You Can't Take It With You

I'm really glad that I threw my plan for my life out the window a long time ago. Most people would follow that sentence with "because this is so much better than anything that I could have thought up"... and while that is a beautiful sentiment that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside and that you have finally arrived somewhere, I can't honestly say that. How can I know if something is better than a scenario that I haven't experienced anywhere besides my wondering of what ifs? However, I will follow that sentence with "because I am amazed with how positive things have turned out." I almost said "amazed with where I have ended up." I even typed it out, looked at it and deleted it. twice. Because i have realized I am SO far from the end.

Since we have entered the holiday season, and in addition I am currently involved with a holiday show, my mind has been in a very thankful, holly jolly (yes that is a show title plug :)) mindset, I have actually been in the place to live in the holiday spirit, not just watch it pass me by while I keep my head down and keep to the never ending grind. This is what I have discovered. In spite of myself, my life has become something. In spite of my sometimes thoughtless and spontaneous choices, my life has continued to surprise me. I am continuously trying to follow my heart, and sometimes to others that appears flippant and flighty, but I have never been more happy that I went with my heart, as opposed to letting my analytical side take over and mandating I stay where I am and continue to convince myself that my heart is wrong.

One of the most ironic things I think I have experienced in the last year is, that while I left school, I have most certainly not stopped learning. As a matter of fact, I have been thrown into the school of life, and you can't fail at that. There are no A's or F's anymore, there's just do it, or lose your job. One of the many things I have learned is to not only keep an open mind, but to keep an open heart. I have been so incredibly blessed to have been apart of three different cast families within the last almost 7 months, and each member of all three has impacted me in several ways. Some, by expressing their dislike for me and things of that nature, have inspired me to continue to be who I am, and not try and please everyone. Not everyone is going to like you, and I think that I am one step closer to understanding that. Others by sharing a super special bond that only takes a smile to create, and only distance can dim it, simply because you have both dedicated your life to creating art. And then there are the ones that while it takes a little more than a smile, maybe it's a shared joke or a simple touching moment that you both noticed that everyone else missed which brings you together but not even distance can make you forget how it felt to be with them. Just breathing the same air with them made you feel like you wanted to be a better person. I can honestly say I have been blessed to know such people, learn from them, and better yet call them my friends.

In the last year, I have moved four times... and not just small moves, I mean cross country moves, and this is just the beginning. I have been called to a life of a gypsy, and even though it's what makes me get up in the morning, it comes with a lot of bumps. Luckily I now have a place that I can call my home base for now, and can begin to make a life for myself, but who knows where it will take me. Like I said, I threw out my plans alooooong time ago. I decided to actually live what my mom has told me since I could remember and "let go, and let God." and I have never felt so fulfilled and happy, and trust me, not everything that happened or will happen has been happy. My road has been littered with let downs and hardships and goodbyes and health malfunctions and many other such things, but those are the things that make me who I am, not the happy time things. I may not be able to take everything with me, but I can keep the love that I have been shown, the lessons I have learned, the memories that we share, and the never ending song in my heart that will keep me going until I can't go anymore. My song is my life, and for all of those that have chosen and offered to harmonize with me.

All my love to the recently closed cast of Hairspray. You inspired most of this post. Much love to my Lost Colony babies and my CCM friends as well. Nothing about me is original. I am a compilation of everyone I have ever met. Thank you all so much!! Here's to many more!!! Long live the arts!! lol

Good Morning Baltimore!!

So kids... It HAPPENED!!!

In case you haven't been frequenting my facebook page, my mom's page, my GRANDMA's page and didn't hear the news... I went on as Tracy Turnblad in Hairspray this weekend at Broadway Palm. And let me just tell you, the first emotion I experienced was not joy...

To those of you that know me, know that I am NOT a morning person. I'm not even a mid-morning person. I'm BARELY a noon girl, and even then I still need to not talk for about a half an hour after I wake up. So normally, people don't call me. They know better. But Saturday morning was different.

I had gotten a text the night before from our stage manager which simply stated "(Tracy) has a soar throat. She is performing tonight but be ready to go on this weekend just is case." To say I panicked is an understatement. I was shopping with Emily, and I'm pretty sure if you asked her she would tell you that all the color drained from my face. We were shoe shopping, and all the sudden all I could think is I HAVE to go home and watch the video I had taken of the choreo and run lines. Through all the madness I had the brilliant idea to actually GO to the show and stand in the wings to make sure I knew the entire track, including all the backstage goings ons.

After the show I felt much better. I knew that I had everything in line and that if pigs sprouted wings and hell froze over, I would be fine. I ran a few extra things with Michael (Link) just to be safe, said goodnight to the stage manager Adam, and headed for home. He had said in our parting words that it was still unclear whether or not I would be going on, but that he would give me a call in the morning if I was going on. What we figured the scenario would be is that I would watch the matinee, have a put in rehearsal with the cast (which would be my first rehearsal as Tracy) and then go on for the evening show and the possibly on Sunday.

At 10:00 I was wide awake. And it's a good thing too because that's when I got the call. "It's you." All day?? "Yep. Get down here as soon as you can, we need to fit you for the costumes." I went and threw up.

Mom packed me all up with some snacks which we both knew I wouldn't eat, some smart water (to make me smarter of course) and a whole bunch of prayers and love. On the way to the theatre I may or may not have had to make a pit stop to throw up again, but all things considered I think that is just OK. You probably would have too don't lie.

The funniest thing is that my concerns weren't what you would have thought they would have been, but that's what makes me me. For example, I am smaller than our Tracy, and I didn't know until I walked in at 11 that I had a fat suit so the costumes would fit me properly. YAY. I was having visions of costumes falling off of me and being all exposed on stage (however my shirt did fly open during one of the numbers, but it wasn't terribly noticeable and it was my fault, I didn't fasten it well enough). I also knew that I am almost 4 inches shorter than our Tracy, and that concerned me. I was afraid that when I had to kiss Link, I would only make it to his sternum... I didn't take into account that he could help me lol.

When I got to the theatre and backstage the whole cast was there waiting for me, brimming with encouraging hearts and loving spirits. Since they had a promotional event that was previously planned, there was no time for me to have a put in rehearsal. So Adam put on his actor hat and played every role in the show while I ran around the stage like a mad woman making sure I had my blocking down.

Showtime was quickly approaching and I was finally excited. I had done my work. I had said my prayers and this is where God had brought me for a reason, not to mention I was surrounded by a cast that wanted nothing more than for me to succeed. Chuck (Edna) "tucked me in" into the signature stand up bed for the top of the show and just told me that when it comes down to it, it's all about air and water. Make sure I have my water on both sides of the stage, and get deep enough breaths to keep going. After that each member of the cast made their way to me, each giving me a little bit more strength by wishing me the best, and actually meaning it. Then they made the announcement. "Today the role of Tracy Turnblad will be played by Courtney Whittamore." I smiled so big I got a cramp in my cheeks.

By the grace of God, the shows went so so SO well. I had more fun than I have ever had in my whole entire life. Yes I dropped a line here and there, or maybe didn't do this move exactly perfect, but I did it. It was my show. Being the perfectionist I am, I was saying this to my dear friend Clinton when I said "I know everything I did wrong." to which he responded "But do you know everything you did right?" Yeah. He got me on that one. I received many compliments from my cast mates and family, all of which deeply touched my heart. I am not a one woman show. I know I did not do this on my own. I have a fantastic cast, the best family and an Amazing savior to thank for this. And I am also taking some credit for myself. I am proud of myself. Proud and pleased. :)

From this weekend I have a months worth of happy, hilarious and touching memories. Jennie giving me her time and her servant's heart to make sure I was ready, dressed, calm and confident. Making that Welcome to the 60's twenty second quick change with Amy and Scott, having never rehearsed it and rewarding myself with my very own Jersey Shore fist pump at the end. Clinton smiling a proud friend's smile at me every chance I got to look at him. Walter telling me how happy he was to work with me. Ayana looking me in the eye, taking me by the hand and telling me that she loved me and that I would do great. Trevor being a complete goof and just making me smile. Being on the receiving end of Negdra bringing down the with I know where I've been and bringing me to tears. Literally belting Michael's face off in I Can Hear The Bells, and acting along side of him for the duration of the show. Dancing like a crazy person with Lisa and laughing at our own little jokes. Getting to play with Chuck and Paul, learning and absorbing anything and everything I could from my stage mama. Adam playing every role before curtain for me to make sure I had my lines and trying not to laugh/throw up from anxiety. Actually being scared of Amy when she towered over me in Baltimore crabs, then later learning she actually had a hard time being mean to me. Watching Lara do her thing up close and personal, and respecting her all the more for what she does. Getting HUGE hugs from Courtney Love in the wings. Watching Ford twirl his fanny off. Getting encouraging glances from Nina, Cameron, and Kierstan whenever I could look at them. Standing alone on the stage singing the Good Morning Baltimore Reprise. Taking my first final bow. Seeing my mom's proud face in the audience. And these are just a FEW of my lovely memories!! Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who was involved... This is just the beginning guys!!

