Thursday, May 19, 2011

I've Got The Joy

So last night after spilling my proverbial guts out onto this blog in the most thoughtful way I know how, I felt a peace that has eluded me for quite some time. I am really a huge fan of peace, in really every setting that it can make an appearance. I like peaceful nights at home alone, I like peaceful conversations, I like peaceful politics and peaceful hearts. However, I think often time that peace can be confused with contentment, and contentment is often misconstrude as complacent. I never want to make such a vital mistake. To be content in the sense that I see it, is to give up and almost quit. I never want to feel that I have it all and can slow up. That's the day I know that I need to start over.

So I felt this peace. And of course it wasn't enough to just feel the peace, I had to understand it. So I took out my stethescope and blood pressure cuff and began taking the vital signs of my emotional state. As I began asking questions I shocked myself with several of the answers I found. I began to realize just how deep this river has flown.

I have been uneasy for quite some time about several of my major life choices. There comes a time in each and every one of our lives when we find ourselves getting ready to tackle a day in this life that we created and we catch ourselves looking at our reflection a second too long. We see a shadow fall across our eyes that the florecent beams in the bathroom could not have created, and we entertain the fleetin thought of "is what I'm doing enough?" I often wonder this. Am I doing enough? And then I do the worst possible thing I could do. I compare. But the best part is I don't compare myself to someone else. I compare myself to myself. I begin to think "am I as valuable as I was when I was at school or when I lived out of town? Have a settled by coming back here? Am I enough?" And then I throw a metaphorical martini in my face to jump back to reality and keep going with my day.

I know this is a jump but it will come full circle. I am a facebook junkie. I think my favorite part of it is getting tagged in pictures. Well I have been getting tagged in bountiful images recently due to Beehive and now that it's over, it is so comforting to see the images that were taken in the moment. In each frame without fail, I have been shocked by my apperance. My smile is so real in every single picture. Every single one. This goes from promotional pictures for the press, to the silly picture of Megan and I in our wig caps before the show. And it's not just happy. It's joy. And I have always been told by my wise mother that happy is a feeling. Joy is a lifestyle. I have found joy again.

So as I was taking count of my new discoveries I began to smile at myself. I have been living what I have been preaching to so many of my friends that are also watching themselves shape shift in the mirror. Everything I have done until this moment has made me who I am. And not a moment too soon. Now is always on time, and I am precicely on time to be who I am destined to be. And this goes for everything. From my day job, to my show schedules, to my family, to my car situation, to the possibility of moving out, to whom I choose to go on dates with, to who chooses to ask me out on more than one date. It's all fine. I am not in control, even though I want so desperatly to be. The first step is admitting the problem, and letting go. The second is grabbing onto something else. Well I have a grip on joy. I've got the Joy joy joy joy down in my heart. Down in my heart. Down in my heart to stay.

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