Whatever Is Lovely

The mind is a very powerful thing. It can take a situation and manipulate it into just about anything. Some call it lieing. Some call it insanity. Some call it imagination. Some call it art. I choose all of the above.

Everyone is a little bit crazy. You know that when you are home alone by yourself you start to talk to yourself. Or when you are in the car you start to sing maybe one or two lines of a song that have been playing through your head all day for no reason and then drop it. Or you look in the mirror and pretend you are someone else. Or walk out the door convincing yourself you really are someone else. No? Yeah that's what I thought.

When I was a kid I had a pack of imaginary friends, and I of course was the leader of them all. I usually tended to imagine that they all lacked something that I magically had, making myself feel superior to them in some way. Maybe one of them wasn't as pretty as I thought I was, or couldn't make people laugh like I thought I could. So I took these misfits under my wing and taught them all about as a six year old.

As a sixteen year old, the tables had swiftly turned. Life became really hard really fast, and all of the sudden this imagination of mine swirled out of control, painting pictures of failure, loss, and disappointment. I would wake up with a start at night with the lingering thought of "you just aren't good enough." The sad thing is I started to believe it, just like I believed with all my heart that my imaginary friends were as real as they come.

Life is always a transitioning phase whether you want to believe it or not. Things are ALWAYS changing, you just may not see it. I am very aware of the transition stage I am in right now... I need to step back into my own life I've started to build. I took a hiatus for a second, but it's time to be this grown up I want to be. Being in a vulnerable spot like that always makes you a little crazy. I'm an artist who desperately throws her heart into every aspect of life I possibly can, and I sometimes forget that the whole world can see. I don't live inside some sheltered place anymore, and that can be a daunting thing. I have bills to pay and expectations to meet, and I desperately don't want to fail.

My mom is a very wise woman. When I was a kid (and sometimes even now) I had some extremely realistic night terrors. I would run into her room and crawl up in bed with her, letting my tears soak her pillow. In her groggy state she would rub my eye brows and tell me "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praise worthy, think about such things." - Philippians 4:8 and with a kiss would send me back to my room. As I lay there I would think of the most beautiful things I possibly could, and would fall asleep to the thoughts of flower filled meadows and rainbows and chocolate and pretty shoes... all things little girls think are beautiful.

As I get ready to go to bed tonight, I am going to hush these insecurities by thinking of all of the lovely things in my life. Parents who love me enough to usher me into this awkward time between teenager and adult with grace and as much ease as they can muster. Two beautiful siblings that hold my heart in their precious little hands. Finally being able to be close to the family I hold so dear to my heart. Being able to pursue my dream as a career and also have a steady job that allows me to shoot for the stars. Friends that even though are mostly far away, have my best interest at heart. And most importantly a loving God, who has been so merciful to give all of these things to me.

Tomorrow I finally get to go back to work! It's going to be tiring I'm sure, but I'm praying it goes well. We will see soon enough!

I Love You. You Love Me.

There are a lot of things I don't understand. I don't understand why I had to learn algebra in high school under the pretense I would use it in my adult life. I don't understand why almost everything that tastes good, makes you fat. I don't understand why it's so easy to make your house dirty, yet so hard to make it clean. I most certainly don't understand why money is the object of most people's affection. I don't understand why selfishness is an acceptable trait in people. But the one thing that I really don't understand is love.

Love is a four letter word. It means so many different things that sometimes it doesn't mean anything at all. It's easy to say I love ice cream or I love that movie or when someone is talking about a friend they can say "oh I just love them" but when it's time to actually fill that word with power again, you go blank. You develop a catch in your throat. Your stomach begins to gurgle and you hope you don't throw up. Your palms start to sweat. You're eyes turn into slits and you begin formulating your escape route. And if by some act of God you can manage to get the "I" out of your now closed throat, you find some other phrase to follow it other than "Love you". Maybe you manage something like, "I need to go to the bathroom" or "I think you look beautiful tonight". And the even braver who can choke out that four letter word follow it with "this song" or "that dress". Anything to avoid telling someone you love them, and actually meaning it.