A Moment of Weakness.

I have had this blog post sitting in my draft pile for about 6 months now, just waiting for the appropriate time to post it. Normally when I write a post I am an eager beaver and can't wait to publish it and see if anyone actually reads what little old me has to say... but with this one it was different. I think because it shows just how vulnerable I feel sometimes... and I really hate admitting that. So I bet you are wondering; why is she posting it now? Its Jesus O'clock in the morning and no one is going to read it until tomorrow anyways so why now. Well because I don't believe in coincidence. That's why.

I have been having a less than desirable time with my body as of late as most of you know. I am angry that the healing process is going so slow and sometimes I even just want to throw in the towel with this fight because I know someday I will be going through the same song and dance all over again so why prolong the inevitable? So as I am at the height of this self destructive hissy fit I awake from yet another nightmare caused by medicine I have to take to an excruciating headache. I drag myself into the kitchen to get some Tylenol and water I am greeted by a bible verse on the refrigerator door that I have somehow missed for the last week. I'm not sure how I missed it as it was in at least 28 font and took up and entire sheet of computer paper... but there it was, the very bible verse I had so passionately written about months before... so I figure, maybe I need this now more than ever... and maybe you do to. So here it is. I hope and pray it speaks to you.


"There are many times that I feel less than acceptable. My limitations from time to time take over, and I simply become a passenger on a road that I don't wish to be on. Weakness is a scary thing for me. My whole existence is centered around independence and freedom, because without them I know what could become of me. So this post as much as I want it to minister to you, is also a constant reminder to me. What this world sees as pitiful, my God sees as perfect. What the world deems a burden, my Lord calls it beautiful.

I had grown up on this scripture, but when you are young you only cling to the part that sounds pretty. For years I have carried the promise "My grace is sufficient for you" in my heart, but was amiss as to what followed it. A few weeks ago when a friend of mine needed encouraging I looked up a few scriptures for her, hoping that it would help. This particular one was laid on my heart. In an attempt to impart healing words to another, my soul was the one that was soothed.

"But He said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more glady about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. This is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I also really love the way the Message paraphrase puts it when paralleled with the NIV

My grace is enough; it is all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations is stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size- abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Now, I know that Christianity and the viewpoint of Christ are not the most popular these days, but no matter where you stand with him, you must admit that these words are so powerful. That someone could love you so much, that they would pour out grace for you at the precise moment that you need it. I am not perfect, nor am I the perfect Christian and I have never claimed to be. I question God and my faith daily. I am human. However, I hold these words in my heart, especially when devastation is so prevalent in today's reality. For me, this is my comfort. That in my moment of weakness, there is hope that I will be strong again."

Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep

So several things have happened since my last blog post. Firstly my contract has ended with The Lost Colony and I am back at home. However, seven days before my contract ended my body had decided that enough was enough and I had a nice 5 day stay at the Outer banks Hospital where I received heavy, draining, yet effective treatment for my Crohn's disease. I was released from the hospital two days before I was to move out and I was panicked. A fun fact about hospital trips is that you don't always get released when you are better, rather they discharge you when there is nothing more they can do for you and the rest is up to God. I left better than I was before, but depleted of any kind of energy source. The treatment I was given was potent, and caused my body to use any strength it had to heal itself. I was glad to be back in my own space, but I was plagued by the reality that I had four months worth of my life to pack up and I could barely stand on my own.

The power of prayer is something that I have never debated and have only been amazed by as I grow older. I called my grandparents completely broken, wishing away not only the packing process but the 4 hour drive to Raleigh by myself to pick up my dad so he could drive me the rest of the way home. Even though hundreds of miles apart they prayed over me, for someone to be kind enough to help me and that my strength would return quickly.

In enters two beautiful souls: Jimmy and Grace, two of my dear friends that I met doing the show. Jimmy is a gifted dancer and Grace can pretty much do it all. They came in just when I needed them, packed my life in my car, let me boss them around from my bed, and re-assured me that everything was going to be OK. In the end it really didn't take all that much time to do, and wasn't as big of a task as I was picturing it to be, but needless to say it was a few hours given to me as a great gift, and they know how grateful I am to them for their love and support. The drive was manageable but not desirable. Whoever designed the route from the Outer Banks to Raleigh clearly did not have Crohn's disease, for there was an hour and a half stretch without any bathrooms. I was in the middle of farm land for over 70 miles, and I was panicking all the way. Finally I reached some semblance of civilization and not too long afterwards I was driving aimlessly around the Raleigh airport unable to find the cell phone lot that was hiding from me and just parked in short term parking per my mom's advice. Dad came and found me, kicked me out of the driver's seat and set out to get me home, because that's where we both knew I needed to be.

In between uncomfortable naps I thought about my last few weeks in North Carolina. My health took a really fast downward spiral, because that's what health does sometimes, and always without your consent. Several people had things to say about it whether it was amongst themselves or directly to my face, either way alot of it got back to me. At first I was hurt that people would assume I allowed this to happen to myself, but I soon dismissed that as ignorance. Whoever thinks that someone wants to look weak and admit they have a problem they can't control is delusional. I settled on the idea that these people were not worth the time I spent thinking about their opinions, and left it at that. At least be educated when you mud sling, it's alot more attractive and much more effective.

I have been home a week now and I have been so blessed. My recovery is going well and I am so thankful for that. I have been spending time with family, and those friends you wish were family and have been so happy. My parents and grandparents have been so loving and understanding, and Amber and Jenna and Spencer (even though he is in Cinci) have been uplifting and caring in the ways that remind me why they are so important to me. I love you all.

Even though one adventure has ended, there are several more coming up for me! I have an audition with a theatre company in Naples soon that is really promising. I also am going to be teaching a master class titled "What's this Business about Show Business" on the 10th to high school students to help them be better prepared for the business side of theatre. I will be starting an office job at a temp agency helping them with marketing as well as nannying for a very sweet family. I will of course continue writing my book and sharing on here... but perhaps the biggest undertaking of them all, is that I am going to be in an upcoming production of Hairspray as the cover for Tracy with Prather Entertainment! If things go well with this show there may be other opportunities with this company that could lead to some really big things. SO EXCITING!

I may have Crohn's disease, but my God is bigger than any disease. I am going to continue to follow his will for my life and I know that I will be just fine. Actually I will be more than fine, I will be blessed, and that's exactly what it should be.

When It Rains It Pours

The last few weeks have been an interesting stretch. It's hot. And I mean really hot. And the fact that we wear wool clothing and layers of it in the heat doesn't make anyone any happier. We also are getting teased by the weather. One second its scorching hot and then you blink and it's hailing. We are tired. And when people get tired it's a known fact that sooner or later they get cranky. I think we bypassed cranky and went straight to grumpy and some even angry. We need space... but somehow space is the one commodity that seems to be evading us. Something we all see as a necessity has shomehow become a privalage that non of us are elevated enough to achieve. So instead we brood. Or, in my case... just stay quiet.

We had a really bad storm the other night. In hindsight I know that many people have different opinions of what the storm actually was, but if we are all honest in the midst of it, we all knew it wasn't right. There were three different storms surrounding the theatre, and each one of them was displaying their power, warning us not to contend with it. Lightning and heavy winds were the main event, and I was nervous. In talking to cast mates about it in short hurried whispers backstage I admited my anxiety, adding that I see storms all the time as I am a Florda girl through and through, and the fact that I was hesitant made my anxiety mount even further. It even got to the point where people became scared onstage. The lighting loomed directly overhead and I think we all went into hyper drive. For some people that meant speeding up... for others it meant crying. For me... it meant holding on for dear life to however happened to be near and slilently praying that it would all be over soon.

In the end the right decision was made. When the "due to incliment weather" announcement was made I don't think I could have been more relieved. I quickly grabbed my things, got out of costume and went home with my roomie to hide under the covers and block out the night that just wouldn't go away. Funny thing is, is that I thought all the opinions and harsh tones and words would have gotten out of the way at the theatre, but it turns out I was far from accurate on that one. People quickly began to unleash their frustrations, and unfortunalty on each other. It happened, it's over, and we have hopefully moved on. However, reading and hearing some of these things made me realize just how close the end of all of this really is.

