I'm really glad that I threw my plan for my life out the window a long time ago. Most people would follow that sentence with "because this is so much better than anything that I could have thought up"... and while that is a beautiful sentiment that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside and that you have finally arrived somewhere, I can't honestly say that. How can I know if something is better than a scenario that I haven't experienced anywhere besides my wondering of what ifs? However, I will follow that sentence with "because I am amazed with how positive things have turned out." I almost said "amazed with where I have ended up." I even typed it out, looked at it and deleted it. twice. Because i have realized I am SO far from the end.
Since we have entered the holiday season, and in addition I am currently involved with a holiday show, my mind has been in a very thankful, holly jolly (yes that is a show title plug :)) mindset, I have actually been in the place to live in the holiday spirit, not just watch it pass me by while I keep my head down and keep to the never ending grind. This is what I have discovered. In spite of myself, my life has become something. In spite of my sometimes thoughtless and spontaneous choices, my life has continued to surprise me. I am continuously trying to follow my heart, and sometimes to others that appears flippant and flighty, but I have never been more happy that I went with my heart, as opposed to letting my analytical side take over and mandating I stay where I am and continue to convince myself that my heart is wrong.
One of the most ironic things I think I have experienced in the last year is, that while I left school, I have most certainly not stopped learning. As a matter of fact, I have been thrown into the school of life, and you can't fail at that. There are no A's or F's anymore, there's just do it, or lose your job. One of the many things I have learned is to not only keep an open mind, but to keep an open heart. I have been so incredibly blessed to have been apart of three different cast families within the last almost 7 months, and each member of all three has impacted me in several ways. Some, by expressing their dislike for me and things of that nature, have inspired me to continue to be who I am, and not try and please everyone. Not everyone is going to like you, and I think that I am one step closer to understanding that. Others by sharing a super special bond that only takes a smile to create, and only distance can dim it, simply because you have both dedicated your life to creating art. And then there are the ones that while it takes a little more than a smile, maybe it's a shared joke or a simple touching moment that you both noticed that everyone else missed which brings you together but not even distance can make you forget how it felt to be with them. Just breathing the same air with them made you feel like you wanted to be a better person. I can honestly say I have been blessed to know such people, learn from them, and better yet call them my friends.
In the last year, I have moved four times... and not just small moves, I mean cross country moves, and this is just the beginning. I have been called to a life of a gypsy, and even though it's what makes me get up in the morning, it comes with a lot of bumps. Luckily I now have a place that I can call my home base for now, and can begin to make a life for myself, but who knows where it will take me. Like I said, I threw out my plans alooooong time ago. I decided to actually live what my mom has told me since I could remember and "let go, and let God." and I have never felt so fulfilled and happy, and trust me, not everything that happened or will happen has been happy. My road has been littered with let downs and hardships and goodbyes and health malfunctions and many other such things, but those are the things that make me who I am, not the happy time things. I may not be able to take everything with me, but I can keep the love that I have been shown, the lessons I have learned, the memories that we share, and the never ending song in my heart that will keep me going until I can't go anymore. My song is my life, and for all of those that have chosen and offered to harmonize with me.
All my love to the recently closed cast of Hairspray. You inspired most of this post. Much love to my Lost Colony babies and my CCM friends as well. Nothing about me is original. I am a compilation of everyone I have ever met. Thank you all so much!! Here's to many more!!! Long live the arts!! lol
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Good Morning Baltimore!!
So kids... It HAPPENED!!!
In case you haven't been frequenting my facebook page, my mom's page, my GRANDMA's page and didn't hear the news... I went on as Tracy Turnblad in Hairspray this weekend at Broadway Palm. And let me just tell you, the first emotion I experienced was not joy...
To those of you that know me, know that I am NOT a morning person. I'm not even a mid-morning person. I'm BARELY a noon girl, and even then I still need to not talk for about a half an hour after I wake up. So normally, people don't call me. They know better. But Saturday morning was different.
