See What I Wanna See

I recently had to get glasses.To my dismay my perfect eyesight of 20/15 has dwindled but not too drastically. However when driving, I have a hard time seeing the road signs until I am right on top of them. Not being the most skilled driver of them all... OK I'm terrible.. but knowing this of myself I decided to do what I could to preserve the safety of myself and of those who have the misfortune of sharing the road with me. Surprisingly I like wearing glasses. It may be because I don't have to wear them all the time, but I now use them as somewhat of an accessory. They make me look smart, and anything that can aid in the outward hinting at my intelligence I am all for. However, the thing I like most about them is that they draw your eyes toward mine, which I consider my best feature. Green eyes are rare, so I want to flaunt them, but more than that, you can see my heart through them.

My friends and family tease me from time to time about the things I do. I am a unique person with funny quirks. I name everything, and have from the time I was a little girl. Last night while spending the night at my grandparent's house, I asked my Poppy the first thing he remembered me nicknaming. Pondered it for a moment, and then told me that it was his big blue farming tractor, aptly named "Blue Box Blue" after my favorite lunchtime meal, Kraft Mac and Cheese. However he quickly let me know that I was nick naming people far before I had moved onto things. As I thought about it, it was true. All the members of my family are called something different than anything I have ever heard in any other family, but that was just the way I saw them. For instance, My uncle is Bubby instead of his name proceeded by Uncle, and my Aunt is Appy instead of her name proceeded by Aunt.

This however is not the only thing the poke at me about. I can't keep my emotion off of my face. I do not subscribe to the famous words of Lady Gaga's hit which claim that you "can't read me poker face." I couldn't fake someone out even if I were trying. I have never been able to lie, nor have I been able to be conspicuous about my real thoughts toward any situation. Now I know that your immediate response is going to be "You're lying right now! You are an actor! You lie all the time!" If only I had a nickle for every time someone said that to me, I would throw it back at you and aim for your eye. First off, lying is not acting, nor is acting lying. If you are truly an actor, you are truly feeling the emotions in the context of the play, you just happen to be saying words that are pre written for you. You aren't pretending to feel. You are feeling. So it is possible to find a terrible liar and a working actor all contained in the same skin. In fact, you are reading about one. :)

While my face is expressive, it takes all cues from my eyes. Eyes are funny things. They can well up with physical tears and inanimate emotion. Many people say that the eyes are the window to the soul. While that may be true some of the time, a lot of the time con men and women use their eyes as their most effective tool to manipulate your soul. Such a situation presented itself in last nights episode of The Mentalist. A man was using the ever present power of they eye's ability to connect souls together to his mischievous gain. The detective responded to his feel good babble with "My eyes are not windows, doors or even keys for that matter. I use my eyes to see." While this caught my attention, and even prompted me to write it down on a loose envelope sitting on the end table next to me at the Creek House (my nick name for my grandparent's house since 1995) it didn't make me think about anything in particular. I wasn't until later when we were watching Driving Miss Daisy and I heard this, did I really begin to think. "How do you know how I can see unless you look though my eyes?"

I see things the way I want to. Call me a child, or a fool, but I look at the world though rose colored glasses sometimes. Now this doesn't mean that I am irresponsible and am oblivious to all reality, for that is the farthest thing from the truth. I am aware of what it costs to live and it costs more than money. I know what it is to push on even when you can't anymore. Sometime I lose my rose colored glasses, and the world is all black and white, facts and figures. However, when those rare moments come when I can put them on and still responsibly do what I do, you bet I'm gonna. So I am going to keep naming the things I love, leaving my poker face for someone else, and seeing what I want to see.

Romeo

Today I went out with my boyfriend. Wait... what? I'm sure you are all thinking, she just wrote a beautiful dissertation about being single just the other day, and already she's taken? It must have been an epic fairy tale of some kind, seeing as that's all she seems to go for these days. He probably read her blog, fell in love with her outlook on life, sense of humor and way with words. Her cute smile probably didn't hurt either. Then he called her up, and told her that even though she had been in front of his face all this time, he could see clearly now, the rain had gone. Without waiting for her reply he had to have rushed over to her house with a bouquet of flowers, swept her off her feet and awaited her answer in person. Being the sucker she is of course she said yes, and they rode off together in a mustang. The car. Not the horse. Her fear of horses would interfere with her happily ever after.

Well as much as I would like to tell you that that is exactly how it happened, and even correct you when you omit the details about my ball gown and glass slippers, that's not the case. My story might be better.

Today I spent the day with the most important man in my life. Carter James. My four year old brother. He was our very own little surprise, and everyone knows how I LOVE surprises. After we adopted my favorite little girl in the world, we found out that Mom was preggers. How did we know you ask? (besides the obvious) I caught her eating bacon. She is a vegetarian. Enough said.

So enters my baby boy. And man is he a boy though and though. He loves cars and trains and recently Mario cart. But the even cooler thing, is he acts like me. FINALLY! Someone who has my weird quirks. You don't have to entertain him one bit. He can sit in the same spot for hours with the same toy, in he case, trains, and create a world all his own around it. He even has his very own imaginary friend named Jack. Jack lives at his grandma and grandpa's house and looks like Carter. Exactly. But don't ever bring Jack up to him, it is a very sacred subject that is only breached by his initiation.

So neither one of use were feeling very well today, so we hung out at home with Mom.He woke me up by surprising me with 3 Hershey kisses he had hidden under a pair of shorts in my room and a big Cart James kiss. Later I sat in the recliner while I watch him play every game there is on the Wii Sport Resort. Not only did he play them, he mastered them. From time to time Mom had to leave and do grown up things like pick up faith and make lunches and things like that, but Carter and I were happy to stay where we were and eat peanut butter sandwiches and watch Curious George.