The reason I am suddenly on the subject of love is not my fault. I claim the childish excuse of "the media drove me to it". We are but two days away from the Hallmark holiday of Valentines day, and I've become cynical. To make myself feel better I have conned my baby brother into being my Valentine after he told me no the first three times. I finally wore him down with the bribe of a tootsie pop, but by then I just felt silly. So I started to wonder... why is love so tricky?

Dating is like this really awkward dance. The tempo is always changing and you don't always know what to do with yourself and your partner isn't always moving in the same direction as you. I know what love feels like, but I've always been afraid to actually say it. It's a rare moment that I am at a loss for words, but when that feeling creeps up on me and renders me an idiot for a moment, I crack under the pressure. I try and show it with my actions without actually having to say it, hoping that they will figure it out on their own. Well, that obviously hasn't worked, but at least I am learning.

I am surrounded by this four letter word every day. I think what makes it so complex is that it is a noun and a verb. It's a feeling and an action. It is a lifestyle. My grandparents just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. My aunt is getting married next month to the love of her life. My parents have been together for ages and love each other more today than they did yesterday. And all of these people love me. And I love them. I have a best friend that tells me everyday he loves me, saying things like "You carry a lot of my love in you" to help me get through the hard times. I call him for no reason and sing the barney I love you song on his voicemail. Love is reserved for the ones that deserve it. It's the search for those candidates that make it the hardest. I have loved people that didn't deserve it, and treated it like it was nothing. Love is certainly not nothing, and it's sad that some people believe that it is. Loving another person is the bravest thing that any one person could ever do.

So I guess what I am getting at is that if you are blessed enough to know what love feels like, don't be afraid of it. Talk about it as much as you possibly can. Scream it if you have to. This is one four letter word that you don't have to spell out in front of the kids. Certainly don't cheapen it by only celebrating it one bogus holiday a year. Be secure enough in yourself to sing about it, even if it's off key. I love you. You love me. We're a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won't you say you love me to. See. It's that simple.

Line?!

I don't like lines. Any of them. I don't like to color inside them, wait in them, read between them, memorize them, or get hit on with them. Well I wouldn't mind the getting hit on with them one as much but you get my point. I feel like recently that's all there has been. Lines. Lines that I need to memorize for my next show. Lines I have to wait in to get seen at the doctors office. The lines I have to hear people give me that they think will make me feel better but in truth it only makes you look silly for not telling the truth, and the lines that I have to read between to understand what all of it means.

The last couple weeks have been rough. It's not so much that things were bad, even though some people might say they were, it was more that I was annoyed and discouraged. It's no secret that I have some issues with my health that creep up from time to time without my permission and usually at the worst time. It's like when your stomach growls really loud at a funeral. That's how I feel about my health sometimes. It growls at the worst possible moment and people stop to stare.

I was having a really rough time getting over a case of strep throat, so I frequented the doctor's office pretty regularly over the past three weeks. Doctor speak is always hard but when everyone is trying to be the hero and fix the unfixable, lines start to get crossed. It was a very hard thing for me to fight with them for the care I thought I needed seeing as they have the degree and I don't, but I'm the one that lives in this body, not them.

After many hours spread throughout the last several weeks of just battle after battle and hearing line after line I was discussing my care with one of the many nurses I had seen over the course of time. I was ready for her to hand me yet another line when she took my hand and said "You know what young lady, I admire you for fighting for yourself. I don't know many people who would to that." I kinda looked around the room for a second and realized that this complete stranger who had absolutely no obligation to encourage me had not fed me a line. My tear ducts of steel were momentarily breached, and I sent a little thank you up to God for the unexpected kindness.

As always, I have bounced back to normal, or whatever my normal is and things are just as they were. I take that back. They aren't the same, because with every situation you change, so things are what they should be for now. During this time, I have learned that you shouldn't really focus on your limitations, the lines you can't cross but rather at what God has given me that's in between. To see just how lucky I am, and just how much life I've been given the chance to live. Sure limitations are hard, especially when they taunt you, but in fact those lines make up the person that you are. It gives you shape and character and that special something that makes you the only you there will ever be. So I guess lines aren't all that bad after all.