I had gotten a text the night before from our stage manager which simply stated "(Tracy) has a soar throat. She is performing tonight but be ready to go on this weekend just is case." To say I panicked is an understatement. I was shopping with Emily, and I'm pretty sure if you asked her she would tell you that all the color drained from my face. We were shoe shopping, and all the sudden all I could think is I HAVE to go home and watch the video I had taken of the choreo and run lines. Through all the madness I had the brilliant idea to actually GO to the show and stand in the wings to make sure I knew the entire track, including all the backstage goings ons.
After the show I felt much better. I knew that I had everything in line and that if pigs sprouted wings and hell froze over, I would be fine. I ran a few extra things with Michael (Link) just to be safe, said goodnight to the stage manager Adam, and headed for home. He had said in our parting words that it was still unclear whether or not I would be going on, but that he would give me a call in the morning if I was going on. What we figured the scenario would be is that I would watch the matinee, have a put in rehearsal with the cast (which would be my first rehearsal as Tracy) and then go on for the evening show and the possibly on Sunday.
At 10:00 I was wide awake. And it's a good thing too because that's when I got the call. "It's you." All day?? "Yep. Get down here as soon as you can, we need to fit you for the costumes." I went and threw up.
Mom packed me all up with some snacks which we both knew I wouldn't eat, some smart water (to make me smarter of course) and a whole bunch of prayers and love. On the way to the theatre I may or may not have had to make a pit stop to throw up again, but all things considered I think that is just OK. You probably would have too don't lie.
The funniest thing is that my concerns weren't what you would have thought they would have been, but that's what makes me me. For example, I am smaller than our Tracy, and I didn't know until I walked in at 11 that I had a fat suit so the costumes would fit me properly. YAY. I was having visions of costumes falling off of me and being all exposed on stage (however my shirt did fly open during one of the numbers, but it wasn't terribly noticeable and it was my fault, I didn't fasten it well enough). I also knew that I am almost 4 inches shorter than our Tracy, and that concerned me. I was afraid that when I had to kiss Link, I would only make it to his sternum... I didn't take into account that he could help me lol.
When I got to the theatre and backstage the whole cast was there waiting for me, brimming with encouraging hearts and loving spirits. Since they had a promotional event that was previously planned, there was no time for me to have a put in rehearsal. So Adam put on his actor hat and played every role in the show while I ran around the stage like a mad woman making sure I had my blocking down.
Showtime was quickly approaching and I was finally excited. I had done my work. I had said my prayers and this is where God had brought me for a reason, not to mention I was surrounded by a cast that wanted nothing more than for me to succeed. Chuck (Edna) "tucked me in" into the signature stand up bed for the top of the show and just told me that when it comes down to it, it's all about air and water. Make sure I have my water on both sides of the stage, and get deep enough breaths to keep going. After that each member of the cast made their way to me, each giving me a little bit more strength by wishing me the best, and actually meaning it. Then they made the announcement. "Today the role of Tracy Turnblad will be played by Courtney Whittamore." I smiled so big I got a cramp in my cheeks.
By the grace of God, the shows went so so SO well. I had more fun than I have ever had in my whole entire life. Yes I dropped a line here and there, or maybe didn't do this move exactly perfect, but I did it. It was my show. Being the perfectionist I am, I was saying this to my dear friend Clinton when I said "I know everything I did wrong." to which he responded "But do you know everything you did right?" Yeah. He got me on that one. I received many compliments from my cast mates and family, all of which deeply touched my heart. I am not a one woman show. I know I did not do this on my own. I have a fantastic cast, the best family and an Amazing savior to thank for this. And I am also taking some credit for myself. I am proud of myself. Proud and pleased. :)
From this weekend I have a months worth of happy, hilarious and touching memories. Jennie giving me her time and her servant's heart to make sure I was ready, dressed, calm and confident. Making that Welcome to the 60's twenty second quick change with Amy and Scott, having never rehearsed it and rewarding myself with my very own Jersey Shore fist pump at the end. Clinton smiling a proud friend's smile at me every chance I got to look at him. Walter telling me how happy he was to work with me. Ayana looking me in the eye, taking me by the hand and telling me that she loved me and that I would do great. Trevor being a complete goof and just making me smile. Being on the receiving end of Negdra bringing down the with I know where I've been and bringing me to tears. Literally belting Michael's face off in I Can Hear The Bells, and acting along side of him for the duration of the show. Dancing like a crazy person with Lisa and laughing at our own little jokes. Getting to play with Chuck and Paul, learning and absorbing anything and everything I could from my stage mama. Adam playing every role before curtain for me to make sure I had my lines and trying not to laugh/throw up from anxiety. Actually being scared of Amy when she towered over me in Baltimore crabs, then later learning she actually had a hard time being mean to me. Watching Lara do her thing up close and personal, and respecting her all the more for what she does. Getting HUGE hugs from Courtney Love in the wings. Watching Ford twirl his fanny off. Getting encouraging glances from Nina, Cameron, and Kierstan whenever I could look at them. Standing alone on the stage singing the Good Morning Baltimore Reprise. Taking my first final bow. Seeing my mom's proud face in the audience. And these are just a FEW of my lovely memories!! Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who was involved... This is just the beginning guys!!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
A Moment of Weakness.
