You know when you have those days when you have a whole bunch of feelings and thoughts swimming around in your head but you can't pinpoint exactly what any of them are so you end up just being stoic? If you don't that's OK. Actually it's probably better if you haven't... I certainly wouldn't call it a great feeling. I'm there right now. I just got back from a great gathering with my company for the fourth thrown for us by our executive producer, and yeah I had a great time, but for some reason I felt out of place. I'm now sitting on my couch in the dark because I couldn't be bothered to turn on the lights listening to Hide and Seek, and I just want this feeling out of my stomach... so I'm going to try and sort it all out here.
I went to a play reading this past friday night at midnight. It's sort of a tradition that we have started here. We jokingly call it artistic Friday's, but essentially that is what it is. Any member of the cast that has anything original that they would like to share can do so on one of our cast member's porches and we can provide feedback. Thus far we have been reading plays written by members of our cast and are cast and read by other members of the cast. This week's play was a bit more intense than the others; it was based on the life and events surrounding the scandle of Fredrico Garcia Lorca's dissapearence/death. I walked into this reading blind... I didn't know a THING about any of what was being dicussed... including who Lorca even was. As the play was being read however, I learned that he was a revolutionary writer and person, bringing to light subject matter that others were scared to even discuss, much less put it on the stage. There was one line in the play that sailed straight into my heart... "I am Fredrico Garcia Lorca. That is all I can ever be."
I am insecure. I can be socially awkward sometimes and can become easily introverted if I'm not comfortable. I'm a walking condradiciton. I can be the funny girl who makes the whole room laugh, and the next minute I am wishing I were in someone elses skin. I'm an actor who loves to sit at home and be alone from time to time. I can't compete with people who are "on" all the time , and to be truthful I won't. It would be a waste to change the person I am just so someone else will look my way. I wish sometimes I were as confident as my words, and I know that I can be, I think it just takes time. Now by no means am I a sad little girl crying in a corner, this is just what has been swimming through my head. I like who I am, I have worked hard to be this person. I am all I can ever be.