Hold My Heart

My phone won't ring. It's dead now, but even before then, my silly little smart phone wouldn't ring. I feel that if it were actually smart like it thinks it is, it would fake a little ring here and there to maybe give me some hope. But no matter how long I stared at it, questioned it, scolded it, and maybe even yelled at it, that bothersome little green light refused to wink at me, alerting me that someone had reached out.

Every time my phone lights up unexpectedly with a text or a call, I whisper to myself "oh somebody loves me!" I had never thought that I actually measured caring this way, but today, when no one called, I realized that I do in fact judge caring on communication. That if someone can take the time to just check in and see how I am and actually wait around for a response, they must care. And if they don't, then they are void of emotion for me... and I don't think that's a fair currency.

People pay for life in different ways. Some people pay for their life with money. By showing you that they can financially provide for themselves, you, and even be a little ostentatious with their funds, they are somehow proving that they deserve you. Some people pay for life with their time. That by sharing their time with you and making the conscious effort to live life in tandem with yours, even for just a few hours, proves that they have dedicated some portion of their heart to you. Others pay for life by intimacy. That if they can share that deeply with you and you can do the same for them then they have accomplished telling you just how much you mean to them without having to use their words. While all of these currencies are important, just like the quarter and the nickle and the dime, I feel like the dollar bills of life are words. There is nothing like paying for your life and being taken seriously simply by your words. Too often in life we feel that we can just do do do and never say because hey "actions speak louder than words." and while that may be true, actions are nothing if you are mute.

Words have the potential to be full of power, yet in this day and age we have emptied them of all meaning. However we simultaneously know that if we actually utter what we feel in our hearts, that actually makes what's in there real. And what happens if what you thought was a two way street as far as feelings go, turns out to be just a dirt road in the woods once you actually admit to your intentions? As for me, at this point in my life, I would much rather find out that what I thought was a super highway of a relationship is in fact a bike path, because at least then I am demonstrating that I know the value of not only my words, but my heart. That is something that is invaluable in this world. To know the value of my heart.

So as I look at the phone, or wait for facebook alerts, or check my email, I know that the ones that matter most will reach out. And that maybe someday someone will figure out just how to hold my heart.

Mama I'm a Big Girl Now

Well it has been quite some time since my last post, and honestly a lot of life has happened to me since I last wrote. It's one of those times that I wish I could have taken the time to write down what I was feeling during this transition, but it was such a big one that I didn't even have the time to sit down and comment on it. You know what I take that back. I did have the time. But I think I know deep down that if I let myself sit down and dwell on my life that was shifting in totality and even changing axles, I may not be able to handle it. And we all know what happens when I reach my ropes end... for those of you that don't; keep it that way.

So to summarize my ever changing life. I am now in a new show (Annie at the Broadway Palm Dinner Theatre) which is always such a blessing. I have been blessed yet again to not only do what I love doing, but I have met some beautiful souls along the way that I probably wouldn't have met otherwise, and are really aiding in getting me through this time in life. I have also moved. Yes kids I broke my mother's heart and I moved out. I have a FANTASTIC roomie that I love spending time with, and over all it has been a fairly peaceful adjustment. I miss the kids with my whole heart, and I hate not having my nightly chats with mom, but we all knew it was time to go. Things may be different, but different is not synonymous with bad. I think my relationship with my parents has grown for the better, because now they know the times I do call and come over that I genuinely want to be there, not because I want to appease the hand that feeds me.

So needless to say I kinda feel like I'm living a totally different life than I was a month ago, and to be honest I actually am. I have a different job and a different house, but more so than that I have different priorities, and I am beginning to see that priorities are a core tell in what makes someone tick. If I have the priority to say, pay my bills, then I am going to do everything I possibly can to be smart with my money, and be the best me I can be at my job. I cant for example just party and go out all the time and put that job that allows me to pay my bills in jeopardy. So if I have been keeping company with someone who doesn't have these kinds of responsibility they may have the pre disposition to do whatever they want when they want and not worry about the consequences.