I have had this blog post sitting in my draft pile for about 6 months now, just waiting for the appropriate time to post it. Normally when I write a post I am an eager beaver and can't wait to publish it and see if anyone actually reads what little old me has to say... but with this one it was different. I think because it shows just how vulnerable I feel sometimes... and I really hate admitting that. So I bet you are wondering; why is she posting it now? Its Jesus O'clock in the morning and no one is going to read it until tomorrow anyways so why now. Well because I don't believe in coincidence. That's why.
I have been having a less than desirable time with my body as of late as most of you know. I am angry that the healing process is going so slow and sometimes I even just want to throw in the towel with this fight because I know someday I will be going through the same song and dance all over again so why prolong the inevitable? So as I am at the height of this self destructive hissy fit I awake from yet another nightmare caused by medicine I have to take to an excruciating headache. I drag myself into the kitchen to get some Tylenol and water I am greeted by a bible verse on the refrigerator door that I have somehow missed for the last week. I'm not sure how I missed it as it was in at least 28 font and took up and entire sheet of computer paper... but there it was, the very bible verse I had so passionately written about months before... so I figure, maybe I need this now more than ever... and maybe you do to. So here it is. I hope and pray it speaks to you.
"There are many times that I feel less than acceptable. My limitations from time to time take over, and I simply become a passenger on a road that I don't wish to be on. Weakness is a scary thing for me. My whole existence is centered around independence and freedom, because without them I know what could become of me. So this post as much as I want it to minister to you, is also a constant reminder to me. What this world sees as pitiful, my God sees as perfect. What the world deems a burden, my Lord calls it beautiful.
I had grown up on this scripture, but when you are young you only cling to the part that sounds pretty. For years I have carried the promise "My grace is sufficient for you" in my heart, but was amiss as to what followed it. A few weeks ago when a friend of mine needed encouraging I looked up a few scriptures for her, hoping that it would help. This particular one was laid on my heart. In an attempt to impart healing words to another, my soul was the one that was soothed.
"But He said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more glady about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. This is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I also really love the way the Message paraphrase puts it when paralleled with the NIV
My grace is enough; it is all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations is stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size- abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Now, I know that Christianity and the viewpoint of Christ are not the most popular these days, but no matter where you stand with him, you must admit that these words are so powerful. That someone could love you so much, that they would pour out grace for you at the precise moment that you need it. I am not perfect, nor am I the perfect Christian and I have never claimed to be. I question God and my faith daily. I am human. However, I hold these words in my heart, especially when devastation is so prevalent in today's reality. For me, this is my comfort. That in my moment of weakness, there is hope that I will be strong again."
I have been having a less than desirable time with my body as of late as most of you know. I am angry that the healing process is going so slow and sometimes I even just want to throw in the towel with this fight because I know someday I will be going through the same song and dance all over again so why prolong the inevitable? So as I am at the height of this self destructive hissy fit I awake from yet another nightmare caused by medicine I have to take to an excruciating headache. I drag myself into the kitchen to get some Tylenol and water I am greeted by a bible verse on the refrigerator door that I have somehow missed for the last week. I'm not sure how I missed it as it was in at least 28 font and took up and entire sheet of computer paper... but there it was, the very bible verse I had so passionately written about months before... so I figure, maybe I need this now more than ever... and maybe you do to. So here it is. I hope and pray it speaks to you.
