Once Upon a Dream

Once upon a time, in a not so far away land, there lived a little girl playing dress up in a grown woman's wardrobe. She wasn't a long lost princess, nor was she trapped in a tower. She was a long long lost believer trapped by the what ifs of life. Instead of singing songs and believing that her handsome prince would someday soon just show up simply because she believed he would, she got lost in the motions of life and long ago for went any premonition that a handsome prince even existed, much less would show up on her door step. The idea of needing to be saved was abhorred by this modern day girl, because she believed that she could save herself. So each day she awoke in her little home and got ready for a life that maybe in fact she really wasn't quite ready for to begin with. She put on her makeup, what little she wore with the dexterity of a woman, but somehow the eyes that she lined with ease were the opening to the soul of a little girl that so desperately wanted to believe that someday, just maybe, she would see that fairy tales really do come true.

Everyone says that when the big moments of life happen that "you just know." Well I think that this is the biggest pile of lies ever. You never "just know." anything. I think people say this because they in fact, don't know and are terrified to admit it. That when they lie awake at night and are left with too much time to think, that those little minions of doubt start to creep up and whisper in their ear. They serenade you with all the little notions you have dared never to think for fear they may actually point to the biggest truth of all. That you don't know without a shadow of a doubt that you made the right choice. Something that I am learning everyday is that not only is it OK not to know, I think it's the most honest thing that a person can admit. That they aren't sure of everything. That while they know they feel overwhelming love for another, that we never really knew what happily ever after entails.

I am still a little girl in every way shape or form when it comes to relationships. I am still searching for the correct shades of love and the proper sizes and shapes of the roles that others play in this life of mine. In all the fairy tales that I hold so near and dear to my little girl heart, there is one thing that never changes. The princess is in charge of her life. She never looks to another to live her life for her, she is simply looking for the right companion to live her life with. This is something that I think we ladies often forget. That we are not to look to the white night to come and save us, that we are simply looking to him to be the audience of one for this performance we call a life. I am the only person that is right for the role of the leading lady in my life. He should be my counter part, not my director. I am not one that is looking to be taken care of. If you know me then you know that I am capable of surviving on my own. But that's just the thing. I don't want to simply survive. I want to live.

Prince charmings are interesting characters if you think about it. There is no distinct look or prototype for one. The white night doesn't exactly have any specific criteria other than that he has some sort of noble steed with which he uses to take you off into the sunset towards the ever hovering happily ever after. Most of the time, prince charming is hiding within the hearts of a little boy, who is faces just as many struggles as the little girl that is housing the potential princess that matches that prince's heart. Without warning the little boy must learn how to become a man, for there is no in between. There rarely is ever a moment in his life where he levitates in the margin between child and grown up. Instantaneously he must know exactly how to provide, to protect, and to prove that he is worthy of the title he so longs for. But it is within that margin that most of life is lived, and he tried to much avail to navigate through it to find someone whom matches his soul.

So sometime, someday in some random place that you really don't want to be in, that same little girl meets a little boy and they begin to talk. And then maybe they find things in common. They don't immediately know anything monumental, but they know that maybe, just maybe they have found someone made of the same mold that they came from. Then eventually as they spend time together they individually begin to realize that they may in point of fact do need to be saved. They need to be saved from themselves. Suddenly the little girl starts to resemble that of royalty, and the little boy is starting to house the qualities of a well seasoned knight. Then maybe they start to see in each other, what they thought only existed in the pages of the books they were read as bed time stories years ago. It may not end it what the stories say is happily ever after, but I believe this is the shape of what the modern day fairytale could be. At least I hope so. Because as the little girl who is still searching for the heart of the little boy that matches hers, I can only hope that he won't give up looking for me. That even though this world turns us into unbelievers, that maybe there is still an ember of hope left in the heart that matches mine. And that one day my heart will be able to whisper "I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream." and I will actually believe it.

Without You

Perspective is a funny thing. It's like magical fairy dust. Or the touch of King Midas. With one slight adjustment it changes everything. Kind of like a 3D movie. Without the magical 3D glasses, it looks like a big technologically advance hodge podge of pixels. But when you put on the flimsy glasses everything is crystal clear. Beautiful. Out of this world. Magical. You would never know that what you are seeing is the same mess that you were looking at only seconds before. The glasses change everything. They may not be the most expensive things ever, but in the context of you're viewing pleasure, they are the most important. Such is perspective. It's the absolute difference between a mess, and feeling like you can reach out and touch the stars you are so longing to land upon.

I'm at a point in my life where I could either choose to wear my 3D glasses or not. For the first time I think ever, I find myself in situations where it is very clearly marked black or white. Yes or no. Do or Don't. And of course, as always is the pattern of my life, this is occurring in every compartment of my little world. No matter how hard I try to put everything in it's own little cubby, it seems that all my books keep wanting to fall out and land all together on the floor at the same time... so that when someone walks by and spills water, it lands on all of them. Not just one. Well water is to my perspective as each subject of my life are to these text books. My world has been sprinkled with the liquid of decision making, and I need to make some choices fast.

As hard as I am trying to keep everything logical, perspective is usually an emotional thing, and that seems to be where I tend to fall short. I would much rather push everything down. To "tough it out" rather than let the tears run down and the pensive rebuilding begin. But sometimes even I need to recognize when it is OK to let down my wall of cynicism. Of defensiveness. Of fear. And make the choice to either allow myself to be happy and a better person because of the outcome of my difficult situation, or continue on with the grind of life and settle for what that may produce. In life what is often most rewarding is usually bred from the hardships we face and eventually overcome. And right now I am facing some hardships.

I am faced with the possibility I may loose some people that I love very very much. Some physically. Some emotionally. And I can't stand that. I can't stand that the candle has burned down to the very bottom of the wick, and it very well may be that the sand in the hourglass has run out. I don't like putting that kind gravity on things. I like to keep everything about the same weight. But just because I make everything equal does not mean everything is in balance. And try as I might I can't seem to make all of that happen for myself. Even I who wears her rose colored glasses every day by choice can see that things have the potential to change, and very fast and very devastatingly so. Which has made me come to realize a few things.

