When It Rains It Pours

The last few weeks have been an interesting stretch. It's hot. And I mean really hot. And the fact that we wear wool clothing and layers of it in the heat doesn't make anyone any happier. We also are getting teased by the weather. One second its scorching hot and then you blink and it's hailing. We are tired. And when people get tired it's a known fact that sooner or later they get cranky. I think we bypassed cranky and went straight to grumpy and some even angry. We need space... but somehow space is the one commodity that seems to be evading us. Something we all see as a necessity has shomehow become a privalage that non of us are elevated enough to achieve. So instead we brood. Or, in my case... just stay quiet.

We had a really bad storm the other night. In hindsight I know that many people have different opinions of what the storm actually was, but if we are all honest in the midst of it, we all knew it wasn't right. There were three different storms surrounding the theatre, and each one of them was displaying their power, warning us not to contend with it. Lightning and heavy winds were the main event, and I was nervous. In talking to cast mates about it in short hurried whispers backstage I admited my anxiety, adding that I see storms all the time as I am a Florda girl through and through, and the fact that I was hesitant made my anxiety mount even further. It even got to the point where people became scared onstage. The lighting loomed directly overhead and I think we all went into hyper drive. For some people that meant speeding up... for others it meant crying. For me... it meant holding on for dear life to however happened to be near and slilently praying that it would all be over soon.

In the end the right decision was made. When the "due to incliment weather" announcement was made I don't think I could have been more relieved. I quickly grabbed my things, got out of costume and went home with my roomie to hide under the covers and block out the night that just wouldn't go away. Funny thing is, is that I thought all the opinions and harsh tones and words would have gotten out of the way at the theatre, but it turns out I was far from accurate on that one. People quickly began to unleash their frustrations, and unfortunalty on each other. It happened, it's over, and we have hopefully moved on. However, reading and hearing some of these things made me realize just how close the end of all of this really is.

We have around 20 performances left. That means I have roughly less than a month here in North Carolina. I remember before I got here how nervous I was, when I was finally here how excited I was, when I was settled in how content I was, and now that it's nearing the end how ready I am to move on. I am resolved with the fact that this will end. I will go to my next contract and experience things there just like I have here, some wonderful, and some unneccesary. I have met people here who I can honestly say that I love, and some who I probably won't speak to again after this because that's just the way life it, and that's ok. I am honored to be apart of this family, but I still recognize that things change, and I'm not going to waste opportunites by refusing to change with time.

As I get ready to leave for the theatre for my 50 something show, Im blessed to know I have a job to go to, and one that I love doing.It most certainly has its bumps, but what doesn't? I will give it everything I have until its time to pack my things and move on. Merde, and break legs to all of the cast and crew! Here we go!

Its Raining Its Pouring

Me and my roomate are crazy. Or at least this is what we have been told on more than one occasion... especially in the past few days. It is now officailly the middle of the run of our show here at the lost colony, and honestly I think that we are all going a little crazy in our own way. We live on an island... a very small island where everything closes at eleven (save for hatchels and 7 eleven... BLESS). We work and live with the same group of people, which is good and bad, and we are doing the same thing every night. We are essentailly being paid (however little it may be) to live in a rut, and I think we are all beginning to realize that.

Roomie and I have one of the easiest relationships I have ever had the fortune of maintaining. Im actually shocked that two girls get along as well as we do... much less two girls that have the same profession, same job, and same BEDROOM. We are just similar enough to understand where each other is comming from, but still different enough that we don't kill each other. Of course we have gotten fed up with each other, and probably at times angry, but there have never been harsh words or blow up (knock on wood) just silence and space, which is exactly what should happen. The one thing that I think makes our friendship what it is, is that we are both just about the same amount of insane... and when one is in desperate need of an adventure, a laugh, deep conversation, and yes at times even a good cry, the other one isnt afraid to jump on board and come along for the ride. No one wants to take the swells of life alone, and I think we both understand that.

