Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Whatever Is Lovely

The mind is a very powerful thing. It can take a situation and manipulate it into just about anything. Some call it lieing. Some call it insanity. Some call it imagination. Some call it art. I choose all of the above.

Everyone is a little bit crazy. You know that when you are home alone by yourself you start to talk to yourself. Or when you are in the car you start to sing maybe one or two lines of a song that have been playing through your head all day for no reason and then drop it. Or you look in the mirror and pretend you are someone else. Or walk out the door convincing yourself you really are someone else. No? Yeah that's what I thought.

When I was a kid I had a pack of imaginary friends, and I of course was the leader of them all. I usually tended to imagine that they all lacked something that I magically had, making myself feel superior to them in some way. Maybe one of them wasn't as pretty as I thought I was, or couldn't make people laugh like I thought I could. So I took these misfits under my wing and taught them all about as a six year old.

As a sixteen year old, the tables had swiftly turned. Life became really hard really fast, and all of the sudden this imagination of mine swirled out of control, painting pictures of failure, loss, and disappointment. I would wake up with a start at night with the lingering thought of "you just aren't good enough." The sad thing is I started to believe it, just like I believed with all my heart that my imaginary friends were as real as they come.

Life is always a transitioning phase whether you want to believe it or not. Things are ALWAYS changing, you just may not see it. I am very aware of the transition stage I am in right now... I need to step back into my own life I've started to build. I took a hiatus for a second, but it's time to be this grown up I want to be. Being in a vulnerable spot like that always makes you a little crazy. I'm an artist who desperately throws her heart into every aspect of life I possibly can, and I sometimes forget that the whole world can see. I don't live inside some sheltered place anymore, and that can be a daunting thing. I have bills to pay and expectations to meet, and I desperately don't want to fail.

My mom is a very wise woman. When I was a kid (and sometimes even now) I had some extremely realistic night terrors. I would run into her room and crawl up in bed with her, letting my tears soak her pillow. In her groggy state she would rub my eye brows and tell me "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praise worthy, think about such things." - Philippians 4:8 and with a kiss would send me back to my room. As I lay there I would think of the most beautiful things I possibly could, and would fall asleep to the thoughts of flower filled meadows and rainbows and chocolate and pretty shoes... all things little girls think are beautiful.

As I get ready to go to bed tonight, I am going to hush these insecurities by thinking of all of the lovely things in my life. Parents who love me enough to usher me into this awkward time between teenager and adult with grace and as much ease as they can muster. Two beautiful siblings that hold my heart in their precious little hands. Finally being able to be close to the family I hold so dear to my heart. Being able to pursue my dream as a career and also have a steady job that allows me to shoot for the stars. Friends that even though are mostly far away, have my best interest at heart. And most importantly a loving God, who has been so merciful to give all of these things to me.

Tomorrow I finally get to go back to work! It's going to be tiring I'm sure, but I'm praying it goes well. We will see soon enough!

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