Throughout the day, even though he didn't feel well, and is much worse off than I am, he continuously checked on me. What I mean by this is he would ask me if I was feeling OK, tell me I was his favorite, that he loved me and that I am beautiful and gorgeous. Now most kids tell you they love you after you tell them you love them. They tell you that you are their favorite after you buy them a toy. They ask you if you are OK only if they want to deflect attention from themselves. And they only tell you that you are beutiful when you are all dressed up with somewhere to go. I tell my brother I love him all the time, but today he told me first. I give my brother things when I can, but he told me I was his favorite without a bribe. My brother from time to time wants to deflect, but today he asked if I was ok because he saw I wasn't feeling well. He even looked at me sitting on the couch, in my gray sweatpants, oversized camp t-shirt, and hair all a curly mess, and still called me beautiful. This is what women dream of in a handsome prince, including myself. I have been searching high and low for my Romeo, but he has been sleeping in the room next door all along. My baby has such a huge place in my heart that will only grow, which I can't even imagine, becuase of its size already. So for now, I am just fine, for I have pure love. Thanks little Romeo :)

Just a Day, Just an Ordinary Day

You know those days where you wake up and you just want to roll back over because you know nothing special is going to happen that day? Well that's me. Today and yesterday there has been nothing that I have been excited about. I have barely been motivated to get out of my PJ's, but as it is frowned upon to run errands in flannel sheep pants I have been forced to put on real clothes. On top of my un-eventful days, I feel terrible. I have pink eye in both eyes, which makes sleeping the day away that much more appealing, so that my eyes won't hurt. I also had a check up at the doctor's where they mashed all over my stomach. Rafael (my colon) was not at all pleased by the unwanted tampering and has decided to be rude today. And so it goes...

The past day and a half have been pretty routine. Had a few errands to run so I can wrap things up down here before my job in North Carolina. My car Theresa (For those of you who don't know me I name EVERYTHING) has been acting up YET AGAIN so she was getting fixed yesterday. It's starting to become a mad dash to the finish line, and the mundane things that I continue to put off are creeping up on me, and taunting me to get them finished. This is nothing new. Every time a go from one place to the next these little tasks gang up on me and become one giant one, daring me to continue to put it off.

Thus, I have been doing the mundane things of life. Running from here to there picking things up and dropping things off. It's the kind of things that are important until they are done, then after their completion they become obsolete. I prefer to spend my time doing things that make a difference after I have finished them, but being a big girl now I have to do things that I don't particularly want to do. No more sitting in a corner and hoping that it will resolve itself. Mom always encourages me by telling me that the small things I don't particularly care for are the things that get me to where I need to be. Just because she is right doesn't mean that I like it thus the vicious cycle continues.

I also have been trying to see the few people I stay in constant touch with before I leave. I saw my dad's half of the family on Sunday at the couple's extravaganza, and I plan to see Ambie sometime this week. Another good friend of mine caught me in a moment of weakness yesterday and I agreed to go hand out with her for a bit. What was supposed to be just a relaxing stop to chat quickly turned into a trek all across fort Myers. Which included meeting her new boyfriend. He is a nice guy that I had actually known through my first boyfriend. I don't even know if the real world would count him as a boyfriend because we were so young, but it Courtney Ville, that's how the story goes.

I actually had a good time. It was nice to see my friend, and I even had a good time with her new man friend. I have no problem putting up with people, making small talk, or easing awkward conversations, but I didn't have to do any of that which was nice. Even though I was a third wheel I didn't feel like it, which is a feat.

Because I have been feeling under the weather I have been watching a lot of mindless TV. Not even good mindless TV. Crap really. However, in all of it I was able to see a common thread. Everyone is trying to fill a void. On true life: I hate my face, two girls hated their self image so much that they had to continuously exploit their bodies to distract from their face. On even said "I don't know what to do. My body is all I have." This broke my heart!! What is the world coming to when a perfectly pretty girl ignores the fact that she has a mind and intelligence in her back pocket and relies solely on her body. She was filling her need for acceptance by demeaning herself to the point where someone would look her way. Also there was an older woman that was a hoarder. She lived in a five bedroom house, however was only able to live in one of them, because all of the others were packed from floor to ceiling with meaningless junk. To the average viewer, it was all trash, but to this woman, there was meaning behind every piece that occupied her home. She was filling her need for security by having tons of stuff. Even the people I ran into in the stores and the doctor's office, they were all there looking for something to fill a need. Whether it be a medication to make them feel better about themselves, or a new dress to impress someone else. We are all in search of something. Always. We always have to have somewhere to go, or somewhere to be or someone to become. Even the little errands that we have to do contribute to a need of some kind. I wish for that one day we could all just be content. That we could stop striving for the next thing, and live in the one we have. Just for a day. An Ordinary Day.

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. ~Albert Einstein

All The Single Ladies

Now put your hands up!! Ohp. Yep my hand is in the air. I'm just gonna put that right back down. Yes ladies and gents, I am single. I'm the girl that sits at a table for one, rents chick flicks to watch alone and secretly be jealous, and attends parties with my sassy gay friend instead of getting a real date. (Which in my opinion is so much more fun) At this stage in my life I feel like its a catch twenty two situation: I'm young, so why tie myself down, yet every where I look someone else is announcing their engagement or popping out another kid. Now I don't want any babies... I already have two (my brother and sister) and that is enough to last me well into this decade and beyond. However the marriage thing sounds kinda nice. I don't want it now, but I see it as a realistic fairytale, and that makes it seem intriguing. I know that the lot of you out there would love to grab me by my shoulders and give me a nice shake, telling me that marriage is anything but a fairy tale... but a girl can dream right?