Fingerprints

My brain won't shut up. Seriously. And it's not like there is just one train of thought that my mind keeps going on and re-working to try and find a different solution to. It's like my brain is Grand Central Station, and there are tons of trains all leaving at once, and since I am not run by lots of very intelligent people and am flying solo, I'm not able to keep track of all the trains leaving the station. It's basically a free for all. Thoughts are coming and going just as they please. I'm starting to feel like a spectator in this new sport I have stumbled upon except I'm still unsure of all the rules. As the saying goes if you can't beat them, join them, so that is exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to make the rules.

I am experiencing some growing pains. I have felt some here and there recently, but have taken some metaphorical Tylenol in hopes that they would just get better an leave me alone. Well now it seems that they are collectively rioting to get my attention. Well OK aches and pains of life, I see you, but that doesn't mean that you win. Yet.

The funniest thing that I find about these annoying growing pains is that none of them are bad, they actually all collectively point to a greater good, to a girl more successful than you would think for her age, and honestly I think I am scared of that. I have to opportunity to excel at a lot of different things, and in the madness of it all I think I have forgotten that I am allowed to be a little bit afraid of who I have the potential to be.

I don't like telling people how old I am. For whatever reason, life crept up on me faster than it did for others, and I learned some very hard, very real yet very simple lessons very early on in my teenage years. Life is what you make it, and this life is so extremely precious. There isn't a day that should go by when you shouldn't fight tooth and nail to get absolutely everything you can out of every single day, because unlike little orphan Annie, I don't always count on tomorrow. In the midst of coming to grips with all of this in my late teens, I think I got the free gift with purchase by promising myself I would be somebody today, not wait until I was the proper age for someone to believe I was the someone I said I was. While I do believe that I have achieved a menial amount of success with many new open doors, I think I have forgotten that it is OK to be daunted by the future you want. It' s OK for a second to be afraid of who you have the potential to be.

I have accepted a lot on my plate and all of it is wonderful, but I find myself being more hesitant than normal. I finally think now that it's because I don't want to fail at any of it. But honestly, who determines failure or success? Is there some sort of handbook that I haven't read that shows the qualifications for failure and success? What I deem as failure may be seen as a win to someone else. Life is about perspective, not rules and regulations. There is no such thing as win or lose, it truly is all about how you play the game.

There are many things about life that are unclear. How do you open yourself up to someone and let them really see who you are, instead of pushing them to see what you want them to see. We can't control someone else's perspective, so we try and sweeten the deal by manipulations and re directions. It's hard to be an open book, even when that's all we want to be. We become so aware of the fact that someone may not like what they see, that we try and manipulate just what they see. At least I do. I am not innocent of playing the game of I'll show you what you want to see, instead of let me show you who I am, but I don't really think that many of us are.

I guess what I am trying to say in too many words is that it's all OK. It's OK to be afraid, to take a break, to re-evaluate, to take a second and re-work what you think you are doing. All that I know is, I love that I have been given the chance to be Courtney Whittamore, which includes having lots of opinions and lots of questions and not very many answers. Life is more about the questions anyway, cause if we knew it all, where would the adventure be? I want to have it all, and then some. Just like everyone else I want to be king of the world in my own way... someday. Today I am happy to be sitting on my bed, knowing tomorrow I get to go to work, then to learn, then to better myself, then to be with the ones I love. And then the next day I get to do a variation of the same. And that everyday, I get to create something that only I have the chance to create. And that someday, someone will look back on this life of mine and think that they wouldn't have been the same without my fingerprint on the world. That's all I want. To leave my fingerprint on the world.

When One Door Closes...

Well, the last few days have been quite annoying, yet really positive. I know that sounds convoluted, so let me further explain.

Thereasa is rude. Thereasa is my car and she is very rude. On my way to work yesterday, she pitched a fit. It was about 3:45 in the afternoon, I had just stopped to grab some Chick-fil-a sweet tea and waffle fries, comfort food for any southern lady who wishes she was from the city and she just had enough. I was supposed to be in Punta Gorda (for those of you unfamiliar with the area that's an hour away from where I was) by 4:30 at the latest to pick up my bosses son from work because she had an important meeting to attend to. And there I was, in the turning lane on one of the busiest streets in town with my hazards on, wincing every time someone gave me the finger as they maneuvered around me. Luckily dad wasn't too far away at work, and since he likes me a little he came to save the day. I was finally able to convince my diva of a car to start up again, and managed to get myself in a parking spot to lick my wounds and eat my waffle fries.