When one is faced with such a circumstance, you are demanded of to put on your 3D glasses and see the world in striking clarity. I used to be afraid of 3D movies because of how in my face they got. Well life is right up in my face and if I take off my glasses I will only be doing myself a disservice. So now that I am seeing life this way, I am seeing that not only are things going to change, that I have no control over how they change or not. The outcomes of these relationships are totally out of my hands. And the only thing that I can do is watch and pray that things go the way my little heart wants them to. The decision does not lie in the outcome of these events, it lies in how I handle them in the aftermath. If I accept and move on. I am also seeing who I can live with, and who I would die without, and the results are shocking. My family has always subscribed to the belief that when it comes to relationships it's quality, not quantity, and while I agreed, I still tried to maintain my volume of relationships. It made me feel more important when lots of people could call me friend and wanted me in their lives. But now that I see how they react when the going gets tough, I am now a firm believer in this idea. And the inventory downsize was much more than I thought it would be. Because in this process of looking at life through such a crisp perspective, I remembered what my eighth grade self had written in a dear friend's year book. "Don't settle for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can't live without."

So as I sit here scared stiff of my life that is reaching out to grab me into some potentially devastating losses, that is what I remember. That while facing these times of hurt, I must walk through it with the one's I can't live without, and just as importantly with the ones who can't live without me. I am here for a reason, and I intend to live out that reason to it's fullest. So as I risk the loss of some physically and some emotionally, I am going to remember that I can't live without them. That I won't live without them. Even if they only exist in my heart, I will still carry them with me forever, because they have left me with their hand print forever. And forever is a very long time to go without you.

Dreaming Wide Awake

I can't sleep. I have no idea why because I am exhausted. I was even up "early" for a Saturday. And I say "early" because everyone who knows me knows that my version of early doesn't match the world's definition by any stretch of the imagination. But I am trying, and that should count for something. I have to be awake in roughly four hours to go sing at a church in Naples tomorrow. I mean today... I never do seem to get that right. In my world the day ends when I go to sleep and starts when I wake up... but unfortunately the rest of the world doesn't gage their time schedule around me. Anyhow. I find myself wide awake exactly when I shouldn't be, and as always these are the times in life where I realize something I would have missed had I been asleep.

Things lately have been moving really fast for me. Really really fast. And not just in one part of my life. Everywhere I look it's like everything is on fast-forward but for some reason someone forgot to wind me up so I can match the pace. It's certainly not a bad thing though. In a desperate attempt to hold on to this life I'm watching come together that I so splendidly get to call my own, I have seen so many wonderful things I would have missed had I not been trying to soak every little ounce in that I could. I got another promotion at work. And not just an increase in hours and no more work. I got all of the work. I was expecting another cookie from the cookie jar but what I got was all the cookies and the jar to boot. The other woman that worked with me has abruptly moved on, and the schedule I was working towards in two years I was being handed to me today. I am essentially running the place with the owner of the company. I don't think I have ever learned so much so fast and actually retained it all in my whole life. And I love it. I wake up every morning... yes. in the ACTUAL morning time, not just make believe Courtney morning time... and am so excited to go to work. I am being helpful. I have a distinct purpose. I am helping people. I am opening the floodgates to my servants heart. Never have I been on a more rigid schedule, yet somehow I know that I have never felt so free. I am encouraged, and strongly so, to exercise my talents. Even the silly ones. Like talking on the phone. Or writing an eloquent thank you note. It has never been so positive a thing to be myself. Truly myself. Good, bad, OCD, and all. And I didn't even see it coming.

I also didn't see a successful personal life coming my way either. For the first time in a very long time, I can say that I am not partaking of any one way street relationships. Everything is a give and take. Not just a take and take... and take and take and take. With my new work schedule being so demanding and prioritizing my rest as a necessity to keep it that way, I have been able to see the friendships that are worth my time and those that can maybe wait a while to pick back up. God has placed some beautiful snow flake like souls in my life to create this beautiful winter wonderland that my life seems to be right now. Each one different, but all working towards the same cause. To be helpmates for me, and allowing me to be the same for them. Some are more seasoned than others as they have been around longer, but the new ones have their purpose too. Probably to show me the things that I should have believed of myself all along, but never had the courage to look myself in the eyes in the mirror long enough to confirm it. I am so beyond grateful for this. And I so hope that I can keep holding on tight enough to this life that is being lived in fast forward long enough to keep it going.

My fits of insomnia usually always seem to breed some kind of reflection or realization. Mostly because I'm actually allowing myself to process the things I save for later; the things that I "Can't deal with right now". So as I lie awake flipping though mindless infomercials I turned to facebook, hoping it would provide the entertainment I was seeking out. And of course there it was. The thing I needed to see and would have missed had I not been awake to find it. And I so needed to see this. It was the status of someone I went to college with in Cincinnati. We weren't super close friends. Shoot I don't even know if we were real friends. We had a class together. My worst subject actually. And she had always been there to help me out. So in the confines of that classroom we were friends. Anyhow I hadn't heard anything from her in over a year... probably two now that I think about it. And out of no where the facebook gods decided that I should see this one status. Not any others that she had posted in the last two years. Just this one. It read:

‎"We all think we’re going to be great and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren’t met. But sometimes expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You got to wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is just what keeps us steady. Standing. Still, the expected just the beginning, the unexpected is what changes our lives." -Grey's Anatomy

I read it over and over again. I don't watch Grey's Anatomy. I feel that I'm too far behind to catch up now. So I don't really care what the real context is. This is my life. I get so caught up in the to do lists and the perfection that is so unattainable and the expectations that I forget that maybe if I let go, something beautiful could happen. That maybe if I work really hard and only worry about my productivity and no one Else's that someday I will be rewarded for that. That maybe if I go out with a friend when I really don't want to I may meet someone that is going to change everything. That when I have to face the thought of loosing a loved one that maybe it will remind me of just how rich I am. I may not be rich in money. But I am overwhelmingly wealthy in life. In love. That's what we keep missing. It's what I keep missing. No matter what my bank statement looks like, I am rich in life, and that is the most beautiful thing in this world that is so full of darkness and sadness and greed.

These are the things that fill my mind as I am watching my ceiling fan go round and round again and again while my body is being rebellious and keeping me from my hot date with slumber. I often wonder why these things come to me at night. I always wonder why I can't decide when I sleep and that my body does it for me. And then I remember things like this. These little blossoms of hope that I see in the very darkest parts of night. While everyone else is dreaming all snugged in their beds, I sometimes get the rare privilege to dream wide awake. And sometimes, I get to watch it come true.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

It's tough being a girl. It's even tougher being a woman. When you are just a girl, you can get away with being a little naive here and there, and you can still claim that your innocents isn't your fault. When you are a woman, that naivety is now somehow a flaw, and your innocents purely irresponsible. Somewhere in the middle of growing up we are some how supposed to know all there is to know, never make a mistake, and do it all while wearing high heels. To look beautiful is the duty of a woman. To speak eloquently is the demand on a woman. To be educated is expected of a woman. And to never be wrong is the curse of a woman.

