Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Brave May Not Live Forever...

I read something today that finally pushed me over the edge and into action. I am a huge fan of glamour magazine and in an article; a female writer who had more truth to her righting than I am used to in mainstream media said this. "It is far braver to right about your experiences while you are experiencing them, then after you have processed them and have them tied up in a little box of advice. This should be the way we 'live outside the box'." So. I decided to stop being a little scardey cat and start talking again. While I am going through this. It will be more honest that way.

I keep saying that I want my story to help others that are dealing with their own life circumstances... but how can I be of any help if I don't start talking? I am a living contradiction. I want so badly for this truthfully crappy section of my life to mean something but yet I am so scared to move one way or the other that I can't even begin to talk about it. Yes, the last post I wrote was brave. But after that post I waited and waited and waited and essentially wasted months of potential time I was given to inspire. Instead I hid. Right now I feel like I am trying not only to hide from you out there, but from myself.

I don't sing anymore. And I don't mean simply professionally. We have been through this. But I don't sing at all anymore. Not in the car, the shower, nowhere. Not even when I am home by myself. At thanksgiving I was prodded by my friend-family to sing some songs because in the amount of time they have known me (over a year) have never heard my voice before. If someone would have told me just a few months ago that it would be months before a song would ever pass my lips I would have called you insane. But I guess stranger things have happened. I wish I could tell you why, but that is one of the questions that I don't have the answer to yet. Maybe because I find my freedom in song, and right now I just don't feel free. I also can't sing the way that I used to, so maybe part of it is that I would rather not only be remembered the way that I used to perform, but I also wish to remember myself that way. I know that I have changed dramatically, but some of those changes I am just not ready to accept yet. Maybe when I get closer to acceptance, I will be closer to finding my way back to the girl who lived her life in a song.

I used to think that I wanted to be inspiring. To be brave. But that is not where the impact lies. I want my story to be greater than anything I could ever be. I am seeing that I am not brave. I am not a graceful passenger to this disease. But even if I were brave, I cannot live forever. But maybe, just maybe, my story with Crohn's can live beyond anything I could live for myself. That is my hope. So I am going to try and expose this life the best that I can, and stop being selfish by standing in the way of that. It's not going to be easy, but I would like to hope that in the struggle it would lighten the load for someone else. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. I may not get to live an extraordinary life right now, but while I have my life, I want to at least live it.

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