Monday, September 5, 2011

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

It's tough being a girl. It's even tougher being a woman. When you are just a girl, you can get away with being a little naive here and there, and you can still claim that your innocents isn't your fault. When you are a woman, that naivety is now somehow a flaw, and your innocents purely irresponsible. Somewhere in the middle of growing up we are some how supposed to know all there is to know, never make a mistake, and do it all while wearing high heels. To look beautiful is the duty of a woman. To speak eloquently is the demand on a woman. To be educated is expected of a woman. And to never be wrong is the curse of a woman.

I can proudly say of myself that I am a successful professional young woman. I am completely financially independent (save my health insurance) I have a wonderful job that I am good at and am advancing and thriving in. I have friends that I am proud to know, and family that I am privileged to love. However there are those that are shocked when they grow to see how truly independant I am. Of course I rely on the ones I love emotionally, because I think it is healthy to not exclude your heart from the world. But when it comes to doing, more often than not I am going to do exactly whatever it is that I have decided to do. And I will always do it without asking for help, even if I may need it.

Last night I got to go spend some very much needed quality time at the Creek House with my Geema Pops aunt Sissy and uncle Guy. I was bribed to drive all the way out to my first childhood home way out in the country with home made lemon cake, but I stayed put for the conversation and the love I always find there. Somehow I always find my peace when I go home. It reminds me where I started from; not only does that show me how far I've come, it shows me how close I still am to the little girl that ran through those orange groves bare foot counting the stars as if I could actually know how many there were.

During my visit the subject of my violent need for independence came up. I find myself in a situation where I feel severely limited, and am trying to find a way to either stick with it and suppress my need for freedom, or make a clean cut and keep doing as I always have. I've been in this spot before, and it actually scares me how strong my need to do things the way I see them really is, as opposed to keeping my head down and agreeing blindly so I don't rock the boat. So as I bring this up all the members of my family begin to smirk a little here and there, Sissy even begins to laugh a little. Wanting to know what was so funny about my problem I simply just posed a "What??" hoping they would explain the humor in my "serious situation" My pops just grinned at me and said "honey, from the time you were just a little girl you never wanted any one's help. You fed yourself, dressed yourself, heck you even taught yourself how to sing. And it wasn't because no one cared enough to teach you or help you. We wanted more than anything to do it all for you. But you taught us something by doing it on your own. That no matter what happened, you were gonna be able to stand on your own two feet." Then my sissy looked at my pops and said "Do you remember the day that she just decided that she was gonna walk? I had no idea what they were talking about. Apparently when I was nine months old I kept watching everyone walk in and out of the room I was in, and I wasn't very happy about it. I wanted to go where all my family was going. So I pulled myself up on the couch and pushed myself off of it as hard as I could. I somehow managed to walk all the way to the doorway in between the room I was in and the room people were walking to. From that day on I walked everywhere. I never crawled. Just walked.

Hearing this coming from the people that know the real heart of who I am just brought me some peace. I was made to be the way that I am. Of course I have flaws. But hitting the ground running with everything I have isn't one of them. I was created to be this woman and cary the duties that come along with it. With every stride I take I know that I am that much closer to being the person that I am meant to be. Am I busy? Absolutely. Probably "too busy" by the worlds standards. But as God would have it I also know what it's like to actually be incapable of producing anything close to busy. I feel like this strength I have right now should not go to waste, because every day I have it is a gift. Am I a woman? Yes. Am I still a little girl? Yes. Do I still have big dreams and hopes? Probably more so now than ever. Do I leave them just for when I'm fast asleep?...


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