I can proudly say of myself that I am a successful professional young woman. I am completely financially independent (save my health insurance) I have a wonderful job that I am good at and am advancing and thriving in. I have friends that I am proud to know, and family that I am privileged to love. However there are those that are shocked when they grow to see how truly independant I am. Of course I rely on the ones I love emotionally, because I think it is healthy to not exclude your heart from the world. But when it comes to doing, more often than not I am going to do exactly whatever it is that I have decided to do. And I will always do it without asking for help, even if I may need it.

Last night I got to go spend some very much needed quality time at the Creek House with my Geema Pops aunt Sissy and uncle Guy. I was bribed to drive all the way out to my first childhood home way out in the country with home made lemon cake, but I stayed put for the conversation and the love I always find there. Somehow I always find my peace when I go home. It reminds me where I started from; not only does that show me how far I've come, it shows me how close I still am to the little girl that ran through those orange groves bare foot counting the stars as if I could actually know how many there were.

During my visit the subject of my violent need for independence came up. I find myself in a situation where I feel severely limited, and am trying to find a way to either stick with it and suppress my need for freedom, or make a clean cut and keep doing as I always have. I've been in this spot before, and it actually scares me how strong my need to do things the way I see them really is, as opposed to keeping my head down and agreeing blindly so I don't rock the boat. So as I bring this up all the members of my family begin to smirk a little here and there, Sissy even begins to laugh a little. Wanting to know what was so funny about my problem I simply just posed a "What??" hoping they would explain the humor in my "serious situation" My pops just grinned at me and said "honey, from the time you were just a little girl you never wanted any one's help. You fed yourself, dressed yourself, heck you even taught yourself how to sing. And it wasn't because no one cared enough to teach you or help you. We wanted more than anything to do it all for you. But you taught us something by doing it on your own. That no matter what happened, you were gonna be able to stand on your own two feet." Then my sissy looked at my pops and said "Do you remember the day that she just decided that she was gonna walk? I had no idea what they were talking about. Apparently when I was nine months old I kept watching everyone walk in and out of the room I was in, and I wasn't very happy about it. I wanted to go where all my family was going. So I pulled myself up on the couch and pushed myself off of it as hard as I could. I somehow managed to walk all the way to the doorway in between the room I was in and the room people were walking to. From that day on I walked everywhere. I never crawled. Just walked.

Hearing this coming from the people that know the real heart of who I am just brought me some peace. I was made to be the way that I am. Of course I have flaws. But hitting the ground running with everything I have isn't one of them. I was created to be this woman and cary the duties that come along with it. With every stride I take I know that I am that much closer to being the person that I am meant to be. Am I busy? Absolutely. Probably "too busy" by the worlds standards. But as God would have it I also know what it's like to actually be incapable of producing anything close to busy. I feel like this strength I have right now should not go to waste, because every day I have it is a gift. Am I a woman? Yes. Am I still a little girl? Yes. Do I still have big dreams and hopes? Probably more so now than ever. Do I leave them just for when I'm fast asleep?...

Never.

Hold My Heart

My phone won't ring. It's dead now, but even before then, my silly little smart phone wouldn't ring. I feel that if it were actually smart like it thinks it is, it would fake a little ring here and there to maybe give me some hope. But no matter how long I stared at it, questioned it, scolded it, and maybe even yelled at it, that bothersome little green light refused to wink at me, alerting me that someone had reached out.

Every time my phone lights up unexpectedly with a text or a call, I whisper to myself "oh somebody loves me!" I had never thought that I actually measured caring this way, but today, when no one called, I realized that I do in fact judge caring on communication. That if someone can take the time to just check in and see how I am and actually wait around for a response, they must care. And if they don't, then they are void of emotion for me... and I don't think that's a fair currency.

People pay for life in different ways. Some people pay for their life with money. By showing you that they can financially provide for themselves, you, and even be a little ostentatious with their funds, they are somehow proving that they deserve you. Some people pay for life with their time. That by sharing their time with you and making the conscious effort to live life in tandem with yours, even for just a few hours, proves that they have dedicated some portion of their heart to you. Others pay for life by intimacy. That if they can share that deeply with you and you can do the same for them then they have accomplished telling you just how much you mean to them without having to use their words. While all of these currencies are important, just like the quarter and the nickle and the dime, I feel like the dollar bills of life are words. There is nothing like paying for your life and being taken seriously simply by your words. Too often in life we feel that we can just do do do and never say because hey "actions speak louder than words." and while that may be true, actions are nothing if you are mute.

Words have the potential to be full of power, yet in this day and age we have emptied them of all meaning. However we simultaneously know that if we actually utter what we feel in our hearts, that actually makes what's in there real. And what happens if what you thought was a two way street as far as feelings go, turns out to be just a dirt road in the woods once you actually admit to your intentions? As for me, at this point in my life, I would much rather find out that what I thought was a super highway of a relationship is in fact a bike path, because at least then I am demonstrating that I know the value of not only my words, but my heart. That is something that is invaluable in this world. To know the value of my heart.

So as I look at the phone, or wait for facebook alerts, or check my email, I know that the ones that matter most will reach out. And that maybe someday someone will figure out just how to hold my heart.

Just Live Until I Die

I want to be a hero. Instead I wait for someone to come save me. I want to change the world. Instead I wait to be told what to do. I want to believe in more than just you and me. But I can't even look at the reflection in the mirror. I want to have my fairytale. But I let reality convince me they don't exist. I want to be extraordinary. But I settle for just OK. I want to rule the world. But I can't even rule my own life. I want to take control. But when I look around all I see is chaos. I want to be loved. But how can I allow someone to love me when I can't even say that I love myself. I want to be "enough" in the eyes of the ones I love. But how will I truly ever know what enough is. I want to be a dreamer. But I always let reality wake me back up. I want to just be. But I never just want to exist.