So needless to say I couldn't get to Punta Gorda at all let alone on time. I was so ticked off by that reality that I actually need some time to pout alone in my room like the four year old I sometimes am. I couldn't come to grips with the fact that I had been unreliable do to things out of my control. I also began to stress over the notion that my show stopping diva car is now in her 11th year, and as much as we love and hate each other, I may have to break it off and start fresh with a new diva that can get me to work on time.

Along with the frustrations of malfunctioning cars I have been dealing with a change in medical coverage, meaning I literally have to break some one's arm to get the medicine I need to be healthy. I have come to discover that the health care industry is a business just like any other, and that those technicians on the other line are working for minimum wage, and don't care about you at all. That is if you get a person at all. Most of the time it's that automated voice of a woman on Valium asking you to say certain words and never repeating them right back to you. Can you tell I have been put on hold a time or two in the past few days?

But like I said, there are good things happening too. Along with my wonderful day job at Lori Lane Personnel that allows me to be flexible as long as I keep a smile on my face and get the job done, I have been given the opportunity to study under my voice mentor to become a vocal mentor in her studio as well. I am so floored and happy that she really believes that I have come to a point where I can teach others what I LOVE to do. I have full access to observe her with her students any time my schedule permits and just absorb everything I possibly can. This is like my heaven. I love observing and taking notes and learning from watch just as much as learning from doing... just ask the cast of Hairspray :) Through this she has put me in touch with several of her students needing female vocalist for recording demos for bands and even live performances. Nothing is certain as of yet, but just having doors like that be halfway open is a really awesome thing.

It seems that life is evening itself out at the moment. For every frustration comes an opportunity. I just pray that as I follow God's will for my life, that I can do it all :)

Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot...

I know that I am a few days late, and the new year has already greeted us, but that doesn't mean that I can't still write about it :) To me, new years eve is just another night, so as boring and unexciting as it is, I stayed home and didn't make a big fuss. As a matter of fact, I watched Barbie's Island Princess with my seven year old sister because neither one of us could sleep in lue of all of the festive fireworks going off in our neighborhood. I spent those hours between decades with someone I love with all of my heart, and don't think I could have had a better time if I were anywhere else in the world.

The one thing that I do enjoy about New Years however, is the chance to reflect on how life has surprised you in the last 365 days and start your sentences with "if someone would have told me" and end them with "I never would have believed them." I have not only looked back on this year, I have read my thoughts on this throughout this year, and I just love every word. If I knew then what I know now, I would have hugged myself and said baby just you wait.

This year has been full of moments for me. And a lot of those moments were full of decisions. I really do believe that this is my first grown up year. I say that because I have not apologized for life, instead I have lived it for everyone to watch if they so choose, and I have never been happier. Me and my God are driving this life of an eccentric, life loving and risk taking Miss Whittamore, and I only hope that I can keep this pattern up.

I know that people usually make New Years resolutions during this time, and with the best of intentions, but I also know that they fall to the wayside when life happens. I can't say that I don't have goals for this year, because I most certainly do, but I am not going to be so narrow minded as to map them out. If I do, I am limiting myself to only my idea of this life, instead of being open to letting others have a hand in my progress. Would I like to shed a few pounds? Of course! who doesn't?! But I am also not going to set a deadline for that because I don't want to kill myself if I don't make it. The goal is instead to live a healthy lifestyle, and if a consequence of that is losing a few pounds then of course that is welcome. Do I want to keep climbing this ladder that I have found myself on? Why yes I do, but I am not going to kill myself if I don't make it up 5 more rungs by 2012. I am going to be the best me I can be, make my own opportunities, and allow people to help me, instead of thinking I can do all of this alone. There is no shame in being helped, instead there are volumes of wisdom in allowing someone of more experience to guide you.

