Saturday, October 8, 2011

Without You

Perspective is a funny thing. It's like magical fairy dust. Or the touch of King Midas. With one slight adjustment it changes everything. Kind of like a 3D movie. Without the magical 3D glasses, it looks like a big technologically advance hodge podge of pixels. But when you put on the flimsy glasses everything is crystal clear. Beautiful. Out of this world. Magical. You would never know that what you are seeing is the same mess that you were looking at only seconds before. The glasses change everything. They may not be the most expensive things ever, but in the context of you're viewing pleasure, they are the most important. Such is perspective. It's the absolute difference between a mess, and feeling like you can reach out and touch the stars you are so longing to land upon.

I'm at a point in my life where I could either choose to wear my 3D glasses or not. For the first time I think ever, I find myself in situations where it is very clearly marked black or white. Yes or no. Do or Don't. And of course, as always is the pattern of my life, this is occurring in every compartment of my little world. No matter how hard I try to put everything in it's own little cubby, it seems that all my books keep wanting to fall out and land all together on the floor at the same time... so that when someone walks by and spills water, it lands on all of them. Not just one. Well water is to my perspective as each subject of my life are to these text books. My world has been sprinkled with the liquid of decision making, and I need to make some choices fast.

As hard as I am trying to keep everything logical, perspective is usually an emotional thing, and that seems to be where I tend to fall short. I would much rather push everything down. To "tough it out" rather than let the tears run down and the pensive rebuilding begin. But sometimes even I need to recognize when it is OK to let down my wall of cynicism. Of defensiveness. Of fear. And make the choice to either allow myself to be happy and a better person because of the outcome of my difficult situation, or continue on with the grind of life and settle for what that may produce. In life what is often most rewarding is usually bred from the hardships we face and eventually overcome. And right now I am facing some hardships.

I am faced with the possibility I may loose some people that I love very very much. Some physically. Some emotionally. And I can't stand that. I can't stand that the candle has burned down to the very bottom of the wick, and it very well may be that the sand in the hourglass has run out. I don't like putting that kind gravity on things. I like to keep everything about the same weight. But just because I make everything equal does not mean everything is in balance. And try as I might I can't seem to make all of that happen for myself. Even I who wears her rose colored glasses every day by choice can see that things have the potential to change, and very fast and very devastatingly so. Which has made me come to realize a few things.

When one is faced with such a circumstance, you are demanded of to put on your 3D glasses and see the world in striking clarity. I used to be afraid of 3D movies because of how in my face they got. Well life is right up in my face and if I take off my glasses I will only be doing myself a disservice. So now that I am seeing life this way, I am seeing that not only are things going to change, that I have no control over how they change or not. The outcomes of these relationships are totally out of my hands. And the only thing that I can do is watch and pray that things go the way my little heart wants them to. The decision does not lie in the outcome of these events, it lies in how I handle them in the aftermath. If I accept and move on. I am also seeing who I can live with, and who I would die without, and the results are shocking. My family has always subscribed to the belief that when it comes to relationships it's quality, not quantity, and while I agreed, I still tried to maintain my volume of relationships. It made me feel more important when lots of people could call me friend and wanted me in their lives. But now that I see how they react when the going gets tough, I am now a firm believer in this idea. And the inventory downsize was much more than I thought it would be. Because in this process of looking at life through such a crisp perspective, I remembered what my eighth grade self had written in a dear friend's year book. "Don't settle for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can't live without."

So as I sit here scared stiff of my life that is reaching out to grab me into some potentially devastating losses, that is what I remember. That while facing these times of hurt, I must walk through it with the one's I can't live without, and just as importantly with the ones who can't live without me. I am here for a reason, and I intend to live out that reason to it's fullest. So as I risk the loss of some physically and some emotionally, I am going to remember that I can't live without them. That I won't live without them. Even if they only exist in my heart, I will still carry them with me forever, because they have left me with their hand print forever. And forever is a very long time to go without you.

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