We have around 20 performances left. That means I have roughly less than a month here in North Carolina. I remember before I got here how nervous I was, when I was finally here how excited I was, when I was settled in how content I was, and now that it's nearing the end how ready I am to move on. I am resolved with the fact that this will end. I will go to my next contract and experience things there just like I have here, some wonderful, and some unneccesary. I have met people here who I can honestly say that I love, and some who I probably won't speak to again after this because that's just the way life it, and that's ok. I am honored to be apart of this family, but I still recognize that things change, and I'm not going to waste opportunites by refusing to change with time.

As I get ready to leave for the theatre for my 50 something show, Im blessed to know I have a job to go to, and one that I love doing.It most certainly has its bumps, but what doesn't? I will give it everything I have until its time to pack my things and move on. Merde, and break legs to all of the cast and crew! Here we go!

Its Raining Its Pouring

Me and my roomate are crazy. Or at least this is what we have been told on more than one occasion... especially in the past few days. It is now officailly the middle of the run of our show here at the lost colony, and honestly I think that we are all going a little crazy in our own way. We live on an island... a very small island where everything closes at eleven (save for hatchels and 7 eleven... BLESS). We work and live with the same group of people, which is good and bad, and we are doing the same thing every night. We are essentailly being paid (however little it may be) to live in a rut, and I think we are all beginning to realize that.

Roomie and I have one of the easiest relationships I have ever had the fortune of maintaining. Im actually shocked that two girls get along as well as we do... much less two girls that have the same profession, same job, and same BEDROOM. We are just similar enough to understand where each other is comming from, but still different enough that we don't kill each other. Of course we have gotten fed up with each other, and probably at times angry, but there have never been harsh words or blow up (knock on wood) just silence and space, which is exactly what should happen. The one thing that I think makes our friendship what it is, is that we are both just about the same amount of insane... and when one is in desperate need of an adventure, a laugh, deep conversation, and yes at times even a good cry, the other one isnt afraid to jump on board and come along for the ride. No one wants to take the swells of life alone, and I think we both understand that.

Last night was a semi normal semi akward night. I had some personal issues that I had to deal with that I honestly just wanted to go away, and sarah had a meeting to go to. After my lovely extravaganza was through I wasn't in the best of moods. I don't like to deal with things that I think are silly and by that I mean that I just wished didn't exist. I guess that is just the child in me but hey, everyone has their flaws. So being slightly annoyed I began my trudge back to my apartment to sulk, when I discovered Sarah had embarked on her laundry journey without me. I quickly grabbed my own clothes and went to the laundry mat with Matthew and met her there. I can honestly say that I have never had more fun doing laundry in my life. We were the olny ones there, it was airconditioned.. YAY and it was with people that I don't have to put a show on for. At this point on a personal level our entire company is just tired... so it was nice to escape for a while and just be.

After our laundry was finished, Sarah decided she was hungry, so being us we decided to go on a "vacation" across the bridge to the 24 hour drive through McDonalds in Kill Devil Hills. Matt was already rather tired... and I don't bame him, he had had much more of a day than either one of us had, so we dropped him back off in the grove and set out on our escapade. Before he got out of my car though, he said "You girls are crazy." And I couldn't agree more with him.

We had a beautiful vacation. Per our usual drive through experiance we encountered someone we couldn't understand at the window, and insued in imperssionations the entire way home. Amidst our fits of laughter it began to rain really hard. The rain didn't really become a problem until we reached the parking lot of the grove and had to go inside. Now it was 5am in the morning... most people if they were up at that hour would have just sucked it up and just gone inside so they could sleep. Not us. We decided to lay the seats back in my car and watch the lightning and listen to the rain. At first it was purely because we didnt want to get wet... but then it became peaceful. We were able to just sit there... no words were needed. It was the first time in a long time that I felt that I could just breathe and that was enough.

Living with actors is hard. You always have to prove why you belong.. whether its because you are the funniest, the prettiest or the most well liked, you have to be the best at something. I've gotten really tired of playing that game... I think we all have. I don't know what I'm the best at... and honestly I don't know if I ever will know. But what I do know is that I am crazy. Everyone else knows it too. I am crazy enought to just sit in a car in the pouring rain and exist... and know that that is enough. Pouring

This is All

You know when you have those days when you have a whole bunch of feelings and thoughts swimming around in your head but you can't pinpoint exactly what any of them are so you end up just being stoic? If you don't that's OK. Actually it's probably better if you haven't... I certainly wouldn't call it a great feeling. I'm there right now. I just got back from a great gathering with my company for the fourth thrown for us by our executive producer, and yeah I had a great time, but for some reason I felt out of place. I'm now sitting on my couch in the dark because I couldn't be bothered to turn on the lights listening to Hide and Seek, and I just want this feeling out of my stomach... so I'm going to try and sort it all out here.

I went to a play reading this past friday night at midnight. It's sort of a tradition that we have started here. We jokingly call it artistic Friday's, but essentially that is what it is. Any member of the cast that has anything original that they would like to share can do so on one of our cast member's porches and we can provide feedback. Thus far we have been reading plays written by members of our cast and are cast and read by other members of the cast. This week's play was a bit more intense than the others; it was based on the life and events surrounding the scandle of Fredrico Garcia Lorca's dissapearence/death. I walked into this reading blind... I didn't know a THING about any of what was being dicussed... including who Lorca even was. As the play was being read however, I learned that he was a revolutionary writer and person, bringing to light subject matter that others were scared to even discuss, much less put it on the stage. There was one line in the play that sailed straight into my heart... "I am Fredrico Garcia Lorca. That is all I can ever be."

I am insecure. I can be socially awkward sometimes and can become easily introverted if I'm not comfortable. I'm a walking condradiciton. I can be the funny girl who makes the whole room laugh, and the next minute I am wishing I were in someone elses skin. I'm an actor who loves to sit at home and be alone from time to time. I can't compete with people who are "on" all the time , and to be truthful I won't. It would be a waste to change the person I am just so someone else will look my way. I wish sometimes I were as confident as my words, and I know that I can be, I think it just takes time. Now by no means am I a sad little girl crying in a corner, this is just what has been swimming through my head. I like who I am, I have worked hard to be this person. I am all I can ever be.

There's Only This.

I have begun the first line of this post over just about ten times. My mind is heavy with a lot of different things... the kind of things that you keep pretending don't exist until you sit down on your couch at four in the morning and are resolved to eat cold queso and stale chips alone because its really all that you can do...

I am in the midst of a life changing experience. I am a working actress with a place to live, a wonderful roomie to witness my life, and a show to work on that touches people's lives. I am blessed beyond reproach to be doing the very thing I know without a doubt I have been created to do every day I wake up. However, the one thing that I am learning is that your dreams come with a price as well.

People hurt. I hurt. We watch each other tear ourselves apart with no way to fix it because we know deep down that we can't repair someone else when we can't even put ourselves back together. You can't will a heart to heal. No band aid is big enough and no glue is strong enough to keep one together once it has been broken. There is no need for yelling when a whisper of doubt alone can shatter your soul. Whispers of I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not talented enough, are more than enough to cause permanent damage... and it happens to everyone.

The more I get to know my wonderful, beautiful and caring cast, the more I hear and see that each one of us has been hurt in some fashion, and are trying desperately to cover it up or just brush it off all together. Something I have decided over the past few days is that there is no shame in admitting that you have been hurt. My roomie has also started to blog, and in her most recent post she mentioned a night where both of us were talking about how we viewed love with another girl in the cast. When we had concluded our stories which were far from the fairytale we all hoped they would turn out to be, she said "You both are so brave to have loved with such passion." That has stayed with me since that night. I think that it is brave to admit that you loved so fiercely that it cost you something you may never get back. I have a giant heart. I trust anyone until they give me a reason not to and I will love you until you tell me I shouldn't. Many people have told me I am foolish and even crazy for opening up so much to so many, and there are plenty of times that I actually agree with them, but I know in my heart that God made us to love this way. My heart has been broken, and if I am really honest with myself, sometimes I think that it still may be... but I know that's OK. I did something brave. I loved someone more than I love myself, and to me that is the most I can do with the life I have been given.

As I sit here on my couch listening to Rent (yes when I am pensive the emotional musical theatre geek comes alive in me) I can't help but smile. Even though there are so many things in the past and even in my present that I can dwell on and re work in my mind, I don't need to. Love knows no time and no bounds, so I'm not going to either. I am going to keep breathing and loving as fiercely as ever and never apologize. Jonathan Larson knew what he was doing when he wrote the words to this song... and yes I am going to be a dork and quote rent and you are going to love it.
"There is no future, there is no past. Thank God this moment's not the last. There's only us. There's only this. Forget regret- or life is yours to miss. No other road. No other way. No day but today."