"There are many times that I feel less than acceptable. My limitations from time to time take over, and I simply become a passenger on a road that I don't wish to be on. Weakness is a scary thing for me. My whole existence is centered around independence and freedom, because without them I know what could become of me. So this post as much as I want it to minister to you, is also a constant reminder to me. What this world sees as pitiful, my God sees as perfect. What the world deems a burden, my Lord calls it beautiful.
I had grown up on this scripture, but when you are young you only cling to the part that sounds pretty. For years I have carried the promise "My grace is sufficient for you" in my heart, but was amiss as to what followed it. A few weeks ago when a friend of mine needed encouraging I looked up a few scriptures for her, hoping that it would help. This particular one was laid on my heart. In an attempt to impart healing words to another, my soul was the one that was soothed.
"But He said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more glady about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. This is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I also really love the way the Message paraphrase puts it when paralleled with the NIV
My grace is enough; it is all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations is stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size- abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Now, I know that Christianity and the viewpoint of Christ are not the most popular these days, but no matter where you stand with him, you must admit that these words are so powerful. That someone could love you so much, that they would pour out grace for you at the precise moment that you need it. I am not perfect, nor am I the perfect Christian and I have never claimed to be. I question God and my faith daily. I am human. However, I hold these words in my heart, especially when devastation is so prevalent in today's reality. For me, this is my comfort. That in my moment of weakness, there is hope that I will be strong again."
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep
So several things have happened since my last blog post. Firstly my contract has ended with The Lost Colony and I am back at home. However, seven days before my contract ended my body had decided that enough was enough and I had a nice 5 day stay at the Outer banks Hospital where I received heavy, draining, yet effective treatment for my Crohn's disease. I was released from the hospital two days before I was to move out and I was panicked. A fun fact about hospital trips is that you don't always get released when you are better, rather they discharge you when there is nothing more they can do for you and the rest is up to God. I left better than I was before, but depleted of any kind of energy source. The treatment I was given was potent, and caused my body to use any strength it had to heal itself. I was glad to be back in my own space, but I was plagued by the reality that I had four months worth of my life to pack up and I could barely stand on my own.
The power of prayer is something that I have never debated and have only been amazed by as I grow older. I called my grandparents completely broken, wishing away not only the packing process but the 4 hour drive to Raleigh by myself to pick up my dad so he could drive me the rest of the way home. Even though hundreds of miles apart they prayed over me, for someone to be kind enough to help me and that my strength would return quickly.
In enters two beautiful souls: Jimmy and Grace, two of my dear friends that I met doing the show. Jimmy is a gifted dancer and Grace can pretty much do it all. They came in just when I needed them, packed my life in my car, let me boss them around from my bed, and re-assured me that everything was going to be OK. In the end it really didn't take all that much time to do, and wasn't as big of a task as I was picturing it to be, but needless to say it was a few hours given to me as a great gift, and they know how grateful I am to them for their love and support. The drive was manageable but not desirable. Whoever designed the route from the Outer Banks to Raleigh clearly did not have Crohn's disease, for there was an hour and a half stretch without any bathrooms. I was in the middle of farm land for over 70 miles, and I was panicking all the way. Finally I reached some semblance of civilization and not too long afterwards I was driving aimlessly around the Raleigh airport unable to find the cell phone lot that was hiding from me and just parked in short term parking per my mom's advice. Dad came and found me, kicked me out of the driver's seat and set out to get me home, because that's where we both knew I needed to be.
In between uncomfortable naps I thought about my last few weeks in North Carolina. My health took a really fast downward spiral, because that's what health does sometimes, and always without your consent. Several people had things to say about it whether it was amongst themselves or directly to my face, either way alot of it got back to me. At first I was hurt that people would assume I allowed this to happen to myself, but I soon dismissed that as ignorance. Whoever thinks that someone wants to look weak and admit they have a problem they can't control is delusional. I settled on the idea that these people were not worth the time I spent thinking about their opinions, and left it at that. At least be educated when you mud sling, it's alot more attractive and much more effective.