Right now I consider myself a casual dater. I have never had a serious relationship, mostly because I haven't met anyone serious enough to have one with. I have been in love, but it was a terrible, one sided love extravaganza, and I most certainly wouldn't suggest it. It taught me a lot though, and it certainly showed me that I am worth tons more than I give myself credit for. So now I am back on the dating scene, and let me tell you, it is one bizarre place.

In high school I never dated. Ever. I went to homecoming in groups, and never went to prom. My sophomore year there was an older guy that I wanted to go with. We were really good friends and he was desperately trying to figure out who to go with. In a fit of courage I asked him why he couldn't just go with me... he told me I was the wrong dress size. So that kinda soured me on dances after that. Once out of high school however, I felt less oppressed. I was free from trying to smush myself into a mold I will never fit, and I embraced myself, and soon grew to love who I am. So I eased into the dating world.

I got lucky with the first one. He was a friend and a really great guy. We shared the same interests and genuinely had a good time together. However, down the line we saw that this could go no where, my heart is set on one path and his was set on another, and we were both racing to catch the next break. We still remain friends. When I moved into Cincinnati my need for a special someone went in to hyper drive, and I became a dating machine. Truthfully there were two reasons. The obvious one that I wanted to find someone to have a relationship with, and the second... to get a free meal every once in a while :/ I KNOW how terrible that sounds but its true.

So to say the least I had my fair share of awkward dates. One guy asked me to come to his dorm building and go to a dorm party with him. I was there for all of 15 minutes before I texted my sassy gay friend Spencer (Hey boo) and demanded he act as if he were dying so I could come home and watch Hercules with him. Lots of guys wanted to be sleezy and have me just come to their apartments or the even cheaper ones that wanted to come to mine. Needless to say that didn't happen. If I'm gonna stay in, I would rather do it alone or with someone I know SUPER well. I don't wanna make small talk in my own home.

However, there was one date, and it was the epic fail of all dates. I had been talking to this guy for a few weeks, and he seemed fantastic. He was funny, understanding, and could keep up with my pace, so I was all about it. He lived about twenty minutes away, and offered to drive down one Saturday so that we could go out. I was so excited. Just ask Spencer. All of our conversations swiftly shifted to what I thought of this guy, and drove Spencer nearly out of his mind. As usual, he chided me and told me not to get ahead of myself, and to just wait for the weekend.

Saturday came and so did my date. He met me at my place and he came upstairs for a minute. While asking him about his drive, he took my hand, turned it over and commenced to read my palm. Interrupting me (always a no no) he told me that I was going to have a long life, a static career but a successful one, and two and a half children. When I told him I thought we estimated up when counting children, he justified himself by telling me that I either adopt a child or have a miscarriage. WOW. OK. So now we move on to the car ride, where he commences to play TERRIBLE MUSIC which is like a criminal offense in my book. Music is my life, so you can see where the problem lies. He actually got offended when I wasn't deeply and emotionally moved by a crappy coral number. Ugh. Finally one good song that came on, he just wouldn't shut up about the girls voice. Then he commited blashphamy. He looked at me and said "Bet you can't do that." HA. I made the poor fool play it twice more so I could learn it and then gave a Tony award winning performance in the passenger seat of his crappy car. I think he fell in love. I however was just pleased to have proved my point. Then the icing on the cake. At dinner, something I said reminded him of his grandmother. His dead grandmother. His grandmother they pulled the plug on and commenced to live for four days. Oh, and he was crying. Actually let me make that sobbing. At dinner. Yep. It actually happened. Of course I sent Spencer the S.O.S. text which read much like, If you want to live call me now with a terrible ailment, and soon I was rid of the date from hell.

The reason I have been thinking about this today specifically is that I have been surrounded by couples all day long. Couples that have been together for half a century, and couples that have just started out. I didn't feel alone or anything like that, I mean goodness I was in a room full of people. However it made me think. I was surprised to see that I wasn't upset. I was just fine. This is the life I have chosen. Career first for now. Acting is no easy gig for one person, so to drag a relationship though it before you are established would be murder. Now this isn't to say that if something presents itself that I wouldn't go for it. I live for the moment. However, I'm not looking. So for now, I am just fine remaining a Single Lady :)

Nothing to Fear, but Fear Itself

Looking back on some of my posts, I realized something. Recently I have been demonstrating characteristics of a scaredy cat. Now, I really hate cats, and I hate being scared even more, so looking back on the over flow of my heart, it was slightly shocking to see that I had been implying hints of fear. In most respects, my actions have demonstrated just the very opposite of fear. I have ventured out on a path that most will, and actually have called foolish. I have my sights aimed high, so high in fact, that without my faith would be too high. However I have found solace and peace in my choices. Call me a fool, but you are only insulting the one who called me to step out in faith.

However, although my actions may be bold, my spirit has slipped into a bit of timidity. I am becoming aware of my wisdom in certain areas, and my innocents in others, and let me tell you, I make for an odd concoction. I am firm in the big things, yet unsteady in the trivial. I am stunned in my fearlessness to go, yet my anxiety to stay. I find that I am weird... which isn't a surprise to anyone else but myself.

Out of coincidence, or maybe not so but to me it is, Mom had checked out Max Lucado's new book Fearless. Max Lucado is without contest my favorite christian author, so of COURSE I had to snag it and read it before I left. He speaks the way my heart thinks, and keeps me focused right where he needs to be. At first I thought that I would breeze through this book without feeling convicted of any certain circumstance within its pages, because it was encouraging others to find boldness. I thought to myself "I am a free spirit, I come an go to where the work takes me, and jump at new opportunities. I am bold enough already." Soon though I noticed that I had earmarked several pages with points that touched my heart and made me say to myself "Self, this one is for you."