Check Mate

I don't get embarrassed. I don't ever feel overly concerned with appearances. Like when you first meet a large group of people at a function I.E. my college orientation and the ice breaker is share your most embarrassing moment, I either come up dry or I embellish a so so story to make myself seem more interesting. This has now changed. For the first time in years, I, Courtney Whittamore, was embarrassed. I know. I was just as shocked as you.

What is the source of this travesty you ask? What could possibly shock the girl that walks around in her p.j's like its her job and every injury story she has involves some sort of blonde moment on her part? Well... let me just tell you... My apartment.

I am living in the Grove with about 100 something artistic people. That alone is difficult. But we are also artistically minded people that have no time to live lives separate from the theatre, therefore any idea of creating a home or even unpacking your boxes from move in day just doesn't exist. Also, the stage of our theatre is sand, meaning the the floor of my apartment is also sand. It's funny how things accumulate. Its sad when you don't realize how gross your apartment is until you notice you have quarantined yourself from the kitchen willingly because you are afraid of what will jump out of the sink and say good morning to you.

Of course there was a catalyst to this realization aside from my fear of unknown sink creatures. Last night Sarah and I had friends over to just chill out and talk. The night was spent in our living room, and as way led to way I ended up sitting on the floor. As this had been the first time I had experienced the view from the floor, I took a survey of my surroundings... and I was not pleased. I was greeted by papers spilling out from under our coffee table, clothes strewn about, and dust bunnies galor. I was mortified. I quickly glanced around at my guests and saw that they were not paying any mind to what I was now fixed upon, however I decided that after tonight, no one would ever come to our apartment again and Sarah and I would be friendless if we did not take action, even though they had been to our home before.

There are many reasons that I love my roomie, but one of the biggest is that when it comes to the important things, and by important I mean insane, we are always on the same wave length. I think there may have been an exchange of three sentences before we decided to declare an all our war on the filth that was claiming our home.

Within moments we were in the car on our way to walmart. After about a 30 minute drive we saw that it was closed. CLOSED! In a desperate effort we searched high and low for some where that was open. Thank God for 24 hour food lions. They saved our lives. We purchased insane amounts of cleaning products, bleach, and air freshners and grimaced as we watch our paychecks drain into our fit of insanity. Non the less we journey onward. Although the 24 hour food lion supplied us with most of our needs, we were not satisfied, so being the strong willed women we are we popped a squat at Mcdonalds and awaited the opening of Walmart. Soon enough we were in the store, making our last purchases and heading back to our tangle with disgust.

Our trip started out as light hearted and hopefull, but as we neared the Grove, our game face was firmly set in place. There was a job to be done, and it was going to get done if it was the last thing we did... besides the show of course :)
The actual cleaning itself was epic. I have never seen that much filth and dirt capulized in one home. I will not go into great detail on here as I still want to have friends by the time I finish this blog post.

So... needless to say I am exahusted. I sacrified sleep, one of my most favorite pastimes, to clean... However, I can sucessfully say that sarah and I live in a home now, not a trash can... and to that mess I experienced in the ungodly hours of the morning, I have only one thing to say. Check. Mate.

It's the Little Things

I don't plan things. I don't make lists, nor am I organized. However, my mom is. She has a list of things that must be done and the exact time that they are to be done in. This used to drive me CRAZY as a kid... ok well, maybe it still drives me crazy but that isn't the point. Even through my hatred, there were times that I saw the validity in being so put together with to do lists and strict deadlines, and even tried that hat on myself. Especially when I was going through college applications and decisions like that I felt the need to be a grown up. However as I have gotten older I have discovered that its not just tasks that I fail to plan out, but even where I am going to be next or what I want to do with my days are left in the wind.

I remember when I was in high school I had this huge project due that I really didn't want to get started on, and because I am stubborn and won't do anything i don't want to do until the very last minute, I tried thinking of ways to stall. All through my high school years a dear friend of mine and I carpooled to and from school together, even when we both had our drivers licenses. Now Linds was a task master as well, so i knew that if she knew i had a task to complete then there would be no goofing around, which is why i mostly keep my business under my hat. That afternoon we were sitting around on my patio, and had the novel idea to make our own canoe. We had talked for weeks about having our own canoe for this reason or that, but once we saw their price tags became slightly deterred. So that afternoon we gathered whatever we could around my house, which amounted to pool noodles, card board boxes, electrical tape, bubble wrap, and a prayer. We spent all afternoon constructing our masterpiece, with plans to use it that night in my pool. After we finished putting it together we prepared for our maiden voyage... and immediately sank... fully clothed and all. It may have been silly, and in the end I had to pull an all nighter to finish that project, but it was spontaneous and brought the kind of laughter you only hear when someone is purely happy. I still think back on that afternoon as one of the best I ever had.

Now I promise there is a reason I have been thinking about all of this. The last few days I have been down on myself, because I have been under the weather and out from the show due to doctor's orders. It hurts my heart when I want to do something and my body just won't let me. I got the medicine I needed and I should be fine from this point out, however I don't like the doubt that these last few days have placed in the mind of my colleagues. I can do this, I just have to do it in a different way than you would expect. I realized that I don't plan, because it hurts too much when I see those plans fly out the window, even the smallest of plans, because my body says no. Many a dream and plan has done that in my lifetime, and in the end I know they are just changing, not leaving, but none the less its not easy for me.

That's why last night made me so happy. I had been trapped in my apartment and by default my mind as well for the last two days, and seeing my own improvement in my movement and tolerance I decided that it was ok to go out and see some people. Every Saturday night there is a blow out in the grove with a unique theme, and I just wanted to go be around people. As way would have it, I was WIDE awake, because the medicine I was given makes me super drowsy, so in point of fact I had slept all day long. Sooner than I expected there were only a few of us left outside, and the sun was coming up to say good morning. We in our delirious splendor decided that going to breakfast was the thing to do, and that is exactly what we did. I can honestly say i have never been in better company and laughed more at 6am than I did this morning. I had surpassed happiness and gone straight for joy. Its the little things that go unplanned and unnoticed that make me think that its all going to be ok. It's all going to be ok.

Hello Again

Well hey!! I am so so SO happy to finally be able to write to you again! I hope you haven't lost interest in my little life, but I am back now :) Me and my roomie who I ADORE have found a way to catch some Internet, so I should be able to write as much as I want!! YAY!

So to catch up, I obviously made it here safely.. praise the Lord! Dad drove most of the way but the last few hours I was left to my own devices which included lots of caffeine, my GPS, and yes even a minor fender bender... I mean I have to keep things lively!

The first week I was here was wonderful. The company hadn't arrived yet so The Grove (slang for Morrison Grove where ALL of the company lives.. yeah crazy...) was completely empty, accept for a dear friend of mine that actually told me about the job. We had stayed in contact from the last gig we did together, but had actually not seen each other in over 2 years. It was nice to get to know each other again, and at the same time was very eye opening. Me and my rose colored glasses tend to like to keep people in time capsule, but that just isn't the case in the real world. People change, including myself, however that does not mean that I always recognize it.

Soon enough the first week of settling in and getting acclimated to my new life here was over, and my roomie arrived. Oddly enough, Sarah and I had met at the local auditions in the ladies room, where I am now convinced all good friendships start. After a few pleasantries we decided that we were going to be audition buddies, meaning that we wouldn't leave each other throughout the day. For those of you not in the business, auditions breed strange situations, because auditions themselves are anything but normal. You are selling your package to important people in a glimpse of time, and hoping that you are what they are looking for. This is so stressful that you immediately bond with those who are standing next to you doing the same thing. Well as life would have it we went our separate ways after the process and went on with our lives. I didn't even know she had gotten the job until we received our housing assignments and I was stalking my room mates. We got in touch and decided to share a room, seeing as there are two other ladies that share our place with us. It was the best decision I have ever made. She is not only a wonderful room mate, but a beautiful person and a priceless friend. I wouldn't be able to do this without her, and I am so glad she is here. I LOVE YOU!!

The first three weeks after the contract started, I'm not gonna lie, were obnoxious. 9am work calls which were over at 5pm, the bled into rehearsal that finished at 11pm. It was an efficient way to get such a massive show up in three weeks, however it nearly kills you. I didn't know coming into this how big of a show this was, but it truly is a massive undertaking. With costumes by William Ivy long and a script by Pulitzer prize winning Paul Green I should have known better, but during the run down of the show I was blown away. We have live gunshots, fireworks, fire, huge set changes, costumes that cost more than cars, a house that seats 1,500 that is filled at least half most nights, but still that isn't the most important thing. Each person Character in this show existed, and went through something like what we are portraying.

I am so blessed to be doing a show that means so much to so many people! It is only the beginning of the run, yet I still know that this will change my life, because I can already see that the change has begun. Not only has the show itself started this process, but its also the new family of actors and dreamers and lovers that have given me this gift. When our executive producer Carl Curnutte first addressed this year's cast, he told us that this summer would change our lives. He is so right. I have found a new home that my broken little heart can mend itself in. There was one night here, where all the alumni gathered together to initiate those of us who are new, and it changed my life forever. Ken Clifton, the musical director of the show and now one of my dear friends said a few words that summed up what this time means. He was explaining how in portraying the Colony of people that came before us, we ourselves have become our own colony of people, who are striving and working towards a momentous goal. "We have gotten ourselves into more than we expected, but became more than we ever expected to be."

Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye... I Mean See Ya Later...

Today is the day. My stuff is all crammed into Theressa... and by stuff I mean WAYY too much stuff, but hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Per usual to my traveling M.O. I still have a few things here and there that I need to pack up because I needed them to get ready this morning or I was just too tired from packing all the big stuff that I just left it to do thins morning. Even with the small amount still left to pack, I am sitting in the room I have grown up in, looking around wondering where all the time has gone.

This is not my first time leaving home, not by any stretch of the imagination. I have traveled all over the country and have had stints of living in many places, all by myself. I started this trend at the age of 16, so this is most certainly not a new sensation to me. This leaving home thing. For a while I didn't even acknowledge anywhere as home, but I think that everyone goes through that stage, however this trip home, this most unexpected time home, helped me rediscover my heart, and my love, and I think that may be why its so hard to break away this time.

I have spent the last three days saying goodbyes, and they all seem to be progressing in their intensity. I had to say Peace out to my lovely Ambie Bambi... Who I will miss terribly and love SO MUCH its retarded. She is one of the few friends that I have that supports me without jealousy and is my biggest fan all the way. I love you PHPA :) you better keep in touch while in Germany! I also said goodbye to my grandparents on Thursday, which while difficult because of how precious they are to me, it is a little easier to bid them farewell. A lot of our relationship is over the phone because of the distances I have traveled through the years, and this trip won't change that pattern. I know that they will always be here for me and the fact I have a job far away will not change that. I also said goodbye to the little boy I have been nannying for and his sweet mother. I will miss them terribly and I feel like I have become a part of their little family. I can't wait to come back and start working for them again. They are truly blessings in my life.

Then I had to say bye to my munchkins. This is the most horrible invention of all time. I can't type too much about it or the tears that involuntarily flow when I think about their beautiful hearts and sweet innocents will begin to flow. I sometimes feel like I am a bad sister, for coming and going out of their lives all the time to pursue this crazy dream of mine. I just have to remind myself that I am doing this for them too. I am setting the example for what it is to follow your heart and the will of Christ, not matter how hard it is and no matter how far away it may take you. I am so blessed to have them in my life, and I know that these tears are silly, because they would much rather me go away and be happy doing what I am made to do than stay here and waste my gifts.

Then there is Mommy. Man oh man. Over the years we have had our differences, and they have been big ones. However during my time home God did something miraculous. He wiped away the past and let us start over. We have both been striving to better ourselves on our own terms, and I think that we were both of the same mind that we need to improve the quality of life. I did that by leaving a toxic environment, she did that by getting healthy. I found my best friend again, and I really don't want to leave her. So in North Carolina you will all see me sitting anywhere there is free Internet skyping with my Ma and the kids. I love you all so very much, and I will see you soon.

I don't know why I am so nostalgic!! This is so very unlike me. I am violently independent, so I try not to get attached, but I've learned its OK to let people in your heart. I never and I mean NEVER get this way before a trip. So this is silly. I think it may be a combination of nerves, fear, and contentment. I can predict everything that happens here, yet I have NO idea what I am getting into. I am super excited, yet it's hard to know how to be excited because I don't know what's going to happen. I guess we are all going to find out rather quickly!! (I am going to post as MUCH as I can while I am down there, but they may be a bit more sparse :( not sure what the Internet situation will be or what my schedule looks like. I'll keep you posted!)

So. Off to North Carolina I go!! I am ready, and soon I will grab the keys to my car, pick up Dad, and hit the open road. One more adventure to add to my wonderful life, and I am so stoked to see what my life is going to blossom into because of this. So to all of you I am leaving for a while, I love you very much, and will see you later :)

"May the Lord keep watch between you and me while we are away from each other." Gen. 31:49

See What I Wanna See

I recently had to get glasses.To my dismay my perfect eyesight of 20/15 has dwindled but not too drastically. However when driving, I have a hard time seeing the road signs until I am right on top of them. Not being the most skilled driver of them all... OK I'm terrible.. but knowing this of myself I decided to do what I could to preserve the safety of myself and of those who have the misfortune of sharing the road with me. Surprisingly I like wearing glasses. It may be because I don't have to wear them all the time, but I now use them as somewhat of an accessory. They make me look smart, and anything that can aid in the outward hinting at my intelligence I am all for. However, the thing I like most about them is that they draw your eyes toward mine, which I consider my best feature. Green eyes are rare, so I want to flaunt them, but more than that, you can see my heart through them.

My friends and family tease me from time to time about the things I do. I am a unique person with funny quirks. I name everything, and have from the time I was a little girl. Last night while spending the night at my grandparent's house, I asked my Poppy the first thing he remembered me nicknaming. Pondered it for a moment, and then told me that it was his big blue farming tractor, aptly named "Blue Box Blue" after my favorite lunchtime meal, Kraft Mac and Cheese. However he quickly let me know that I was nick naming people far before I had moved onto things. As I thought about it, it was true. All the members of my family are called something different than anything I have ever heard in any other family, but that was just the way I saw them. For instance, My uncle is Bubby instead of his name proceeded by Uncle, and my Aunt is Appy instead of her name proceeded by Aunt.

This however is not the only thing the poke at me about. I can't keep my emotion off of my face. I do not subscribe to the famous words of Lady Gaga's hit which claim that you "can't read me poker face." I couldn't fake someone out even if I were trying. I have never been able to lie, nor have I been able to be conspicuous about my real thoughts toward any situation. Now I know that your immediate response is going to be "You're lying right now! You are an actor! You lie all the time!" If only I had a nickle for every time someone said that to me, I would throw it back at you and aim for your eye. First off, lying is not acting, nor is acting lying. If you are truly an actor, you are truly feeling the emotions in the context of the play, you just happen to be saying words that are pre written for you. You aren't pretending to feel. You are feeling. So it is possible to find a terrible liar and a working actor all contained in the same skin. In fact, you are reading about one. :)

While my face is expressive, it takes all cues from my eyes. Eyes are funny things. They can well up with physical tears and inanimate emotion. Many people say that the eyes are the window to the soul. While that may be true some of the time, a lot of the time con men and women use their eyes as their most effective tool to manipulate your soul. Such a situation presented itself in last nights episode of The Mentalist. A man was using the ever present power of they eye's ability to connect souls together to his mischievous gain. The detective responded to his feel good babble with "My eyes are not windows, doors or even keys for that matter. I use my eyes to see." While this caught my attention, and even prompted me to write it down on a loose envelope sitting on the end table next to me at the Creek House (my nick name for my grandparent's house since 1995) it didn't make me think about anything in particular. I wasn't until later when we were watching Driving Miss Daisy and I heard this, did I really begin to think. "How do you know how I can see unless you look though my eyes?"

I see things the way I want to. Call me a child, or a fool, but I look at the world though rose colored glasses sometimes. Now this doesn't mean that I am irresponsible and am oblivious to all reality, for that is the farthest thing from the truth. I am aware of what it costs to live and it costs more than money. I know what it is to push on even when you can't anymore. Sometime I lose my rose colored glasses, and the world is all black and white, facts and figures. However, when those rare moments come when I can put them on and still responsibly do what I do, you bet I'm gonna. So I am going to keep naming the things I love, leaving my poker face for someone else, and seeing what I want to see.

Romeo

Today I went out with my boyfriend. Wait... what? I'm sure you are all thinking, she just wrote a beautiful dissertation about being single just the other day, and already she's taken? It must have been an epic fairy tale of some kind, seeing as that's all she seems to go for these days. He probably read her blog, fell in love with her outlook on life, sense of humor and way with words. Her cute smile probably didn't hurt either. Then he called her up, and told her that even though she had been in front of his face all this time, he could see clearly now, the rain had gone. Without waiting for her reply he had to have rushed over to her house with a bouquet of flowers, swept her off her feet and awaited her answer in person. Being the sucker she is of course she said yes, and they rode off together in a mustang. The car. Not the horse. Her fear of horses would interfere with her happily ever after.