Last night was a semi normal semi akward night. I had some personal issues that I had to deal with that I honestly just wanted to go away, and sarah had a meeting to go to. After my lovely extravaganza was through I wasn't in the best of moods. I don't like to deal with things that I think are silly and by that I mean that I just wished didn't exist. I guess that is just the child in me but hey, everyone has their flaws. So being slightly annoyed I began my trudge back to my apartment to sulk, when I discovered Sarah had embarked on her laundry journey without me. I quickly grabbed my own clothes and went to the laundry mat with Matthew and met her there. I can honestly say that I have never had more fun doing laundry in my life. We were the olny ones there, it was airconditioned.. YAY and it was with people that I don't have to put a show on for. At this point on a personal level our entire company is just tired... so it was nice to escape for a while and just be.

After our laundry was finished, Sarah decided she was hungry, so being us we decided to go on a "vacation" across the bridge to the 24 hour drive through McDonalds in Kill Devil Hills. Matt was already rather tired... and I don't bame him, he had had much more of a day than either one of us had, so we dropped him back off in the grove and set out on our escapade. Before he got out of my car though, he said "You girls are crazy." And I couldn't agree more with him.

We had a beautiful vacation. Per our usual drive through experiance we encountered someone we couldn't understand at the window, and insued in imperssionations the entire way home. Amidst our fits of laughter it began to rain really hard. The rain didn't really become a problem until we reached the parking lot of the grove and had to go inside. Now it was 5am in the morning... most people if they were up at that hour would have just sucked it up and just gone inside so they could sleep. Not us. We decided to lay the seats back in my car and watch the lightning and listen to the rain. At first it was purely because we didnt want to get wet... but then it became peaceful. We were able to just sit there... no words were needed. It was the first time in a long time that I felt that I could just breathe and that was enough.

Living with actors is hard. You always have to prove why you belong.. whether its because you are the funniest, the prettiest or the most well liked, you have to be the best at something. I've gotten really tired of playing that game... I think we all have. I don't know what I'm the best at... and honestly I don't know if I ever will know. But what I do know is that I am crazy. Everyone else knows it too. I am crazy enought to just sit in a car in the pouring rain and exist... and know that that is enough. Pouring

This is All

You know when you have those days when you have a whole bunch of feelings and thoughts swimming around in your head but you can't pinpoint exactly what any of them are so you end up just being stoic? If you don't that's OK. Actually it's probably better if you haven't... I certainly wouldn't call it a great feeling. I'm there right now. I just got back from a great gathering with my company for the fourth thrown for us by our executive producer, and yeah I had a great time, but for some reason I felt out of place. I'm now sitting on my couch in the dark because I couldn't be bothered to turn on the lights listening to Hide and Seek, and I just want this feeling out of my stomach... so I'm going to try and sort it all out here.

I went to a play reading this past friday night at midnight. It's sort of a tradition that we have started here. We jokingly call it artistic Friday's, but essentially that is what it is. Any member of the cast that has anything original that they would like to share can do so on one of our cast member's porches and we can provide feedback. Thus far we have been reading plays written by members of our cast and are cast and read by other members of the cast. This week's play was a bit more intense than the others; it was based on the life and events surrounding the scandle of Fredrico Garcia Lorca's dissapearence/death. I walked into this reading blind... I didn't know a THING about any of what was being dicussed... including who Lorca even was. As the play was being read however, I learned that he was a revolutionary writer and person, bringing to light subject matter that others were scared to even discuss, much less put it on the stage. There was one line in the play that sailed straight into my heart... "I am Fredrico Garcia Lorca. That is all I can ever be."

I am insecure. I can be socially awkward sometimes and can become easily introverted if I'm not comfortable. I'm a walking condradiciton. I can be the funny girl who makes the whole room laugh, and the next minute I am wishing I were in someone elses skin. I'm an actor who loves to sit at home and be alone from time to time. I can't compete with people who are "on" all the time , and to be truthful I won't. It would be a waste to change the person I am just so someone else will look my way. I wish sometimes I were as confident as my words, and I know that I can be, I think it just takes time. Now by no means am I a sad little girl crying in a corner, this is just what has been swimming through my head. I like who I am, I have worked hard to be this person. I am all I can ever be.