It's funny that when you are fending for yourself how very particular you become about the company you keep. When I was growing up and someone hurt my feelings or I was in a fight with a girlfriend or something, my daddy would always say to me "it's not the quantity of the friends you have, but the quality." I have never found that to be more true. I have begun to look at my recent company and wondering if I should keep it. Now if you are reading this and are a friend of mine, do not fear a sudden blow off or anything like that. No housecleaning is going to be done, it's just an observation. The great thing is I have been so proud of the ones I have chosen to spend my time with. While I am being frugal with my money, I can be generous with my time, (what little of it I have) with those that I have been blessed to cross paths with. I have never felt more uplifted and protected by not only my family, but such special friends as well, and that is truly a miracle.

In everything I do, I do it with all of my heart, and this time in my life is no different. I have thrown myself into this jolt of adulthood with everything I've got, and I can't say that I've come out clean. I've garnered a few bruises here and there by realizing that maybe everything needs to change. I am now a neat freak. No joke. I clean all the time. I make lists. I check my bank account several times a DAY. And among these small adjustments I have tried to lodge the big ones. Like taking my heart a little more seriously and walking away from something that maybe wasn't the best for me. I'm learning how to make clean breaks, not just keeping people around because it's easy. I've also learned how to look into the mirror and be proud of not only the seen (which is a big deal for me) but the unseen. Because I know that when I walk outside the door and get in my car, that if my mommy ever asks me I can tell her that I really am I big girl now.

There's A Place For Us

Last night I allowed my geeky self to shine through. Not in front of anyone of course, but never the less there I was in all my dorky splendor enjoying every second I could of the fabulous display in front of me. Of course I am speaking of the Tony Awards. My once a year day where I can openly get really excited about a production number or cry along with the Tony winner as they give their heart felt acceptance speech. As I sat there in my dad's over sized t-shirt and my favorite pajama pants, I might as well have been wearing a ball gown that I couldn't breathe in and sitting in the audience myself. That's how excited I was. But as always when it came time for the commercial break, I allowed myself to think about some things that I don't really like to think about, and by the end of the telecast, I had learned something about myself.

I am going to be totally honest here. I have no idea what I'm doing. There I've said it. I have absolutely no idea what I think I am doing. But even more surprising than that. I am OK with it. Me and the unknown have somehow come to some sort of peace, and have decided to walk in tandem through this journey of life, and not nit pick at each other the whole way. Everyone knows that I am a performer. It is not just what I do, but it is who I am. But recently I have been tossing around the idea of where it should fit in my life. Should it be my career or my hobby? Should I continue to work locally as a professional or should I submit to other regional theatres and risk uprooting myself again? Do I want to move to the city in a year or is that still way out of reach? Is this even what I want anymore? I mean I have another great opportunity right in front of me as a Marketing Director and all that other really big corporate title talk.. and I love it. But can I really have both?

As I watched performance after performance my heart began to scream at my "you fool this is what you were made for. This is your purpose." But my head kept saying "You have more than one purpose, and do you really think that you can continue to keep up?" As my heart and head battled in the front seat of the car I sat in the back and just listened to all the beautiful sights and sounds that were being offered to me on this award shows. What I saw in every frame and every camera shot was joy. The joy of performing. The joy of theatre. The joy of remembering. The joy of achievement. But most of all the joy of sharing emotion with everyone else in the room, and having the guts to stand there and say "look at me, I am human. I want you to watch me live." That's when I figured it out. I am not what I do as a profession. I am a person who chooses to live life every day and say "Look at me, I am human. Watch me live." I mess up a lot. And by a lot I mean ALL THE TIME. I know that I don't have it right. But I certainly don't have it wrong. I have life. And I hope that I never forget that.

What I am trying to say is that I know that there is a place for me. I may not know where it is, but I am confident that I have one, and when I find it, I'll know. It's a beautiful place I'm sure. However, what I do know is that the journey to this beautiful place is just as spectacular. And you want to know what the best part is? I don't have to do it alone anymore. For so long... so very long I thought I had to be the strong one and do this for myself, by myself. But one of the beautiful lessons I have learned while growing up these past six months is that I am certainly not alone. I have some of the most beautiful people in the world that God has given me to hold my hand while we find where we fit. So hold my hand and we're halfway there. Hold my hand and I'll take you there. There's a place for us.

