Sunday, October 2, 2011

Dreaming Wide Awake

I can't sleep. I have no idea why because I am exhausted. I was even up "early" for a Saturday. And I say "early" because everyone who knows me knows that my version of early doesn't match the world's definition by any stretch of the imagination. But I am trying, and that should count for something. I have to be awake in roughly four hours to go sing at a church in Naples tomorrow. I mean today... I never do seem to get that right. In my world the day ends when I go to sleep and starts when I wake up... but unfortunately the rest of the world doesn't gage their time schedule around me. Anyhow. I find myself wide awake exactly when I shouldn't be, and as always these are the times in life where I realize something I would have missed had I been asleep.

Things lately have been moving really fast for me. Really really fast. And not just in one part of my life. Everywhere I look it's like everything is on fast-forward but for some reason someone forgot to wind me up so I can match the pace. It's certainly not a bad thing though. In a desperate attempt to hold on to this life I'm watching come together that I so splendidly get to call my own, I have seen so many wonderful things I would have missed had I not been trying to soak every little ounce in that I could. I got another promotion at work. And not just an increase in hours and no more work. I got all of the work. I was expecting another cookie from the cookie jar but what I got was all the cookies and the jar to boot. The other woman that worked with me has abruptly moved on, and the schedule I was working towards in two years I was being handed to me today. I am essentially running the place with the owner of the company. I don't think I have ever learned so much so fast and actually retained it all in my whole life. And I love it. I wake up every morning... yes. in the ACTUAL morning time, not just make believe Courtney morning time... and am so excited to go to work. I am being helpful. I have a distinct purpose. I am helping people. I am opening the floodgates to my servants heart. Never have I been on a more rigid schedule, yet somehow I know that I have never felt so free. I am encouraged, and strongly so, to exercise my talents. Even the silly ones. Like talking on the phone. Or writing an eloquent thank you note. It has never been so positive a thing to be myself. Truly myself. Good, bad, OCD, and all. And I didn't even see it coming.

I also didn't see a successful personal life coming my way either. For the first time in a very long time, I can say that I am not partaking of any one way street relationships. Everything is a give and take. Not just a take and take... and take and take and take. With my new work schedule being so demanding and prioritizing my rest as a necessity to keep it that way, I have been able to see the friendships that are worth my time and those that can maybe wait a while to pick back up. God has placed some beautiful snow flake like souls in my life to create this beautiful winter wonderland that my life seems to be right now. Each one different, but all working towards the same cause. To be helpmates for me, and allowing me to be the same for them. Some are more seasoned than others as they have been around longer, but the new ones have their purpose too. Probably to show me the things that I should have believed of myself all along, but never had the courage to look myself in the eyes in the mirror long enough to confirm it. I am so beyond grateful for this. And I so hope that I can keep holding on tight enough to this life that is being lived in fast forward long enough to keep it going.

My fits of insomnia usually always seem to breed some kind of reflection or realization. Mostly because I'm actually allowing myself to process the things I save for later; the things that I "Can't deal with right now". So as I lie awake flipping though mindless infomercials I turned to facebook, hoping it would provide the entertainment I was seeking out. And of course there it was. The thing I needed to see and would have missed had I not been awake to find it. And I so needed to see this. It was the status of someone I went to college with in Cincinnati. We weren't super close friends. Shoot I don't even know if we were real friends. We had a class together. My worst subject actually. And she had always been there to help me out. So in the confines of that classroom we were friends. Anyhow I hadn't heard anything from her in over a year... probably two now that I think about it. And out of no where the facebook gods decided that I should see this one status. Not any others that she had posted in the last two years. Just this one. It read:

‎"We all think we’re going to be great and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren’t met. But sometimes expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You got to wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is just what keeps us steady. Standing. Still, the expected just the beginning, the unexpected is what changes our lives." -Grey's Anatomy

I read it over and over again. I don't watch Grey's Anatomy. I feel that I'm too far behind to catch up now. So I don't really care what the real context is. This is my life. I get so caught up in the to do lists and the perfection that is so unattainable and the expectations that I forget that maybe if I let go, something beautiful could happen. That maybe if I work really hard and only worry about my productivity and no one Else's that someday I will be rewarded for that. That maybe if I go out with a friend when I really don't want to I may meet someone that is going to change everything. That when I have to face the thought of loosing a loved one that maybe it will remind me of just how rich I am. I may not be rich in money. But I am overwhelmingly wealthy in life. In love. That's what we keep missing. It's what I keep missing. No matter what my bank statement looks like, I am rich in life, and that is the most beautiful thing in this world that is so full of darkness and sadness and greed.

These are the things that fill my mind as I am watching my ceiling fan go round and round again and again while my body is being rebellious and keeping me from my hot date with slumber. I often wonder why these things come to me at night. I always wonder why I can't decide when I sleep and that my body does it for me. And then I remember things like this. These little blossoms of hope that I see in the very darkest parts of night. While everyone else is dreaming all snugged in their beds, I sometimes get the rare privilege to dream wide awake. And sometimes, I get to watch it come true.

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