Sunday, October 30, 2011
Secrets Secrets Are No Fun
Today I have been totally lazy and I am not afraid to admit it. I am still in my pajamas from last night. I have only left my room to eat. Since my bathroom in in the master suite I have so lovely bestowed upon the name of the Courtney Cave, I didn't even have to leave for that. Even the USA network promoted my day of slothy behaviour by airing an all day "scare-a-thon" marathon of the best episodes of Law and Order SVU. So any hope of actually accomplishing anything was lost on me today. Especially when all of these factors were coupled with the fact that the cooler weather has made it much harder for me to get out from underneath my oasty toasty fresh laundry scented blankets. Hey, even the Lord deems Sunday as "the day of rest." So who am I to argue with that?
So while I was enjoying my day of absolute waste, I also was encountered by boundless time to think, which is I suppose is the trade off to being an absolute bum. I just began to think. And think. And think about every little possible thing that could possibly be thought about until I was suddenly lost in the recesses of my mind. I thought about silly things. Like why my favorite color is red. Because when I was younger every other little girl's favorite color was pink. Or purple. Or if they were like the anti little girl that hated pink then they liked black. But I was neither. I knew that I liked lady bugs. And cardinals. And roses. And Orchids that were such a dark purple they were almost red. So I decided that my favorite color was red and I stuck with it ever since. But I also thought about the important things. The things that I bury myself in work so that I don't have to think about them. About the tough times my family has been going through. About the things I am seeing now that I am older. About the things that I am now having to realize now that I'm a "grown up". About the lies that I've told. About the lies I have been told. About how selfishness runs this world, and not love like I thought it did. That no relationship is perfect, because how could it be when the people that comprise the relationship have no home of even seeing that kind of purity. That life, just like everyone always says is not easy and not fair. But it's one thing to say that, and an entirely different thing to actually accept it.
While I was lost in the vortex of these thoughts a commercial came on for a run of the mill cable drama that is trying to procure viewers for the upcoming season. A line that was used to draw in ratings in this commercials caught my attention, because it asked a question of all of the questions that seemed to be berating me. The sexy spy character of the thrilling CSI drama said to her superior, " I would just like to know how dirty I am going to get." Well life, I ask the same question of you. How dirty am I going to get?
If I have learned anything over the last few months it is that I am much too much of an eternal optimist. I see the potential in people, not what they are actually scheming of at the moment. I see the happy in relationships, because that's what I want to see. I see the best of every situation, because if I don't then there is the potential that I will fall apart, and if I fall apart, who will help me put myself back together again? I mean if all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't fix Humpty Dumpty, then what hope do I have for myself? So I just saw what I chose to see. Until what I was choosing to see wasn't even there anymore. Selfish nature and hurtful intentions are all that was left, and while I may be a cock-eyed optimist I am no fool. If you splay disgust in front of me then that's exactly the same kind of filth that I am going to see. And you bet your bottom dollar that I will walk away from that.
Everyone has secrets. Everyone. I don't care who you are. Even the saints of this world have something hiding in the shadows. I have my secrets. So do you. The question is, will they change you? Will they turn you into this negative, horrible, selfish person in the end?. I have my secrets. And I plan to keep them, purely by the standard that I need to keep some portion of this life for myself and for the ones that are truly involved, not for the well meaning morons. Everyone also lies. All the time. About little things and about the most important things in the world. We lie about whether or not someone looks pretty in a dress or about whether or not we mean what we say when it comes to the moments when we aren't just talking face to face, but heart to heart. I will not throw the first stone because I know that I am not blameless. I have lied. But I hope that I have never lied so fiercely and without remorse that it has forever damaged the life of another. I want to know how dirty I am, and how much more dirty this life is going to get. I want to know if my rose colored glasses will ever have the same vibrant hughe they once had. Blatant viciousness is not uncommon. Silent viciousness is commonplace. Secrets are no fun.