Just Live Until I Die

I want to be a hero. Instead I wait for someone to come save me. I want to change the world. Instead I wait to be told what to do. I want to believe in more than just you and me. But I can't even look at the reflection in the mirror. I want to have my fairytale. But I let reality convince me they don't exist. I want to be extraordinary. But I settle for just OK. I want to rule the world. But I can't even rule my own life. I want to take control. But when I look around all I see is chaos. I want to be loved. But how can I allow someone to love me when I can't even say that I love myself. I want to be "enough" in the eyes of the ones I love. But how will I truly ever know what enough is. I want to be a dreamer. But I always let reality wake me back up. I want to just be. But I never just want to exist.

Have you ever thought any of these things before? I know that I have... I mean obviously since I am the hand that wrote them. This paragraph makes me sick, because it's what's wrong. With what you ask? With everything. It's what's wrong with the way we prioritize what's important. It's what's wrong with how we give advice. It's what's wrong with how we raise our children. It's what's wrong with how we run our government. It's what's wrong with how we love this beautiful world full of immaculate people that were created out of pure love just for us. My hands are shaking with emotion as I write all of this out.. and that hasn't' happened for me in a long time. This is what I truly feel deep down. That we put on a face, a veneer, a show even for the world and we never get down to what we really feel and think and need. And trust me. I know all about putting on a show. It's my life. And unfortunately I know how to do it all too well.

This weekend I have been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of procrastinating. I have been thinking about basically everything that has been going on for me recently and have been procrastinating with everything I need to be doing to keep up. I began to think about these relationships I have been building with people. And how happy I am now that I've done it. But deep down I know that I am still holding back. I am showing them the Courtney I already know that everyone will love. The performance Courtney, the surface Courtney. So then I began to wonder what would happen if I changed the plot of the show, and came out as the less sparkly version of myself. Instead of having all of these beautiful production numbers backing me up, what if all I had was a simple stool, the ghost light, and my words. And what about my list? What if I came at it with simple determination to get it done to the best of my ability, not with the absurd idea that it has to be perfect. That I have to be perfect. It doesn't work that way. And if it has worked for you, please, write a book about it so that I can tell you that you're wrong.

So as I have been sitting here on my bed. I began to wonder. I HATE wondering. I want to know. Knowledge has always been my friend. My power. My back up plan. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we sabotage everything wonderful we have going for us with a simple smile and a complacent attitude? What happened to the fight for what we really want instead of this settling for what we are told? Why do we wait for someone to save us when we know that we can save ourselves? Or, why can't we realize that we don't really need to be saved, that we just need to live. Keith Haring, one of the greatest artists and humans I have had the pleasure of studying put it perfectly when he wrote in his journal, "I only wish that I could have more confidence and try and forget all my silly preconceptions, misdirections, and just live. Just live. Just. Live. Just live until I die."
-Keith Haring.

If You Just Smile

I woke up this morning fully prepared to go through the motions of my work week. You know, living in the rut I have happily created for myself, and completely satisfied to stay confined within it. I had no expectations of greatness. I knew that I would wake up, get ready, go to work, and then come home. Very simple. Very mundane. Very routine. I had no intention of having a day to write home about, but that's the fun thing about life, it finds you when you least expect it.

In fact, today was more of a down day for me. I woke up not feeling well, and ended up having to pep talk my way to work, because that's what adults do. They go to work even when they don't feel like it. Once I got to work there were piles and piles of things on my desk that needed to be done, and done today. I knew that it was going to be not only a daunting task, but probably and impossible one. I watched $210.00 go down the drain as I paid for my speeding ticket over the phone (at the VERY last minute might I add) and learned that I have to take a four hour traffic course to keep my insurance down. I stayed over time to try and attempt to finish my back logged work and still didn't even come close. I gave myself a migraine. I had to pay another bill. By the time I got home not only did I really not want to talk to anyone, I wanted to sit in my room alone and pout. For the rest of the night. But leave it to my loved ones to come to the rescue, even when they have no idea that they are doing it.

My Shannon decided that tonight we would be having a movie night. I recently found her a job through the employment agency I work for and we are both already worn out from work this week. So we decided that along with just enjoying each other's company, we could relax and just watch a Disney movie. These plans were made when I wasn't jaded by life, so by the time I had become completely sour I wanted so desperately to just stay home, but I couldn't day no to Shan. So after procrastinating as much as humanly possible I hopped in my car and drove to her house, armed with Aladdin and a not so great attitude. I figured I would cheer up when I got there somehow, but if I didn't she would understand.