Well as much as I would like to tell you that that is exactly how it happened, and even correct you when you omit the details about my ball gown and glass slippers, that's not the case. My story might be better.

Today I spent the day with the most important man in my life. Carter James. My four year old brother. He was our very own little surprise, and everyone knows how I LOVE surprises. After we adopted my favorite little girl in the world, we found out that Mom was preggers. How did we know you ask? (besides the obvious) I caught her eating bacon. She is a vegetarian. Enough said.

So enters my baby boy. And man is he a boy though and though. He loves cars and trains and recently Mario cart. But the even cooler thing, is he acts like me. FINALLY! Someone who has my weird quirks. You don't have to entertain him one bit. He can sit in the same spot for hours with the same toy, in he case, trains, and create a world all his own around it. He even has his very own imaginary friend named Jack. Jack lives at his grandma and grandpa's house and looks like Carter. Exactly. But don't ever bring Jack up to him, it is a very sacred subject that is only breached by his initiation.

So neither one of use were feeling very well today, so we hung out at home with Mom.He woke me up by surprising me with 3 Hershey kisses he had hidden under a pair of shorts in my room and a big Cart James kiss. Later I sat in the recliner while I watch him play every game there is on the Wii Sport Resort. Not only did he play them, he mastered them. From time to time Mom had to leave and do grown up things like pick up faith and make lunches and things like that, but Carter and I were happy to stay where we were and eat peanut butter sandwiches and watch Curious George.

Throughout the day, even though he didn't feel well, and is much worse off than I am, he continuously checked on me. What I mean by this is he would ask me if I was feeling OK, tell me I was his favorite, that he loved me and that I am beautiful and gorgeous. Now most kids tell you they love you after you tell them you love them. They tell you that you are their favorite after you buy them a toy. They ask you if you are OK only if they want to deflect attention from themselves. And they only tell you that you are beutiful when you are all dressed up with somewhere to go. I tell my brother I love him all the time, but today he told me first. I give my brother things when I can, but he told me I was his favorite without a bribe. My brother from time to time wants to deflect, but today he asked if I was ok because he saw I wasn't feeling well. He even looked at me sitting on the couch, in my gray sweatpants, oversized camp t-shirt, and hair all a curly mess, and still called me beautiful. This is what women dream of in a handsome prince, including myself. I have been searching high and low for my Romeo, but he has been sleeping in the room next door all along. My baby has such a huge place in my heart that will only grow, which I can't even imagine, becuase of its size already. So for now, I am just fine, for I have pure love. Thanks little Romeo :)

Just a Day, Just an Ordinary Day

You know those days where you wake up and you just want to roll back over because you know nothing special is going to happen that day? Well that's me. Today and yesterday there has been nothing that I have been excited about. I have barely been motivated to get out of my PJ's, but as it is frowned upon to run errands in flannel sheep pants I have been forced to put on real clothes. On top of my un-eventful days, I feel terrible. I have pink eye in both eyes, which makes sleeping the day away that much more appealing, so that my eyes won't hurt. I also had a check up at the doctor's where they mashed all over my stomach. Rafael (my colon) was not at all pleased by the unwanted tampering and has decided to be rude today. And so it goes...

The past day and a half have been pretty routine. Had a few errands to run so I can wrap things up down here before my job in North Carolina. My car Theresa (For those of you who don't know me I name EVERYTHING) has been acting up YET AGAIN so she was getting fixed yesterday. It's starting to become a mad dash to the finish line, and the mundane things that I continue to put off are creeping up on me, and taunting me to get them finished. This is nothing new. Every time a go from one place to the next these little tasks gang up on me and become one giant one, daring me to continue to put it off.

Thus, I have been doing the mundane things of life. Running from here to there picking things up and dropping things off. It's the kind of things that are important until they are done, then after their completion they become obsolete. I prefer to spend my time doing things that make a difference after I have finished them, but being a big girl now I have to do things that I don't particularly want to do. No more sitting in a corner and hoping that it will resolve itself. Mom always encourages me by telling me that the small things I don't particularly care for are the things that get me to where I need to be. Just because she is right doesn't mean that I like it thus the vicious cycle continues.

I also have been trying to see the few people I stay in constant touch with before I leave. I saw my dad's half of the family on Sunday at the couple's extravaganza, and I plan to see Ambie sometime this week. Another good friend of mine caught me in a moment of weakness yesterday and I agreed to go hand out with her for a bit. What was supposed to be just a relaxing stop to chat quickly turned into a trek all across fort Myers. Which included meeting her new boyfriend. He is a nice guy that I had actually known through my first boyfriend. I don't even know if the real world would count him as a boyfriend because we were so young, but it Courtney Ville, that's how the story goes.

I actually had a good time. It was nice to see my friend, and I even had a good time with her new man friend. I have no problem putting up with people, making small talk, or easing awkward conversations, but I didn't have to do any of that which was nice. Even though I was a third wheel I didn't feel like it, which is a feat.

Because I have been feeling under the weather I have been watching a lot of mindless TV. Not even good mindless TV. Crap really. However, in all of it I was able to see a common thread. Everyone is trying to fill a void. On true life: I hate my face, two girls hated their self image so much that they had to continuously exploit their bodies to distract from their face. On even said "I don't know what to do. My body is all I have." This broke my heart!! What is the world coming to when a perfectly pretty girl ignores the fact that she has a mind and intelligence in her back pocket and relies solely on her body. She was filling her need for acceptance by demeaning herself to the point where someone would look her way. Also there was an older woman that was a hoarder. She lived in a five bedroom house, however was only able to live in one of them, because all of the others were packed from floor to ceiling with meaningless junk. To the average viewer, it was all trash, but to this woman, there was meaning behind every piece that occupied her home. She was filling her need for security by having tons of stuff. Even the people I ran into in the stores and the doctor's office, they were all there looking for something to fill a need. Whether it be a medication to make them feel better about themselves, or a new dress to impress someone else. We are all in search of something. Always. We always have to have somewhere to go, or somewhere to be or someone to become. Even the little errands that we have to do contribute to a need of some kind. I wish for that one day we could all just be content. That we could stop striving for the next thing, and live in the one we have. Just for a day. An Ordinary Day.

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. ~Albert Einstein

All The Single Ladies

Now put your hands up!! Ohp. Yep my hand is in the air. I'm just gonna put that right back down. Yes ladies and gents, I am single. I'm the girl that sits at a table for one, rents chick flicks to watch alone and secretly be jealous, and attends parties with my sassy gay friend instead of getting a real date. (Which in my opinion is so much more fun) At this stage in my life I feel like its a catch twenty two situation: I'm young, so why tie myself down, yet every where I look someone else is announcing their engagement or popping out another kid. Now I don't want any babies... I already have two (my brother and sister) and that is enough to last me well into this decade and beyond. However the marriage thing sounds kinda nice. I don't want it now, but I see it as a realistic fairytale, and that makes it seem intriguing. I know that the lot of you out there would love to grab me by my shoulders and give me a nice shake, telling me that marriage is anything but a fairy tale... but a girl can dream right?

Right now I consider myself a casual dater. I have never had a serious relationship, mostly because I haven't met anyone serious enough to have one with. I have been in love, but it was a terrible, one sided love extravaganza, and I most certainly wouldn't suggest it. It taught me a lot though, and it certainly showed me that I am worth tons more than I give myself credit for. So now I am back on the dating scene, and let me tell you, it is one bizarre place.

In high school I never dated. Ever. I went to homecoming in groups, and never went to prom. My sophomore year there was an older guy that I wanted to go with. We were really good friends and he was desperately trying to figure out who to go with. In a fit of courage I asked him why he couldn't just go with me... he told me I was the wrong dress size. So that kinda soured me on dances after that. Once out of high school however, I felt less oppressed. I was free from trying to smush myself into a mold I will never fit, and I embraced myself, and soon grew to love who I am. So I eased into the dating world.

I got lucky with the first one. He was a friend and a really great guy. We shared the same interests and genuinely had a good time together. However, down the line we saw that this could go no where, my heart is set on one path and his was set on another, and we were both racing to catch the next break. We still remain friends. When I moved into Cincinnati my need for a special someone went in to hyper drive, and I became a dating machine. Truthfully there were two reasons. The obvious one that I wanted to find someone to have a relationship with, and the second... to get a free meal every once in a while :/ I KNOW how terrible that sounds but its true.

So to say the least I had my fair share of awkward dates. One guy asked me to come to his dorm building and go to a dorm party with him. I was there for all of 15 minutes before I texted my sassy gay friend Spencer (Hey boo) and demanded he act as if he were dying so I could come home and watch Hercules with him. Lots of guys wanted to be sleezy and have me just come to their apartments or the even cheaper ones that wanted to come to mine. Needless to say that didn't happen. If I'm gonna stay in, I would rather do it alone or with someone I know SUPER well. I don't wanna make small talk in my own home.

However, there was one date, and it was the epic fail of all dates. I had been talking to this guy for a few weeks, and he seemed fantastic. He was funny, understanding, and could keep up with my pace, so I was all about it. He lived about twenty minutes away, and offered to drive down one Saturday so that we could go out. I was so excited. Just ask Spencer. All of our conversations swiftly shifted to what I thought of this guy, and drove Spencer nearly out of his mind. As usual, he chided me and told me not to get ahead of myself, and to just wait for the weekend.

Saturday came and so did my date. He met me at my place and he came upstairs for a minute. While asking him about his drive, he took my hand, turned it over and commenced to read my palm. Interrupting me (always a no no) he told me that I was going to have a long life, a static career but a successful one, and two and a half children. When I told him I thought we estimated up when counting children, he justified himself by telling me that I either adopt a child or have a miscarriage. WOW. OK. So now we move on to the car ride, where he commences to play TERRIBLE MUSIC which is like a criminal offense in my book. Music is my life, so you can see where the problem lies. He actually got offended when I wasn't deeply and emotionally moved by a crappy coral number. Ugh. Finally one good song that came on, he just wouldn't shut up about the girls voice. Then he commited blashphamy. He looked at me and said "Bet you can't do that." HA. I made the poor fool play it twice more so I could learn it and then gave a Tony award winning performance in the passenger seat of his crappy car. I think he fell in love. I however was just pleased to have proved my point. Then the icing on the cake. At dinner, something I said reminded him of his grandmother. His dead grandmother. His grandmother they pulled the plug on and commenced to live for four days. Oh, and he was crying. Actually let me make that sobbing. At dinner. Yep. It actually happened. Of course I sent Spencer the S.O.S. text which read much like, If you want to live call me now with a terrible ailment, and soon I was rid of the date from hell.

The reason I have been thinking about this today specifically is that I have been surrounded by couples all day long. Couples that have been together for half a century, and couples that have just started out. I didn't feel alone or anything like that, I mean goodness I was in a room full of people. However it made me think. I was surprised to see that I wasn't upset. I was just fine. This is the life I have chosen. Career first for now. Acting is no easy gig for one person, so to drag a relationship though it before you are established would be murder. Now this isn't to say that if something presents itself that I wouldn't go for it. I live for the moment. However, I'm not looking. So for now, I am just fine remaining a Single Lady :)

Nothing to Fear, but Fear Itself

Looking back on some of my posts, I realized something. Recently I have been demonstrating characteristics of a scaredy cat. Now, I really hate cats, and I hate being scared even more, so looking back on the over flow of my heart, it was slightly shocking to see that I had been implying hints of fear. In most respects, my actions have demonstrated just the very opposite of fear. I have ventured out on a path that most will, and actually have called foolish. I have my sights aimed high, so high in fact, that without my faith would be too high. However I have found solace and peace in my choices. Call me a fool, but you are only insulting the one who called me to step out in faith.

However, although my actions may be bold, my spirit has slipped into a bit of timidity. I am becoming aware of my wisdom in certain areas, and my innocents in others, and let me tell you, I make for an odd concoction. I am firm in the big things, yet unsteady in the trivial. I am stunned in my fearlessness to go, yet my anxiety to stay. I find that I am weird... which isn't a surprise to anyone else but myself.

Out of coincidence, or maybe not so but to me it is, Mom had checked out Max Lucado's new book Fearless. Max Lucado is without contest my favorite christian author, so of COURSE I had to snag it and read it before I left. He speaks the way my heart thinks, and keeps me focused right where he needs to be. At first I thought that I would breeze through this book without feeling convicted of any certain circumstance within its pages, because it was encouraging others to find boldness. I thought to myself "I am a free spirit, I come an go to where the work takes me, and jump at new opportunities. I am bold enough already." Soon though I noticed that I had earmarked several pages with points that touched my heart and made me say to myself "Self, this one is for you."

I have recently become very comfortable where I am. I am home, surrounded by those I love, recovering from being bombarded in every way a person can be beaten up. From broken hearts, to shifted dreams things have just been rapidly changing, and for a while I just needed a place to take cover for a time. It has been the first time in a long time that I have been comfortable here. From the time I entered my teens, I can remember fighting tooth and nail to get out of here. Funny how the tables have turned, because now that I have no problem staying, I have to go. Now I am not saying that I'm not ECSTATIC about North Carolina, because I most certainly am, but this sense of contentment in the place is foreign to me.

In the book, there is a section where Lucado is discussing the story of Jarius, the man who came to Jesus to heal his daughter. When Jesus makes it to the house, the little girl was already pronounced dead; they had arrived too late. However, Jesus said to them, she is not dead, she is only sleeping, the proceeded to enter the house and "Took her by the hand and called saying, 'Little girl, arise'. Then her spirit returned, and she rose immediately. I know that this isn't meant to be interpreted metaphorically for it really happened, but to me it took on a symbolic meaning. My my made the connection on its own to another verse in Deuteronomy which says "Rise up and journey on, for you have been here long enough."

This got my minds wheels turning. I felt that that little girl was me when I was in circumstances that I shouldn't have been in. When I prayed long and hard about if I should go or if I should stay it was as if God was saying to me 'Little girl, arise' Since my departure my spirit had been revived and so has my confidence, but I have been complacent with it. Not only do I feel that I am to 'Rise up and journey on' from my home, but I am to move on from the hurt, and the pain and the worry I have been tossing to the side as if it didn't exist. I need to walk away, not let it sit beside me while I pretend to ignore it.

This is scary. While I am confident, my nerves still exist in the dark of night. However, I know realize that my "bold enough" isn't good enough, and I need to buckle my seat belt, because fear has another thing coming.

The reason we are told to fear nothing but fear itself is not because it is a good contender, but because it has the capability to appear bigger that what it is. It's as if we are looking at it though the side mirror of a car. Fear allows you to distort itself to its advantage, and we become the casualty. Curious about the entire address that FDR gave at his inauguration, I looked it up. I had always thought that the famous line was the conclusion to the speech, but I was quickly corrected when I saw that it was one of the very first sentences that he spoke as President, which made them even more radical in my heart than they were before. "This is preeminently the time to speak the truth, the whole truth, frankly and boldly. Nor need we shrink from honestly facing conditions in our country today. This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

Just a sensible break down... and other things

Today was one of those days when you look back on all the advice that you have given to others in such confidence, and realize you should heed it yourself. Here I have been talking about not worrying, yet today I let it get the best of me. Certain circumstances arose today that I don't want to discuss on here as they are too detailed, but just know that even in their specificity they are rooted in the general worry for survival... You know, grown up stuff.

After several phone calls today and trying to make several different attempts at possible schemes to remedy things, I began to cry. Not like the ugly cry where your face gets contorted, your breathing gets labored and your words become in-audible, just the kind of tears that make your face wet and you feel silly. In my defense, I think part of the reason the tears came was because in a violent attempt to remedy this awful sleep cycle I have been finding myself in I took an herbal sleep medication. I think it may have set my emotions on edge, because I noticed I was easily irritated and very tunnel visioned. Now that I am typing this, it may have even magnified my stress a bit, which caused the extreme emotions to make an appearance. Never the less, there I was, sitting in my Poppy's lazy boy recliner with my cell phone in my hands with tears streaming down my face.

I felt to silly and ashamed! I knew that God would take care of me, and He had even had the graciousness of showing me that through his word only a few days ago. Being the stubborn child I am however, I have just continued on my road of carrying my own burdens and suffering for it.

I now understand why the bible says that you cannot serve both God and money. It takes a lot, and I mean A LOT of energy stressing about having the money to take care of yourself. I know that there are so many people out there that have lost their jobs and have families to support as well. My heart and prayers are with you, because its driving me nuts just worrying about myself, much less a family. I cannot even fathom what that must be, and I pray to God that I never have to.

The funny thing it, most of what was causing me so much anxiety was in fact a misunderstanding. The numbers had been misconstrued and the actual amount needed was MUCH smaller than the one I had been quoted before. After a sensible talk with my mama, my Gema and Pop's I headed out to meet my Nana for some much needed retail therapy, and made out like a bandit.