I have been home a week now and I have been so blessed. My recovery is going well and I am so thankful for that. I have been spending time with family, and those friends you wish were family and have been so happy. My parents and grandparents have been so loving and understanding, and Amber and Jenna and Spencer (even though he is in Cinci) have been uplifting and caring in the ways that remind me why they are so important to me. I love you all.
Even though one adventure has ended, there are several more coming up for me! I have an audition with a theatre company in Naples soon that is really promising. I also am going to be teaching a master class titled "What's this Business about Show Business" on the 10th to high school students to help them be better prepared for the business side of theatre. I will be starting an office job at a temp agency helping them with marketing as well as nannying for a very sweet family. I will of course continue writing my book and sharing on here... but perhaps the biggest undertaking of them all, is that I am going to be in an upcoming production of Hairspray as the cover for Tracy with Prather Entertainment! If things go well with this show there may be other opportunities with this company that could lead to some really big things. SO EXCITING!
I may have Crohn's disease, but my God is bigger than any disease. I am going to continue to follow his will for my life and I know that I will be just fine. Actually I will be more than fine, I will be blessed, and that's exactly what it should be.
The power of prayer is something that I have never debated and have only been amazed by as I grow older. I called my grandparents completely broken, wishing away not only the packing process but the 4 hour drive to Raleigh by myself to pick up my dad so he could drive me the rest of the way home. Even though hundreds of miles apart they prayed over me, for someone to be kind enough to help me and that my strength would return quickly.
In enters two beautiful souls: Jimmy and Grace, two of my dear friends that I met doing the show. Jimmy is a gifted dancer and Grace can pretty much do it all. They came in just when I needed them, packed my life in my car, let me boss them around from my bed, and re-assured me that everything was going to be OK. In the end it really didn't take all that much time to do, and wasn't as big of a task as I was picturing it to be, but needless to say it was a few hours given to me as a great gift, and they know how grateful I am to them for their love and support. The drive was manageable but not desirable. Whoever designed the route from the Outer Banks to Raleigh clearly did not have Crohn's disease, for there was an hour and a half stretch without any bathrooms. I was in the middle of farm land for over 70 miles, and I was panicking all the way. Finally I reached some semblance of civilization and not too long afterwards I was driving aimlessly around the Raleigh airport unable to find the cell phone lot that was hiding from me and just parked in short term parking per my mom's advice. Dad came and found me, kicked me out of the driver's seat and set out to get me home, because that's where we both knew I needed to be.
In between uncomfortable naps I thought about my last few weeks in North Carolina. My health took a really fast downward spiral, because that's what health does sometimes, and always without your consent. Several people had things to say about it whether it was amongst themselves or directly to my face, either way alot of it got back to me. At first I was hurt that people would assume I allowed this to happen to myself, but I soon dismissed that as ignorance. Whoever thinks that someone wants to look weak and admit they have a problem they can't control is delusional. I settled on the idea that these people were not worth the time I spent thinking about their opinions, and left it at that. At least be educated when you mud sling, it's alot more attractive and much more effective.
I have been home a week now and I have been so blessed. My recovery is going well and I am so thankful for that. I have been spending time with family, and those friends you wish were family and have been so happy. My parents and grandparents have been so loving and understanding, and Amber and Jenna and Spencer (even though he is in Cinci) have been uplifting and caring in the ways that remind me why they are so important to me. I love you all.
Even though one adventure has ended, there are several more coming up for me! I have an audition with a theatre company in Naples soon that is really promising. I also am going to be teaching a master class titled "What's this Business about Show Business" on the 10th to high school students to help them be better prepared for the business side of theatre. I will be starting an office job at a temp agency helping them with marketing as well as nannying for a very sweet family. I will of course continue writing my book and sharing on here... but perhaps the biggest undertaking of them all, is that I am going to be in an upcoming production of Hairspray as the cover for Tracy with Prather Entertainment! If things go well with this show there may be other opportunities with this company that could lead to some really big things. SO EXCITING!
