Thursday, June 24, 2010

There's Only This.

I have begun the first line of this post over just about ten times. My mind is heavy with a lot of different things... the kind of things that you keep pretending don't exist until you sit down on your couch at four in the morning and are resolved to eat cold queso and stale chips alone because its really all that you can do...

I am in the midst of a life changing experience. I am a working actress with a place to live, a wonderful roomie to witness my life, and a show to work on that touches people's lives. I am blessed beyond reproach to be doing the very thing I know without a doubt I have been created to do every day I wake up. However, the one thing that I am learning is that your dreams come with a price as well.

People hurt. I hurt. We watch each other tear ourselves apart with no way to fix it because we know deep down that we can't repair someone else when we can't even put ourselves back together. You can't will a heart to heal. No band aid is big enough and no glue is strong enough to keep one together once it has been broken. There is no need for yelling when a whisper of doubt alone can shatter your soul. Whispers of I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not talented enough, are more than enough to cause permanent damage... and it happens to everyone.

The more I get to know my wonderful, beautiful and caring cast, the more I hear and see that each one of us has been hurt in some fashion, and are trying desperately to cover it up or just brush it off all together. Something I have decided over the past few days is that there is no shame in admitting that you have been hurt. My roomie has also started to blog, and in her most recent post she mentioned a night where both of us were talking about how we viewed love with another girl in the cast. When we had concluded our stories which were far from the fairytale we all hoped they would turn out to be, she said "You both are so brave to have loved with such passion." That has stayed with me since that night. I think that it is brave to admit that you loved so fiercely that it cost you something you may never get back. I have a giant heart. I trust anyone until they give me a reason not to and I will love you until you tell me I shouldn't. Many people have told me I am foolish and even crazy for opening up so much to so many, and there are plenty of times that I actually agree with them, but I know in my heart that God made us to love this way. My heart has been broken, and if I am really honest with myself, sometimes I think that it still may be... but I know that's OK. I did something brave. I loved someone more than I love myself, and to me that is the most I can do with the life I have been given.

As I sit here on my couch listening to Rent (yes when I am pensive the emotional musical theatre geek comes alive in me) I can't help but smile. Even though there are so many things in the past and even in my present that I can dwell on and re work in my mind, I don't need to. Love knows no time and no bounds, so I'm not going to either. I am going to keep breathing and loving as fiercely as ever and never apologize. Jonathan Larson knew what he was doing when he wrote the words to this song... and yes I am going to be a dork and quote rent and you are going to love it.
"There is no future, there is no past. Thank God this moment's not the last. There's only us. There's only this. Forget regret- or life is yours to miss. No other road. No other way. No day but today."

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