Just Live Until I Die

I want to be a hero. Instead I wait for someone to come save me. I want to change the world. Instead I wait to be told what to do. I want to believe in more than just you and me. But I can't even look at the reflection in the mirror. I want to have my fairytale. But I let reality convince me they don't exist. I want to be extraordinary. But I settle for just OK. I want to rule the world. But I can't even rule my own life. I want to take control. But when I look around all I see is chaos. I want to be loved. But how can I allow someone to love me when I can't even say that I love myself. I want to be "enough" in the eyes of the ones I love. But how will I truly ever know what enough is. I want to be a dreamer. But I always let reality wake me back up. I want to just be. But I never just want to exist.

Have you ever thought any of these things before? I know that I have... I mean obviously since I am the hand that wrote them. This paragraph makes me sick, because it's what's wrong. With what you ask? With everything. It's what's wrong with the way we prioritize what's important. It's what's wrong with how we give advice. It's what's wrong with how we raise our children. It's what's wrong with how we run our government. It's what's wrong with how we love this beautiful world full of immaculate people that were created out of pure love just for us. My hands are shaking with emotion as I write all of this out.. and that hasn't' happened for me in a long time. This is what I truly feel deep down. That we put on a face, a veneer, a show even for the world and we never get down to what we really feel and think and need. And trust me. I know all about putting on a show. It's my life. And unfortunately I know how to do it all too well.

This weekend I have been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of procrastinating. I have been thinking about basically everything that has been going on for me recently and have been procrastinating with everything I need to be doing to keep up. I began to think about these relationships I have been building with people. And how happy I am now that I've done it. But deep down I know that I am still holding back. I am showing them the Courtney I already know that everyone will love. The performance Courtney, the surface Courtney. So then I began to wonder what would happen if I changed the plot of the show, and came out as the less sparkly version of myself. Instead of having all of these beautiful production numbers backing me up, what if all I had was a simple stool, the ghost light, and my words. And what about my list? What if I came at it with simple determination to get it done to the best of my ability, not with the absurd idea that it has to be perfect. That I have to be perfect. It doesn't work that way. And if it has worked for you, please, write a book about it so that I can tell you that you're wrong.

So as I have been sitting here on my bed. I began to wonder. I HATE wondering. I want to know. Knowledge has always been my friend. My power. My back up plan. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we sabotage everything wonderful we have going for us with a simple smile and a complacent attitude? What happened to the fight for what we really want instead of this settling for what we are told? Why do we wait for someone to save us when we know that we can save ourselves? Or, why can't we realize that we don't really need to be saved, that we just need to live. Keith Haring, one of the greatest artists and humans I have had the pleasure of studying put it perfectly when he wrote in his journal, "I only wish that I could have more confidence and try and forget all my silly preconceptions, misdirections, and just live. Just live. Just. Live. Just live until I die."
-Keith Haring.