Monday, April 19, 2010
Hide and Seek
During a fit of insomnia last night, I flipped on my tv, hoping that something good was on. This past week I have had trouble sleeping for this reason and that, and all that has been on has been that stupid insanity infomercial. While I know I could be in better shape, there is nothing in the world that would make me want to do that workout in the clear light of day, however in the cloak of darkness it looks kind of fun. Knowing that if I watched the silly infomercial one more time I may be tempted to actually purchase it, I looked for something else. I was delighted when I saw that USA's show In Plain Sight was running some re-runs, and even MORE excited that it was one that I hadn't seen in a while. So there I was, lieing in my bed whatching some mindless television when all of the sudden I was hit by something very profound. Like I said before, quotes can come from anywhere and I will hold to them.
After the bad guy has been caught and all is well in the world once more, Mary Shanonn always gives a very eloquent and to the point speach, however it is mostly about nothing to do with life, and everything that has to do with being a U.S marshall. Tonight however, it seemed the the writers were inspired, and cranked out something that hit me right where I live.
"Everybody hides. Some people hide because the have to, some because they don't want to be seen. Then there are the very special people that hide because... because... because they just want someone to care enough to come find them."
One of my favorite authors and role modles Anne Bogart talks about Kenetic and Static art. Kenetic art moves you, while Static art stops you to the point you can't get past it, and demands you ask questions of yourself. These words acted like static art to me, and stopped me where I was. I turned on my light, flipped down the volume, and just sat in thought for a moment, stunned that a re-run at 3:00 am had found me.
I like to be alone. I would rather live alone than live with people. I spend the majority of my time alone in my apartment or in my room depending on what state I'm in, but that's the way I like it. I even have the tendency to turn down plans with friends, people that I actually like, and not because I dont want to spend time with them but simply because I would rather spend time with myself. My closest friends even joke that I will go into hiding for weeks at a time, and that they know once I'm ready I will re-enter the world. Recently I had begun to wonder why I am like this. I know that I am overly senstive to my surroundings, and that sometimes I can't handle anymore than what I have, but that's not always the reason I stay in. I even went to my grandparents, who know me better than anyone besides my parents, and they said that I have always been this way, and that it was just part of who I am. That I needed my time.
But sitting in my day bed in my parents house with my favorite sweat pants on I realized that I just want someone to care enough to come look for me. I have recently had my heart broken, and I think that my hiding may have gone into hyper drive because of that. Someone that would always come and look for me isn't here anymore, and I didnt even realize they were one of the ones that could always find me. I know that this person was no good for me, and I am by no means mourning their absence, but it was just shocking to realize. Even though I have been hurt a million times over, I am still that little girl my friends joke about, that will always believe in fairytales, and who's favorite game will always be hide and seek.