Words are a freeing thing. At least for me they are. Especially when you can write them down. There is something about seeing exactly what you are thinking being typed out in front of you. It makes my thoughts real ya know? They may mean something to me, but they can't have any impact until I get them out of my head and into the world. That is certainly something I need to work on. Getting out of my own head. It's not only important to do for Courtney the actor, but its necessary for Courtney the person. I think the thing I need to wrap my head around and prioritize and maybe sift through better are the words of others. Which ones are important and which ones are true and which ones are necessary and which ones are meaningless? If you have the answer please... let me know. I'm tired of looking!
I am an analyzer, which I find rather amusing. For some absurd reason I must know everything about meaning and tone or I drive myself mad trying to figure it out. I become this obsessive little detective that isn't properly trained in the slightest and try and figure out what every little detail means. I not only drive myself crazy, but I become an annoyance to EVERYONE I can possibly get to talk to me about the situation. I become the energizer bunny. I don't quit. And the funny thing is, I have never, not once, figured any of it out.
I started this insane process tonight. I saw something in print that I didn't really care for that included me, and I began the ridiculous cycle of turning into Harriet the Spy. I whipped out my over sized magnifying glass ignoring the fact that I am an armature. I began to worry, fret, and even sweat over something that most likely (and always usually does when I go into this sort of tirade) means less than absolutely nothing. I then began phase two of blowing it WAY out of proportion. I began to see these words as another language and started interpreting them into what I think is universal English when really its the exclusive "Courtney is silly" speak. I began to postulate that something terrible had been unearthed about me and that somehow some intimate detail of my life had been discovered and that now this person could possibly hold the key to my undoing. Hi. My name is Courtney and I really hope that I am not the only one that does this. In the likely event that I am, I would like to take out the custom made shade of humiliation and color my entire being with it. If not, well. This sucks right?
So this went on for... well... too long. I ranted to a friend about it. Felt a touch better. Then, while sitting at my computer staring at my news feed on facebook... someone held a mirror up to my face. A piece of my past, made themselves apart of my today, and just at the right time. An old middle school friend of mine had found me on facebook... on of those friends you share secrets with and inside jokes with and just get to be a kid with. Well somehow she had heard about what I have been doing with my life and in the midst of her post to me she said "are you living those dreams you've always had?! I'm so happy and proud of you! You always were so talented!" Well... color me humbled. It wasn't what she said about me being talented or anything like that that brought me back to sanity... it was the fact that I looked at myself in the mirror she just held up to me, and I saw that I had placed myself back in middle school. Who cares if even the very worst possible scenario that I could think up IS true. I have had these dreams of mine for a very long time, that much is clear. They are the very first thing that are mentioned by a friend I haven't seen in YEARS. There have been scenes that actually played out that I made it through just fine, so why can't I get passed these imaginary ones? I need to take pride in the grown up that I am becoming, and leave my over sized magnifying glass to the next middle schooler that comes along. Words are such a freeing thing. They allow you to look at yourself in the mirror, hear the bell, pack up your bags and get back to life.