Have you ever thought any of these things before? I know that I have... I mean obviously since I am the hand that wrote them. This paragraph makes me sick, because it's what's wrong. With what you ask? With everything. It's what's wrong with the way we prioritize what's important. It's what's wrong with how we give advice. It's what's wrong with how we raise our children. It's what's wrong with how we run our government. It's what's wrong with how we love this beautiful world full of immaculate people that were created out of pure love just for us. My hands are shaking with emotion as I write all of this out.. and that hasn't' happened for me in a long time. This is what I truly feel deep down. That we put on a face, a veneer, a show even for the world and we never get down to what we really feel and think and need. And trust me. I know all about putting on a show. It's my life. And unfortunately I know how to do it all too well.

This weekend I have been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of procrastinating. I have been thinking about basically everything that has been going on for me recently and have been procrastinating with everything I need to be doing to keep up. I began to think about these relationships I have been building with people. And how happy I am now that I've done it. But deep down I know that I am still holding back. I am showing them the Courtney I already know that everyone will love. The performance Courtney, the surface Courtney. So then I began to wonder what would happen if I changed the plot of the show, and came out as the less sparkly version of myself. Instead of having all of these beautiful production numbers backing me up, what if all I had was a simple stool, the ghost light, and my words. And what about my list? What if I came at it with simple determination to get it done to the best of my ability, not with the absurd idea that it has to be perfect. That I have to be perfect. It doesn't work that way. And if it has worked for you, please, write a book about it so that I can tell you that you're wrong.

So as I have been sitting here on my bed. I began to wonder. I HATE wondering. I want to know. Knowledge has always been my friend. My power. My back up plan. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we sabotage everything wonderful we have going for us with a simple smile and a complacent attitude? What happened to the fight for what we really want instead of this settling for what we are told? Why do we wait for someone to save us when we know that we can save ourselves? Or, why can't we realize that we don't really need to be saved, that we just need to live. Keith Haring, one of the greatest artists and humans I have had the pleasure of studying put it perfectly when he wrote in his journal, "I only wish that I could have more confidence and try and forget all my silly preconceptions, misdirections, and just live. Just live. Just. Live. Just live until I die."
-Keith Haring.

A Simple Love Story

My days have started to run together. Which isn't an entirely bad thing. In fact I'm not sure it's a bad thing at all. My days have become so full that even the sleep that breaks them up seems to disappear and I am just living in one giant day. In my case, this is a nice change of pace for me. Not only are my days full which makes me feel satisfied and accomplished, they are filled with exactly what I want them to be filled with. Work that I love, friends that I cherish, family I don't take for granted, and smiles that I treasure. I am loving where life is taking me, but just for a second, I wanted to take a time out and make sure that all this magical euphoria was real.

So I took a trip to my favorite place in the world. The Creek House. The Creek House is the name that my three year old self gave to my grandparent's house (my then house as well) when the lot of us all moved in. Now, like many of my "memories" from that time, I don't actually remember the origin of them since I was so small. All I know is, is that the name of the house is The Creek House, and I am credited for it. There is even a plaque by the front door proudly displaying the name. It's just where I know I can go and be me, whoever that may be at that moment, and not have to worry about who is watching me and telling me that I am wrong. I always know that I can go there and find a good old cup of sweet tea, some home cooking, lots of love and sometimes even a glimpse of who I want to be when I re-enter the real world.

The Creek House is about 40 ish minutes away from my house, but it might as well be a world away. In the relatively short drive it takes to get there, I go from a miniature metropolitan area to the cow fields that most people thought didn't exist anymore. The house is on four acres of land, and used to be a functioning orange grove... Tropicana used to come and take (and by take I mean buy) our oranges. But over the years the grove has grown over, but what is left is still as stunning. Trees everywhere, creating this beautiful canopy over the property that just shields it from the rest of the world. Of course there is a creek... I wasn't a stupid child... and that leads out to the river. I spent so many of my days as a kid taking boat rides down that creek and out to the river. But once I got out there I was just happy to turn around. I liked the character of the creek, not the impersonal nature if the big river. I'm pretty sure that if I were any kind of artist I could map out for you every nook and cranny of that creek... that's how often I was out there.

But what I love most about the Creek House are the people who live there. My Poppy and Geema hold a very special place in my heart. They have loved me like there own, and have imparted wisdom to me that I hope to never take for granted. Each trip that I make out there is uniquely different but all so familiar. We eat, talk, pray and laugh together, and then I go back to what most people would deem as reality. It's where I go to center myself again, and to make sure that I still have my head on straight, cause trust me, if it weren't my Pop's would set it straight for me. In love of course.

Speaking of love, my grandparents have basically written the book on the subject. They have been married for half a century and have never betrayed that loyalty. Never have they looked in another direction, and they have always demonstrated not only the happy fuzzy feeling of love, but the lifestyle that love has to become for marriage to work. You don't always have to like each other, but you must always maintain respect for one another. Their story is one that Nicholas Sparks himself couldn't have written better. Geema was the only girl Poppy ever dated, and same with Geema. They fell in love, and stayed together while Poppy went away to architectural school for five years. As soon as he graduated, they eloped, and have been together ever since.

Well it was recently my Geema's birthday and we of course celebrated it with her all in our own way. While I was over at their house I saw the various cards that her kids had sent and the little gifts that we had given her, but there was one card that I did not recognize. So being the nosey little baby of the family that I sometimes am I went over, snatched it up and began to read it. It was from my Poppy. To his sweetheart. It touched me so much that it actually made me cry, and that is a feat. I even had to write it down so that I could write about it on here. Here is what the card said:

To my wife with all my love. Even when I first met you, I knew that somehow you would be the love of my life, and that's exactly what you are. No matter how many years go by, I'll still think of you as the person I want to share everything with. The person I most want to make happy. The one without whom life would never be the same. You are my world, my life, my everything. I love you with all my heart and I always will.

RIGHT?! And if that weren't enough, in Poppy's perfect, architectural block letter handwriting at the very bottom of the card were the words: Love you always and forever, Gene.

The lesson here is simple. Love is exactly what you make it to be. It can be small and pathetic, but if you let it, it can be that Nicholas Sparks, Disney Princess, love for the ages kind of fairytale but in real life. But even in its grander, it can be just as simple as a birthday card to your sweetheart, fifty years after you took your vows, and actually meant them.

Getting To Know You

Since moving back to Florida, I have been meeting quite a few people. I find this ironic, as I am currently living in my hometown where I was not only born, but bread. All of my family is here, however the life that I had here moved with me, and I feel as if I am literally starting over.

