Thursday, March 22, 2012
Much easier said then done... especially for someone who stands at a mere 5'2" on a "tall" day. However, it's something I have been told to do my whole life. When you are standing in line as a kindergartner learning how to "follow the leader" you are propositioned to "straighten up." When you are a teenager learning how to wear heels for the first time to a big even you are told to "stop hunching over." In college when you are making a huge presentation to the board of your division you are told to "Stop Slouching." When you are finally a big girl living in a big girl world doing the job of a very big girl you are told to "Stand tall. If you see yourself as small, so will everyone else." So here I stand, miniature and all, trying to figure out exactly how to make my munchkin self feel taller.
A lot can happen in a year. At least this is something that my boss reminds me of almost every single day. And every day I stop what I'm doing, reflect for a minute and silently agree with her. A lot can happen in a year. A lot DID happen in a year. I have made some decisions that I know have forever altered the course of my journey. At this moment I am not going to cast my vote as to whether I "made the right choice" or not... simply because I don't know yet. I have officially decided to step away from theatre for a bit. I don't know for how long, but I do know that it is something that must be done for myself. Don't get me wrong it will always have a special place in my heart, but sometimes when you grow up, your dreams change a little bit. And that is exactly what has happened to me. My dreams have changed, and I don't see anything wrong with that at all.
So in light of this profound movement in my life, I have had to make many many MANY adjustments. First I had to get a job. Which oddly enough was I think the easiest part. And even MORE odd is that I am so crazy in love with what I do. I work for a wonderful company owned by a very independent, very eccentric woman who one minute makes you want to cry, and the next minute has you wanting to be just like her. I am putting my servant's heart to good use as my main objective every single day is to find work for those who have trouble finding work for themselves. I deal with hundreds of people on a daily basis and simply have to remember that I am actually making a noticeable difference. My position is a little unique as I do a little bit of everything, and really kind of have my finger in every single aspect of the place. Because of this, I carry a lot of weight with the company. I am needed. I am necessary. I deal with people two to three times my age in the form of a supervisor. And that is terrifying to me. The little girl that lives inside of me is freaking out over this. I'm not sure if I am ready for this, but as life doesn't usually wait for you I've got to catch up. Stand up. Shoulders back and head held high.
Also since I am now a part of "corporate America" I now keep a normal person's schedule. I work during the day! I never thought it would happen lol. But because of this I have begun to be able to expand my horizons a little bit. I have been able to spend more much needed time with my family. I have been able to see my friend. I have also been able to date. And to fall in love. Yes ladies and gentlemen the impossible has occurred. I am no longer on the market. This cynical little brat has discovered that in fact chivalry isn't dead... it's just endangered. I have got myself a fella that just makes everything so much better. Honestly though, besides all the I love you's and they Oh my goodness they are so cute I want to puke moments, I have really learned something. I do have value. I am worth being loved. I can stand up straight because not only do I do something to be proud of, I AM someone to be proud of... and that is something entirely new for me.
Every morning I wake up and the first thing I do is walk to the bathroom counter and brush my teeth. For years I never looked in the mirror while I did this. I didn't want to see myself at least until after I had showered, but usually after my hair was blow dried. However, today when I was getting ready, I looked in the mirror. For the first time in my whole entire life I didn't shrink away from what I saw. I didn't think about how I need a hair cut or that I have a bad break out or that I'm fat or that I wish I were someone different. I looked in the mirror and actually thought that I was pretty. That I was worth something. And maybe, just maybe, I looked a little taller. Not by much, but just a little bit. This crazy life of mine has taken me to places I never dreamed I would go, and I can't say that I mind it. I am beyond blessed with a joy that I never had a year ago. Yes I have some flaws, but those flaws are what allow me to shine in other ways that I never thought I would be able to. So every day I am going to continue to wear my platform heels, but know in my heart that I can now and always feel six feet tall.