Sunday, June 13, 2010

It's the Little Things

I don't plan things. I don't make lists, nor am I organized. However, my mom is. She has a list of things that must be done and the exact time that they are to be done in. This used to drive me CRAZY as a kid... ok well, maybe it still drives me crazy but that isn't the point. Even through my hatred, there were times that I saw the validity in being so put together with to do lists and strict deadlines, and even tried that hat on myself. Especially when I was going through college applications and decisions like that I felt the need to be a grown up. However as I have gotten older I have discovered that its not just tasks that I fail to plan out, but even where I am going to be next or what I want to do with my days are left in the wind.

I remember when I was in high school I had this huge project due that I really didn't want to get started on, and because I am stubborn and won't do anything i don't want to do until the very last minute, I tried thinking of ways to stall. All through my high school years a dear friend of mine and I carpooled to and from school together, even when we both had our drivers licenses. Now Linds was a task master as well, so i knew that if she knew i had a task to complete then there would be no goofing around, which is why i mostly keep my business under my hat. That afternoon we were sitting around on my patio, and had the novel idea to make our own canoe. We had talked for weeks about having our own canoe for this reason or that, but once we saw their price tags became slightly deterred. So that afternoon we gathered whatever we could around my house, which amounted to pool noodles, card board boxes, electrical tape, bubble wrap, and a prayer. We spent all afternoon constructing our masterpiece, with plans to use it that night in my pool. After we finished putting it together we prepared for our maiden voyage... and immediately sank... fully clothed and all. It may have been silly, and in the end I had to pull an all nighter to finish that project, but it was spontaneous and brought the kind of laughter you only hear when someone is purely happy. I still think back on that afternoon as one of the best I ever had.

Now I promise there is a reason I have been thinking about all of this. The last few days I have been down on myself, because I have been under the weather and out from the show due to doctor's orders. It hurts my heart when I want to do something and my body just won't let me. I got the medicine I needed and I should be fine from this point out, however I don't like the doubt that these last few days have placed in the mind of my colleagues. I can do this, I just have to do it in a different way than you would expect. I realized that I don't plan, because it hurts too much when I see those plans fly out the window, even the smallest of plans, because my body says no. Many a dream and plan has done that in my lifetime, and in the end I know they are just changing, not leaving, but none the less its not easy for me.

That's why last night made me so happy. I had been trapped in my apartment and by default my mind as well for the last two days, and seeing my own improvement in my movement and tolerance I decided that it was ok to go out and see some people. Every Saturday night there is a blow out in the grove with a unique theme, and I just wanted to go be around people. As way would have it, I was WIDE awake, because the medicine I was given makes me super drowsy, so in point of fact I had slept all day long. Sooner than I expected there were only a few of us left outside, and the sun was coming up to say good morning. We in our delirious splendor decided that going to breakfast was the thing to do, and that is exactly what we did. I can honestly say i have never been in better company and laughed more at 6am than I did this morning. I had surpassed happiness and gone straight for joy. Its the little things that go unplanned and unnoticed that make me think that its all going to be ok. It's all going to be ok.

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