When I got to her house I was surprised to see that Dawn was already there, another "new" fun friend in my life. They were just chillin out in her room watching youtube videos. So I just joined in. Soon I was hearing myself laugh. Cackle even. Then I felt that pain in my stomach that is only caused when you can't catch your breathe because you are laughing so hard. Tears stung my eyes. And it wasn't really anything spectacular that we were laughing at. We were all just bent over in a fit of giggles, and it was the best cure for a poor attitude ever. That and donuts. You can't forget about the donuts.

Soon there were several more people that joined us at Shannon's house... she's a popular gal and we all like to get together when we can. More of my new and favorite people came, and there were even some people there I hadn't met yet. As the group grew, so did the laughter. Soon it was way past my bedtime, and I wasn't even concerned. I was laughing. A lot. And with the people I most want to share laughter with... and I was even making more friends. I soon realized that I had been without my phone the entire night (which is a HUGE thing for me) because all of the people I would be begging my phone to tell me that they had called were already sitting next to me. For those few hours the only concern I had was making sure that I breathed in between fits of laughter.

However, at some point I had to be responsible and go home because tomorrow is a work day. After saying goodbye to everyone, I jumped in my car and began the easy drive home. While sitting there in silence I marveled at how simple it was to turn my day around. Life is too short to just get by. Each day is precious, why settle for routine? Find some way to surprise yourself. Life shouldn't just live in the middle, and every day you should find the excuse to just smile, and if at all possible share that smile with someone else.

A Simple Love Story

My days have started to run together. Which isn't an entirely bad thing. In fact I'm not sure it's a bad thing at all. My days have become so full that even the sleep that breaks them up seems to disappear and I am just living in one giant day. In my case, this is a nice change of pace for me. Not only are my days full which makes me feel satisfied and accomplished, they are filled with exactly what I want them to be filled with. Work that I love, friends that I cherish, family I don't take for granted, and smiles that I treasure. I am loving where life is taking me, but just for a second, I wanted to take a time out and make sure that all this magical euphoria was real.

So I took a trip to my favorite place in the world. The Creek House. The Creek House is the name that my three year old self gave to my grandparent's house (my then house as well) when the lot of us all moved in. Now, like many of my "memories" from that time, I don't actually remember the origin of them since I was so small. All I know is, is that the name of the house is The Creek House, and I am credited for it. There is even a plaque by the front door proudly displaying the name. It's just where I know I can go and be me, whoever that may be at that moment, and not have to worry about who is watching me and telling me that I am wrong. I always know that I can go there and find a good old cup of sweet tea, some home cooking, lots of love and sometimes even a glimpse of who I want to be when I re-enter the real world.

The Creek House is about 40 ish minutes away from my house, but it might as well be a world away. In the relatively short drive it takes to get there, I go from a miniature metropolitan area to the cow fields that most people thought didn't exist anymore. The house is on four acres of land, and used to be a functioning orange grove... Tropicana used to come and take (and by take I mean buy) our oranges. But over the years the grove has grown over, but what is left is still as stunning. Trees everywhere, creating this beautiful canopy over the property that just shields it from the rest of the world. Of course there is a creek... I wasn't a stupid child... and that leads out to the river. I spent so many of my days as a kid taking boat rides down that creek and out to the river. But once I got out there I was just happy to turn around. I liked the character of the creek, not the impersonal nature if the big river. I'm pretty sure that if I were any kind of artist I could map out for you every nook and cranny of that creek... that's how often I was out there.

But what I love most about the Creek House are the people who live there. My Poppy and Geema hold a very special place in my heart. They have loved me like there own, and have imparted wisdom to me that I hope to never take for granted. Each trip that I make out there is uniquely different but all so familiar. We eat, talk, pray and laugh together, and then I go back to what most people would deem as reality. It's where I go to center myself again, and to make sure that I still have my head on straight, cause trust me, if it weren't my Pop's would set it straight for me. In love of course.

