide, to protect, and to prove that he is worthy of the title he so longs for. But it is within that margin that most of life is lived, and he tried to much avail to navigate through it to find someone whom matches his soul.
So sometime, someday in some random place that you really don't want to be in, that same little girl meets a little boy and they begin to talk. And then maybe they find things in common. They don't immediately know anything monumental, but they know that maybe, just maybe they have found someone made of the same mold that they came from. Then eventually as they spend time together they individually begin to realize that they may in point of fact do need to be saved. They need to be saved from themselves. Suddenly the little girl starts to resemble that of royalty, and the little boy is starting to house the qualities of a well seasoned knight. Then maybe they start to see in each other, what they thought only existed in the pages of the books they were read as bed time stories years ago. It may not end it what the stories say is happily ever after, but I believe this is the shape of what the modern day fairytale could be. At least I hope so. Because as the little girl who is still searching for the heart of the little boy that matches hers, I can only hope that he won't give up looking for me. That even though this world turns us into unbelievers, that maybe there is still an ember of hope left in the heart that matches mine. And that one day my heart will be able to whisper "I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream." and I will actually believe it.