There's Only This.

I have begun the first line of this post over just about ten times. My mind is heavy with a lot of different things... the kind of things that you keep pretending don't exist until you sit down on your couch at four in the morning and are resolved to eat cold queso and stale chips alone because its really all that you can do...

I am in the midst of a life changing experience. I am a working actress with a place to live, a wonderful roomie to witness my life, and a show to work on that touches people's lives. I am blessed beyond reproach to be doing the very thing I know without a doubt I have been created to do every day I wake up. However, the one thing that I am learning is that your dreams come with a price as well.

People hurt. I hurt. We watch each other tear ourselves apart with no way to fix it because we know deep down that we can't repair someone else when we can't even put ourselves back together. You can't will a heart to heal. No band aid is big enough and no glue is strong enough to keep one together once it has been broken. There is no need for yelling when a whisper of doubt alone can shatter your soul. Whispers of I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not talented enough, are more than enough to cause permanent damage... and it happens to everyone.

The more I get to know my wonderful, beautiful and caring cast, the more I hear and see that each one of us has been hurt in some fashion, and are trying desperately to cover it up or just brush it off all together. Something I have decided over the past few days is that there is no shame in admitting that you have been hurt. My roomie has also started to blog, and in her most recent post she mentioned a night where both of us were talking about how we viewed love with another girl in the cast. When we had concluded our stories which were far from the fairytale we all hoped they would turn out to be, she said "You both are so brave to have loved with such passion." That has stayed with me since that night. I think that it is brave to admit that you loved so fiercely that it cost you something you may never get back. I have a giant heart. I trust anyone until they give me a reason not to and I will love you until you tell me I shouldn't. Many people have told me I am foolish and even crazy for opening up so much to so many, and there are plenty of times that I actually agree with them, but I know in my heart that God made us to love this way. My heart has been broken, and if I am really honest with myself, sometimes I think that it still may be... but I know that's OK. I did something brave. I loved someone more than I love myself, and to me that is the most I can do with the life I have been given.

As I sit here on my couch listening to Rent (yes when I am pensive the emotional musical theatre geek comes alive in me) I can't help but smile. Even though there are so many things in the past and even in my present that I can dwell on and re work in my mind, I don't need to. Love knows no time and no bounds, so I'm not going to either. I am going to keep breathing and loving as fiercely as ever and never apologize. Jonathan Larson knew what he was doing when he wrote the words to this song... and yes I am going to be a dork and quote rent and you are going to love it.
"There is no future, there is no past. Thank God this moment's not the last. There's only us. There's only this. Forget regret- or life is yours to miss. No other road. No other way. No day but today."

Check Mate

I don't get embarrassed. I don't ever feel overly concerned with appearances. Like when you first meet a large group of people at a function I.E. my college orientation and the ice breaker is share your most embarrassing moment, I either come up dry or I embellish a so so story to make myself seem more interesting. This has now changed. For the first time in years, I, Courtney Whittamore, was embarrassed. I know. I was just as shocked as you.

What is the source of this travesty you ask? What could possibly shock the girl that walks around in her p.j's like its her job and every injury story she has involves some sort of blonde moment on her part? Well... let me just tell you... My apartment.

I am living in the Grove with about 100 something artistic people. That alone is difficult. But we are also artistically minded people that have no time to live lives separate from the theatre, therefore any idea of creating a home or even unpacking your boxes from move in day just doesn't exist. Also, the stage of our theatre is sand, meaning the the floor of my apartment is also sand. It's funny how things accumulate. Its sad when you don't realize how gross your apartment is until you notice you have quarantined yourself from the kitchen willingly because you are afraid of what will jump out of the sink and say good morning to you.

Of course there was a catalyst to this realization aside from my fear of unknown sink creatures. Last night Sarah and I had friends over to just chill out and talk. The night was spent in our living room, and as way led to way I ended up sitting on the floor. As this had been the first time I had experienced the view from the floor, I took a survey of my surroundings... and I was not pleased. I was greeted by papers spilling out from under our coffee table, clothes strewn about, and dust bunnies galor. I was mortified. I quickly glanced around at my guests and saw that they were not paying any mind to what I was now fixed upon, however I decided that after tonight, no one would ever come to our apartment again and Sarah and I would be friendless if we did not take action, even though they had been to our home before.

