Tuesday, July 31, 2012
So I know that I have been off the grid for a while. At least as far as this goes. I still and will always frequent facebook because let's face it, who isn't ADDICTED to facebook??? But lately it has been easier for me to post a funny sentence about something I have seen on TV. or a snarky comment about my two puppies waking me up at 6am in the morning because they want to play with mommy. This is a horse of a different color. To me, this is sacred ground where I try and be honest and insightful or whatever I think the inspiring mood of that day is. And I haven't been willing to share this part of my life with you. Until now.
To start as usual things have OBVIOUSLY changed for me. They always do. Le sigh. But some of this change is really exciting and new to me. And it's permanent. GASP!
I've moved. AGAIN. I know this last time I said that it was the last time too. But this is REALLY the last time. Going against my usual pattern of movement I have not uprooted. I did not move across the country chasing another show, another paycheck, and another long lost dream. I simply moved across town. Why go to all the trouble you ask?? Let's just say, I've found a roomie that I would like to keep forever. (And yes, the afore mentioned puppies came with the roomie!!) I am walking on sunshine. Floating on cloud nine. Basically you can insert any mushy gushy makes you want to throw up your chocolate chip waffles that you ate for breakfast (true life) cliché about love here and I'll agree with you. I don't want to share too much, because hey, a girl has to keep a little mystery about her, but what I can say is this. What I have gained within the walls of my new home I didn't think existed. I am better for it. And I wouldn't change my decision for anything in this world.
So now that we have all the light and fluffy stuff out of the way, there have also been some not so great and not so planned events that have recently occurred. My health has taken a downward turn recently and I have had to change a lot of things in my life. Which at first was very difficult for me. I know that I have been very cryptic in many of my past posts about having some sort of ailment but have never voiced publically what I have. This is because until this point in my life I thought that if I told people what I was going through, that I would be punished for it. That it would hold me back. But now I see that the only thing holding me back is my own choices and the consequences that follow. So here goes nothing. Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make....
Deep Breathe. Heart Racing. I think I want to puke!!!!!!
I have Crohn's Disease.
Wow. There it is. In black and white with my blinking little curser behind it. I'm not quite sure what this means now other than that if anyone other than my mom is reading this you now know something very vulnerable to me. And you know what. It feels kind of good. Really good actually. I haven't felt this good in years.
Why now? You may be asking yourselves this as you read this very sudden declaration of my inner most life. Well its because it's the only thing I have left in my way. Somewhere in the last few years I lost that girl that stood behind all of her brazen decisions due to the large amount of people yelling in my ears that I have and always will be wrong. This is the last thing that is standing between my freedom and me. I know it sounds very melodramatic, and maybe it is. But it's the only way I can describe it. I have taken this time away from my job, from you and from my life in a way to take care of some things that should have been dealt with long ago. Most is too private to go into detail but it was some very intimate things that I had to come to terms with in terms of my past. Mentally and physically. I have been working so hard at releasing the need for approval from you, that I was being choked by my own standards I had set forth for myself. I have been my worst enemy. In many ways I have subconsciously set the bar much too high for myself and then had the audacity to be ashamed of myself when it all fell apart. I am seeing now that I may not be able to work a 60-hour week. And that's ok. I may not be able to have the exact same position I once held at my company. But I can have one that is just as important that doesn't cause as much stress. I have even spoken about this to my boss. And she agrees. Because I admitted to myself that I do have limits, when I go back it seems I will have a better job than what I could have even thought up while I was pushing papers and dodging crisis after crisis in April.
The other reason is because I am taking a risk. I want to write about my Crohn's in the hopes that it will help someone either understand the disease or to be able to relate to someone on the other side of the screen that is going through what I am going through. In the last month I have been more open in my personal life about my diagnosis than I ever have been. And what I found is that there are increasingly more people that I am meeting that actually have it as well. Just a year ago I thought I was all-alone. But now in the last two months I have met or heard of at least half a dozen that share this same condition. And I want to help. I want to make a difference. Or else I just don't think I will come out to be the person I would like to be on the other side of this.
So my first step is this. If you have a few minutes, take a look at , or . So many people have this disease and are searching for cures but have no diagnosis to enable them to find treatment. I would not be surprised if you knew at least one person with this condition. (Besides me of course!!) The reason that so many people hide that they have this is because it's embarrassing. You lose so much control over your own digestive process that it is just too much to admit much less talk about. My second offer is this. If you have this, think you have it, or know someone who does and don't know what to do or how to talk about it... reach out to me. I would be more than happy to recommend a doctor if that’s what you are looking for. But even more than that I could help alleviate some of the emotional fall out that may occur within families and friends that so often occurs with such a final diagnosis. I've been just about everywhere in this country to get treatment and heard just about every prognosis that can be given. In order to trust me on this, I feel I need to validate my expertise. Which is exactly why I am writing a book about this. Really. Keep me accountable. I have lived with this condition since 2006 and plan to do so for a very very long time. Soon you will have my whole story. But for now take a chance on my story and me. I promise you won't regret it.