Fingerprints

My brain won't shut up. Seriously. And it's not like there is just one train of thought that my mind keeps going on and re-working to try and find a different solution to. It's like my brain is Grand Central Station, and there are tons of trains all leaving at once, and since I am not run by lots of very intelligent people and am flying solo, I'm not able to keep track of all the trains leaving the station. It's basically a free for all. Thoughts are coming and going just as they please. I'm starting to feel like a spectator in this new sport I have stumbled upon except I'm still unsure of all the rules. As the saying goes if you can't beat them, join them, so that is exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to make the rules.

I am experiencing some growing pains. I have felt some here and there recently, but have taken some metaphorical Tylenol in hopes that they would just get better an leave me alone. Well now it seems that they are collectively rioting to get my attention. Well OK aches and pains of life, I see you, but that doesn't mean that you win. Yet.

The funniest thing that I find about these annoying growing pains is that none of them are bad, they actually all collectively point to a greater good, to a girl more successful than you would think for her age, and honestly I think I am scared of that. I have to opportunity to excel at a lot of different things, and in the madness of it all I think I have forgotten that I am allowed to be a little bit afraid of who I have the potential to be.

I don't like telling people how old I am. For whatever reason, life crept up on me faster than it did for others, and I learned some very hard, very real yet very simple lessons very early on in my teenage years. Life is what you make it, and this life is so extremely precious. There isn't a day that should go by when you shouldn't fight tooth and nail to get absolutely everything you can out of every single day, because unlike little orphan Annie, I don't always count on tomorrow. In the midst of coming to grips with all of this in my late teens, I think I got the free gift with purchase by promising myself I would be somebody today, not wait until I was the proper age for someone to believe I was the someone I said I was. While I do believe that I have achieved a menial amount of success with many new open doors, I think I have forgotten that it is OK to be daunted by the future you want. It' s OK for a second to be afraid of who you have the potential to be.

I have accepted a lot on my plate and all of it is wonderful, but I find myself being more hesitant than normal. I finally think now that it's because I don't want to fail at any of it. But honestly, who determines failure or success? Is there some sort of handbook that I haven't read that shows the qualifications for failure and success? What I deem as failure may be seen as a win to someone else. Life is about perspective, not rules and regulations. There is no such thing as win or lose, it truly is all about how you play the game.

There are many things about life that are unclear. How do you open yourself up to someone and let them really see who you are, instead of pushing them to see what you want them to see. We can't control someone else's perspective, so we try and sweeten the deal by manipulations and re directions. It's hard to be an open book, even when that's all we want to be. We become so aware of the fact that someone may not like what they see, that we try and manipulate just what they see. At least I do. I am not innocent of playing the game of I'll show you what you want to see, instead of let me show you who I am, but I don't really think that many of us are.

I guess what I am trying to say in too many words is that it's all OK. It's OK to be afraid, to take a break, to re-evaluate, to take a second and re-work what you think you are doing. All that I know is, I love that I have been given the chance to be Courtney Whittamore, which includes having lots of opinions and lots of questions and not very many answers. Life is more about the questions anyway, cause if we knew it all, where would the adventure be? I want to have it all, and then some. Just like everyone else I want to be king of the world in my own way... someday. Today I am happy to be sitting on my bed, knowing tomorrow I get to go to work, then to learn, then to better myself, then to be with the ones I love. And then the next day I get to do a variation of the same. And that everyday, I get to create something that only I have the chance to create. And that someday, someone will look back on this life of mine and think that they wouldn't have been the same without my fingerprint on the world. That's all I want. To leave my fingerprint on the world.

When One Door Closes...

Well, the last few days have been quite annoying, yet really positive. I know that sounds convoluted, so let me further explain.

Thereasa is rude. Thereasa is my car and she is very rude. On my way to work yesterday, she pitched a fit. It was about 3:45 in the afternoon, I had just stopped to grab some Chick-fil-a sweet tea and waffle fries, comfort food for any southern lady who wishes she was from the city and she just had enough. I was supposed to be in Punta Gorda (for those of you unfamiliar with the area that's an hour away from where I was) by 4:30 at the latest to pick up my bosses son from work because she had an important meeting to attend to. And there I was, in the turning lane on one of the busiest streets in town with my hazards on, wincing every time someone gave me the finger as they maneuvered around me. Luckily dad wasn't too far away at work, and since he likes me a little he came to save the day. I was finally able to convince my diva of a car to start up again, and managed to get myself in a parking spot to lick my wounds and eat my waffle fries.

