Lately, specifically today, I have been doing one of the very things that I strive not to do. Worry. Since I have recently become a big girl, I am now greeted by big girl choices. No more are the days of learning how to tie my shoes or having mommy wake me up in the morning with fresh baked cinnamon roles and a fond farewell off to school. Ok maybe my mommy still wakes me up from time to time but that's not the point. The point is that I willingly stepped outside of the wonderful umbrella you can stay under as a student and charged out so I could be independent. Key word being willing. WILLINGLY I jumped out from under my parents support, and happily so. Now I'm not saying that I regret my decision to no longer be a student, that's the last thing I want you to think. I have never been happier about where my life is and the possibility of where it's headed. However I am second guessing the whole grown up thing. In my head I am perpetually twelve years old, sitting in my room in my PJ's surrounded by coloring books filled with Disney princesses and watching the pixar movie cars. For me that's an ideal day. Not going to work at a nine to five, sitting in a cubicle and having someone else determine that my time is worth nine dollars an hour. Lucky for me it hasn't come to that, and I have been fortunate to have great jobs with great people that I enjoy going to every day. However, just because I am fond of my jobs, does not mean that I am fond of the idea that I am old enough to have one. And so the vicious cycle continues...
I think this all began when I started looking at my bank account... scary business I know, but it has to be done. While I have been home for the time in between when I left school and the start of my acting contract in North Carolina (which starts in a 2ish weeks. YES!!! more to come on that.) I have been doing all the work that has come my way. My dad (hey daddy, love you) set me up with a wonderful temp agency, which was the biggest help in the world. From that I worked a legit job at a chocolate factory (call me Lucy y'all) for about a week and got a pretty good sum of money after that. I have also been nannying for the owner of the temp agency every Saturday which has also really helped. Every few days I waffle in between the notion that I have enough money and I will be fine, to I am never going to survive and I will run out of money the first week I am in NC. We don't get our paychecks until about the 3rd week of employment, and while that's fair, its a huge source of anxiety for me, and I struggle with that from time to time.
Noticing my funk, my mom alerted me that my babies were singing in church tonight, and that I should come. Grateful for the distraction I got ready, and headed out to watch the kids do the one thing I love. Sing. When I got there I saw that my Pop's, Pawpa, and Nana were there, which made me even happier that I had ventured out of the house. Soon My little ones were on stage, and I was shocked by the joy that overflowed out of my heart. My little brother was on the back row, smiling, singing and waving simultaneously while my normally hyper active sister did the motions perfectly and sang every word on cue. I soon noticed that I was smiling so big that my cheeks were cramping up. It was the best thing I have been apart of in such a long time, and I am soooo glad that I went. Before they exited the stage my brother looked at me, puckered his lips, and mouthed I love you straight to me before he walked off stage. My heart literally melted. I will hold that in my heart forever.
Per usual the message followed the singing, and I sat beside my Pop's and listened to the sermon. To be transparent, my mind drifted back to my worries, and soon I was trapped in the vortex once more of anxiety and pressure. However, halfway through the sermon, Pastor Russel mentioned that God rules the nations, yet feeds the birds, and it's all the same to him. In the scheme of eternity, size doesn't matter, and nations and birds become just about the same size. Knowing my scripture, I knew that he was referencing Matthew 6, the chapter that commands of us not to worry. Knowing in my spirit that this reference was meant for me, I looked up the reference as soon as I came home.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns,(or in my case banks) and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about your clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after these things, and your heavenly father knows you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own."
Well. Hey there. That hit my right where I thought I needed it, and even harder where I thought I didn't. I worry about what I wear, my body image, where my next paycheck is coming from... and it's all new to me. Sure I had worried about things before, like my health and where the next treatment was coming from and things like that, but that is a different kind of worry. In those circumstances I felt that there were no choices, and I had to just keep going no matter the cost. The funny thing is I realize now, that my current worries are identical to the worries I had faced before. I just have to keep moving no matter the cost. It's just like Pastor said tonight, size doesn't matter when looking through the eyes of Christ. My worries are all of the same value to Him. So I am just going to keep tying my shoes and counting to ten and coloring my way through. By no means am I not going to push forward, but I am only going to push as far as my means allow, and the rest... well.. that's up to Daddy.
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