I have recently become very comfortable where I am. I am home, surrounded by those I love, recovering from being bombarded in every way a person can be beaten up. From broken hearts, to shifted dreams things have just been rapidly changing, and for a while I just needed a place to take cover for a time. It has been the first time in a long time that I have been comfortable here. From the time I entered my teens, I can remember fighting tooth and nail to get out of here. Funny how the tables have turned, because now that I have no problem staying, I have to go. Now I am not saying that I'm not ECSTATIC about North Carolina, because I most certainly am, but this sense of contentment in the place is foreign to me.

In the book, there is a section where Lucado is discussing the story of Jarius, the man who came to Jesus to heal his daughter. When Jesus makes it to the house, the little girl was already pronounced dead; they had arrived too late. However, Jesus said to them, she is not dead, she is only sleeping, the proceeded to enter the house and "Took her by the hand and called saying, 'Little girl, arise'. Then her spirit returned, and she rose immediately. I know that this isn't meant to be interpreted metaphorically for it really happened, but to me it took on a symbolic meaning. My my made the connection on its own to another verse in Deuteronomy which says "Rise up and journey on, for you have been here long enough."

This got my minds wheels turning. I felt that that little girl was me when I was in circumstances that I shouldn't have been in. When I prayed long and hard about if I should go or if I should stay it was as if God was saying to me 'Little girl, arise' Since my departure my spirit had been revived and so has my confidence, but I have been complacent with it. Not only do I feel that I am to 'Rise up and journey on' from my home, but I am to move on from the hurt, and the pain and the worry I have been tossing to the side as if it didn't exist. I need to walk away, not let it sit beside me while I pretend to ignore it.

This is scary. While I am confident, my nerves still exist in the dark of night. However, I know realize that my "bold enough" isn't good enough, and I need to buckle my seat belt, because fear has another thing coming.

The reason we are told to fear nothing but fear itself is not because it is a good contender, but because it has the capability to appear bigger that what it is. It's as if we are looking at it though the side mirror of a car. Fear allows you to distort itself to its advantage, and we become the casualty. Curious about the entire address that FDR gave at his inauguration, I looked it up. I had always thought that the famous line was the conclusion to the speech, but I was quickly corrected when I saw that it was one of the very first sentences that he spoke as President, which made them even more radical in my heart than they were before. "This is preeminently the time to speak the truth, the whole truth, frankly and boldly. Nor need we shrink from honestly facing conditions in our country today. This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

Just a sensible break down... and other things

Today was one of those days when you look back on all the advice that you have given to others in such confidence, and realize you should heed it yourself. Here I have been talking about not worrying, yet today I let it get the best of me. Certain circumstances arose today that I don't want to discuss on here as they are too detailed, but just know that even in their specificity they are rooted in the general worry for survival... You know, grown up stuff.

After several phone calls today and trying to make several different attempts at possible schemes to remedy things, I began to cry. Not like the ugly cry where your face gets contorted, your breathing gets labored and your words become in-audible, just the kind of tears that make your face wet and you feel silly. In my defense, I think part of the reason the tears came was because in a violent attempt to remedy this awful sleep cycle I have been finding myself in I took an herbal sleep medication. I think it may have set my emotions on edge, because I noticed I was easily irritated and very tunnel visioned. Now that I am typing this, it may have even magnified my stress a bit, which caused the extreme emotions to make an appearance. Never the less, there I was, sitting in my Poppy's lazy boy recliner with my cell phone in my hands with tears streaming down my face.

I felt to silly and ashamed! I knew that God would take care of me, and He had even had the graciousness of showing me that through his word only a few days ago. Being the stubborn child I am however, I have just continued on my road of carrying my own burdens and suffering for it.

I now understand why the bible says that you cannot serve both God and money. It takes a lot, and I mean A LOT of energy stressing about having the money to take care of yourself. I know that there are so many people out there that have lost their jobs and have families to support as well. My heart and prayers are with you, because its driving me nuts just worrying about myself, much less a family. I cannot even fathom what that must be, and I pray to God that I never have to.

The funny thing it, most of what was causing me so much anxiety was in fact a misunderstanding. The numbers had been misconstrued and the actual amount needed was MUCH smaller than the one I had been quoted before. After a sensible talk with my mama, my Gema and Pop's I headed out to meet my Nana for some much needed retail therapy, and made out like a bandit.

When I got home I realized that the only way I could really have some peace was to go to the word. Even though I have known these verses since childhood, tonight new life was breathed into them, and they became a blanket on comfort that I could hide under for a bit.

"Do not fear for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy one of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:1b-3a

"Keep your lives free from the love of money, and be content with what you have; for he has said "I will never leave you nor forsake you" So we can say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can anyone do to me?" Hebrews 13:5-6

"Cast all your anxiety on Him, for he cares for you. Discipline yourselves, keep alert... And after you have suffered a little while, the God of grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will restore, support, straighten, and establish himself to you." 1 Peter 5:7-10

Enough of being a nervous Nelly, on to MUCH more exciting things. In just over a week I am heading to my acting job in North Carolina!!! YAY!! Even thought it isn't my first professional gig, it is my longest which I think is pretty cool. My contract is for four months, and we do six shows a week. Depending on how casting goes I may be involved with more than one show, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. I am SO crazy excited to get started and feel so blessed to be able to do one of the things I know I was created to do. I know it's going to be a lot of hard work, but really there much out there worth while that isn't. I love working obsessively on a show and then reaping the benefits once the show is on its feet. It's one of the greatest feelings there is to know that you have the capability to touch some one's life by doing what you love.

