Monday, August 8, 2011

Hold My Heart

My phone won't ring. It's dead now, but even before then, my silly little smart phone wouldn't ring. I feel that if it were actually smart like it thinks it is, it would fake a little ring here and there to maybe give me some hope. But no matter how long I stared at it, questioned it, scolded it, and maybe even yelled at it, that bothersome little green light refused to wink at me, alerting me that someone had reached out.

Every time my phone lights up unexpectedly with a text or a call, I whisper to myself "oh somebody loves me!" I had never thought that I actually measured caring this way, but today, when no one called, I realized that I do in fact judge caring on communication. That if someone can take the time to just check in and see how I am and actually wait around for a response, they must care. And if they don't, then they are void of emotion for me... and I don't think that's a fair currency.

People pay for life in different ways. Some people pay for their life with money. By showing you that they can financially provide for themselves, you, and even be a little ostentatious with their funds, they are somehow proving that they deserve you. Some people pay for life with their time. That by sharing their time with you and making the conscious effort to live life in tandem with yours, even for just a few hours, proves that they have dedicated some portion of their heart to you. Others pay for life by intimacy. That if they can share that deeply with you and you can do the same for them then they have accomplished telling you just how much you mean to them without having to use their words. While all of these currencies are important, just like the quarter and the nickle and the dime, I feel like the dollar bills of life are words. There is nothing like paying for your life and being taken seriously simply by your words. Too often in life we feel that we can just do do do and never say because hey "actions speak louder than words." and while that may be true, actions are nothing if you are mute.

Words have the potential to be full of power, yet in this day and age we have emptied them of all meaning. However we simultaneously know that if we actually utter what we feel in our hearts, that actually makes what's in there real. And what happens if what you thought was a two way street as far as feelings go, turns out to be just a dirt road in the woods once you actually admit to your intentions? As for me, at this point in my life, I would much rather find out that what I thought was a super highway of a relationship is in fact a bike path, because at least then I am demonstrating that I know the value of not only my words, but my heart. That is something that is invaluable in this world. To know the value of my heart.

So as I look at the phone, or wait for facebook alerts, or check my email, I know that the ones that matter most will reach out. And that maybe someday someone will figure out just how to hold my heart.