There are many reasons that I love my roomie, but one of the biggest is that when it comes to the important things, and by important I mean insane, we are always on the same wave length. I think there may have been an exchange of three sentences before we decided to declare an all our war on the filth that was claiming our home.

Within moments we were in the car on our way to walmart. After about a 30 minute drive we saw that it was closed. CLOSED! In a desperate effort we searched high and low for some where that was open. Thank God for 24 hour food lions. They saved our lives. We purchased insane amounts of cleaning products, bleach, and air freshners and grimaced as we watch our paychecks drain into our fit of insanity. Non the less we journey onward. Although the 24 hour food lion supplied us with most of our needs, we were not satisfied, so being the strong willed women we are we popped a squat at Mcdonalds and awaited the opening of Walmart. Soon enough we were in the store, making our last purchases and heading back to our tangle with disgust.

Our trip started out as light hearted and hopefull, but as we neared the Grove, our game face was firmly set in place. There was a job to be done, and it was going to get done if it was the last thing we did... besides the show of course :)
The actual cleaning itself was epic. I have never seen that much filth and dirt capulized in one home. I will not go into great detail on here as I still want to have friends by the time I finish this blog post.

So... needless to say I am exahusted. I sacrified sleep, one of my most favorite pastimes, to clean... However, I can sucessfully say that sarah and I live in a home now, not a trash can... and to that mess I experienced in the ungodly hours of the morning, I have only one thing to say. Check. Mate.

It's the Little Things

I don't plan things. I don't make lists, nor am I organized. However, my mom is. She has a list of things that must be done and the exact time that they are to be done in. This used to drive me CRAZY as a kid... ok well, maybe it still drives me crazy but that isn't the point. Even through my hatred, there were times that I saw the validity in being so put together with to do lists and strict deadlines, and even tried that hat on myself. Especially when I was going through college applications and decisions like that I felt the need to be a grown up. However as I have gotten older I have discovered that its not just tasks that I fail to plan out, but even where I am going to be next or what I want to do with my days are left in the wind.

I remember when I was in high school I had this huge project due that I really didn't want to get started on, and because I am stubborn and won't do anything i don't want to do until the very last minute, I tried thinking of ways to stall. All through my high school years a dear friend of mine and I carpooled to and from school together, even when we both had our drivers licenses. Now Linds was a task master as well, so i knew that if she knew i had a task to complete then there would be no goofing around, which is why i mostly keep my business under my hat. That afternoon we were sitting around on my patio, and had the novel idea to make our own canoe. We had talked for weeks about having our own canoe for this reason or that, but once we saw their price tags became slightly deterred. So that afternoon we gathered whatever we could around my house, which amounted to pool noodles, card board boxes, electrical tape, bubble wrap, and a prayer. We spent all afternoon constructing our masterpiece, with plans to use it that night in my pool. After we finished putting it together we prepared for our maiden voyage... and immediately sank... fully clothed and all. It may have been silly, and in the end I had to pull an all nighter to finish that project, but it was spontaneous and brought the kind of laughter you only hear when someone is purely happy. I still think back on that afternoon as one of the best I ever had.

Now I promise there is a reason I have been thinking about all of this. The last few days I have been down on myself, because I have been under the weather and out from the show due to doctor's orders. It hurts my heart when I want to do something and my body just won't let me. I got the medicine I needed and I should be fine from this point out, however I don't like the doubt that these last few days have placed in the mind of my colleagues. I can do this, I just have to do it in a different way than you would expect. I realized that I don't plan, because it hurts too much when I see those plans fly out the window, even the smallest of plans, because my body says no. Many a dream and plan has done that in my lifetime, and in the end I know they are just changing, not leaving, but none the less its not easy for me.