I wish that I could tell you more about what I am going to be doing, but so far I'm kinda in the dark myself. I know all of the logistical things that I need to know in order to survive there and have a brief over view of what I signed my life away to, but other that that I am amiss. I think it's part of the atmosphere of the company though. Some are like that. They want to play everything closer to the chest. That's actually the way I prefer it. You have to keep a little mystery right??

So that was my day. Full of girly ups and down and all arounds. Good things are just around the corner... so now that my little sensible break down is out of the way, we can move onto better and brighter things :)

Wonder Woman

So in this process of growing up I have noticed something interesting. Parent's aren't super heroes. They are regular human beings that disappoint, make mistakes, and say harsh things. The shift from seeing my mom as Wonder Woman to just a normal person has been a really hard one, but ultimately a necessary one. People always tell me you can't believe in fairy tales forever, and as much as I fight it, I know they are right.

When I was younger, I always said I was my mom on the outside and my dad on the inside. My dad and I shared a very thick layer or sarcasm and seemingly had the same view on things... cynical. My mom was much more analytical and planned. I am my mother's very own carbon copy, and when we are out in public we ALWAYS without fail get told that we are sisters. I told her one day that if someone tells me that I am the older one I am going to have a mental break down. Luckily for the both of us, that hasn't happened yet. Crazier things have happened though and I wouldn't put it past the world to play such a cruel prank on me.

In the heat of my teenage years, I can ashamedly remember saying that I didn't want to be like my mom. She was too uptight and willing to compromise, while all I wanted to be was a free spirit with no ties. It is no secret that mom's and daughters fight during that time, but throw a new house, and two new additions to the family in the mix and you have a disaster on your hands.

Then, I got sick. Wonder Woman was back. For four solid years my mom was the singular source of deep emotional support, while my dad was the stronghold of the finances. Without the thousands of hours my dad has worked I know that I wouldn't be in the health I am today. My mom never left my side. From city to city we traveled searching for the answer and I was so so grateful to have her there with me. Even to this day she gives me the injections I need to stay healthy. Who else would do that? I have my very own super hero.

I'm sure you are wondering why I am writing this sappy ode to my mom seemingly out of nowhere. While it is sappy, it is not without cause. Mom and I got the chance to spend some time together one on one tonight for the first time in months. We went to the mall and of course didn't spend any money at all... yeah right... and then settled on going to dinner at crisper's. (That place is delicious by the way.. it was my first time)

Tonight I was more relaxed than I have been in weeks and laughed harder than I have in months. I for once didn't have to entertain anyone or put on a show or even make small talk. In out few hours together I noticed, not only am I my mom on the outside, I am my mom through and through. Even though she may not get to be Wonder Woman all the time, she isn't just a regular person... she's my best friend. Even Wonder Woman couldn't be Wonder Woman all the time. She had a regular job, friends and a family outside of her supernatural life. Now I know that you aren't supposed to reveal a super hero's identity, but sorry Mom the cats out of the bag. I may be gone for a while, but that doesn't mean that things have to change. I love you with all my heart, and wouldn't be who I am without you. You are simply the best. :)

Do Not Worry?? Oh... Ok I guess...

Lately, specifically today, I have been doing one of the very things that I strive not to do. Worry. Since I have recently become a big girl, I am now greeted by big girl choices. No more are the days of learning how to tie my shoes or having mommy wake me up in the morning with fresh baked cinnamon roles and a fond farewell off to school. Ok maybe my mommy still wakes me up from time to time but that's not the point. The point is that I willingly stepped outside of the wonderful umbrella you can stay under as a student and charged out so I could be independent. Key word being willing. WILLINGLY I jumped out from under my parents support, and happily so. Now I'm not saying that I regret my decision to no longer be a student, that's the last thing I want you to think. I have never been happier about where my life is and the possibility of where it's headed. However I am second guessing the whole grown up thing. In my head I am perpetually twelve years old, sitting in my room in my PJ's surrounded by coloring books filled with Disney princesses and watching the pixar movie cars. For me that's an ideal day. Not going to work at a nine to five, sitting in a cubicle and having someone else determine that my time is worth nine dollars an hour. Lucky for me it hasn't come to that, and I have been fortunate to have great jobs with great people that I enjoy going to every day. However, just because I am fond of my jobs, does not mean that I am fond of the idea that I am old enough to have one. And so the vicious cycle continues...

I think this all began when I started looking at my bank account... scary business I know, but it has to be done. While I have been home for the time in between when I left school and the start of my acting contract in North Carolina (which starts in a 2ish weeks. YES!!! more to come on that.) I have been doing all the work that has come my way. My dad (hey daddy, love you) set me up with a wonderful temp agency, which was the biggest help in the world. From that I worked a legit job at a chocolate factory (call me Lucy y'all) for about a week and got a pretty good sum of money after that. I have also been nannying for the owner of the temp agency every Saturday which has also really helped. Every few days I waffle in between the notion that I have enough money and I will be fine, to I am never going to survive and I will run out of money the first week I am in NC. We don't get our paychecks until about the 3rd week of employment, and while that's fair, its a huge source of anxiety for me, and I struggle with that from time to time.

