Saturday, April 24, 2010
Nothing to Fear, but Fear Itself
Looking back on some of my posts, I realized something. Recently I have been demonstrating characteristics of a scaredy cat. Now, I really hate cats, and I hate being scared even more, so looking back on the over flow of my heart, it was slightly shocking to see that I had been implying hints of fear. In most respects, my actions have demonstrated just the very opposite of fear. I have ventured out on a path that most will, and actually have called foolish. I have my sights aimed high, so high in fact, that without my faith would be too high. However I have found solace and peace in my choices. Call me a fool, but you are only insulting the one who called me to step out in faith.
However, although my actions may be bold, my spirit has slipped into a bit of timidity. I am becoming aware of my wisdom in certain areas, and my innocents in others, and let me tell you, I make for an odd concoction. I am firm in the big things, yet unsteady in the trivial. I am stunned in my fearlessness to go, yet my anxiety to stay. I find that I am weird... which isn't a surprise to anyone else but myself.
Out of coincidence, or maybe not so but to me it is, Mom had checked out Max Lucado's new book Fearless. Max Lucado is without contest my favorite christian author, so of COURSE I had to snag it and read it before I left. He speaks the way my heart thinks, and keeps me focused right where he needs to be. At first I thought that I would breeze through this book without feeling convicted of any certain circumstance within its pages, because it was encouraging others to find boldness. I thought to myself "I am a free spirit, I come an go to where the work takes me, and jump at new opportunities. I am bold enough already." Soon though I noticed that I had earmarked several pages with points that touched my heart and made me say to myself "Self, this one is for you."
I have recently become very comfortable where I am. I am home, surrounded by those I love, recovering from being bombarded in every way a person can be beaten up. From broken hearts, to shifted dreams things have just been rapidly changing, and for a while I just needed a place to take cover for a time. It has been the first time in a long time that I have been comfortable here. From the time I entered my teens, I can remember fighting tooth and nail to get out of here. Funny how the tables have turned, because now that I have no problem staying, I have to go. Now I am not saying that I'm not ECSTATIC about North Carolina, because I most certainly am, but this sense of contentment in the place is foreign to me.
In the book, there is a section where Lucado is discussing the story of Jarius, the man who came to Jesus to heal his daughter. When Jesus makes it to the house, the little girl was already pronounced dead; they had arrived too late. However, Jesus said to them, she is not dead, she is only sleeping, the proceeded to enter the house and "Took her by the hand and called saying, 'Little girl, arise'. Then her spirit returned, and she rose immediately. I know that this isn't meant to be interpreted metaphorically for it really happened, but to me it took on a symbolic meaning. My my made the connection on its own to another verse in Deuteronomy which says "Rise up and journey on, for you have been here long enough."
This got my minds wheels turning. I felt that that little girl was me when I was in circumstances that I shouldn't have been in. When I prayed long and hard about if I should go or if I should stay it was as if God was saying to me 'Little girl, arise' Since my departure my spirit had been revived and so has my confidence, but I have been complacent with it. Not only do I feel that I am to 'Rise up and journey on' from my home, but I am to move on from the hurt, and the pain and the worry I have been tossing to the side as if it didn't exist. I need to walk away, not let it sit beside me while I pretend to ignore it.
This is scary. While I am confident, my nerves still exist in the dark of night. However, I know realize that my "bold enough" isn't good enough, and I need to buckle my seat belt, because fear has another thing coming.
The reason we are told to fear nothing but fear itself is not because it is a good contender, but because it has the capability to appear bigger that what it is. It's as if we are looking at it though the side mirror of a car. Fear allows you to distort itself to its advantage, and we become the casualty. Curious about the entire address that FDR gave at his inauguration, I looked it up. I had always thought that the famous line was the conclusion to the speech, but I was quickly corrected when I saw that it was one of the very first sentences that he spoke as President, which made them even more radical in my heart than they were before. "This is preeminently the time to speak the truth, the whole truth, frankly and boldly. Nor need we shrink from honestly facing conditions in our country today. This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself."