Friday, April 23, 2010

Just a sensible break down... and other things

Today was one of those days when you look back on all the advice that you have given to others in such confidence, and realize you should heed it yourself. Here I have been talking about not worrying, yet today I let it get the best of me. Certain circumstances arose today that I don't want to discuss on here as they are too detailed, but just know that even in their specificity they are rooted in the general worry for survival... You know, grown up stuff.

After several phone calls today and trying to make several different attempts at possible schemes to remedy things, I began to cry. Not like the ugly cry where your face gets contorted, your breathing gets labored and your words become in-audible, just the kind of tears that make your face wet and you feel silly. In my defense, I think part of the reason the tears came was because in a violent attempt to remedy this awful sleep cycle I have been finding myself in I took an herbal sleep medication. I think it may have set my emotions on edge, because I noticed I was easily irritated and very tunnel visioned. Now that I am typing this, it may have even magnified my stress a bit, which caused the extreme emotions to make an appearance. Never the less, there I was, sitting in my Poppy's lazy boy recliner with my cell phone in my hands with tears streaming down my face.

I felt to silly and ashamed! I knew that God would take care of me, and He had even had the graciousness of showing me that through his word only a few days ago. Being the stubborn child I am however, I have just continued on my road of carrying my own burdens and suffering for it.

I now understand why the bible says that you cannot serve both God and money. It takes a lot, and I mean A LOT of energy stressing about having the money to take care of yourself. I know that there are so many people out there that have lost their jobs and have families to support as well. My heart and prayers are with you, because its driving me nuts just worrying about myself, much less a family. I cannot even fathom what that must be, and I pray to God that I never have to.

The funny thing it, most of what was causing me so much anxiety was in fact a misunderstanding. The numbers had been misconstrued and the actual amount needed was MUCH smaller than the one I had been quoted before. After a sensible talk with my mama, my Gema and Pop's I headed out to meet my Nana for some much needed retail therapy, and made out like a bandit.

When I got home I realized that the only way I could really have some peace was to go to the word. Even though I have known these verses since childhood, tonight new life was breathed into them, and they became a blanket on comfort that I could hide under for a bit.

"Do not fear for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy one of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:1b-3a

"Keep your lives free from the love of money, and be content with what you have; for he has said "I will never leave you nor forsake you" So we can say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can anyone do to me?" Hebrews 13:5-6

"Cast all your anxiety on Him, for he cares for you. Discipline yourselves, keep alert... And after you have suffered a little while, the God of grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will restore, support, straighten, and establish himself to you." 1 Peter 5:7-10

Enough of being a nervous Nelly, on to MUCH more exciting things. In just over a week I am heading to my acting job in North Carolina!!! YAY!! Even thought it isn't my first professional gig, it is my longest which I think is pretty cool. My contract is for four months, and we do six shows a week. Depending on how casting goes I may be involved with more than one show, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. I am SO crazy excited to get started and feel so blessed to be able to do one of the things I know I was created to do. I know it's going to be a lot of hard work, but really there much out there worth while that isn't. I love working obsessively on a show and then reaping the benefits once the show is on its feet. It's one of the greatest feelings there is to know that you have the capability to touch some one's life by doing what you love.

I wish that I could tell you more about what I am going to be doing, but so far I'm kinda in the dark myself. I know all of the logistical things that I need to know in order to survive there and have a brief over view of what I signed my life away to, but other that that I am amiss. I think it's part of the atmosphere of the company though. Some are like that. They want to play everything closer to the chest. That's actually the way I prefer it. You have to keep a little mystery right??

So that was my day. Full of girly ups and down and all arounds. Good things are just around the corner... so now that my little sensible break down is out of the way, we can move onto better and brighter things :)

1 comment:

  1. You are a gifted writer, Courtney. So happy for you and your acting job. You will be fantastic! Can hardly wait to hear all of the wonderful adventures you will have.

    love you, my sweet friend,