Once again, I find myself at a crossroad, but I have decided there are very few times when life doesn't leave you without options. Many of the things I have shared my hopes for have indeed come true. So far in the new year I have Beehive down in Naples to look forward to, several contracted vocal gigs, some prospects with the theatre comapnies I hav put my foot in the door of this year, the opportunity to be a voice mentor in training with the goal of teaching a wonderful voice curriculum, a few recording opportunities, as well as the opportunity to advance in my day job at the staffing agency. I am blessed beyond measure that on day 2 of the new year I already have so much to look forward to, but I am also excited that the way I see things happening right now is certainly not the way they will look months down the line. Life is more manageable when looked at as a scavenger hunt as opposed to a surprise party, and I can't wait to find some more clues that lead me to the prize.

Nothing about me is original, I am a compilation of everyone I have ever met. I look forward and challenge those in my future, to keep me on my toes.

Happy New Year to you all. How do you measure a year in the life? How about love.

You Can't Take It With You

I'm really glad that I threw my plan for my life out the window a long time ago. Most people would follow that sentence with "because this is so much better than anything that I could have thought up"... and while that is a beautiful sentiment that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside and that you have finally arrived somewhere, I can't honestly say that. How can I know if something is better than a scenario that I haven't experienced anywhere besides my wondering of what ifs? However, I will follow that sentence with "because I am amazed with how positive things have turned out." I almost said "amazed with where I have ended up." I even typed it out, looked at it and deleted it. twice. Because i have realized I am SO far from the end.

Since we have entered the holiday season, and in addition I am currently involved with a holiday show, my mind has been in a very thankful, holly jolly (yes that is a show title plug :)) mindset, I have actually been in the place to live in the holiday spirit, not just watch it pass me by while I keep my head down and keep to the never ending grind. This is what I have discovered. In spite of myself, my life has become something. In spite of my sometimes thoughtless and spontaneous choices, my life has continued to surprise me. I am continuously trying to follow my heart, and sometimes to others that appears flippant and flighty, but I have never been more happy that I went with my heart, as opposed to letting my analytical side take over and mandating I stay where I am and continue to convince myself that my heart is wrong.

One of the most ironic things I think I have experienced in the last year is, that while I left school, I have most certainly not stopped learning. As a matter of fact, I have been thrown into the school of life, and you can't fail at that. There are no A's or F's anymore, there's just do it, or lose your job. One of the many things I have learned is to not only keep an open mind, but to keep an open heart. I have been so incredibly blessed to have been apart of three different cast families within the last almost 7 months, and each member of all three has impacted me in several ways. Some, by expressing their dislike for me and things of that nature, have inspired me to continue to be who I am, and not try and please everyone. Not everyone is going to like you, and I think that I am one step closer to understanding that. Others by sharing a super special bond that only takes a smile to create, and only distance can dim it, simply because you have both dedicated your life to creating art. And then there are the ones that while it takes a little more than a smile, maybe it's a shared joke or a simple touching moment that you both noticed that everyone else missed which brings you together but not even distance can make you forget how it felt to be with them. Just breathing the same air with them made you feel like you wanted to be a better person. I can honestly say I have been blessed to know such people, learn from them, and better yet call them my friends.

In the last year, I have moved four times... and not just small moves, I mean cross country moves, and this is just the beginning. I have been called to a life of a gypsy, and even though it's what makes me get up in the morning, it comes with a lot of bumps. Luckily I now have a place that I can call my home base for now, and can begin to make a life for myself, but who knows where it will take me. Like I said, I threw out my plans alooooong time ago. I decided to actually live what my mom has told me since I could remember and "let go, and let God." and I have never felt so fulfilled and happy, and trust me, not everything that happened or will happen has been happy. My road has been littered with let downs and hardships and goodbyes and health malfunctions and many other such things, but those are the things that make me who I am, not the happy time things. I may not be able to take everything with me, but I can keep the love that I have been shown, the lessons I have learned, the memories that we share, and the never ending song in my heart that will keep me going until I can't go anymore. My song is my life, and for all of those that have chosen and offered to harmonize with me.

All my love to the recently closed cast of Hairspray. You inspired most of this post. Much love to my Lost Colony babies and my CCM friends as well. Nothing about me is original. I am a compilation of everyone I have ever met. Thank you all so much!! Here's to many more!!! Long live the arts!! lol