I may have Crohn's disease, but my God is bigger than any disease. I am going to continue to follow his will for my life and I know that I will be just fine. Actually I will be more than fine, I will be blessed, and that's exactly what it should be.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
When It Rains It Pours
The last few weeks have been an interesting stretch. It's hot. And I mean really hot. And the fact that we wear wool clothing and layers of it in the heat doesn't make anyone any happier. We also are getting teased by the weather. One second its scorching hot and then you blink and it's hailing. We are tired. And when people get tired it's a known fact that sooner or later they get cranky. I think we bypassed cranky and went straight to grumpy and some even angry. We need space... but somehow space is the one commodity that seems to be evading us. Something we all see as a necessity has shomehow become a privalage that non of us are elevated enough to achieve. So instead we brood. Or, in my case... just stay quiet.
We had a really bad storm the other night. In hindsight I know that many people have different opinions of what the storm actually was, but if we are all honest in the midst of it, we all knew it wasn't right. There were three different storms surrounding the theatre, and each one of them was displaying their power, warning us not to contend with it. Lightning and heavy winds were the main event, and I was nervous. In talking to cast mates about it in short hurried whispers backstage I admited my anxiety, adding that I see storms all the time as I am a Florda girl through and through, and the fact that I was hesitant made my anxiety mount even further. It even got to the point where people became scared onstage. The lighting loomed directly overhead and I think we all went into hyper drive. For some people that meant speeding up... for others it meant crying. For me... it meant holding on for dear life to however happened to be near and slilently praying that it would all be over soon.
In the end the right decision was made. When the "due to incliment weather" announcement was made I don't think I could have been more relieved. I quickly grabbed my things, got out of costume and went home with my roomie to hide under the covers and block out the night that just wouldn't go away. Funny thing is, is that I thought all the opinions and harsh tones and words would have gotten out of the way at the theatre, but it turns out I was far from accurate on that one. People quickly began to unleash their frustrations, and unfortunalty on each other. It happened, it's over, and we have hopefully moved on. However, reading and hearing some of these things made me realize just how close the end of all of this really is.
We have around 20 performances left. That means I have roughly less than a month here in North Carolina. I remember before I got here how nervous I was, when I was finally here how excited I was, when I was settled in how content I was, and now that it's nearing the end how ready I am to move on. I am resolved with the fact that this will end. I will go to my next contract and experience things there just like I have here, some wonderful, and some unneccesary. I have met people here who I can honestly say that I love, and some who I probably won't speak to again after this because that's just the way life it, and that's ok. I am honored to be apart of this family, but I still recognize that things change, and I'm not going to waste opportunites by refusing to change with time.
As I get ready to leave for the theatre for my 50 something show, Im blessed to know I have a job to go to, and one that I love doing.It most certainly has its bumps, but what doesn't? I will give it everything I have until its time to pack my things and move on. Merde, and break legs to all of the cast and crew! Here we go!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Its Raining Its Pouring
Me and my roomate are crazy. Or at least this is what we have been told on more than one occasion... especially in the past few days. It is now officailly the middle of the run of our show here at the lost colony, and honestly I think that we are all going a little crazy in our own way. We live on an island... a very small island where everything closes at eleven (save for hatchels and 7 eleven... BLESS). We work and live with the same group of people, which is good and bad, and we are doing the same thing every night. We are essentailly being paid (however little it may be) to live in a rut, and I think we are all beginning to realize that.
Roomie and I have one of the easiest relationships I have ever had the fortune of maintaining. Im actually shocked that two girls get along as well as we do... much less two girls that have the same profession, same job, and same BEDROOM. We are just similar enough to understand where each other is comming from, but still different enough that we don't kill each other. Of course we have gotten fed up with each other, and probably at times angry, but there have never been harsh words or blow up (knock on wood) just silence and space, which is exactly what should happen. The one thing that I think makes our friendship what it is, is that we are both just about the same amount of insane... and when one is in desperate need of an adventure, a laugh, deep conversation, and yes at times even a good cry, the other one isnt afraid to jump on board and come along for the ride. No one wants to take the swells of life alone, and I think we both understand that.