So needless to say I couldn't get to Punta Gorda at all let alone on time. I was so ticked off by that reality that I actually need some time to pout alone in my room like the four year old I sometimes am. I couldn't come to grips with the fact that I had been unreliable do to things out of my control. I also began to stress over the notion that my show stopping diva car is now in her 11th year, and as much as we love and hate each other, I may have to break it off and start fresh with a new diva that can get me to work on time.

Along with the frustrations of malfunctioning cars I have been dealing with a change in medical coverage, meaning I literally have to break some one's arm to get the medicine I need to be healthy. I have come to discover that the health care industry is a business just like any other, and that those technicians on the other line are working for minimum wage, and don't care about you at all. That is if you get a person at all. Most of the time it's that automated voice of a woman on Valium asking you to say certain words and never repeating them right back to you. Can you tell I have been put on hold a time or two in the past few days?

But like I said, there are good things happening too. Along with my wonderful day job at Lori Lane Personnel that allows me to be flexible as long as I keep a smile on my face and get the job done, I have been given the opportunity to study under my voice mentor to become a vocal mentor in her studio as well. I am so floored and happy that she really believes that I have come to a point where I can teach others what I LOVE to do. I have full access to observe her with her students any time my schedule permits and just absorb everything I possibly can. This is like my heaven. I love observing and taking notes and learning from watch just as much as learning from doing... just ask the cast of Hairspray :) Through this she has put me in touch with several of her students needing female vocalist for recording demos for bands and even live performances. Nothing is certain as of yet, but just having doors like that be halfway open is a really awesome thing.

It seems that life is evening itself out at the moment. For every frustration comes an opportunity. I just pray that as I follow God's will for my life, that I can do it all :)

Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot...

I know that I am a few days late, and the new year has already greeted us, but that doesn't mean that I can't still write about it :) To me, new years eve is just another night, so as boring and unexciting as it is, I stayed home and didn't make a big fuss. As a matter of fact, I watched Barbie's Island Princess with my seven year old sister because neither one of us could sleep in lue of all of the festive fireworks going off in our neighborhood. I spent those hours between decades with someone I love with all of my heart, and don't think I could have had a better time if I were anywhere else in the world.

The one thing that I do enjoy about New Years however, is the chance to reflect on how life has surprised you in the last 365 days and start your sentences with "if someone would have told me" and end them with "I never would have believed them." I have not only looked back on this year, I have read my thoughts on this throughout this year, and I just love every word. If I knew then what I know now, I would have hugged myself and said baby just you wait.

This year has been full of moments for me. And a lot of those moments were full of decisions. I really do believe that this is my first grown up year. I say that because I have not apologized for life, instead I have lived it for everyone to watch if they so choose, and I have never been happier. Me and my God are driving this life of an eccentric, life loving and risk taking Miss Whittamore, and I only hope that I can keep this pattern up.

I know that people usually make New Years resolutions during this time, and with the best of intentions, but I also know that they fall to the wayside when life happens. I can't say that I don't have goals for this year, because I most certainly do, but I am not going to be so narrow minded as to map them out. If I do, I am limiting myself to only my idea of this life, instead of being open to letting others have a hand in my progress. Would I like to shed a few pounds? Of course! who doesn't?! But I am also not going to set a deadline for that because I don't want to kill myself if I don't make it. The goal is instead to live a healthy lifestyle, and if a consequence of that is losing a few pounds then of course that is welcome. Do I want to keep climbing this ladder that I have found myself on? Why yes I do, but I am not going to kill myself if I don't make it up 5 more rungs by 2012. I am going to be the best me I can be, make my own opportunities, and allow people to help me, instead of thinking I can do all of this alone. There is no shame in being helped, instead there are volumes of wisdom in allowing someone of more experience to guide you.

Once again, I find myself at a crossroad, but I have decided there are very few times when life doesn't leave you without options. Many of the things I have shared my hopes for have indeed come true. So far in the new year I have Beehive down in Naples to look forward to, several contracted vocal gigs, some prospects with the theatre comapnies I hav put my foot in the door of this year, the opportunity to be a voice mentor in training with the goal of teaching a wonderful voice curriculum, a few recording opportunities, as well as the opportunity to advance in my day job at the staffing agency. I am blessed beyond measure that on day 2 of the new year I already have so much to look forward to, but I am also excited that the way I see things happening right now is certainly not the way they will look months down the line. Life is more manageable when looked at as a scavenger hunt as opposed to a surprise party, and I can't wait to find some more clues that lead me to the prize.

Nothing about me is original, I am a compilation of everyone I have ever met. I look forward and challenge those in my future, to keep me on my toes.

Happy New Year to you all. How do you measure a year in the life? How about love.