I am no stranger to meeting new people. I am a professional stranger of sorts, moving from place to place, taking job after job, and looking for those kindred spirits that you can not only have a working professional relationship with, but can also find some comfort in outside the job. But this kind of unfamiliarity rings familiar. I am used to making survival relationships to last me the duration of a show, or during a business function. Friendships with expiration dates. You fulfill the void of being alone, but you also know that you have control of absolutely everything that this person sees in you. You choose what to tell them and what to keep to yourself because hey, they aren't going to be around forever so why show them something that isn't sparkly. It's kind of like when you give a guest a tour of your home as opposed to showing the house to someone that's going to live there with you. Your guest has no right to look in the attic or rustle through your closet where you have thrown your dirty laundry. But if someone is looking to stay, eventually they are going to want to know what's behind that door you keep locked all the time, or why you won't allow them to look in your medicine cabinet. Sooner or later they are going to want to see everything, and you have no where to hide.

These are the kind of relationships I find myself creating. The kind where I know sooner or later something is going to fall out of my medicine cabinet, and someone is going to wonder what exactly I am keeping in there. At some point they are going to hear the skeletons in my closet and want to know why I have kept them there for so long. It has been a very long time since I have seen anything as permanent. I change my address as much as some women change their hair color, but I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. I am trying to spread some roots, and maybe even grow a few.

I find it ironic that most of the friends I am making have already passed through my life at some point. The people that I loved when I was so young have found me again, and are constantly telling me that I am exactly the same, but in such a different way. I am so blessed to be able to pick up where we left off, but at the same time there is a lot that has been missed... and I know that at some point I am going to have to fill in some blanks.

Some of the people I am allowing to put their foot through my door I can honestly say that that I wouldn't mind them poking around in my pantry and linen closets, but I'm worried about the day when they get to under my bed. I am forming relationships that I actually want to keep and I think knowing that is a really good first step. I haven't had butterflies over something new in a very long time. Tonight I felt them. I got goosebumps on my arms and a smile on my face that I couldn't wipe off even if I tried. And I like it. A lot. I am taking one day at a time like I normally do, but for the first time I am not stressed about how tomorrow will turn out, and I'm even trying to release the need of having to control the reactions to each of my actions. I am absorbing each moment for what it is, instead of wasting it wondering what the next one will hold. As I walked through the door after a really nice night tonight with a very nice someone I found myself singing under my breath the classic tune "getting to know you, getting to know all about you. Getting to like you, getting to hope you like me." And that's exactly what I'm doing. Getting to know you. Getting to know all about you. And hopefully you will want to get to know all about me too. All I can say is that I am very blessed by the ones that are making their entrances into my crazy story of a life, and I really hope that you stay for a while. "Getting to know you, getting to be free and breezy. When I am with you getting to know what to say. Haven't you noticed Suddenly I'm bright and breezy? Because of all the beautiful and new things I'm learning about you. Day by Day."

Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot...

I know that I am a few days late, and the new year has already greeted us, but that doesn't mean that I can't still write about it :) To me, new years eve is just another night, so as boring and unexciting as it is, I stayed home and didn't make a big fuss. As a matter of fact, I watched Barbie's Island Princess with my seven year old sister because neither one of us could sleep in lue of all of the festive fireworks going off in our neighborhood. I spent those hours between decades with someone I love with all of my heart, and don't think I could have had a better time if I were anywhere else in the world.

The one thing that I do enjoy about New Years however, is the chance to reflect on how life has surprised you in the last 365 days and start your sentences with "if someone would have told me" and end them with "I never would have believed them." I have not only looked back on this year, I have read my thoughts on this throughout this year, and I just love every word. If I knew then what I know now, I would have hugged myself and said baby just you wait.

This year has been full of moments for me. And a lot of those moments were full of decisions. I really do believe that this is my first grown up year. I say that because I have not apologized for life, instead I have lived it for everyone to watch if they so choose, and I have never been happier. Me and my God are driving this life of an eccentric, life loving and risk taking Miss Whittamore, and I only hope that I can keep this pattern up.

I know that people usually make New Years resolutions during this time, and with the best of intentions, but I also know that they fall to the wayside when life happens. I can't say that I don't have goals for this year, because I most certainly do, but I am not going to be so narrow minded as to map them out. If I do, I am limiting myself to only my idea of this life, instead of being open to letting others have a hand in my progress. Would I like to shed a few pounds? Of course! who doesn't?! But I am also not going to set a deadline for that because I don't want to kill myself if I don't make it. The goal is instead to live a healthy lifestyle, and if a consequence of that is losing a few pounds then of course that is welcome. Do I want to keep climbing this ladder that I have found myself on? Why yes I do, but I am not going to kill myself if I don't make it up 5 more rungs by 2012. I am going to be the best me I can be, make my own opportunities, and allow people to help me, instead of thinking I can do all of this alone. There is no shame in being helped, instead there are volumes of wisdom in allowing someone of more experience to guide you.

Once again, I find myself at a crossroad, but I have decided there are very few times when life doesn't leave you without options. Many of the things I have shared my hopes for have indeed come true. So far in the new year I have Beehive down in Naples to look forward to, several contracted vocal gigs, some prospects with the theatre comapnies I hav put my foot in the door of this year, the opportunity to be a voice mentor in training with the goal of teaching a wonderful voice curriculum, a few recording opportunities, as well as the opportunity to advance in my day job at the staffing agency. I am blessed beyond measure that on day 2 of the new year I already have so much to look forward to, but I am also excited that the way I see things happening right now is certainly not the way they will look months down the line. Life is more manageable when looked at as a scavenger hunt as opposed to a surprise party, and I can't wait to find some more clues that lead me to the prize.

Nothing about me is original, I am a compilation of everyone I have ever met. I look forward and challenge those in my future, to keep me on my toes.

Happy New Year to you all. How do you measure a year in the life? How about love.

Good Morning Baltimore!!

So kids... It HAPPENED!!!

In case you haven't been frequenting my facebook page, my mom's page, my GRANDMA's page and didn't hear the news... I went on as Tracy Turnblad in Hairspray this weekend at Broadway Palm. And let me just tell you, the first emotion I experienced was not joy...

To those of you that know me, know that I am NOT a morning person. I'm not even a mid-morning person. I'm BARELY a noon girl, and even then I still need to not talk for about a half an hour after I wake up. So normally, people don't call me. They know better. But Saturday morning was different.