Noticing my funk, my mom alerted me that my babies were singing in church tonight, and that I should come. Grateful for the distraction I got ready, and headed out to watch the kids do the one thing I love. Sing. When I got there I saw that my Pop's, Pawpa, and Nana were there, which made me even happier that I had ventured out of the house. Soon My little ones were on stage, and I was shocked by the joy that overflowed out of my heart. My little brother was on the back row, smiling, singing and waving simultaneously while my normally hyper active sister did the motions perfectly and sang every word on cue. I soon noticed that I was smiling so big that my cheeks were cramping up. It was the best thing I have been apart of in such a long time, and I am soooo glad that I went. Before they exited the stage my brother looked at me, puckered his lips, and mouthed I love you straight to me before he walked off stage. My heart literally melted. I will hold that in my heart forever.

Per usual the message followed the singing, and I sat beside my Pop's and listened to the sermon. To be transparent, my mind drifted back to my worries, and soon I was trapped in the vortex once more of anxiety and pressure. However, halfway through the sermon, Pastor Russel mentioned that God rules the nations, yet feeds the birds, and it's all the same to him. In the scheme of eternity, size doesn't matter, and nations and birds become just about the same size. Knowing my scripture, I knew that he was referencing Matthew 6, the chapter that commands of us not to worry. Knowing in my spirit that this reference was meant for me, I looked up the reference as soon as I came home.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns,(or in my case banks) and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about your clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after these things, and your heavenly father knows you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own."

Well. Hey there. That hit my right where I thought I needed it, and even harder where I thought I didn't. I worry about what I wear, my body image, where my next paycheck is coming from... and it's all new to me. Sure I had worried about things before, like my health and where the next treatment was coming from and things like that, but that is a different kind of worry. In those circumstances I felt that there were no choices, and I had to just keep going no matter the cost. The funny thing is I realize now, that my current worries are identical to the worries I had faced before. I just have to keep moving no matter the cost. It's just like Pastor said tonight, size doesn't matter when looking through the eyes of Christ. My worries are all of the same value to Him. So I am just going to keep tying my shoes and counting to ten and coloring my way through. By no means am I not going to push forward, but I am only going to push as far as my means allow, and the rest... well.. that's up to Daddy.

All You Need Is Love

THINGS I LOVE
Christ
Music
The written word
Friends... the few good ones I have
Freedom of speech (but NOT when abused by retards)
Good Movies
Solitude
Coffee
Deep Conversation
Laughter
Peace
Love... Not the word, not the feeling, the ACTION
Purple Popsicles
Texting
Family
Kissing
Thrift store shopping
Beaches
Hugs
STARS (the ones in the sky... remember those?)
Home
Coloring
Cuddling
Eating delicious food
Joy
New York City
Traveling
Independence
Exuding Life
Positivity
Good intentions
Happy Endings

Here I find myself pondering the things I love. I was going to include the things I hate, but once I got to what I love, I liked that better. There are sooooo many more things than just this, but these are the most important. I figure since we are going to be getting to know each other, what better way than to know what make me tick, and to those of you who already do, or think you do, you may be in for a surprise or two.. I know I was.

Obviously Christ tops the list. He is the reason I am alive and because of that any of the glory that could possibly come out of my life goes directly to him, however little it may be. Music and words are the language my soul speaks, and truly the only way my heart can respond. All I have ever needed was for someone to tell me how the feel about anything and I will take it directly to heart. Now adays with how often words are manipulated and tossed aside, I become a casualty, because to me, your word is truly all you have. Sure you can give money and gifts and even demonstrate your intentions through your time, but I am one of the few that still subscribe to the belief that the words are the overflow of the heart. I think our world would benefit from a revival towards that notion. Empty words only demonstrate empty hearts. Friends and Family as well are a given, they are the people who stand by you when things get rough, and I mean REALLY rough, and celebrate with you during life's successes, void of jealousy. Under that definition there are only a few people that I consider friends, because honestly there aren't many people made of that cloth anymore. Either they have a hidden agenda, or are using you to get to the next fish in the pond, or at least that's my experience. Without Freedom of speech my hear t couldn't speak without ties, and that is no way to live. HOWEVER people that use it to slander others or to assert themselves in a destructive way to themselves or others are spineless and weak, and deserve what's coming to them. Good movies demonstrate that art does still exist in the world, and that the human race isn't a lost cause. Even the poorly made, terribly written, and pointless movies bring about smiles and demonstrate humanity, which can never be a bad thing. *This does not include movies with racy content for no reason, Obscenity just for the sake of shocking people is ridiculous, and you should be ashamed of yourselves.*Solitude may just be the best invention ever, because while I love people and to be around them, being alone affords myself the opportunity to re-center myself and not get caught up in the petty things this world has become so full and obsessed with. Coffee is delicious and keeps me awake. Done. Laughter and Peace go hand in hand for me, for without laughter there is no peace, and without peace, there certainly will be no laughter. Skipping ahead on the list Joy facilitates both of these. Its almost as if Joy is the umbrella under which Laughter and Peace reside. Now here we find ourselves at LOVE. I love when you can feel to the very bottom of your toes that someone loves you just by the way someone looks at you. Kind of like the Love you see in Disney Movies, which is why I love them. They show a beautiful, pure and unadulterated love that seems to be extinct in our time. Love either has to be physical. mental, or with strings attached. If that's what love has been reduced to, I don't want it anyway. I want love like the Little Mermaid. Not Cinderella. Not Sleeping Beauty. The Little Mermaid. He loved her from the sound of her voice, and after that he was done. He knew that she was for him. Purple Popsicles are a must, and are the only flavor I like... simply because. Texting is a guilty pleasure, and an abused one at that. Kissing... well honestly... who DOESN'T like kissing? Come on now, don't lie to me. Unless it's a terrible kiss. You know, the kind where someone is trying to eat your face off like their mouth turned into a Venus fly trap? Yeah that not so much, but to quote 50 first dates "There's nothing like a first kiss." Thrift store shopping is the bomb, because you can find things you can find nowhere else. Literally. While this may be a bad thing a majority of the time, sometimes all of the digging and searching for that one jem is worth it. My N'SYNC t-shirt is a shinning example of the treasures you can find at the thrift store. Beaches, well because they are beautiful and soothing and can bring hours of entertainment. From quietly making fun of the fat people that shouldn't be there, to admiring the hot guys playing football you know you will never meet, you just can't go wrong. Hugs Cuddling and Stars... do I really have to explain? They are simply wonderful. Coloring has always been a guilty pleasure and I'm sure it will be a life long one. I am the proud owner of three different Disney Princess coloring books that I purchased for myself and am not ashamed to say i color in them quite frequently. Eating delicious food is self explanitory. It is delicious... what more could you want? New York City and Traveling hold the same place in my life. They both are the penical of endless opportunities. You can go anywhere and be anyone, and that is such a freeing thing. Even though I would never alter myself, I am able to unlock parts of me that would otherwise never be discovered with each new place I go. With each new destination, I am greeted my new discoveries, and that is priceless. Independence, Exuding life, and Positivity are all synonymous, and simply stand for the ideal that I love who I am, that i don't need or want any one's help to be who I am, and that I am going to live my life in front of you, not in the back row hoping that someday you will approve of me. If you do, thank you, but if you don't oh well. The only one I answer to is Christ, and so far he has been the one sculpting my life. So in truth if you don't like it, your quarrel is not with me, but with the man upstairs, and that is a fight I would not want to take part in. I really don't think there is anything better than good intentions when it comes to an action, accept love. During my life I have learned multiple times over that things don't ever go as plan. Actually the rarely do, however, the intent behind any action you take part in is the one thing that doesn't change. People disappoint, but if their heart was in the right place, sometimes it is easier to get over the mountains that life throws us. This brings us to a contender for a very high spot on the list, and that is Happy Endings. In this world it seems that Happy endings only exist on the silver screen or are bound in books. Endings either bring sadness, anger, loose ends or nothing at all. When we walk away from something, we have in our immediate sights something we are walking towards, even if it is out of reach. I pose the question, what if we decided to make our endings happy? When did the paradigm shift and endings took on a negative connotation? I dare you to be happy when something ends, even if its a terrible thing to have end. Happiness can be found in anything. And I know you may ask, who are you to tell me that endings are good? What have you ever had to see through to the end? Well I have seen my fair share of endings, and devastating ones at that, and while I was the farthest thing from happy, soon the rose colored glasses were lifted, and I was able to see the world again. Happy endings do exist, even if I haven't quite found mine yet.

