Monday, June 13, 2011

There's A Place For Us

Last night I allowed my geeky self to shine through. Not in front of anyone of course, but never the less there I was in all my dorky splendor enjoying every second I could of the fabulous display in front of me. Of course I am speaking of the Tony Awards. My once a year day where I can openly get really excited about a production number or cry along with the Tony winner as they give their heart felt acceptance speech. As I sat there in my dad's over sized t-shirt and my favorite pajama pants, I might as well have been wearing a ball gown that I couldn't breathe in and sitting in the audience myself. That's how excited I was. But as always when it came time for the commercial break, I allowed myself to think about some things that I don't really like to think about, and by the end of the telecast, I had learned something about myself.

I am going to be totally honest here. I have no idea what I'm doing. There I've said it. I have absolutely no idea what I think I am doing. But even more surprising than that. I am OK with it. Me and the unknown have somehow come to some sort of peace, and have decided to walk in tandem through this journey of life, and not nit pick at each other the whole way. Everyone knows that I am a performer. It is not just what I do, but it is who I am. But recently I have been tossing around the idea of where it should fit in my life. Should it be my career or my hobby? Should I continue to work locally as a professional or should I submit to other regional theatres and risk uprooting myself again? Do I want to move to the city in a year or is that still way out of reach? Is this even what I want anymore? I mean I have another great opportunity right in front of me as a Marketing Director and all that other really big corporate title talk.. and I love it. But can I really have both?

As I watched performance after performance my heart began to scream at my "you fool this is what you were made for. This is your purpose." But my head kept saying "You have more than one purpose, and do you really think that you can continue to keep up?" As my heart and head battled in the front seat of the car I sat in the back and just listened to all the beautiful sights and sounds that were being offered to me on this award shows. What I saw in every frame and every camera shot was joy. The joy of performing. The joy of theatre. The joy of remembering. The joy of achievement. But most of all the joy of sharing emotion with everyone else in the room, and having the guts to stand there and say "look at me, I am human. I want you to watch me live." That's when I figured it out. I am not what I do as a profession. I am a person who chooses to live life every day and say "Look at me, I am human. Watch me live." I mess up a lot. And by a lot I mean ALL THE TIME. I know that I don't have it right. But I certainly don't have it wrong. I have life. And I hope that I never forget that.

What I am trying to say is that I know that there is a place for me. I may not know where it is, but I am confident that I have one, and when I find it, I'll know. It's a beautiful place I'm sure. However, what I do know is that the journey to this beautiful place is just as spectacular. And you want to know what the best part is? I don't have to do it alone anymore. For so long... so very long I thought I had to be the strong one and do this for myself, by myself. But one of the beautiful lessons I have learned while growing up these past six months is that I am certainly not alone. I have some of the most beautiful people in the world that God has given me to hold my hand while we find where we fit. So hold my hand and we're halfway there. Hold my hand and I'll take you there. There's a place for us.

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