Speaking of love, my grandparents have basically written the book on the subject. They have been married for half a century and have never betrayed that loyalty. Never have they looked in another direction, and they have always demonstrated not only the happy fuzzy feeling of love, but the lifestyle that love has to become for marriage to work. You don't always have to like each other, but you must always maintain respect for one another. Their story is one that Nicholas Sparks himself couldn't have written better. Geema was the only girl Poppy ever dated, and same with Geema. They fell in love, and stayed together while Poppy went away to architectural school for five years. As soon as he graduated, they eloped, and have been together ever since.

Well it was recently my Geema's birthday and we of course celebrated it with her all in our own way. While I was over at their house I saw the various cards that her kids had sent and the little gifts that we had given her, but there was one card that I did not recognize. So being the nosey little baby of the family that I sometimes am I went over, snatched it up and began to read it. It was from my Poppy. To his sweetheart. It touched me so much that it actually made me cry, and that is a feat. I even had to write it down so that I could write about it on here. Here is what the card said:

To my wife with all my love. Even when I first met you, I knew that somehow you would be the love of my life, and that's exactly what you are. No matter how many years go by, I'll still think of you as the person I want to share everything with. The person I most want to make happy. The one without whom life would never be the same. You are my world, my life, my everything. I love you with all my heart and I always will.

RIGHT?! And if that weren't enough, in Poppy's perfect, architectural block letter handwriting at the very bottom of the card were the words: Love you always and forever, Gene.

The lesson here is simple. Love is exactly what you make it to be. It can be small and pathetic, but if you let it, it can be that Nicholas Sparks, Disney Princess, love for the ages kind of fairytale but in real life. But even in its grander, it can be just as simple as a birthday card to your sweetheart, fifty years after you took your vows, and actually meant them.

I Will Be Loved Tonight

People are infinantly shocking. I know that I shouldn't be shocked by outlandish actions anymore, but my sometime naive, innocent childlike mind usually fails to compute some of the out there actions people think they can get away with. But people are crazy. And if you are one of the people sitting there reading this and thinking that this doesn't apply to you, you just might be the crazies of us all. You know what they say, it's always the quiet ones :)

Today I was introduced once again to the species of human that does not think before they act, or before they speak for that matter. I know that everyone has the capability and sometimes even the occasion to exercise this talent, and this fellow may very well be a stand up guy. But to me he will always be a giant green hulk of a man that tried to bang down my door and made me want to crawl under my desk.

Yes ladies and gentlemen. A scene was caused today. Whilst I was at work, a very angry and large man decided that he was going to come into my office, and that the very lovely and sturdy plexiglass front door was not going to stop him. He was unaware of whether or not anyone was actually in the office thank God, so when his polite knocks were refused, and his childishly loud ones were not chided, he decided that the best course of action was to scream through the mail slot. Luckly I was in the back where I couldn't be seen and I just prayed that the big scary monster would go away. Finally all out of steam he stomped away, and even later my heart rate returned to normal. It was a pretty scary moment, and I wasn't sure how to go back to work from that.

So I took to facebook for a moment. I posted a calm and witty, yet explanitory post of the prior moments of terror and then tried to bounce back to work. I immediatly got a call from my mom. All she said when I answered was "Are you OK?" Followed by a quick "I love you" then a "I'm gonna buy you some mace today." She talked to me for a few minutes to make sure I was truely OK, then left me to finish my work. Then I saw I had a post from Spencer. Not too long after that I had one from Shannon. Both were concerned. Then I got a call from Chris, who was ready to come to where I was and make sure I was OK. Even though it warmed my heart I declined, but he made sure that I knew I could call him at any time. Even one of the dear women I look up to from church made a comment expressing that she would pray for me and that she was just thankful that I was safe. I thought my heart was going to burst.

From this outpooring of concern you would have thought the jolly green giant had actually broken in and caused me harm. But that's not what happened. I am not glad that I had a moment of terror, but I appreciate the silver lining that it brought to me. It showed me once again that I am loved. I am loved not in a "I feel obligated to care about you way" but in a "I have chosen to care for you, and I want you to always know that I am here for you and on your side." It is such a comfort to know that the people I am sharing my life with, both old and new, are bold enough to tell me that I am loved, even if it's by their actions. And I have been told anyhow that actions speak louder than words. So now that I have the night to call my own, I will be spending it with the ones that I hold dear, and that return that embrace. I will be loved tonight.