Unexpected Surprises

Well the last twelve hours for me have been full of things that I thought would never happen. To start, once again I couldn't sleep, so like any other person I was fooling around on facebook, and maybe even doing a bit of facebook stalking, but I will never tell ;)
When I had finally decided that enough was enough and that as a normal member of society I had to stop this terrible sleep cycle I was in so that I could wake up before after noon, I got up, turned down the volume of my TV, flipped off my light and crawled into bed. Even though I was still not tired, I knew that in order to function the next day that this was right thing to do.

Being the jumpy paranoid little girl I am however, I continued to hear all the things that go bump in the night. Seeing as it was extremely late, (or early) I felt justified in my fear, and decided it wouldn't hurt anyone if I turned up my TV a bit louder so that I could ignore the imaginary intruders.

When I turned around to lay back down however, I saw a pair of eyes staring at me through the crack in the door!!

Before I let my panic rise up withing me, I took a brief assessment of the situation, and was greeted with the notion that these eyes are shorter than me, and that this may in fact not be an intruder. When my eyes adjusted, I saw those eyes were attached to a cute nose and short blonde hair. Then I heard it. A sweet little girl's whisper. "Nana?"

My little sister had had a nightmare, and just wanted a hug. Soon she had weaseled her way under my covers and in my arms, and of course I had no idea how she had gotten there. Resigned that this little planner wasn't going anywhere, I pulled out the trundle from my bed, popped it up and told her to scoot over. I wasn't bothered by the fact she was here, but I knew that all hope was lost for a good night's slumber for she is a loud sleeper.

Just as I was mourning the loss of any shot at rest, my sister reached over, grabbed my hand and whispered "Nana, you are the best sister in the world. When I grow up, I want to be just like you. I love you." And with that, she closed her eyes and fell right asleep, still holding my hand.

I'm not one to cry normally, but this brought tears to my eyes. For years I had questioned my caliber as a sister, as I have feel I just walk in and out of my siblings lives because I move all over the place. This however, showed me that my love for them has not gone unnoticed, and is indeed enough. I may not be perfect, but my love for them is.

Several hours later when I woke up, it wasn't my sister that was next to me, but my precious brother. He was content to just eat his cookies and drink his milk while he watched Niho Kilan on my TV. When I rolled over and he saw I was awake, he didn't get excited or anything but that is his nature. He just looked at me and said "Hey Nana, I'm glad you're up now."

After playing some Mario Kart with him... and ashamedly getting my butt kicked by a four year old... I went to check my phone, for it hadn't gone off al day which was shocking. I by no means consider myself popular, but I do get regular calls from my best friend Katie. When I got to it, I noticed that it was dead, so I promptly went to go plug it in. Once I had turned it back on, I saw that I had two voicemail. Feeling slightly out of character I decided to check them. I never check my voicemail... EVER. But today I felt that I should.