I had gotten a text the night before from our stage manager which simply stated "(Tracy) has a soar throat. She is performing tonight but be ready to go on this weekend just is case." To say I panicked is an understatement. I was shopping with Emily, and I'm pretty sure if you asked her she would tell you that all the color drained from my face. We were shoe shopping, and all the sudden all I could think is I HAVE to go home and watch the video I had taken of the choreo and run lines. Through all the madness I had the brilliant idea to actually GO to the show and stand in the wings to make sure I knew the entire track, including all the backstage goings ons.

After the show I felt much better. I knew that I had everything in line and that if pigs sprouted wings and hell froze over, I would be fine. I ran a few extra things with Michael (Link) just to be safe, said goodnight to the stage manager Adam, and headed for home. He had said in our parting words that it was still unclear whether or not I would be going on, but that he would give me a call in the morning if I was going on. What we figured the scenario would be is that I would watch the matinee, have a put in rehearsal with the cast (which would be my first rehearsal as Tracy) and then go on for the evening show and the possibly on Sunday.

At 10:00 I was wide awake. And it's a good thing too because that's when I got the call. "It's you." All day?? "Yep. Get down here as soon as you can, we need to fit you for the costumes." I went and threw up.

Mom packed me all up with some snacks which we both knew I wouldn't eat, some smart water (to make me smarter of course) and a whole bunch of prayers and love. On the way to the theatre I may or may not have had to make a pit stop to throw up again, but all things considered I think that is just OK. You probably would have too don't lie.

The funniest thing is that my concerns weren't what you would have thought they would have been, but that's what makes me me. For example, I am smaller than our Tracy, and I didn't know until I walked in at 11 that I had a fat suit so the costumes would fit me properly. YAY. I was having visions of costumes falling off of me and being all exposed on stage (however my shirt did fly open during one of the numbers, but it wasn't terribly noticeable and it was my fault, I didn't fasten it well enough). I also knew that I am almost 4 inches shorter than our Tracy, and that concerned me. I was afraid that when I had to kiss Link, I would only make it to his sternum... I didn't take into account that he could help me lol.

When I got to the theatre and backstage the whole cast was there waiting for me, brimming with encouraging hearts and loving spirits. Since they had a promotional event that was previously planned, there was no time for me to have a put in rehearsal. So Adam put on his actor hat and played every role in the show while I ran around the stage like a mad woman making sure I had my blocking down.

Showtime was quickly approaching and I was finally excited. I had done my work. I had said my prayers and this is where God had brought me for a reason, not to mention I was surrounded by a cast that wanted nothing more than for me to succeed. Chuck (Edna) "tucked me in" into the signature stand up bed for the top of the show and just told me that when it comes down to it, it's all about air and water. Make sure I have my water on both sides of the stage, and get deep enough breaths to keep going. After that each member of the cast made their way to me, each giving me a little bit more strength by wishing me the best, and actually meaning it. Then they made the announcement. "Today the role of Tracy Turnblad will be played by Courtney Whittamore." I smiled so big I got a cramp in my cheeks.

By the grace of God, the shows went so so SO well. I had more fun than I have ever had in my whole entire life. Yes I dropped a line here and there, or maybe didn't do this move exactly perfect, but I did it. It was my show. Being the perfectionist I am, I was saying this to my dear friend Clinton when I said "I know everything I did wrong." to which he responded "But do you know everything you did right?" Yeah. He got me on that one. I received many compliments from my cast mates and family, all of which deeply touched my heart. I am not a one woman show. I know I did not do this on my own. I have a fantastic cast, the best family and an Amazing savior to thank for this. And I am also taking some credit for myself. I am proud of myself. Proud and pleased. :)

From this weekend I have a months worth of happy, hilarious and touching memories. Jennie giving me her time and her servant's heart to make sure I was ready, dressed, calm and confident. Making that Welcome to the 60's twenty second quick change with Amy and Scott, having never rehearsed it and rewarding myself with my very own Jersey Shore fist pump at the end. Clinton smiling a proud friend's smile at me every chance I got to look at him. Walter telling me how happy he was to work with me. Ayana looking me in the eye, taking me by the hand and telling me that she loved me and that I would do great. Trevor being a complete goof and just making me smile. Being on the receiving end of Negdra bringing down the with I know where I've been and bringing me to tears. Literally belting Michael's face off in I Can Hear The Bells, and acting along side of him for the duration of the show. Dancing like a crazy person with Lisa and laughing at our own little jokes. Getting to play with Chuck and Paul, learning and absorbing anything and everything I could from my stage mama. Adam playing every role before curtain for me to make sure I had my lines and trying not to laugh/throw up from anxiety. Actually being scared of Amy when she towered over me in Baltimore crabs, then later learning she actually had a hard time being mean to me. Watching Lara do her thing up close and personal, and respecting her all the more for what she does. Getting HUGE hugs from Courtney Love in the wings. Watching Ford twirl his fanny off. Getting encouraging glances from Nina, Cameron, and Kierstan whenever I could look at them. Standing alone on the stage singing the Good Morning Baltimore Reprise. Taking my first final bow. Seeing my mom's proud face in the audience. And these are just a FEW of my lovely memories!! Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who was involved... This is just the beginning guys!!

This is All

You know when you have those days when you have a whole bunch of feelings and thoughts swimming around in your head but you can't pinpoint exactly what any of them are so you end up just being stoic? If you don't that's OK. Actually it's probably better if you haven't... I certainly wouldn't call it a great feeling. I'm there right now. I just got back from a great gathering with my company for the fourth thrown for us by our executive producer, and yeah I had a great time, but for some reason I felt out of place. I'm now sitting on my couch in the dark because I couldn't be bothered to turn on the lights listening to Hide and Seek, and I just want this feeling out of my stomach... so I'm going to try and sort it all out here.

I went to a play reading this past friday night at midnight. It's sort of a tradition that we have started here. We jokingly call it artistic Friday's, but essentially that is what it is. Any member of the cast that has anything original that they would like to share can do so on one of our cast member's porches and we can provide feedback. Thus far we have been reading plays written by members of our cast and are cast and read by other members of the cast. This week's play was a bit more intense than the others; it was based on the life and events surrounding the scandle of Fredrico Garcia Lorca's dissapearence/death. I walked into this reading blind... I didn't know a THING about any of what was being dicussed... including who Lorca even was. As the play was being read however, I learned that he was a revolutionary writer and person, bringing to light subject matter that others were scared to even discuss, much less put it on the stage. There was one line in the play that sailed straight into my heart... "I am Fredrico Garcia Lorca. That is all I can ever be."

