I hate pessimists. I hate the glass half empty. I hate what ifs. I hate I wonder why's. I hate why me's. I hate black and white. And it seems to be that this is what the world has been reduced to. To cynicism. To negativity. To entitlement. Things are never good enough. The grass is always greener on the other side. We always have to keep up with the Jones'. We always want what's bigger, better, faster and stronger. And when we achieve what we thought was going to bring us that contentment that only these goals can bring, we already have our eyes fixed on something better.
I like to call this shinny ball syndrome. You are living your life with your head hung low wishing your life away, and then you see the pretty silver ball. So you go for that. And you run and run until your little feet can't run anymore. You keep your head down to the grind and finally one day you get your silver ball. But when you see it up close you start to notice that it's just the outside that's so pretty. The silver is cheap and flakey, and starting to peel away. Suddenly it has lost its luster. And just as fate would have it, at the precise moment you are seeing your silver ball, something that was once the object of your total affection, the reason for existence, as something cheap and pitiful, you spot a golden egg. And the cycle continues and continues and so on and so forth. Sure it's important to chase after things, but these things shouldn't be actual metaphysical things. We should be chasing after intentions. Not the end result. We shouldn't chase after that really hot guy, we should chase after finding the one that your soul was made to match, and then the Mr. Right will be given to you, as opposed to Mr. Right Now. We shouldn't be chasing after money; we should be chasing after the career that fills you with joy each day because you know that you are making a small difference in the world. You are being the change you want to see in this life. When you chase after that the money will follow.
Sadly however, we have been conditioned to believe that these intensions that breed our fairytale results in point of fact do not exist. We are told that Mr. Right only exists in Jane Austin novels; he only inhabits the fairytales we are told and implored to believe by our mothers as children, then are told to un-believe when we grow up. Our Mister has joined the leagues of Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. One day your mom has to pull you aside and tell you that in fact these were just stories, something happy to believe in for a time, but they don't exist in the "real world." As is the idea of happiness. When we are kids we dream that we can be the President of the United States, or an astronaut, or a movie star. But when we get older we realize that we hate politics, are terrible at psychics, and just aren't pretty or skinny enough to grace the silver screen. So we begin to settle for the 9 to 5 routine, and some of us live our lives there. From their rut they seethe with resentment and marindae in feelings of entitlement and pessimism. Because when we were told that "happily ever after" was to stay confined in the pages of our books, we lost faith in the entirety of the tale.
The sad part of all of this is that we don't even realize that this is what happened to us. We as a generation have for the most part lost the courage to dream big. We have become lazy. We would rather turn down work so that we can still get our unemployment checks and qualify for food stamps. And the majority of us are not only ok with living this way; they don't see anything wrong with it. Because after all, happily ever after doesn’t exist. This is reality. Well I simply refuse to accept that. I deserve everything. Yes. I do feel entitled, but rightly so. Because I'm not just wishing on the North Star every night and then yelling and cursing at it when I don't hold up my end of the bargain. And what is my end of the bargain you ask? Action. I am taking every single action that I can to make my happy ending not just my happy ending, but also my happy existence.
What sparked all of this you ask? Well tonight I broke my mother AND my father's heart and hopped on the back of a motorcycle for a ride. A friend of mine has been incredibly gracious during a rough spot for my family and me and has been driving me to and from the hospital. My superman Poppy is there and I have been going up to see him as much as I can. This was the first time he brought his bike, and I was terrified. Why? Because my mom conditioned me from birth to believe that as soon as I got on one I would be killed before I ever left the driveway. Of course just like anything your parents tell you you can't do, as soon as you do it you love it. Even when the the skies opened and poured down on us leaving us soaked and freezing, I simply had one of the best times I had had in a very long time.
The ride home however was the absolute best. I could see the stars. Like actually look up into the midnight black sky and see the little dots of glitter wink at me as we rode back to my apartment. I had so much on my mind that I am shocked I was even able to take a minute to appreciate something so simple as the stars at night. I think I was probably looking up to the heavens in defeat and instead was met with awe. I am facing the loss of someone who has not only loved me with every fiber of his being, but has understood me without question. He is too good to be true. My Poppy has never once failed me. Never. Not once. He has helped mold me into the person I am, and I can only hope that he is proud of me. So as I sat there riding home I could only thing of what his parting words were to me. "Baby you will survive as long as you keep being Courtney." As I choked back the tears I couldn't help thinking that I hope I am good enough to keep up the bar he has so lovingly set up for me. And then I also thought of the other people who have also set that same bar for me. The important people will want to pound into my heart that I am worth it, that I am beautiful. That what they have to offer me isn't too good to be true. That not only do I deserve happy ever after, but to also know that it exists. And that is something I hope I never forget.
So as I am sitting on the back of this bike, letting the breeze tickle my back and watch the stars wink at me in that knowing way, I knew that I am going to be ok. More than ok. I am going to have my fairy tale. Even Nicholas sparks himself couldn't write it better. I already have my silver ball. My golden egg. It's not the things of this life that make the journey. And it's also not simply the intentions that you have towards the path that you are on. You must couple that with the intensions others have concerning you. The intension of sharing their life with you, and bettering you in the process. Whether it is my family, my dear sweet beautiful friends, or someday a modern day white knight, I know without a doubt that it won't be too good to be true.
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