The first message was from my friend Taylor (HEY TAY) out in Cali, and it totally made me smile, his voicemails always do. When he had finished rambling and singing and rapping the next message clicked on. I could barely understand it, and almost dismissed it as a wrong number. However, I heard my name at the end so I took the phone off speaker, pressed re-play and listened again. When I figured out who it was I was SHOCKED. It was my dear friend Timothy in Nigeria, whom I had worked with for several weeks when I went to his country. It has been four years since I had heard his voice, and this was the first phone call I had ever received from him. Once again I was brought to tears by the message. He told me that him and his family are praying for me, and they hope to catch me on the phone sometime next week.

The only thing I could think, was that they are praying for me??? I am sitting in a beautiful house, playing Wii and typing on my mac book and you wre praying for me? Images from what I had seen in his country flashed through my mind and I was ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I had lost sight of what is important. Instead of worrying about sleep, I should worry about the little girl next to me. Instead of worrying about not having enough money when I know there is plenty in my account, I should be worried about those who have none, and instead of being consumed with prayers for myself and those immediately around me, I need to remember the big picture. There's more to life then what my little mind can conceive, and realizing that was surely the most unexpected surprise of them all.

Hide and Seek

During a fit of insomnia last night, I flipped on my tv, hoping that something good was on. This past week I have had trouble sleeping for this reason and that, and all that has been on has been that stupid insanity infomercial. While I know I could be in better shape, there is nothing in the world that would make me want to do that workout in the clear light of day, however in the cloak of darkness it looks kind of fun. Knowing that if I watched the silly infomercial one more time I may be tempted to actually purchase it, I looked for something else. I was delighted when I saw that USA's show In Plain Sight was running some re-runs, and even MORE excited that it was one that I hadn't seen in a while. So there I was, lieing in my bed whatching some mindless television when all of the sudden I was hit by something very profound. Like I said before, quotes can come from anywhere and I will hold to them.

After the bad guy has been caught and all is well in the world once more, Mary Shanonn always gives a very eloquent and to the point speach, however it is mostly about nothing to do with life, and everything that has to do with being a U.S marshall. Tonight however, it seemed the the writers were inspired, and cranked out something that hit me right where I live.

"Everybody hides. Some people hide because the have to, some because they don't want to be seen. Then there are the very special people that hide because... because... because they just want someone to care enough to come find them."

One of my favorite authors and role modles Anne Bogart talks about Kenetic and Static art. Kenetic art moves you, while Static art stops you to the point you can't get past it, and demands you ask questions of yourself. These words acted like static art to me, and stopped me where I was. I turned on my light, flipped down the volume, and just sat in thought for a moment, stunned that a re-run at 3:00 am had found me.

I like to be alone. I would rather live alone than live with people. I spend the majority of my time alone in my apartment or in my room depending on what state I'm in, but that's the way I like it. I even have the tendency to turn down plans with friends, people that I actually like, and not because I dont want to spend time with them but simply because I would rather spend time with myself. My closest friends even joke that I will go into hiding for weeks at a time, and that they know once I'm ready I will re-enter the world. Recently I had begun to wonder why I am like this. I know that I am overly senstive to my surroundings, and that sometimes I can't handle anymore than what I have, but that's not always the reason I stay in. I even went to my grandparents, who know me better than anyone besides my parents, and they said that I have always been this way, and that it was just part of who I am. That I needed my time.

But sitting in my day bed in my parents house with my favorite sweat pants on I realized that I just want someone to care enough to come look for me. I have recently had my heart broken, and I think that my hiding may have gone into hyper drive because of that. Someone that would always come and look for me isn't here anymore, and I didnt even realize they were one of the ones that could always find me. I know that this person was no good for me, and I am by no means mourning their absence, but it was just shocking to realize. Even though I have been hurt a million times over, I am still that little girl my friends joke about, that will always believe in fairytales, and who's favorite game will always be hide and seek.

The Road Not Taken...

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not have traveled both
And be one travler long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other one just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Beacuse it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads onto way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

The first time I ever heard this poem, I was sitting in my room, watching the amazing and terribly missed 90's tv show Boy Meets World. It was the opening scene, and as usual all of the main characters were in Mr. Feeny's never changing classroom. Topanga was standing in front of the class, and all she recited was the tail end of the poem, "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." Immediatly something sparked off in my thirteen year old mind and I had to figure out where this poem came from and what the rest of the story preceeding that satement was. I have always been a sucker for good writing, so whether I am watching television, talking to a friend, or sitting in the middle of a lecture, if something said ignites my heart, I cling to it for a time.
It wasn't hard to find that the poem was written by Robert Frost and was indeed his most famous work. I immediatly hit the print button and ran to the printer. Once the ink had dried I snatched it from the tray, and ran back to my room, where I placed in on my bulletin board with a red thumb tack. My fit of insanity was over, and i could now relax and watch the rest of Boy Meets World in peace, knowing I had discovered something wonderful.
I have never been one to keep things, but for years that poem has stayed in the same place with the same thumb tack through it on my bulletin board right at my door. As I have grown older, I have been faced with many different challenges and choices, many of which no teenager or young twenty something should ever have to face. The choices I have made, especially in this past year have been radical ones. I chose to leave the most prestigious Theatre program in the country, on the grounds that I simply wasn't happy. A little further on my road I have had to choose between dangerous treatments, some of which could kill me, and some of them with no hope of helping me. These were all choices that I made alone. While I could turn to others for their opinion, they could no sooner make my choices than use the bathroom for me. I have become a strong person because of my life, and I wouldn't change me for the world. I know that some people may not agree with anything I do, but honestly I'm not living my life seeking approval, I'm living it in search of peace, happiness, and ultimalty the joy that only the Lord can bring me.
Through my life's journey's in the past seven years this poem has greeted me at my door, showing me in clear black and white that I have done the right thing. I took the road less traveld by, and it most certainly has made all the difference in the world.