I am insecure. I can be socially awkward sometimes and can become easily introverted if I'm not comfortable. I'm a walking condradiciton. I can be the funny girl who makes the whole room laugh, and the next minute I am wishing I were in someone elses skin. I'm an actor who loves to sit at home and be alone from time to time. I can't compete with people who are "on" all the time , and to be truthful I won't. It would be a waste to change the person I am just so someone else will look my way. I wish sometimes I were as confident as my words, and I know that I can be, I think it just takes time. Now by no means am I a sad little girl crying in a corner, this is just what has been swimming through my head. I like who I am, I have worked hard to be this person. I am all I can ever be.

There's Only This.

I have begun the first line of this post over just about ten times. My mind is heavy with a lot of different things... the kind of things that you keep pretending don't exist until you sit down on your couch at four in the morning and are resolved to eat cold queso and stale chips alone because its really all that you can do...

I am in the midst of a life changing experience. I am a working actress with a place to live, a wonderful roomie to witness my life, and a show to work on that touches people's lives. I am blessed beyond reproach to be doing the very thing I know without a doubt I have been created to do every day I wake up. However, the one thing that I am learning is that your dreams come with a price as well.

People hurt. I hurt. We watch each other tear ourselves apart with no way to fix it because we know deep down that we can't repair someone else when we can't even put ourselves back together. You can't will a heart to heal. No band aid is big enough and no glue is strong enough to keep one together once it has been broken. There is no need for yelling when a whisper of doubt alone can shatter your soul. Whispers of I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not talented enough, are more than enough to cause permanent damage... and it happens to everyone.

The more I get to know my wonderful, beautiful and caring cast, the more I hear and see that each one of us has been hurt in some fashion, and are trying desperately to cover it up or just brush it off all together. Something I have decided over the past few days is that there is no shame in admitting that you have been hurt. My roomie has also started to blog, and in her most recent post she mentioned a night where both of us were talking about how we viewed love with another girl in the cast. When we had concluded our stories which were far from the fairytale we all hoped they would turn out to be, she said "You both are so brave to have loved with such passion." That has stayed with me since that night. I think that it is brave to admit that you loved so fiercely that it cost you something you may never get back. I have a giant heart. I trust anyone until they give me a reason not to and I will love you until you tell me I shouldn't. Many people have told me I am foolish and even crazy for opening up so much to so many, and there are plenty of times that I actually agree with them, but I know in my heart that God made us to love this way. My heart has been broken, and if I am really honest with myself, sometimes I think that it still may be... but I know that's OK. I did something brave. I loved someone more than I love myself, and to me that is the most I can do with the life I have been given.

As I sit here on my couch listening to Rent (yes when I am pensive the emotional musical theatre geek comes alive in me) I can't help but smile. Even though there are so many things in the past and even in my present that I can dwell on and re work in my mind, I don't need to. Love knows no time and no bounds, so I'm not going to either. I am going to keep breathing and loving as fiercely as ever and never apologize. Jonathan Larson knew what he was doing when he wrote the words to this song... and yes I am going to be a dork and quote rent and you are going to love it.
"There is no future, there is no past. Thank God this moment's not the last. There's only us. There's only this. Forget regret- or life is yours to miss. No other road. No other way. No day but today."

Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye... I Mean See Ya Later...

Today is the day. My stuff is all crammed into Theressa... and by stuff I mean WAYY too much stuff, but hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Per usual to my traveling M.O. I still have a few things here and there that I need to pack up because I needed them to get ready this morning or I was just too tired from packing all the big stuff that I just left it to do thins morning. Even with the small amount still left to pack, I am sitting in the room I have grown up in, looking around wondering where all the time has gone.

This is not my first time leaving home, not by any stretch of the imagination. I have traveled all over the country and have had stints of living in many places, all by myself. I started this trend at the age of 16, so this is most certainly not a new sensation to me. This leaving home thing. For a while I didn't even acknowledge anywhere as home, but I think that everyone goes through that stage, however this trip home, this most unexpected time home, helped me rediscover my heart, and my love, and I think that may be why its so hard to break away this time.

I have spent the last three days saying goodbyes, and they all seem to be progressing in their intensity. I had to say Peace out to my lovely Ambie Bambi... Who I will miss terribly and love SO MUCH its retarded. She is one of the few friends that I have that supports me without jealousy and is my biggest fan all the way. I love you PHPA :) you better keep in touch while in Germany! I also said goodbye to my grandparents on Thursday, which while difficult because of how precious they are to me, it is a little easier to bid them farewell. A lot of our relationship is over the phone because of the distances I have traveled through the years, and this trip won't change that pattern. I know that they will always be here for me and the fact I have a job far away will not change that. I also said goodbye to the little boy I have been nannying for and his sweet mother. I will miss them terribly and I feel like I have become a part of their little family. I can't wait to come back and start working for them again. They are truly blessings in my life.

Then I had to say bye to my munchkins. This is the most horrible invention of all time. I can't type too much about it or the tears that involuntarily flow when I think about their beautiful hearts and sweet innocents will begin to flow. I sometimes feel like I am a bad sister, for coming and going out of their lives all the time to pursue this crazy dream of mine. I just have to remind myself that I am doing this for them too. I am setting the example for what it is to follow your heart and the will of Christ, not matter how hard it is and no matter how far away it may take you. I am so blessed to have them in my life, and I know that these tears are silly, because they would much rather me go away and be happy doing what I am made to do than stay here and waste my gifts.

Then there is Mommy. Man oh man. Over the years we have had our differences, and they have been big ones. However during my time home God did something miraculous. He wiped away the past and let us start over. We have both been striving to better ourselves on our own terms, and I think that we were both of the same mind that we need to improve the quality of life. I did that by leaving a toxic environment, she did that by getting healthy. I found my best friend again, and I really don't want to leave her. So in North Carolina you will all see me sitting anywhere there is free Internet skyping with my Ma and the kids. I love you all so very much, and I will see you soon.

I don't know why I am so nostalgic!! This is so very unlike me. I am violently independent, so I try not to get attached, but I've learned its OK to let people in your heart. I never and I mean NEVER get this way before a trip. So this is silly. I think it may be a combination of nerves, fear, and contentment. I can predict everything that happens here, yet I have NO idea what I am getting into. I am super excited, yet it's hard to know how to be excited because I don't know what's going to happen. I guess we are all going to find out rather quickly!! (I am going to post as MUCH as I can while I am down there, but they may be a bit more sparse :( not sure what the Internet situation will be or what my schedule looks like. I'll keep you posted!)