Last night was a semi normal semi akward night. I had some personal issues that I had to deal with that I honestly just wanted to go away, and sarah had a meeting to go to. After my lovely extravaganza was through I wasn't in the best of moods. I don't like to deal with things that I think are silly and by that I mean that I just wished didn't exist. I guess that is just the child in me but hey, everyone has their flaws. So being slightly annoyed I began my trudge back to my apartment to sulk, when I discovered Sarah had embarked on her laundry journey without me. I quickly grabbed my own clothes and went to the laundry mat with Matthew and met her there. I can honestly say that I have never had more fun doing laundry in my life. We were the olny ones there, it was airconditioned.. YAY and it was with people that I don't have to put a show on for. At this point on a personal level our entire company is just tired... so it was nice to escape for a while and just be.
After our laundry was finished, Sarah decided she was hungry, so being us we decided to go on a "vacation" across the bridge to the 24 hour drive through McDonalds in Kill Devil Hills. Matt was already rather tired... and I don't bame him, he had had much more of a day than either one of us had, so we dropped him back off in the grove and set out on our escapade. Before he got out of my car though, he said "You girls are crazy." And I couldn't agree more with him.
We had a beautiful vacation. Per our usual drive through experiance we encountered someone we couldn't understand at the window, and insued in imperssionations the entire way home. Amidst our fits of laughter it began to rain really hard. The rain didn't really become a problem until we reached the parking lot of the grove and had to go inside. Now it was 5am in the morning... most people if they were up at that hour would have just sucked it up and just gone inside so they could sleep. Not us. We decided to lay the seats back in my car and watch the lightning and listen to the rain. At first it was purely because we didnt want to get wet... but then it became peaceful. We were able to just sit there... no words were needed. It was the first time in a long time that I felt that I could just breathe and that was enough.
Living with actors is hard. You always have to prove why you belong.. whether its because you are the funniest, the prettiest or the most well liked, you have to be the best at something. I've gotten really tired of playing that game... I think we all have. I don't know what I'm the best at... and honestly I don't know if I ever will know. But what I do know is that I am crazy. Everyone else knows it too. I am crazy enought to just sit in a car in the pouring rain and exist... and know that that is enough. Pouring
Roomie and I have one of the easiest relationships I have ever had the fortune of maintaining. Im actually shocked that two girls get along as well as we do... much less two girls that have the same profession, same job, and same BEDROOM. We are just similar enough to understand where each other is comming from, but still different enough that we don't kill each other. Of course we have gotten fed up with each other, and probably at times angry, but there have never been harsh words or blow up (knock on wood) just silence and space, which is exactly what should happen. The one thing that I think makes our friendship what it is, is that we are both just about the same amount of insane... and when one is in desperate need of an adventure, a laugh, deep conversation, and yes at times even a good cry, the other one isnt afraid to jump on board and come along for the ride. No one wants to take the swells of life alone, and I think we both understand that.
Last night was a semi normal semi akward night. I had some personal issues that I had to deal with that I honestly just wanted to go away, and sarah had a meeting to go to. After my lovely extravaganza was through I wasn't in the best of moods. I don't like to deal with things that I think are silly and by that I mean that I just wished didn't exist. I guess that is just the child in me but hey, everyone has their flaws. So being slightly annoyed I began my trudge back to my apartment to sulk, when I discovered Sarah had embarked on her laundry journey without me. I quickly grabbed my own clothes and went to the laundry mat with Matthew and met her there. I can honestly say that I have never had more fun doing laundry in my life. We were the olny ones there, it was airconditioned.. YAY and it was with people that I don't have to put a show on for. At this point on a personal level our entire company is just tired... so it was nice to escape for a while and just be.
After our laundry was finished, Sarah decided she was hungry, so being us we decided to go on a "vacation" across the bridge to the 24 hour drive through McDonalds in Kill Devil Hills. Matt was already rather tired... and I don't bame him, he had had much more of a day than either one of us had, so we dropped him back off in the grove and set out on our escapade. Before he got out of my car though, he said "You girls are crazy." And I couldn't agree more with him.
We had a beautiful vacation. Per our usual drive through experiance we encountered someone we couldn't understand at the window, and insued in imperssionations the entire way home. Amidst our fits of laughter it began to rain really hard. The rain didn't really become a problem until we reached the parking lot of the grove and had to go inside. Now it was 5am in the morning... most people if they were up at that hour would have just sucked it up and just gone inside so they could sleep. Not us. We decided to lay the seats back in my car and watch the lightning and listen to the rain. At first it was purely because we didnt want to get wet... but then it became peaceful. We were able to just sit there... no words were needed. It was the first time in a long time that I felt that I could just breathe and that was enough.