When I got home I realized that the only way I could really have some peace was to go to the word. Even though I have known these verses since childhood, tonight new life was breathed into them, and they became a blanket on comfort that I could hide under for a bit.

"Do not fear for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy one of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:1b-3a

"Keep your lives free from the love of money, and be content with what you have; for he has said "I will never leave you nor forsake you" So we can say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can anyone do to me?" Hebrews 13:5-6

"Cast all your anxiety on Him, for he cares for you. Discipline yourselves, keep alert... And after you have suffered a little while, the God of grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will restore, support, straighten, and establish himself to you." 1 Peter 5:7-10

Enough of being a nervous Nelly, on to MUCH more exciting things. In just over a week I am heading to my acting job in North Carolina!!! YAY!! Even thought it isn't my first professional gig, it is my longest which I think is pretty cool. My contract is for four months, and we do six shows a week. Depending on how casting goes I may be involved with more than one show, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. I am SO crazy excited to get started and feel so blessed to be able to do one of the things I know I was created to do. I know it's going to be a lot of hard work, but really there much out there worth while that isn't. I love working obsessively on a show and then reaping the benefits once the show is on its feet. It's one of the greatest feelings there is to know that you have the capability to touch some one's life by doing what you love.

I wish that I could tell you more about what I am going to be doing, but so far I'm kinda in the dark myself. I know all of the logistical things that I need to know in order to survive there and have a brief over view of what I signed my life away to, but other that that I am amiss. I think it's part of the atmosphere of the company though. Some are like that. They want to play everything closer to the chest. That's actually the way I prefer it. You have to keep a little mystery right??

So that was my day. Full of girly ups and down and all arounds. Good things are just around the corner... so now that my little sensible break down is out of the way, we can move onto better and brighter things :)

Wonder Woman

So in this process of growing up I have noticed something interesting. Parent's aren't super heroes. They are regular human beings that disappoint, make mistakes, and say harsh things. The shift from seeing my mom as Wonder Woman to just a normal person has been a really hard one, but ultimately a necessary one. People always tell me you can't believe in fairy tales forever, and as much as I fight it, I know they are right.

When I was younger, I always said I was my mom on the outside and my dad on the inside. My dad and I shared a very thick layer or sarcasm and seemingly had the same view on things... cynical. My mom was much more analytical and planned. I am my mother's very own carbon copy, and when we are out in public we ALWAYS without fail get told that we are sisters. I told her one day that if someone tells me that I am the older one I am going to have a mental break down. Luckily for the both of us, that hasn't happened yet. Crazier things have happened though and I wouldn't put it past the world to play such a cruel prank on me.

In the heat of my teenage years, I can ashamedly remember saying that I didn't want to be like my mom. She was too uptight and willing to compromise, while all I wanted to be was a free spirit with no ties. It is no secret that mom's and daughters fight during that time, but throw a new house, and two new additions to the family in the mix and you have a disaster on your hands.

Then, I got sick. Wonder Woman was back. For four solid years my mom was the singular source of deep emotional support, while my dad was the stronghold of the finances. Without the thousands of hours my dad has worked I know that I wouldn't be in the health I am today. My mom never left my side. From city to city we traveled searching for the answer and I was so so grateful to have her there with me. Even to this day she gives me the injections I need to stay healthy. Who else would do that? I have my very own super hero.

I'm sure you are wondering why I am writing this sappy ode to my mom seemingly out of nowhere. While it is sappy, it is not without cause. Mom and I got the chance to spend some time together one on one tonight for the first time in months. We went to the mall and of course didn't spend any money at all... yeah right... and then settled on going to dinner at crisper's. (That place is delicious by the way.. it was my first time)

Tonight I was more relaxed than I have been in weeks and laughed harder than I have in months. I for once didn't have to entertain anyone or put on a show or even make small talk. In out few hours together I noticed, not only am I my mom on the outside, I am my mom through and through. Even though she may not get to be Wonder Woman all the time, she isn't just a regular person... she's my best friend. Even Wonder Woman couldn't be Wonder Woman all the time. She had a regular job, friends and a family outside of her supernatural life. Now I know that you aren't supposed to reveal a super hero's identity, but sorry Mom the cats out of the bag. I may be gone for a while, but that doesn't mean that things have to change. I love you with all my heart, and wouldn't be who I am without you. You are simply the best. :)

Do Not Worry?? Oh... Ok I guess...

Lately, specifically today, I have been doing one of the very things that I strive not to do. Worry. Since I have recently become a big girl, I am now greeted by big girl choices. No more are the days of learning how to tie my shoes or having mommy wake me up in the morning with fresh baked cinnamon roles and a fond farewell off to school. Ok maybe my mommy still wakes me up from time to time but that's not the point. The point is that I willingly stepped outside of the wonderful umbrella you can stay under as a student and charged out so I could be independent. Key word being willing. WILLINGLY I jumped out from under my parents support, and happily so. Now I'm not saying that I regret my decision to no longer be a student, that's the last thing I want you to think. I have never been happier about where my life is and the possibility of where it's headed. However I am second guessing the whole grown up thing. In my head I am perpetually twelve years old, sitting in my room in my PJ's surrounded by coloring books filled with Disney princesses and watching the pixar movie cars. For me that's an ideal day. Not going to work at a nine to five, sitting in a cubicle and having someone else determine that my time is worth nine dollars an hour. Lucky for me it hasn't come to that, and I have been fortunate to have great jobs with great people that I enjoy going to every day. However, just because I am fond of my jobs, does not mean that I am fond of the idea that I am old enough to have one. And so the vicious cycle continues...

I think this all began when I started looking at my bank account... scary business I know, but it has to be done. While I have been home for the time in between when I left school and the start of my acting contract in North Carolina (which starts in a 2ish weeks. YES!!! more to come on that.) I have been doing all the work that has come my way. My dad (hey daddy, love you) set me up with a wonderful temp agency, which was the biggest help in the world. From that I worked a legit job at a chocolate factory (call me Lucy y'all) for about a week and got a pretty good sum of money after that. I have also been nannying for the owner of the temp agency every Saturday which has also really helped. Every few days I waffle in between the notion that I have enough money and I will be fine, to I am never going to survive and I will run out of money the first week I am in NC. We don't get our paychecks until about the 3rd week of employment, and while that's fair, its a huge source of anxiety for me, and I struggle with that from time to time.

Noticing my funk, my mom alerted me that my babies were singing in church tonight, and that I should come. Grateful for the distraction I got ready, and headed out to watch the kids do the one thing I love. Sing. When I got there I saw that my Pop's, Pawpa, and Nana were there, which made me even happier that I had ventured out of the house. Soon My little ones were on stage, and I was shocked by the joy that overflowed out of my heart. My little brother was on the back row, smiling, singing and waving simultaneously while my normally hyper active sister did the motions perfectly and sang every word on cue. I soon noticed that I was smiling so big that my cheeks were cramping up. It was the best thing I have been apart of in such a long time, and I am soooo glad that I went. Before they exited the stage my brother looked at me, puckered his lips, and mouthed I love you straight to me before he walked off stage. My heart literally melted. I will hold that in my heart forever.

Per usual the message followed the singing, and I sat beside my Pop's and listened to the sermon. To be transparent, my mind drifted back to my worries, and soon I was trapped in the vortex once more of anxiety and pressure. However, halfway through the sermon, Pastor Russel mentioned that God rules the nations, yet feeds the birds, and it's all the same to him. In the scheme of eternity, size doesn't matter, and nations and birds become just about the same size. Knowing my scripture, I knew that he was referencing Matthew 6, the chapter that commands of us not to worry. Knowing in my spirit that this reference was meant for me, I looked up the reference as soon as I came home.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns,(or in my case banks) and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about your clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after these things, and your heavenly father knows you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own."

Well. Hey there. That hit my right where I thought I needed it, and even harder where I thought I didn't. I worry about what I wear, my body image, where my next paycheck is coming from... and it's all new to me. Sure I had worried about things before, like my health and where the next treatment was coming from and things like that, but that is a different kind of worry. In those circumstances I felt that there were no choices, and I had to just keep going no matter the cost. The funny thing is I realize now, that my current worries are identical to the worries I had faced before. I just have to keep moving no matter the cost. It's just like Pastor said tonight, size doesn't matter when looking through the eyes of Christ. My worries are all of the same value to Him. So I am just going to keep tying my shoes and counting to ten and coloring my way through. By no means am I not going to push forward, but I am only going to push as far as my means allow, and the rest... well.. that's up to Daddy.