So. Off to North Carolina I go!! I am ready, and soon I will grab the keys to my car, pick up Dad, and hit the open road. One more adventure to add to my wonderful life, and I am so stoked to see what my life is going to blossom into because of this. So to all of you I am leaving for a while, I love you very much, and will see you later :)

"May the Lord keep watch between you and me while we are away from each other." Gen. 31:49

Romeo

Today I went out with my boyfriend. Wait... what? I'm sure you are all thinking, she just wrote a beautiful dissertation about being single just the other day, and already she's taken? It must have been an epic fairy tale of some kind, seeing as that's all she seems to go for these days. He probably read her blog, fell in love with her outlook on life, sense of humor and way with words. Her cute smile probably didn't hurt either. Then he called her up, and told her that even though she had been in front of his face all this time, he could see clearly now, the rain had gone. Without waiting for her reply he had to have rushed over to her house with a bouquet of flowers, swept her off her feet and awaited her answer in person. Being the sucker she is of course she said yes, and they rode off together in a mustang. The car. Not the horse. Her fear of horses would interfere with her happily ever after.

Well as much as I would like to tell you that that is exactly how it happened, and even correct you when you omit the details about my ball gown and glass slippers, that's not the case. My story might be better.

Today I spent the day with the most important man in my life. Carter James. My four year old brother. He was our very own little surprise, and everyone knows how I LOVE surprises. After we adopted my favorite little girl in the world, we found out that Mom was preggers. How did we know you ask? (besides the obvious) I caught her eating bacon. She is a vegetarian. Enough said.

So enters my baby boy. And man is he a boy though and though. He loves cars and trains and recently Mario cart. But the even cooler thing, is he acts like me. FINALLY! Someone who has my weird quirks. You don't have to entertain him one bit. He can sit in the same spot for hours with the same toy, in he case, trains, and create a world all his own around it. He even has his very own imaginary friend named Jack. Jack lives at his grandma and grandpa's house and looks like Carter. Exactly. But don't ever bring Jack up to him, it is a very sacred subject that is only breached by his initiation.

So neither one of use were feeling very well today, so we hung out at home with Mom.He woke me up by surprising me with 3 Hershey kisses he had hidden under a pair of shorts in my room and a big Cart James kiss. Later I sat in the recliner while I watch him play every game there is on the Wii Sport Resort. Not only did he play them, he mastered them. From time to time Mom had to leave and do grown up things like pick up faith and make lunches and things like that, but Carter and I were happy to stay where we were and eat peanut butter sandwiches and watch Curious George.

Throughout the day, even though he didn't feel well, and is much worse off than I am, he continuously checked on me. What I mean by this is he would ask me if I was feeling OK, tell me I was his favorite, that he loved me and that I am beautiful and gorgeous. Now most kids tell you they love you after you tell them you love them. They tell you that you are their favorite after you buy them a toy. They ask you if you are OK only if they want to deflect attention from themselves. And they only tell you that you are beutiful when you are all dressed up with somewhere to go. I tell my brother I love him all the time, but today he told me first. I give my brother things when I can, but he told me I was his favorite without a bribe. My brother from time to time wants to deflect, but today he asked if I was ok because he saw I wasn't feeling well. He even looked at me sitting on the couch, in my gray sweatpants, oversized camp t-shirt, and hair all a curly mess, and still called me beautiful. This is what women dream of in a handsome prince, including myself. I have been searching high and low for my Romeo, but he has been sleeping in the room next door all along. My baby has such a huge place in my heart that will only grow, which I can't even imagine, becuase of its size already. So for now, I am just fine, for I have pure love. Thanks little Romeo :)

Wonder Woman

So in this process of growing up I have noticed something interesting. Parent's aren't super heroes. They are regular human beings that disappoint, make mistakes, and say harsh things. The shift from seeing my mom as Wonder Woman to just a normal person has been a really hard one, but ultimately a necessary one. People always tell me you can't believe in fairy tales forever, and as much as I fight it, I know they are right.

When I was younger, I always said I was my mom on the outside and my dad on the inside. My dad and I shared a very thick layer or sarcasm and seemingly had the same view on things... cynical. My mom was much more analytical and planned. I am my mother's very own carbon copy, and when we are out in public we ALWAYS without fail get told that we are sisters. I told her one day that if someone tells me that I am the older one I am going to have a mental break down. Luckily for the both of us, that hasn't happened yet. Crazier things have happened though and I wouldn't put it past the world to play such a cruel prank on me.

In the heat of my teenage years, I can ashamedly remember saying that I didn't want to be like my mom. She was too uptight and willing to compromise, while all I wanted to be was a free spirit with no ties. It is no secret that mom's and daughters fight during that time, but throw a new house, and two new additions to the family in the mix and you have a disaster on your hands.

Then, I got sick. Wonder Woman was back. For four solid years my mom was the singular source of deep emotional support, while my dad was the stronghold of the finances. Without the thousands of hours my dad has worked I know that I wouldn't be in the health I am today. My mom never left my side. From city to city we traveled searching for the answer and I was so so grateful to have her there with me. Even to this day she gives me the injections I need to stay healthy. Who else would do that? I have my very own super hero.

I'm sure you are wondering why I am writing this sappy ode to my mom seemingly out of nowhere. While it is sappy, it is not without cause. Mom and I got the chance to spend some time together one on one tonight for the first time in months. We went to the mall and of course didn't spend any money at all... yeah right... and then settled on going to dinner at crisper's. (That place is delicious by the way.. it was my first time)

Tonight I was more relaxed than I have been in weeks and laughed harder than I have in months. I for once didn't have to entertain anyone or put on a show or even make small talk. In out few hours together I noticed, not only am I my mom on the outside, I am my mom through and through. Even though she may not get to be Wonder Woman all the time, she isn't just a regular person... she's my best friend. Even Wonder Woman couldn't be Wonder Woman all the time. She had a regular job, friends and a family outside of her supernatural life. Now I know that you aren't supposed to reveal a super hero's identity, but sorry Mom the cats out of the bag. I may be gone for a while, but that doesn't mean that things have to change. I love you with all my heart, and wouldn't be who I am without you. You are simply the best. :)