Living with actors is hard. You always have to prove why you belong.. whether its because you are the funniest, the prettiest or the most well liked, you have to be the best at something. I've gotten really tired of playing that game... I think we all have. I don't know what I'm the best at... and honestly I don't know if I ever will know. But what I do know is that I am crazy. Everyone else knows it too. I am crazy enought to just sit in a car in the pouring rain and exist... and know that that is enough. Pouring
Sunday, July 4, 2010
This is All
You know when you have those days when you have a whole bunch of feelings and thoughts swimming around in your head but you can't pinpoint exactly what any of them are so you end up just being stoic? If you don't that's OK. Actually it's probably better if you haven't... I certainly wouldn't call it a great feeling. I'm there right now. I just got back from a great gathering with my company for the fourth thrown for us by our executive producer, and yeah I had a great time, but for some reason I felt out of place. I'm now sitting on my couch in the dark because I couldn't be bothered to turn on the lights listening to Hide and Seek, and I just want this feeling out of my stomach... so I'm going to try and sort it all out here.
I went to a play reading this past friday night at midnight. It's sort of a tradition that we have started here. We jokingly call it artistic Friday's, but essentially that is what it is. Any member of the cast that has anything original that they would like to share can do so on one of our cast member's porches and we can provide feedback. Thus far we have been reading plays written by members of our cast and are cast and read by other members of the cast. This week's play was a bit more intense than the others; it was based on the life and events surrounding the scandle of Fredrico Garcia Lorca's dissapearence/death. I walked into this reading blind... I didn't know a THING about any of what was being dicussed... including who Lorca even was. As the play was being read however, I learned that he was a revolutionary writer and person, bringing to light subject matter that others were scared to even discuss, much less put it on the stage. There was one line in the play that sailed straight into my heart... "I am Fredrico Garcia Lorca. That is all I can ever be."
I am insecure. I can be socially awkward sometimes and can become easily introverted if I'm not comfortable. I'm a walking condradiciton. I can be the funny girl who makes the whole room laugh, and the next minute I am wishing I were in someone elses skin. I'm an actor who loves to sit at home and be alone from time to time. I can't compete with people who are "on" all the time , and to be truthful I won't. It would be a waste to change the person I am just so someone else will look my way. I wish sometimes I were as confident as my words, and I know that I can be, I think it just takes time. Now by no means am I a sad little girl crying in a corner, this is just what has been swimming through my head. I like who I am, I have worked hard to be this person. I am all I can ever be.
I went to a play reading this past friday night at midnight. It's sort of a tradition that we have started here. We jokingly call it artistic Friday's, but essentially that is what it is. Any member of the cast that has anything original that they would like to share can do so on one of our cast member's porches and we can provide feedback. Thus far we have been reading plays written by members of our cast and are cast and read by other members of the cast. This week's play was a bit more intense than the others; it was based on the life and events surrounding the scandle of Fredrico Garcia Lorca's dissapearence/death. I walked into this reading blind... I didn't know a THING about any of what was being dicussed... including who Lorca even was. As the play was being read however, I learned that he was a revolutionary writer and person, bringing to light subject matter that others were scared to even discuss, much less put it on the stage. There was one line in the play that sailed straight into my heart... "I am Fredrico Garcia Lorca. That is all I can ever be."
I am insecure. I can be socially awkward sometimes and can become easily introverted if I'm not comfortable. I'm a walking condradiciton. I can be the funny girl who makes the whole room laugh, and the next minute I am wishing I were in someone elses skin. I'm an actor who loves to sit at home and be alone from time to time. I can't compete with people who are "on" all the time , and to be truthful I won't. It would be a waste to change the person I am just so someone else will look my way. I wish sometimes I were as confident as my words, and I know that I can be, I think it just takes time. Now by no means am I a sad little girl crying in a corner, this is just what has been swimming through my head. I like who I am, I have worked hard to be this person. I am all I can ever be.
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