That's why last night made me so happy. I had been trapped in my apartment and by default my mind as well for the last two days, and seeing my own improvement in my movement and tolerance I decided that it was ok to go out and see some people. Every Saturday night there is a blow out in the grove with a unique theme, and I just wanted to go be around people. As way would have it, I was WIDE awake, because the medicine I was given makes me super drowsy, so in point of fact I had slept all day long. Sooner than I expected there were only a few of us left outside, and the sun was coming up to say good morning. We in our delirious splendor decided that going to breakfast was the thing to do, and that is exactly what we did. I can honestly say i have never been in better company and laughed more at 6am than I did this morning. I had surpassed happiness and gone straight for joy. Its the little things that go unplanned and unnoticed that make me think that its all going to be ok. It's all going to be ok.

Hello Again

Well hey!! I am so so SO happy to finally be able to write to you again! I hope you haven't lost interest in my little life, but I am back now :) Me and my roomie who I ADORE have found a way to catch some Internet, so I should be able to write as much as I want!! YAY!

So to catch up, I obviously made it here safely.. praise the Lord! Dad drove most of the way but the last few hours I was left to my own devices which included lots of caffeine, my GPS, and yes even a minor fender bender... I mean I have to keep things lively!

The first week I was here was wonderful. The company hadn't arrived yet so The Grove (slang for Morrison Grove where ALL of the company lives.. yeah crazy...) was completely empty, accept for a dear friend of mine that actually told me about the job. We had stayed in contact from the last gig we did together, but had actually not seen each other in over 2 years. It was nice to get to know each other again, and at the same time was very eye opening. Me and my rose colored glasses tend to like to keep people in time capsule, but that just isn't the case in the real world. People change, including myself, however that does not mean that I always recognize it.

Soon enough the first week of settling in and getting acclimated to my new life here was over, and my roomie arrived. Oddly enough, Sarah and I had met at the local auditions in the ladies room, where I am now convinced all good friendships start. After a few pleasantries we decided that we were going to be audition buddies, meaning that we wouldn't leave each other throughout the day. For those of you not in the business, auditions breed strange situations, because auditions themselves are anything but normal. You are selling your package to important people in a glimpse of time, and hoping that you are what they are looking for. This is so stressful that you immediately bond with those who are standing next to you doing the same thing. Well as life would have it we went our separate ways after the process and went on with our lives. I didn't even know she had gotten the job until we received our housing assignments and I was stalking my room mates. We got in touch and decided to share a room, seeing as there are two other ladies that share our place with us. It was the best decision I have ever made. She is not only a wonderful room mate, but a beautiful person and a priceless friend. I wouldn't be able to do this without her, and I am so glad she is here. I LOVE YOU!!

The first three weeks after the contract started, I'm not gonna lie, were obnoxious. 9am work calls which were over at 5pm, the bled into rehearsal that finished at 11pm. It was an efficient way to get such a massive show up in three weeks, however it nearly kills you. I didn't know coming into this how big of a show this was, but it truly is a massive undertaking. With costumes by William Ivy long and a script by Pulitzer prize winning Paul Green I should have known better, but during the run down of the show I was blown away. We have live gunshots, fireworks, fire, huge set changes, costumes that cost more than cars, a house that seats 1,500 that is filled at least half most nights, but still that isn't the most important thing. Each person Character in this show existed, and went through something like what we are portraying.

I am so blessed to be doing a show that means so much to so many people! It is only the beginning of the run, yet I still know that this will change my life, because I can already see that the change has begun. Not only has the show itself started this process, but its also the new family of actors and dreamers and lovers that have given me this gift. When our executive producer Carl Curnutte first addressed this year's cast, he told us that this summer would change our lives. He is so right. I have found a new home that my broken little heart can mend itself in. There was one night here, where all the alumni gathered together to initiate those of us who are new, and it changed my life forever. Ken Clifton, the musical director of the show and now one of my dear friends said a few words that summed up what this time means. He was explaining how in portraying the Colony of people that came before us, we ourselves have become our own colony of people, who are striving and working towards a momentous goal. "We have gotten ourselves into more than we expected, but became more than we ever expected to be."